Wednesday, November 23, 2005

breakthrough

The most amazing thing happened yesterday evening. I went home, preparing to mooch around, when a friend of mine popped in with a bottle of wine and some snacks.
We got chatting about her previous relationship, which, according to her was a nightmare. I haven't really aired my dirty laundry, so to speak, as to the main reason I left Steve. I don't really plan to either. I was embarrassed, I thought I was the only one, and because he's a decent soul deep down, I'm not going to to slate him to all mine and his friends. Ever.

But because this is a blog, and for catharctic reasons, I will elaborate. But only a little.

My friend's previous relationship was centered around emotional and physical abuse. Mine was like this too. And because I thought this was normal, and 'it doesn't get better than this,' and because I loved the guy, I stayed. Then just over two weeks ago, I reached the end of my tether. He trashed our apartment as he left. But I was relieved instead of sad. It's still hard, because I DO miss him and I know his intentions were never to be like this.

What I am dealing with now is this:
1) Was it me that made him like this?? (Apparently not. But I still feel partially to blame. I am not the easiest person to be with, I'm the first to admit.)

2) I am not alone! Apparently this is quite fucking common. How scary is that?

3) I am out! I've done it!

So I'll leave it at that. No relationships are perfect. He is a good guy deep down, but unfortunately there are things about him I cannot change.

PS: My Saturday Night Conquest asked me out on a cooking course date on Saturday. Can't go, got debaucherous party to go to with my amazingly wonderful friends. Rain check, perhaps.

15 comments:

zuzula said...

it's incredibly common. I lived with a guy for two years who was like that. I was convinced (and so was he) that it was all somehow my fault, that I bought out the worst in him. But from what people say his new relationship is exactly like our old one was. i can't tell you how exonerated I felt when I heard that.

You've done well to get out.

Peas on Toast said...

Seriously Z?
Wow, and I feel exactly how you've explained it. He reckons it it me that has turned him into this monster, and I feel that it was me. Perhaps this will change in time. My freind also said that he abusive ex has had a series of terrible relationships - so it must feel very good to hear that too. At least now you know it wasn't you.

I just can't believe that I actually hit that breaking point where I want nothing more of this. So many times this has happened and I thought I'd hit rock bottom and wanted out, when I didn't. I suppose I suddenly grew up and realised I'd much rather be on my own forever than have this.

I had a very old-school approach to abuse before the last 24 hours. That is only happens to extremely dysfunctional people, they're married, and its uncommon. That has all changed now, and for the first time, I don't feel so alone.
Thank you. xx

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

many years ago, i had a gf living with her bf that abused her, he eventually forced her to cut all ties with family and friends. she did finally leave and rebuild her life, she married a wonderful man, they've had three sons and are still together. you control your relationship, you don't control the person you're with. relationships are a combination of two people, if there is something not working and can't be fixed, it's up to you to decide whether it's something you think you can stay and live with, or it's time to get out and move on. you should never blame yourself for any abuse, mentally or physically you receive, it doesn't matter what type of person you are, no one deserves to be abused. if the person can't deal with it and has to resort to abuse, they're the ones with the problem.

Peas on Toast said...

Janie, hi. I know, and I suppose one day I'll figure out that two people can argue and not get out of hand.

In the meantime, I still miss him. But know it's for the best.

zuzula said...

You're so right. I now know at least three incredibly strong, independent, educated, feisty women who have put up with the most unbelievable shit. Perhaps it's because we're so strong - it makes us a little bit intimidating to men, and therefore a challenge to 'break' - god, it's like the Taming of the Shrew.

My best mate She of the Handbag and I used to talk about what we wanted from relationships and I'd say 'oh, I want the whole Wuthering Heights thing, the mindblowingly all consuming passion etc etc.' And then I learned the hard way to be careful about what I wished for!

Peas on Toast said...

It's true: it seems to always be the stronger, 'harder to control' women that go through this. My aunt included: a rebellious, life of the party kind of women that went through hell.

I also go for the type of men that are strong, witty, yet very mysterious and complex at the same time. That complexity is usually manifested into anger, intolerance and control.

Maybe now I'll be more careful. :)

Christopher said...

Those are the points I usually dwell on and the reasons you mentioned were the reasons I left too.
I didn't know how to escape the train-wreck that was once a loving relationship. I loved my ex so much that I forgave her for every action (Including violent room trashing, cheating and lashing out)I was giddy when I realised that was too good for this and that life had much, much more to offer.
Like Zuzula says, you have done well to get out now instead of too far down the road. Imagine being 70 and looking back on a life shacked to someone who didn't deserve you.

It's your time to shine now. This is teh period you'll look back on as the most liberated time of your life. Thats how I see it. I'm still learning.

Be well,

Chris

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Chris. Again, you're another one who has experienced unprecedented cr@p - unfair cr@p too - in a relationship, which makes me feel less alone.
You're right: in some starnge way I AM feeling liberated. Sad, lonely, lost and horrible - sure - but liberated and free. And I can't believe how strong us human beings can be during the worst possible adversity - we all left these situations of shitness, we're cool and recovering - so perhaps we should all be proud.

