Thursday, April 27, 2006


I did something stupid yesterday. Ex S is leaving to go to Europe for three months. We met yesterday to touch base and say goodbye.

I asked him almost straight away, knowing I was on shaky ground. Well, immediately after I offered to share my cheesy nachos with him.

“So, have you and The Boob slept together?”

“Do you love her?”

It felt like a bullet went through my chest. You know you should never ask, you don’t expect that blatant answer but you know it’s a possibility. So when you hear it for real, from their own mouths, it’s pretty fucking awful.

The meeting lasted no more than 45 seconds.
Reeling in shock, I told him this was a bad idea because I actually couldn’t handle this meeting. He stormed off.

I took the rest of the cheesy nachos home in a doggy bag.

I barely made it to my car, to sob and wail all the way home from Melrose Arch. I sobbed in the garage. I sobbed on the stairs leading to my flat. I sobbed in my flat, on the couch, on my bed, in the kitchen. For two hours, I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

The image of them fucking never left my head the whole night, and every time it popped up, whilst watching Nip/Tuck with C and Third Roommate, or when I took a bath, I had to stop myself from having a panic attack. My imagination tortured me last night, and it was a small miracle I didn't smoke with C and Third Roommate. If there was ever a time to start up again.

During my crying staccato, and conscious control to foil the urge to vomit, I realised three shocking truths had come to the fore over the month of April:

Ex S: No longer loves me. Realised on 25 April. He loves a ‘mate’ we both know.
Ex R: Never did love me. Realised 10 April. Really does just want to be friends.
Small Bum: Never will love me. Realised 20 April. I am really as random as his other girlfriends.

God it’s almost depressing.
I’m going down to the Vaal this afternoon to spend five boozy days with a whole lot of fun people. May I be sufficiently distracted. And may I anaethetise myself with gin and tonics, good company, lazy boat rides and sneaky headboard banging with Small Bum.


Jam said...

*Big Big Hug*

I don't believe that your Ex S could be in love with someone so quickly - it's probably more of an infatuation.

And it's great to cry. I have been avoiding it for the last month, and then had a three day sob session leading up to my 1 year wedding anniversary which happened (minus my husband) on Sunday. And I feel much much better having cried SO MUCH.

So go off to the Vaal, drown in drinks and remember to have a good sniffle or two as well!

Rays said...

If Smalls is never going to love you and you know this for sure. Maybe walk away if you think you could be in love with him. What's the point if you're going to get hurt?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - thanks sweetheart. It's not nearly as drastic as your first anniversary though, so big hugs back. The crying if anything, is hugely therapeutic, if not loud!

Rays - that's essentially what may happen. I'm giving him until our 6 month mark (4 July), and if nothing by then, I'll walk away. It sucks getting hurt over and over again.

Phil said...

Ah Peas. Sucks hey. Been there many times. My ex fiance had the politeness to send me an sms announcing her engagement to the guy I discovered she was shagging before she dumped me.....boy did that hurt!
I know is is a cliche but time and shagging other people helps no end!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - shitters, that's harsh. One wonders why we bother to fall in love when the risk of hurt is so high! I suppose I should just keep up the exhorbitant amount of shagging I'm doing in the hope that eventually I can't remember what Ex S' face looks like.

GoDsGiMp said...

Sometimes we do the silliest things, for instance I once jumped of a balcony for a bet and broke both ankles in a stoned/drunken haze. You on the other hand found out what you already knew and it hurts like my ankles, except just below the third and fourth rib. Lets face it Peas as much as you don't want to know, you probably been dying to know, thats why you asked (and thats why you been trying to remember his damn email password for weeks) Yeah it hurts, but it will fade, and you like me will be able to walk again.. (I like that, write that down!)

Jam said...

Wow Godspimp! You're even making me feel better...

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - It was definitely the closure I needed, and Jam is right, this is exactly why I love blogging: with stories like yours, I manage to come out feeling better. Thank you. ;)

Now, how do I bar incoming calls from a certain number on my phone? Because from now on, he doesn't exist.

GoDsGiMp said...

And as for forgetting what his face looks like. My advice think of his ass every time, so eventually what you get is a conglomeration of ass and face whcih let me tell you shouldn't be pretty no matter how nice his ass or face..
I also posted a special cartoon just for you on my blog. Hopefully it will make you smile. -he-said-

GoDsGiMp said...

Wow, you are a fast replier. There I was slowly doing my thing, trying to figure out how to get images bigger on blogger.. and bam you reply. I hadn't even finished my sage advice.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - I love it. Cept he did have quite a nice ass. Not as small as Small Bums' (obviously, since Ex S isn't called Small Bum, Small Bum is called Small Bum), but its worth a shot.

And I've actually tried to get onto your blog this morning and last week, and for some reason my server won't let me access it! *frustration*. I will continue to try though. A cartoon just for me, thank you! :)

Antoine said...

Confidence : (noun) A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance

A weekend - boozy and headboard stuff - is a great start.

I use the "I am the best there is an I know it" mantra, which works well when people make me angry/unhappy/etc.

