Wednesday, April 26, 2006

how to tick me off

Ask me if you can spend five minutes with my boyfriend alone, and be a good looking woman, to leave me at a party where I know not a single soul.

Because you are not in fact asking me. You’re telling me. And you’re actually just telling me to get lost.
This has happened to me twice. This year. Both times with Small Bum.

So women love him. No, women really love him. Small Bum has a large bunch of female friends. Which is ok, since I hang out with more guys than girls. He oozes charm, is sensitive, is an absolute riot, a-good-shoulder-to-cry-on-guy, has a lovely smile to complement the blue eyes, works with lots of women. So they are constantly around. I have got used to this. I deal.

What I will never get used to is royal fucking blatant rudeness.
Both cases were remarkably similar.
The first time was at a birthday party of one of his blonde, angular-jawed colleagues. I knew nobody there. It was at a trendy bar. She sidled up to me, put on a smile and said, “Can I have just five minutes with him? I need some exclusive [Small Bum] time. I am having withdrawels.”
I nearly ate my own foot. Who asks that? Just talk to him for God’s sake. Asking me just makes me feel uncomfortable. I went to the bar. To give them their alone fucking time.

Then, by jove, it bloody well happened again. Friday. House party. Another colleague of his. Sultry Portuguese siren who was so tactile, there was a brief time I thought she was hitting on me and Small Bum simultaneously. She squeezed my bum and told me I was gorgeous, then jumped on Small Bum, her boobs all but pressed into his chest.

Then she said those unbelievable words these colleagues of his seem to thrust from their masticating pie holes: Do you mind if I steal him away for five minutes to chat?
Now I was really stuck. We had arrived late, there were only a few smatterings of human race around this unfamiliar house of hers, and I had no one to talk to. I went and sat on the loo for ten minutes and read a three-year old Marie Claire. Can you fucking handle.

I came back. Oh but her time wasn’t over, see. I sat next to Small Bum, visibly seething because I felt like I was intruding. She then, holy crap, suggested I talk to her boyfriend to amuse myself. Her boyfriend was sitting in a coked out stupor on the floor, obviously his recreation time during movie sets in Hollywood, because he’s a stuntman wanting to make it big over there. I would rather have chatted to Paris Hilton right then. Both have euphemistically challenged intellectual capacity.

I made some excuse for feeling sick and went for a clonky, angry walk down this lonely and deserted street of suburban Melville, wondering whether any of my guy friends would even contemplate asking Small Bum to step aside so that they can chew the phat with me privately. Especially if he knew no one at the party.

Highly fucking doubtful. They don’t need to hit on me like that.

Women can be the pits.

I went home without saying goodbye to her. Small Bum ever apologetic for his friends’ lack of manners. Maybe it’s because of the stilettos I was wearing. Maybe my feet looked hot.

No, Small Bum tells me she has a crush on him. Oh bless. She smsed him yesterday to apologise for her behaviour. Bitch.

PS: I am sick. I have a cold sore the size of Mount Rushmore on my bottom lip - yikes - and the 'flu. Obviously our wild bra-related exploits at Lusitoland have caught up with me. Small Bum bought me some chicken soup, Vitamin C and ginger tea yesterday. And commented on the herpes blister that obscures my face. Because I didn't notice it there already.


fly said...

I used to have the same problem with my ex and I used to tell them straight...yes I do bloody mind !!! ... :oD

Unless she is his mother/sister/cousin, he doesnt need any "alone" with anyone else...I cant see a need to....whatever she says to him, she could surely say to you ???....unless of course its something she doesnt want you to hear ;o)

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - exactly. Why even ask me? It makes it that more obvious that she has something to say to him that I am not privvy to.
Yowza I was pissed off!

A nony Mous said...

Ah peas ... don't stress. Got to love this time of year, I too have a fever blister no smaller than Kilimanjaro, mine sits proudly on my top lip though, and I have a sore throat and a painful cough coming along nicely. So you're not alone. Roll with it !

