Thursday, April 13, 2006

Dear Nivea cream people,

Please bear with me, as I am most upset. For a dedicated and solid four years, I have been a loyal purchaser of your Shimmering Reflective Body Lotion. This product is up there with the other two favourites I cannot live without. (Clinique’s All Day Lasting foundation and Vanish in the pump bottle).

Your shimmering body lotion doesn’t only make me feel like a million bucks, it helps me score with the opposite sex. Because it makes my skin look like a Mediterranean crème brulee. I slather it on lavishly before hitting a night club and literally reel the men in. And I give full credit to the luminosity of my skin, not the size of my boobs. My skin, slavished lovingly in your brand of shimmer. I cannot leave my house without it.

So imagine my surprise when I walk into Dis-Chem yesterday afternoon, peruse the Nivea aisle and find no Shimmering Body Lotion. I ask a willing assistant where it could be – there must be some mistake – another shelf perhaps? No. Out of stock? No. Not today.
Crisis. Shimmering Body Lotion has been pulled from the shelves.

You guys no longer manufacture the stuff. I take the news like I would take a blow to the head with a meat cleaver, and after a mild aboplexy, settle on your Satin Sheen Reflective Sun Lotion SPF 15. Sun block. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I have turned to sun block as the next alternative. Not only do I now smell like a sunny day in Plett, I am oiled up enough to pass as a greasy surfactant on a Grecian pimp. It also makes me feel rather schvitzy. Attractive. I cannot go to a nightclub like this! This is beachware for goodness sake! And I cannot find another brand of shimmering stuff that was as good as yours – the rest is superfluous goo as far as I am concerned, and one in particular makes me look like a luminous cookie monster.

I cannot possibly go without the stuff. My confidence will dip and I will be burdened with a low self-esteem. Your cream, Nivea, made me feel like a rock star. And you have pulled it from the shelves! Please. I need a reasonable explanation for this. My colleague also does, as she is also upset about this, but not as much as me. A reason. Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding? Like the truckers that drive the cream en masse to each chemist and supermarket in the country have gone on strike?

I wait your response urgently.
Sincerely,
Peas

32 comments:

Billy said...

LMAO.

jam said...

Mmm...that stuff actually works?
I always thought it would make me look like a sparkling christmas fairy and avoided it. And now because I avoided it along with other people who thought they would too, there's clearly no demand.
I hate that. Now I want to try it and they've pulled it.
:0(

Marc said...

Whahaha..Crisis Mode...

You better get some of that before you go and see Robbie on Monday. Eish

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - LMAO? Non comprehendo amigo.

Jam - That's the beauty of the Nivea range! It didn't make me sparkle like a fucking Christmas fairy! It made me look all tanned and healthy, not like the other brands. This is sacrilege I tell you!

Marc - Oh my God. How the hell am I to impress Robbie now? I'll just sink into the crowds. Not coping. Not coping.

Jam said...

Laugh My Ass Off (LMAO)?

Peas on Toast said...

Bless! :)
I am however not laughing my ass off. Nivea had better get back to me and pronto! (Better still - do you think they have any dead shimmering stock lying around in their factory basement somewhere?)

Rays said...

Oh my! I've also been a dedicated Nivea shimmering body lotion user for years (and have added a couple notches to the belt because of it!)

I still have 3/4's of a bottle if you'd like some! ;)

A nice alternative I received as a present recently is Body Shop's Shimmering Cranberry Lotion - smells delightful!

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - Now we're talking. Body Shop's Shimmering Cranberry Lotion. I will be hitting a Body Shop TODAY. I am willing to try any alternatives. This does sound most promising. I'm willing to spend a small fortune.

As for your 3/4 of a bottle...use it wisely my friend. It's gold.

PS: Did you notice that a guy by the name of 'Gareth Cliff' left me a comment a few posts back? Coinkedink, or cruel joke do you think?

Billy said...

Does Cliff know how to operate the internet?

i doubt it.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - I know, let's ask him:

Cliff, can you operate the Internet?
Regards,
Billy & Peas

PS: I'm also trying to establish whether it was in fact you that left me a message or someone taking the piss.

Billy said...

My moneys on the piss.

Queen Elizabeth II said...

Hi Peas
From Elizabeth. (Liz for short)

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - I wrote the above post. It was just too tempting.
I have been had.
By a Gareth Cliff wannabe.

peanut said...

