Nivea responds with good and bad news

ATTENTION: MS. [PEAS ON TOAST]

Dear [Peas],

Thank you for your email via the Nivea website. Firstly, may I say at the outset that your email is the best bit of writing I have seen in a very long time! Although you are not a "happy customer" at present, your descriptions were extremely amusing and you really made my day!! Thanks for that.
Ah bless – Ed

On a rather sheepish note, I am almost afraid to tell you the bad news. The product has indeed been discontinued. Regrettably, you appear to be one of a rare few who really enjoyed using the product. It was in fact discontinued in South Africa due to the very low off-take.

Nivea products are not manufactured in South Africa, but are imported from the various Beiersdorf manufacturing sites in Europe. The Shimmering Lotion is still available in Europe.

In redeeming myself here, I have contacted head office to see whether they can find any of the old stock somewhere. I am advised that they are expecting some to be sent back from one of the warehouses. As soon as it arrives, I will scoop 6 bottles and send them to you. I know this doesn't help you long-term, but it will tide you over for a while at least (hopefully we will then ensure that you do not suffer from the low self-esteem that you are anticipating!!)

Noelene Feldon
Consumer Affairs Consultant
Beiersdorf Consumer Products (SA)

Six bottles?? It’s Christmas! *excitement! *

Dearest Noelene

Your email has delighted me, thank you, even if the pulling of product is pants. Next time I am in Luxembourg or perhaps Germany on the rare chance, I will most certainly take with me an empty suitcase to fill it up with loads and loads of shimmery delight. I cannot believe that South African women have no idea what they've been missing. Shimmering Lotion is my ticket to the good time, and it will be sorely missed.

However, if you do happen upon a few stray bottles of the shimmery stuff in one of your warehouses, please send it my way. I will bath in the stuff with reckless abandon I would be so happy. On arrival of a box of Shimmering Body Lotion on my doorstep, I will drop to my knees and thank Nivea in a possibly very public and embarrassing display of absolute gratefulness.

Utmost kindest regards,
Peas

I am off to the Kruger Park tomorrow afternoon. To tell you the truth, I’m not helluva excited about this, for a number of reasons I shan’t go into right this moment.

Not to be a boring Bertha, but I foresee this little trip being a little bit of a disaster. Adding to this fervent dread was the fact I was left to do the grocery shopping for everyone during my lunch hour. So, through the teeming masses of Jews buying up their Pesach dinner ingredients and Christians buying up truckloads of Easter eggs at Norwood Hyper, the experience was less than blissful. My trolley was bashed 1 000 times and somebody, no some bitch, stood on the back of my heel. Then there was the granny holding up the hectare-long queue while she painstakingly counted the entire contents of her wallet, only to write a cheque with exaggerated slowness thereafter.

I’d rather be going to the coast, it’s the same distance, and right now a bit of sun sounds far more appealing. (At least my fucking Nivea Reflective Sun Block would come to good use.)

I apologise for being all cryptic, it’s not usually my style, but I am toying with a serious decision about something I can only really put into place after Easter and Robbie Williams.
Should this come to fruition, I will spill the beans.

Anyway, here’s wishing all of you a happy Easter/Pesach/whatever.
See you at Robbie! Fuck yeah.

Toodles.