Friday, October 21, 2005

it's finally happened

...I am having a nervous breakdown. I'm a drama queen, so this fits perfectly into my known personality traits. It's not like one big thing happened and now I'm insane. No. Little things have built up and built up. and quite frankly, I need to get outta here.

The things that have happened are as follows:
1) Nobody really loves me. It sounds stupid and over-dramatic, but that's the truth. Steve doesn't really, my parents are too busy in their lives to really notice or care, and my friends as well.
2) the car dealership has lost my license disc and ID book.
3) Steve's brother got engaged to his pyscho girlfriends last night and she's pregnant. This has made me reaccess relationships, marraige EVERYTHING and quite frankly IT'S BULLSHIT.
4) The tax office has suddenly registered me as a provisional taxpayer. Apparently they suddenly think I own a company and am liable to pay up now.
5) I'm not good at anything. I can do everything, but I'm good at anything.
6) The whole ex vibe haunts me and has made me insane finally.
8) I am severly depressed.
9) I need to go overseas very soon and get lost in the Peruvian jungle. Like tomorrow.
10) I smoke and drink too much.

So there you have it. I'm not on the verge of a meltdown, I am in one. And I have never felt so alone and out of control in my life.


Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i'm hoping this post isn't actually too serious, but in case it is, i did have a meltdown a few years ago involving something with my oldest daughter, but i won't get into it on your blog. 1. if you feel that steve doesn't truly love you, you need to tell him how you feel, because either you don't feel it, or he doesn't. as for your parents, you can change that. your parents are never too busy in their lives for you. if you need to see them more or talk to them more, let them know, they will make more room for you in their lives, but you have to let them know. my oldest will be 21 next month, there is not a day that goes by when i don't think about her and worry about her, that is never going to change. what has changed is that i am forcing myself to draw back from her life, to give her a chance to figure things out on her own. it's not easy to now stand on the sidelines, when all i really want to do is be right in the centre, know every detail of her life, but i can't do that anymore, she needs to have her own space and her own life, not revolving around me anymore.
2. kick their ass, i'm not close enough, or i would
3. it might be bullshit, but it's what they have decided, now is the time to be supportive of their decision, sometimes it's better just to keep your mouth shut and pray it works out for them. they have more chance of success if they know family is endorsing their decision.
4. i see more ass kicking
5. i can make jam/jelly, put it in pretty little jars and give it away as presents. but in the grand scheme of things, it seems pretty silly, but i know my limitations and have accepted them, cuz really, am i good at anything, no, i'm not, doesn't stop me from trying stuff, and i'm old!
6. i guess it could if you let it, don't know how to tell you to get over him, maybe you don't want.
7. i think you and your friends are reaching an age where, if you have plans to get married and have kids, it starts to happen, but i don't actually know why that is, but it just does.
8. been there, done that, go to your doctor and get some drugs, seriously, if you think you are, you better do it.
9. if only life were that easy
10. that is something you can change, if you really want to.

i'm not sure if you really want to get into too much on your blog or not, if you want comments more privately, here's my email, i also have msn, it's the same address.
and if this wasn't a serious post, please ignore the above and pretend i said something extremely witty and funny instead.

Ed Abbey said...

In the United States, if you are a pyschotic, you run for president. Or at least that is how it has seemed to me for the last 20 years. Because you are not a citizen and obviously can't run, why not try running for President of Peru instead?

Peas on Toast said...

Janie thank you so much. It's so nice to know that no matter what, people go through the same emotions and weak patches at some time in their lives. I think I need some time out. Perhaps after this day is over and the nightmare of everything changing too quickly or not changing at all, I'll come out better for it.
In the meantime, I have to change. How I think and how I live, regardless of the mayhem around me. But thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. xx

Ed - Running for president right now would send me staright to a mental asylum. Perhaps I'll try next year.

Christopher said...

I hope the dark clouds shift away soon. I know how it is when you have moods like this. I have them often and mostly for the same reason (Aside from the car issues. I can't drive)
I usually throw on some loud, upbeat music, throw out a bunch of things I don't need and start to list everything and everyone I don't need in my life. I have a clearout on a grand scale.
My ex almost ruined me and everyday I'm down i think: "She'd laugh her arse off if she saw me this way". If nothing else that picks me up and puts the fight back in me.

Be well.


Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Chris. You're right, I'm going to clean out my linen closet this weekend, and I'm going to LOVE it. xx

Nettie said...

That whole marriage attatchment thing is highly overrated. It's got to be, right?