Please bear with me, as I am most upset. For a dedicated and solid four years, I have been a loyal purchaser of your Shimmering Reflective Body Lotion. This product is up there with the other two favourites I cannot live without. (Clinique’s All Day Lasting foundation and Vanish in the pump bottle).
Your shimmering body lotion doesn’t only make me feel like a million bucks, it helps me score with the opposite sex. Because it makes my skin look like a Mediterranean crème brulee. I slather it on lavishly before hitting a night club and literally reel the men in. And I give full credit to the luminosity of my skin, not the size of my boobs. My skin, slavished lovingly in your brand of shimmer. I cannot leave my house without it.
So imagine my surprise when I walk into Dis-Chem yesterday afternoon, peruse the Nivea aisle and find no Shimmering Body Lotion. I ask a willing assistant where it could be – there must be some mistake – another shelf perhaps? No. Out of stock? No. Not today.
Crisis. Shimmering Body Lotion has been pulled from the shelves.
You guys no longer manufacture the stuff. I take the news like I would take a blow to the head with a meat cleaver, and after a mild aboplexy, settle on your Satin Sheen Reflective Sun Lotion SPF 15. Sun block. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I have turned to sun block as the next alternative. Not only do I now smell like a sunny day in Plett, I am oiled up enough to pass as a greasy surfactant on a Grecian pimp. It also makes me feel rather schvitzy. Attractive. I cannot go to a nightclub like this! This is beachware for goodness sake! And I cannot find another brand of shimmering stuff that was as good as yours – the rest is superfluous goo as far as I am concerned, and one in particular makes me look like a luminous cookie monster.
I cannot possibly go without the stuff. My confidence will dip and I will be burdened with a low self-esteem. Your cream, Nivea, made me feel like a rock star. And you have pulled it from the shelves! Please. I need a reasonable explanation for this. My colleague also does, as she is also upset about this, but not as much as me. A reason. Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding? Like the truckers that drive the cream en masse to each chemist and supermarket in the country have gone on strike?
I wait your response urgently.