Thanks for your advice, and this is to you and everyone - especially since many of you have been in my situation. Your advice means the world to me. xxx

jimmmer said...

Your ex gives guys like AM and I a bad name!

Are we the only two decent blokes left? Are we alone in our quest to praise the female form for everything that it is, and it is good. Do women fear lovers, and love fighters?

I tell you one thing peas, if any man even tries to do that to you again, to any woman reading this for that matter, AM and I will personally drive, sail, fly from wherever we are and kneecap the fucker, because no woman deserves that, she deserves to be muffed, continuously.

But hey, that's coming from two guys who love women more than life itself.

Stephanie said...

As you will have gathered from the comments here, your ex is by no means extraordinary for his behaviour. My ex managed to make me question my own sanity while he lied and deceived me. It was like living with a child who was throwing a temper tantrum and I was made to feel as though it was all my fault. It took leaving to realise that it had little to do with me. Thing is, its far easier to blame your partner (or anyone else) for your own problems than to deal with the root cause. He lashed out on you because you were there and because of your love he could get away with it.

I'm glad you're out of that situation because nobody deserves that kind of blame, least of all someone as kind as you. As Chris said, far better to come to this realisation now rather than many years down the line. I know it hurts, but you will get through this stronger and wiser.

Take care of yourself, Laurian. I'll be sending you good vibes from England. *hugs*

Stephanie
xx

Ed Abbey said...

Gosh, I feel pretty lucky. All my breakups, all two, were mutual. (The rest never even got started.) The third one I married and she is definitely a keeper. Treats me like a king possibly because I treat her like a queen. Of course it took me thirty years to find her. It was worth the wait.

Paperslut said...

Breakups suck ass. Unless you were stupid enough to fall into something that you knew wouldn't work anyways. Ah retrospect brings out the best choice of words and the worst choices.

Peas on Toast said...

Jimmmer - I am completely flattered! You'd do that for me, and us?? I'm so glad there're some decent guys out there still. I'm really starting to have my doubts...but you saved the day. x :)

Steph - I also questioned my sanity! God, if I ever open myself up to a relationship again in this lifetime, it'll be too soon!

Ed - You lucky fish. :)

Wonderwall - They do indeed. I was with this guy 6 years. (less 6 months last year - but for other reasons.) And over the last year or so, I've seen it coming...

November Rain said...

I meant to post yester day but I let myself get distracted


where to begin...
my ex was one would like to tear you down.
His mother was a strong overbearing woman
he didnt have the courage to talk back or tell his mom off so he instead tore the women he knew down
said you are making me do this and I believed him
he would put me in a chair and make me sit for hours while he screamed and told me how useless, ugly I was

the only time he could get an erection was if I cried then he wanted sex

He had drug me out in my nightgown and locked me out of the house when it was freezing

made me eat off the floor when I was allowed to eat

in the last years he became more and more violent
he nearly broke my leg
then threats he would take his guns while cleaning them and tell me how easy he could kill me
he would sometime when I was cleaning come up behind stick the gun in the back off my head and pull the trigger yelling bang
laughing as I peed on myself and cried (the gun was emoty but I never knew when it wouldnt be)

before bed he would say he thought of suicided just driving his truck in a tree but he knew he would have to kill me first

then he started to get more physical
the first time he tried to hit me in the face I ducked and he broke his wrist on the wall (brike like wall)
finally he said (2 weeks after daddy death)stop moping he wasnt that great of a man
I blacked out and woke on top of him strangling him saying why wasnt it you I wish it had been you etc..

I knew I had to leave or one of us would kill the other

by then I found fire and he helped me muster up the courage to leave


I stayed in that for 10 years because I thought it was normal
daddy had not hit momma since he went to anger managment when I was 6 years old but they fought and it was always loud and all my uncles beat my aunts so I thought that was the way it was
men just hit women but then I found fire I came here to Germany and met other men and they dont hit and they dont yell

Fire has NEVER hit me or yelled at me and he lives in hell I have tried to watch the mood swings because I yell at him
it was for 2 reasons
1 because I believed he didnt love me becuase he didnt hit/yell at me
but I now know a man can love you without doing that in fact love isnt hurting another
the other was because the only way I cold get my needs from my ex was to yell (and it didnt always work) so I keep saying I dont need to do this and after 7 years I am still working through the emotions
so no you are not alone
clamimng up doesnt help find someone to talk to about this because talking this out with another person to listen is the first step to healing and weather you realize it or not you have scars from this emotional and physical abuse

big hugs

Peas on Toast said...

Novy - that is insane!!! Oh. my. god. The fact that you got out of that is a miracle. He deserves to burn in hell. Words cannot even explain how nagry I am that this person could do this to any other human being.

You must be a very strong woman. Inspiringly strong. Thanks for your honest story Novy. xxxx