Monday, September 26, 2005

how to be a gold digger

So I went on a tour yesterday with Third World Ant to the ostentatious Herbert Baker mansions on Parktown ridge. They are too beautiful. They are the oldest houses in Johannesburg, first born from the 'Rand LOrds' that came to Joburg in a flurry to find gold. And gold they did find. The world's largest reef, in fact. In 1880. And became qich quickly, and built gaint stone mansions, some with twenty bedrooms. They lived the colonial life, possibly revering to Jane Austen, and basically had a jolly good time having monstrous dinner parties, drinking earl grey, playing croquet and basically fannying about.

There are people living in most of these houses - some the original families, others just exudingly wealthy types. One is a museum, with all the original period furniture, a gaint ballroom. You can hire it out for functions for R5000/hour. (about £300. Fucccck.)
So as we walked and pondered how to get rich quickly, we all decided that we need to be gold diggers and find ourselves a Rand Lord husband.

So:
1) Their parents are looking out for women like us. We need to play it cool. Understated. No new money is tolerated. Dress down, dress conservatively.
2)..but look GOOD. Trophy wife is the key here. Good hair, straight teeth. We need to be considered as a good gene pool for the millions of grandchildren to be had. Surgery is the only option.
3) Develop a double-barrel surname, like Windsor-Ellis, Crewe-Brown, Paddington-Ilchester. That sort of thing.
4) Change our names to Francesca, Florence or Milton (if we were male..which we not...)
5) Take elocution and etiquette classes. The surgery and classes may be pricey - so we have to focus on the longterm prize.
6) Have our groceries delivered from Thrupps.
7) Suck up to mum. Mum will be more hard to crack than dad.
8) Lavish the said son/prey with exquisite and expensive gifts.
9) Never EVER get drunk in front of the family.
10) If you went to a private school, drop the name ALL the time. Similarly if you know anyone non-chavvy, do the same.

Or jsut accept your lot in life and move on. The challenge would've been fun though...

5 comments:

John said...

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Peas on Toast said...

My blog is educational?? Now I've heard everything.

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i agree with john, your blog is educational!!!
i've learned lots, sometimes maybe too much, all that talk of naked willies, but it does keep me coming back for more.
looking back, i think i should have tried to have been a trophy wife. love and kids is one thing, but living in a jane austen type house with extended holidays, now that's living!

November Rain said...

I cant log into my dashboard to post on my blogger I can log in everywhere else and post

but when I goto mine I get doc contains no data

anyone else have this?

Peas on Toast said...

Janie - I'm glad you think my blog is educational! :)

Novy - I've had that before, but it was because I had no cookies, or blogger was down. Just keep trying, it should work after a while.