Tuesday, March 28, 2006

56 hours

Jeeziz Christ I am DYING here.
I have not seen a cigarette for exactly 56 hours and 2 minutes and 54 seconds. I am so uncomfortable right now. In fact, I'd rather be sitting in my own wet nappy, sucking away on Marlboro Lights.

From 10 a day to nothing, what do I have to look forward to?
1) Getting fat. I cannot stop eating.
2) Getting stoned. Best alternative to tobacco.
3) Feeling stoopid as a result.
4) Crankiness.
5) Not being able to sleep.
6) No smoke breaks at work.
7) Watching most of my mates light up willy-nilly, while I need to sit on my hands.

Nobody tells you about this fucking awful aftertaste you have in your mouth once you give up either. Jeeziz. It's like I've gargled Domestos.

I am so unbelievably cranky, I have even switched off my extended arm/cellphone for the day. This is big. I cannot be bothered to make sweet with small talk to randoms that phone me, or talk to Small Bum. So I have chosen to disappear.

Small Bum is at the pinnacle of this irritation because:
1) He gave me such a shocking speech about what happened to his dad because he smoked that I actually just had to give up. The choice simply was no longer mine. And that in itself fucks me off.
2) One day I'm going to have to thank HIM for giving up, meanwhile it was me. Talk about undue credit.
3) He has a job now that involves funny hours/shifts. I will never see him. Fuck him for that.
4) We not a 'usual' couple. We don't a have an 'our song,' we're not in love, we don't suck face all day long, and I am the one who, let's face it, has the healthy libido between us. Well fuck that. As great as it is on the surface to be slightly normal and still very independent of each other, right now, more than anything, I want someone to love me. But he will only 'fall in love with me' if he decides he wants to marry me, when he's 29 to be precise. We're 25. This. Irritates. Me. No. End. He's controlling everything that most people can't.
5) And all the new couples surrounding me at present cannot stop sucking face, having vertical sex on the dancefloor or just about, staring into each other's eyes like pavement special puppies, and are bonded by the hip. It's sick. But somehow I wouldn't mind having that for maybe like a week?

So. Tonight I will sulk with my phone off. And probably get stoned so I can fall asleep without the help of tobacco.
Tough times ahead indeed.


Billy said...

If your quality of life plummets so you can have a healthy one wouldnt it be better to have a smoking habit and a happy life?

Peas on Toast said...

Yip. And that's what I have said every single time I have tried to give up before. And it didn't work. Or I have tried to only smoke socially, when I'm having a few drinks. Didn't work.

So this is it. Not another cigarette.
And miserable I may be, sure.

Peas on Toast said...

Actually, miserable I am.
If it doesn't get better, I will start a new addiction. But for now, no smoking.

Rays said...

Peas - I totally know what you mean by being not the 'usual' couple. Yip - in the same boat. Sometimes it's cool, sometimes it sucks.. like sometimes you DO want that puppy-bliss for at least one week so that you can tiptoe around like a fairy!

Got your back on that one. I get cranky about it and I don't even smoke!

Background check on where he comes from - because I have a feeling if he's from where I think he is, then there is no surprise that he's like that (but actually he's not and it's all a front!) because all boys from that part of the world (a very small part!) 'say' they're like that!

-- hope you could keep up with that last paragraph!

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - can't quite keep up with the last part of that paragraph, no. Are we talking about where he went to school?

And I'm presuming yours went to that school too, right?

Phil said...

He he. Enjoy the quitting. I think i am gonna go for a smoke break. Seriously - good luck. And incidentally what is so special about 29 - or is it because 30 is staring him in the face suddenly?
Have you considered that while HE may seem to be the one "in control" HE is actually allowing a preseet timetable in his mind to control HIS life - and YOURS - hmmm

Jam said...

Go Peas!

I've quit twice before...once with Smokenders. Where they tell you to drink lots of orange juice (stops you craving) and brush your teeth all the time (gives you something to do with your mouth...although there must be other things you could do). Not a great combination...but it sure kills that awful taste with something only slightly better.

Think of it like this - you were probably smoking to anaethetise yourself against your emotions. Now there is no buffer. So everything you're feeling is real and good, and after a while, it will become easier to cope. Meanwhile, try some hip hop dancing or something to get around the stress....:)

Right now, I doubt that what you need is ANOTHER heavy relationship, and that's where all those "new romances" are heading. Just have fun! And when you're ready, you'll fall in love again.

Peas on Toast said...

...therefore Phil, putting him in control.

I'll tell you this much, I'm not waiting around until 29 until he may or may not decide he is in love with me. I have bigger fish to fry until then.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - thanks dearest. I will definitely try the orange juice/compulsive teeth cleaning thing. Anything to get rid of this taste.

The crap thing is I am only used to intense relationships. So now I have to stop myself and pull myself back constantly so that I'm not the loser who is the only one in love at this point.
It's ludicrous.

Jam said...

I've just told the person I met that I am quite enamoured with to be friends with me ONLY. Keeping my hormones in a box is another issue altogether...
Like you, I too find pulling back a complete challenge. But you need time to heal...

Peas on Toast said...

Heal Shmeal. No seriously. I wish I could do what you and Small Bum can, and stick my feelings in a box and open them when everyone's ready.
I wouldn't be with Small Bum so soon after a long relationship if I didn't like him. I could've completely pulled off the "I've just come out of a long relationship" excuse, and I didn't. Why? Cos I liked him that much, I suppose.

And I do want him to love me back, yes. I feel like the only one that wants that. And that my friend, isn't a great feeling.

Rays said...

So - do you love him?

And let me know if you think you have to put some type of time period on when you're supposed to be in love with someone?

I mean, isn't it just as possible to fall in love after one month for one person as it is for another to fall in love after 10 months? Surely it's all based on one's emotional being and mind-set?

Has he been in love before?

Freddie said...

Peas...can I say... patches worked for me...for..4...er...months:-D

It is hard but, vasbyt china, its worth it in the long run...

Sez she and the skulks off for a quick fag..

ATW said...

seem to remember that you gave up drinking for a while some time back. would be curious to how it compares - but that at least had a cut-off date - not the infinite target that ending smoking needs.the big test will be to maintain hold your discipline after a tankful of thirst quenching this weekend. good luck.

on the big M word. why go there? there are no rules in this game . I had grand plans of holding out till my mid 30's but relented well before (27!). It's a great institution don't get me wrong but the event in itself is driven largely by circumstance & where one is at in life etc than any sort of grand plan. It's not that romantic either. You (one or both) get gatvol of discussing the possibility, you agree that you actually do dig one another and then you set a date (mainly driven by which place on the hartebeesfontein dam road has a free saturday available). BUT it's the most difficult decision in bloke's life because it means acceptance that it's time to grow up and commit to closing the door on other opportunities, no matter how remote or second rate those opportunities could be(and we never really grow up!)

Billy said...


"mainly driven by which place on the hartebeesfontein dam road has a free saturday available"

Classic and very true!

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - He has never been in love before. Or so he says. I have. Yes I so think I love him.

Freddie - thanks guy. 81 hours and counting.

ATW - Thanks guy, but this really isn't about marraige for me. As far as I'm concerned, everyone has their times and dates set for a wedding, I don't. What bothers me is that he reckons he won't love anyone until he marries them. I think its pants.

Billy & ATW - Very true. However I'm set on closing off a street somewhere for my wedding. Strange but true.

Nessers said...

I think you are very brave trying to quit smoking. I never started but have seen friends quit and it's hard - so I hope you manage it - you seem pretty determined

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Nessers. This is why I love blogging, you get extra support from a whole new group of people. ;)