Thursday, April 13, 2006

Nivea responds with good and bad news

ATTENTION: MS. [PEAS ON TOAST]

Dear [Peas],

Thank you for your email via the Nivea website. Firstly, may I say at the outset that your email is the best bit of writing I have seen in a very long time! Although you are not a "happy customer" at present, your descriptions were extremely amusing and you really made my day!! Thanks for that.
Ah bless – Ed

On a rather sheepish note, I am almost afraid to tell you the bad news. The product has indeed been discontinued. Regrettably, you appear to be one of a rare few who really enjoyed using the product. It was in fact discontinued in South Africa due to the very low off-take.

Nivea products are not manufactured in South Africa, but are imported from the various Beiersdorf manufacturing sites in Europe. The Shimmering Lotion is still available in Europe.

In redeeming myself here, I have contacted head office to see whether they can find any of the old stock somewhere. I am advised that they are expecting some to be sent back from one of the warehouses. As soon as it arrives, I will scoop 6 bottles and send them to you. I know this doesn't help you long-term, but it will tide you over for a while at least (hopefully we will then ensure that you do not suffer from the low self-esteem that you are anticipating!!)

Noelene Feldon
Consumer Affairs Consultant
Beiersdorf Consumer Products (SA)

Six bottles?? It’s Christmas! *excitement! *

Dearest Noelene

Your email has delighted me, thank you, even if the pulling of product is pants. Next time I am in Luxembourg or perhaps Germany on the rare chance, I will most certainly take with me an empty suitcase to fill it up with loads and loads of shimmery delight. I cannot believe that South African women have no idea what they've been missing. Shimmering Lotion is my ticket to the good time, and it will be sorely missed.

However, if you do happen upon a few stray bottles of the shimmery stuff in one of your warehouses, please send it my way. I will bath in the stuff with reckless abandon I would be so happy. On arrival of a box of Shimmering Body Lotion on my doorstep, I will drop to my knees and thank Nivea in a possibly very public and embarrassing display of absolute gratefulness.

Utmost kindest regards,
Peas

I am off to the Kruger Park tomorrow afternoon. To tell you the truth, I’m not helluva excited about this, for a number of reasons I shan’t go into right this moment.

Not to be a boring Bertha, but I foresee this little trip being a little bit of a disaster. Adding to this fervent dread was the fact I was left to do the grocery shopping for everyone during my lunch hour. So, through the teeming masses of Jews buying up their Pesach dinner ingredients and Christians buying up truckloads of Easter eggs at Norwood Hyper, the experience was less than blissful. My trolley was bashed 1 000 times and somebody, no some bitch, stood on the back of my heel. Then there was the granny holding up the hectare-long queue while she painstakingly counted the entire contents of her wallet, only to write a cheque with exaggerated slowness thereafter.

I’d rather be going to the coast, it’s the same distance, and right now a bit of sun sounds far more appealing. (At least my fucking Nivea Reflective Sun Block would come to good use.)

I apologise for being all cryptic, it’s not usually my style, but I am toying with a serious decision about something I can only really put into place after Easter and Robbie Williams.
Should this come to fruition, I will spill the beans.

Anyway, here’s wishing all of you a happy Easter/Pesach/whatever.
See you at Robbie! Fuck yeah.

Toodles.

11 comments:

Billy said...

Well done Nivea!! They respond!With a personality too!

Happy Easter Peas, make the best of it.

I have received some brilliant life changing news which i shall tell you all about next week but for now its all about the weekend people!

GoDsGiMp said...

A word of advice from someone who has had the experience. When in the Kruger, remember to abide by the golden rule, scratch that not golden.. more valuable, platinum or adamantium rule. And I am not talking about getting out your car.. although don't do that either. Whatever happens no matter how pissed off you might get or how badly you wish to relieve your stress, donnot under any circumstances whatsoever have an argument in the Kruger. Why? Well the speed limit is 50km/h and you are in a car travelling long distances. Either the argument lasts forvever or you bring out the silent treatment.. which in that car, travelling that slowly, for that long... is really really silent.
Remember the rule. And enjoy the animals.
Ps- The animals on the curtians in the bungalow dont count.

Third World Ant said...

Peas leaves this morning for Kruger, so on her behalf:

Billy - make it a wicked one, and we're getting bloody antsy waiting for this life-changing news! No hints before then???

Godsgimp - sage advice. Peas has to contend with more than one argumentative person on this trip (and there are only four people to start with... not too many people to get away from it all, with). Do the animals in the bed count? I'm sure Peas will be seeing a lot of that :)

Billy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Billy said...

About a girl.

Third World Ant said...

oh no, you know what they say - give 'em a yard and they'll ask for a whole metre (or something to that effect).

sigh! will wait till next week to hear what the news is, but will produce a list now to guess:

- you're going to propose
- you're going to dump her
- you're having a sex change
- you're moving cities/countries to move in with an internet chick you've never person in person
- you got someone pregnant and she's going to have a girl

it has to be one of the above! am i right?!

ATW said...

Hi Peas, over yonder there in mosquito territory. I must agree with the Nivea folk. Your last post was a great bit of writing, dripping with syrupy sarcasm and topped with a dose of sweet wit. I genuinely look forward to your next joust with a corporate that gets up your goat.
TWA – not only are you flatmate/blogawards cheerleader/shoulder to cry on etc , you’ve now taken on the mantle of blogcomments responder. ‘Tis sweet. ..
Aah roll-on weekend. Enjoy the Robbie show on Monday for those who’ve got tickets (yee-haa).

Billy said...

you are right.

acidicice said...

I am now of the opinion that Nivea Rox!!!!

It is the question said...

Hey Peas

Was Muriel the South African entrant?

RUSSIA

SA loses out at Porcine Olympics

From iAfrica

Sun, 16 Apr 2006

Antoinette from Canada was the star on Saturday at the third annual piglet Olympics in Moscow, outshining competitors from as far afield as China and South Africa.

She showed her skills at the third annual piglet Olympics in running, football and swimming and will be the competitor to beat in Sunday's final.

Twelve piglets are in competition — pink, black, spotted and curly-tailed: six Russian and six foreign.

They were introduced with national flags and appropriate music before Tatiana Kolchanova, director-general of the union of domestic animal businesses formally declared the third annual games open.

The first contest involved races along closed paths, with the Russian team, wearing red, going first. Its captain, Kostik Russisches Schwein, made a distinguished showing and grunted his satifaction into a microphone.

The visitors wore blue, and include stars from France, Latvia, South Africa and Ukraine. After a false start when "someone pushed a piggy from behind, which is against the rules", Antoinette cruised to victory with Jean-Francois of France in second place.

Then soccer with real leather footballs coated in fish oil, a porcine treat, to encourage the competitors. Again, Antoinette, a skilled attacking player, caught the eye.

But the higlets were tired when the swimming competition began and will need to rest overnight.

AFP

Peas on Toast said...

Hey guys!
Thanks for all your comments, and especially thanks to my wonderful agent and spokesperson Ant. :)