Ok, here's an idea, everyone go have a look at their nearest Clicks/DisChem/chemist to locate any Nivea shimmering creams that have escape being so cruelly pulled off the shelves...I'm sure we can rely on the inefficiency of retail staff, and then locate the largest stash - and get the word out??!?!?
I agree with Jam, I am now dying to try this stuff!!
Apparently, according to the latest Shape mag their is some J&J all year-round tan stuff that is nothching up the sales in the UK. Dunno, worth a try??

Peas on Toast said...

Peanut - alas, I fear it may even be too late. I tried the Hyperama and a Spar yesterday as a last stab. Nothing.
This stuff isn't self-tan, it's like an instant skin miracle in a bottle.

Even so your idea is worth a try Peanut: if anyone has any to offer me - prhaps a stray bottle lying around - I will pay you good money for it.
I'm being dead serious: You send it to me, I deposit a wodge of cash into your account. Any takers?

Daedalus said...

ROFLMAO.

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus that's an interesting sound you have emitted right there. Let me guess: the mating call of the endangered Nepali yak?

Rays said...

The Cliff left a comment? I don't believe that! I'll go have a look!

Daedalus said...

pops...

If *Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off* = mating call of the *endangered Nepali Yak* then...

*yeah*, I guess I have excited some Nepali Yak’s

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - I shit you not. I fear I might've been had. Check two or three posts down. I think it may have been the 'things I learnt over 24 hours one'.

Daedalus - you're turning me on. ;)

Contrary to popular belief, I am in fact, a yak.

Daedalus said...

Peas - Never interrupt me when you are being flattered?

Wait!...

ROFLMAO.send!

Peas on Toast said...

Peas/Talking Yak: Stop, stop, I'm involved with another...yak.

Daedalus said...

ROFLMAO.Recall

acidicice said...

1. Don't rely on anything that is made by a corporate company.

2.Don't rely on anything made by a small independant company.

(1) Doesn't give a shit about you and your issues with their products or lack thereof...(2)will probably go bankrupt because of (1) and you'll never see their product again, although they did care that you used it.

Always have a backup. It will happen again!

acidicice said...

Hmmm...Willing to shell out money? Christian Dior's shimmering body lotion - Hypnotic Poison...smells DIVINE and has very very fine gold glitter in it...costs a ton...I'm sure they have testers though!

Dis-chem infuriates me. On more than one occasion I've gone in there looking for a SPECIFIC product...they're ALWAYS out of my colour...Dis-chem discriminates against my colour preferences...ARGH!

Peas on Toast said...

Acidicice - I've used the tester before, it smells wonderful! Totally agreed. Thing is, because it's so expensive and smells so peachy I'd probably only end up using it for special occassions.
Still, maybe I can shell out if I have no other options. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi peas!after reading this post i took it upon myself to find an alternative product so u may once again pull in men by the hordes. There's this body lotion by Avon (yes Avon of our mother's generation) called Island Vibe beach glow body lotion. It has very fine glitter particles in it and smells lyk a fruit salad.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone ever experienced adverse reactions to Nivea Visage after accidently getting some in your eye? Within hours of my "event" I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy and corneal inflammation. Though the inflammation has healed, thanks to eye antibiotics, the palsy is still present after 31 days and is extemely annoying. I have been in contact with Nivea on two occassions & they said no one has ever reported such reactions. Anyone have a similar experience?

onderdiemaanensterre said...

This is so funny! You made my day....

Nadira said...

Nivea Shimmering body lotion IS EVEN BETTER THAN SLICED BREAD, EVEN BETTER THAN BREAD ITSELF.

I feel your pain Peas. I too cried unshimmery, flat tears when I could not find it on the shelves..I had my bottle till end of last yr!!--even SAWED the damn thing open with a bread knife (those bottles are ^&#***&! tough!), in order to scrape out the last bits of golden goodnes..(with the result that my gorgeous skin was also covered with little white flecks of sawed plastic!)

I feel you..

Regards
Dull and flat skin

bostonienne said...

This post is so old, but I thought I'd share my condolences. I stumbled across this post while trying to find this very same product, somewhere, anywhere, on the internet. I bought my first and last bottle in March 2006. It made my tan legs gleam in the subtlest,sexiest way. I miss it. Thank you for letting me know its fate.

buzzbea said...

try johnsons&johnsons moisterising lotion,it gives your skin that glow without the glitter...best of all is applying before you go to gym....your skin has this dewy appearance,like you've just had sex for hours..lol,I'm not even kidding AND you look like you're really burning those cals...try it!