Which roughly translates into. "Fsck you, do not attempt to change me so you can be happy"

And therein young Peas lies the secret to self confidence. (Antoine style *chuckle*)

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - I like that. I'm going to start backing myself. It's been way too long since I actually felt like a million bucks.

From today, I will make the change.
Nobody fucks with me anymore. ;)
Enough of this 'wa wa wa what about me' crap. Full speed ahead. :)

Antoine said...

You go goil!!!

peanut said...

wow peas, what a hectic post.
I'm sure everyone knows how tough it is to leave a relationship. If you suspect that that's how it is with you and SB,(i.e. 'random') keep that in the back of your head and be your own person.
I obviously don't know you, but from your writing you seem to be intelligent, funny and independent, and have a bunch of fab friends. And you are a whole lot more together than you may think!!
I am probably not the best to give advice, but try not to find worth in yourself through relationships.
Its a tough habit to break.

Q said...


Phakt said...

I'm sorry you're hurting...

I was wondering if Ex S begged you to get back together - would you?

The reason I ask is I'm wondering if you're giving Small Bum a "real" chance?

Peas on Toast said...

Peanut - thank you my dear. After all the emotional dramas I have posted herein, I am surprised you think I still have it together, nevertheless, there is hope for me, huh? ;) I guess I just have to keep my feet on the ground when it comes to SB. I'm just such a pathetic and hopeless romantic who falls in love way too easily.

Q - Yay for Iggy Pop! :)

phakt - He wouldn't. We're way too far down the road for that. And I don't think I would ever get past the whole 'in love and shagging a common acquiantance' thing.
As for SB, I really want things to work out for us. I just get bleak when I realise I am in love with him, but have no idea if he will ever feel the same way about me. Either way, he deserves a fair amount of time. I'm giving him six months from January.

fly said...

This January or next ??? :oD

You'll be fine only hurts for a little while and for now you have SB to occupy yourself with...count yourself lucky that you havent slipped into single dispair.... :o)

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - From this January. July we would've been together 6 months. I think that's enough time for someone to know someone else failry well and realise whether they're in love or judt biding time.

I think being single may even be easier right now Fly. No expectations and stuff.
Bt too late for that, upward and on.

fly said...

hmmmmm....I wouldnt set a date, that just puts pressure on the relationship and sets your expectations higher...and what happens if you get to that date and YOU REALLY LIKE HIM A WHOLE BUNCH... ??? will you just pack up and go... ???

btw, why is there a date ??? ....ive only been around these parts for a few weeks so I may be totally off base here....

Regarding Ex S...I still speak to my ex of 4 years ago...I still adore her to pieces and she slept with my best friend 3 months ago ?! which wouldve been fine if it wasnt just a one night stand (which it was) ...strangely I still adore her ?! but I do know that she is not the right person for me now...I had to go thru all the heartache to realise tho...ce la vie...

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - I've pondered about this date thing quite a whack. If I don't set an ultimatum, then I may find myself waiting forever. I've come to the conclusion that him loving me is pretty important, as it takes up alot of my thought processes and I get bleak that it's just me at this point. He doesn't know about the date, but he does know I won't wait around forever. Third Roommate, a guy friend of ours that is practically part of the furniture at out flat reckons I should set a time and tell him about it, then at least he has a heads up and has a chance to think about things.
I don't know. I certainly don't have the answers. I'm just trying to find the best way to handle this I guess.

I will like him a whole bunch then. I like him a whole bunch now. It will be hard. But then maybe there'll be room for someone to love me as much as I love them if I let SB go.

Perhaps Ex S and I will be able to talk again in 5 years. In the meantime, I think 'outta sight outta mind' applies. It just hurts too much.

fly said...

yeah I hear you there....(and we will call here "C")....I gave C a real hard time when we split...even when she moved to the UK I was on her case....we made friends, she came back and broke my heart cant be friends with some'll always want more and matter what happens, nothing will change will always want and want to be wanted by that person...

I would never go back to her....but that doesnt change the way I feel eitehr ;o)

Ive found that normally its the unsuspecting relationships that become the strong ones....the ones that you dont go nuts over...the ones where you think that theres actually nothing there, yet take that person away and your world crumbles...SB may be this person without you throw that away on a whim is a will never forgive yourself if you realise too late what it couldve been...

I dumped C and ive regretted it ever since...look, it may have been inevitable but.....I will never really know and thats the killer....

Peas on Toast said...

It makes me wonder Fly - SB may regret never saying he loved me too. I think dumping/being dumped totally works both ways. And I'm sorry to hear about C. I am a firm believer in wrong time, wrong place, perhaps that was you and C?

I just sincerely hope that SB can pull himself together. He's never been in love before, or so he says, so its looking doubtful at this point.

fly said...

and times running out it would seem ;o)

Jam said...

Peas - Just reading back and thinking about Phakt asking if you're giving Small Bum a real chance...I mean, you're still mourning your Ex S or at the very least, you're mourning the loss of that kind of relationship.
Reason why I am asking is because I am finding it hard to be with anyone new because I am still saying goodbye to the old. It's hard for me to find the emotional space to engage completely with someone else...because I'm preoccupied.

Third World Ant said...