As for those slappers after SB, I wouldn't worry about it, I'm sure they have nothing on you miss peas ! Were they on stage at Lusitoland? I think not!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

A Nony Mous - ah thanks dear. Although my Lusito moment isn't anything to be proud of me thinks. ;)
It seems everyone is getting flu. I sounds truly horrific at the moment, so am opting not to talk out loud in the office. :)

Third Roommate gave me a comeback for the next time, and there will be a next time, another one of his busty colleagues asks me for five minutes of his exclusive time:
"Of course, in fact take twenty. I've got him alllllllll night." Then wink at him and whisper something about what position we'll execute in the sack later.

Wish I had thought of that then!

Jam said...

I would find this infuriating as well! I would have taken her up on the offer to speak to her boyfriend...whispering intimately into his ear until she got the message....!

sheldon said...

Four words people, four words: Vit Ta Min C!

As for the how-to-tick-you-off girls I think combacks are the one! But what's wrong with doing the, "errrrrr let me think about that... NO!"?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - had I been in a better frame of mind, I would've happily chatted to her boyfriend one on one. Pity he seemed about as interesting as a loaded stapler.

Sheldon - dude. I've been throwing Vit A Min C capsules down my throat ad infinitum. I think what I need is a holiday. :)
And if I ever see this woman again, trust me, she'll get a verbal lambasting if she tries that again!

Jam said...

What was it that Small Bum had to say about this? Why doesn't HE say no??

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - well in true woman fashion, I insisted it was fine that he spend alone time with her, when he could clearly see it really was not fine. I said I was going for a walk outside and he ran after me and asked me why. So I told him. And insisted he give her her five minutes - which was dumb, because I really didn't want him to - and told him that I would be going home in five minutes so best he meet me outside. :)

He also told her how rude she was, and was very sweet to me nevertheless.

fly said...

yeah im also with Jam on this....I would come down harder on my ex for letting it happen...

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - You're both absolutely right. I should've sucked it up and told him that we're going home that instant.

He knows how upset I was though, so I doubt this would happen again.

peanut said...

I totally agree with Jam.
Any normal guy would love the attention, but come on, it is just not fair to you.
Really, if these girls are rude, that is beyond your control. But it is up to him to tell them where to get off.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks peanut, jam and fly. I really thought I was being ridiculous and shouldn't be so touchy about all of this.

Next time, and God help him if there is a next time, there will be nothing more scary than the wrath of a girlfriend scorned!

Sometimes one forgets that its ok to be very angry.

Jam said...

Mmmmm...see, I also get the "In true woman fashion" thing. Because you don't want to appear as though you are some possessive psychotic person! But sometimes you have a right to be a little possessive...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam, well ja, that's why it is my fault for not putting my foot down and caring whether I come across as the possessive demonic girlfriend or not.
So I told him to stay and talk to her.
"You've got five minutes, then I'm going home, see you outside." kind of thing.

But this won't happen again. Next time I'll just get in my car and go, no warning!

Aaargh, relationships are so much a mixture of guessing and doing. Hard bloody work. Arrgh!

Antoine said...

We are going to have to find you a dose of confidence Peas :)

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - any suggestions? My confidence has taken a dive lately, and its so not cool.

Perhaps this weekend, surrounded by men at the Vaal, I'll feel better. :)

fly said...

How about Tequila ?!

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - If there's anything that gives me the insatiable feeling of grandiose, it's tequila.

Perhaps that's what was missing on FRiday evening. :)

acidicice said...

Fucking whores. I hate them. It's not on. They should be able to "chat" in front of you!

Bless him for caring for you when he's sick <3

My grandfather always said "A handsome man is everybody's man". The truth SUX.

Feel better soon *hugs*

acidicice said...

*I mean when YOU'RE sick.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Acidicice x

ATW said...

Is it ever OK to SMS an apology?

Peas on Toast said...

ATW - perhaps, who knows. Maybe she's embarrassed.