I did something stupid yesterday. Ex S is leaving to go to Europe for three months. We met yesterday to touch base and say goodbye.
I asked him almost straight away, knowing I was on shaky ground. Well, immediately after I offered to share my cheesy nachos with him.
“So, have you and The Boob slept together?”
“Do you love her?”
It felt like a bullet went through my chest. You know you should never ask, you don’t expect that blatant answer but you know it’s a possibility. So when you hear it for real, from their own mouths, it’s pretty fucking awful.
The meeting lasted no more than 45 seconds.
Reeling in shock, I told him this was a bad idea because I actually couldn’t handle this meeting. He stormed off.
I took the rest of the cheesy nachos home in a doggy bag.
I barely made it to my car, to sob and wail all the way home from Melrose Arch. I sobbed in the garage. I sobbed on the stairs leading to my flat. I sobbed in my flat, on the couch, on my bed, in the kitchen. For two hours, I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
The image of them fucking never left my head the whole night, and every time it popped up, whilst watching Nip/Tuck with C and Third Roommate, or when I took a bath, I had to stop myself from having a panic attack. My imagination tortured me last night, and it was a small miracle I didn't smoke with C and Third Roommate. If there was ever a time to start up again.
During my crying staccato, and conscious control to foil the urge to vomit, I realised three shocking truths had come to the fore over the month of April:
Ex S: No longer loves me. Realised on 25 April. He loves a ‘mate’ we both know.
Ex R: Never did love me. Realised 10 April. Really does just want to be friends.
Small Bum: Never will love me. Realised 20 April. I am really as random as his other girlfriends.
God it’s almost depressing.
I’m going down to the Vaal this afternoon to spend five boozy days with a whole lot of fun people. May I be sufficiently distracted. And may I anaethetise myself with gin and tonics, good company, lazy boat rides and sneaky headboard banging with Small Bum.