I totally agree with your last point, Peas. Sometimes, things happen at the wrong time (and therefore just were never meant to be, for reasons we cannot fathom).

But I'd also like to agree with fly's point about 'unsuspecting relationships'... those are the kind where people don't try too hard to keep their partners keen at the beginning, only to let you down by seemingly losing interest and not making the same effort in the future. A guys who's honest at the start (by which I mean doesn't go out of his way to impress you with insincere over-the-top gestures of love), will be consistent in the way he treats you to the end. You'll always know where you stand...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I know it's amazing that I've managed to give myself to someone else so soon. But that's what makes SB so special. I never thought I'd be in something again so soon, but he's managed to keep my interest regardless of what I'm going through with Ex S.

TWA - Love you guy. SB is nothing if sincere. xx

Billy said...

So sorry to hear you had a rough one. Want me to beat anyone?

Jam said...

Then hang on to him Peas...and just give it a little more time. Is it really an issue that he doesn't love you RIGHT now? Are you happy together?

fly said...

and how do you know that he doesnt love you already ??? im not sticking up for the guy....but im hardly forthcoming with these kinds of things, as are most guys....

GoDsGiMp said...

Have to agree with Fly, us guys aren't exactly forthcoming with the 'l' word. It's like that dude in the Harry potter books (i know you have read them.. pls) "He who must not be named". That word.. the one starting wiht L is something we are always scared by. SB probably fell madly in "that word we cannot say" the moment he met you..

tash said...

Peas i got an email once from the ex, saying he was sorry, didnt realise how much pain he had caused me until he experienced it for himself.

I too got a sharp pain in my chest after further reading the email which then said: "I have a question,
do you regret trying to make it work after you'd realised that I didn't feel the way I had before? Do you think it was worthwhile taking the chance, or do you wish you'd just given it up as soon as it started going bad?"

So basically, he was asking me advice in a roundabout way whether he should pursue this chick or not.

Let me tell you, it hurt like hell.

I responded and said "thanks for the apology, however I feel it inappropriate that you asking me for advice, me thinks u're barking up the wrong tree.

And isnt it nice to know that every dog gets its day, now go bark up someone else's tree."

Hope you feel better Peas.

acidicice said...

Oh Peas *hugs* I know. I really know. At the same time you're thinking...How could anyone possibly know?

Those questions are the second worst (The ones you shouldn't ask, but can't help asking). What is even worse than the questions is when they actually answer...oh how I know.

I also fall in love way too quickly, without thinking and end up bruised with my tail between my legs, there's nothing I can do to stop it.

With SB...I really hope it works out. I do.

If it doesn''s a very big net to catch you (pun intended)

*hugs again*

acidicice said...

Oh Peas *hugs* I know. I really know. At the same time you're thinking...How could anyone possibly know?

Those questions are the second worst (The ones you shouldn't ask, but can't help asking). What is even worse than the questions is when they actually answer...oh how I know.

I also fall in love way too quickly, without thinking and end up bruised with my tail between my legs, there's nothing I can do to stop it.

With SB...I really hope it works out. I do.

If it doesn''s a very big net to catch you (pun intended)

*hugs again*

duke said...

unrelated topic: found this story of a blogger who took her blog material and rearranged it into a bestselling book. Peas, you should consider it.,2106,3510658a4501,00.html

Please note: I'm not saying Peas is in any way like a hooker. I'm just saying that entertaining blogs can lead to other media stuff and you should check it out.

serendipity said...

you know it's weird.

I just found out today that the guy i was engaged to is married with a baby on the way.

do you know what i felt? Nothing. I'm actually kind of happy for the guy. Feel slightly sorry for her tho, having to deal with his mother. Apparently he married his brother's wife's twin sister?! A little to close for my liking

But my point is, and there is one, it will get easier. if i'd find out 6 months ago, i would have been devestated. but i'm in a place in my life now where i can be happy for him because i've let go and moved on.

Hard as it may be, you need to let go. Concentrate on what you have with SB and make it work. You seem to be happy with him. Dwelling on that past won't make things easier.

Be strong girl, you know you can do it!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys for all your comments and stories. And duke for the link: imagine a book! Halarious. :)

Daedalus said...

Geeze Peas!

I do not want to sound like a father-figure here but, I think you should give yourself some time-off hun. Ex’es and rebounds? You are on an emotional roller coaster. Sounds like your heart is still with the Ex, tho the rest of you are somewhere else.

I cannot say that time will heal such wounds. I still get the *heebies* when I think of my matric girl sleeping with another and that includes many-a-year gone by. Sometimes there are wounds that you don’t want to heal… it is a common dichotomization.

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - you've hit the nail on the head. I am on an emotional rollercoaster.
Welcome to my world. It's not as fun as the brochure promises.

Daedalus said...

Are any of the +guys+ in question aware of your blog? I.e. do you think they read here, or is this your safe retreat from that world?

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - Ex S and Small Bum both know of my blog. Small Bum however doesn't read it. Ex S does on occasion. I've told him not to, as it may hurt him. I've also told them that this is my catharsis, so I write to vent. They've been warned. But because they are both the subject matter for my venting on most occasions, the stuff that is written here is also now new to them.