Wednesday, May 17, 2006

are we, aren't we?

I'm sad today.
Last night I had Small Bum round for my supreme Norwegian salmon, sauteed courgettes on a bed of garlic mash potato. The one dish that actually gets me excited about poring over a hot stove.

The meal was great, if I may say so myself.

Then we started talking. About stuff we only should've spoken about on July 4th. As planned. He doesn't understand why I get bleak that we just seem to trundle on, and I don't understand how he manages to trundle on in the natural progression of things. Bottom line: I love him, but he hasn't fallen for me it seems.

Your classic, if not cliche love tragedy. Girl just doesn't do it enough for boy.

Needless to say, dinner ended on a sour note. I'm not sure what happens now. But I am bleak. Perhaps I should just be happy that he makes me happy. I will not cry. I will hold it together. Because if this is the end, it's not because he doesn't love me anymore. You can't lose something you never had right?

I wonder if he'll ever phone me again? Or if this is the end or what?
Perhaps it's better not to know, and just guess if by three days I haven't heard anything.

PS: Why am I such a needy bitch? Like I need him to love me? Pants.

19 comments:

Jam said...

Peas - have you asked him outright if he loves you or not? Have you told him you love him?

Billy said...

He will phone, he does lve you as much, if not more than you want, he is not stupid, you are a cracker, men dont let crackers get away we just take a little longer to catch on. Im rarely wrong.....

Billy said...

Morning Jam.

Jam said...

Morning Billy!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I basically said that its carp that he hasn't fallen in love with me yet, and I have to constantly remind myself to keep things real so that I don't get hurt. So in a roundabout way, yes. He definitely knows, put it that way. :(

Billy - thanks sweet pea. Just what I needed to hear! But perhaps I'm not the cracker for him. Who knows.
I guess we'll see soon enough!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy & Jam - morning chaps. :)

Jam said...

Iagree with Billy - guys generally can take a lot longer to catch on to these things. A few days apart might make him wake up a little!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - time will tell I guess. I'm frightened that he actually might enjoy this time apart and never look back. But that's really the big test I guess.

fly said...

Peas....its totally normal for you to want someone to love you, especially if you feel strongly for them...thing is guys deal with their emotions in a different way...they are definately there, but just tucked away in the recesses of our mind...

Assumption is the mother of all f*@! ups...it really is and its cost me more than one relationship in the past...

What you need to ask yourself is...is it so important that you know anyways ??? how is it going to change the relationship you are in now ???

I guess its the same "should we or shouldnt we get married scenario"...my cousin has been with the same guy for 11 years...they have a child and a house together, 2 cats and 2 dogs yet marriage is not on the cards and they are very happy...

I know this doesnt help you but a lesson ive started to learn is that if you arent happy, then you arent happy...it has nothing to do with anybody else and you need to make the decisions for your own personal
reasons...that cant include anybody elses emotions...just your own because that is all you really have a handle on at the end of the day...

Its a tuffy...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Fly. I've tried to tell myself that it really shouldn't matter whether he does love me or not, or whether he tells me or not, I really have. But it still affects me. In my past few hook ups, I've always known where I stand with the guy, whether he loves me, or whether he wants to be with me. I suppose they've been more vocal in the past, they've said it like it is. Small Bum isn't vocal about this stuff at all. Sure, he shows me that he cares for me - this I know - because he has looked after me when I was sick, he is affectionate and he is generally great. But I don't know whether that is just him being him, or if I'm special in any way. I just feel random. I hate being this person though, having to get this out of him. I feel very demanding and it makes me feel worse.

Oh well. Life trundles on!

fly said...

float dont trundle...its way better ;o)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like me.

My girldfriend would love to know that i love her but im just not sure if i do. im comfy around her and with her but i dont want to assess where we going because i dont know if i love her even though she probly loves me.

guys generally suffer from this.

I think you spot on - he probably hasnt totally fallen for you yet. but that doesnt mean that he wont ever love you.

you dont actually need to really fall for someone to love them. the falling part is not real anyway. its temporary. real love can take hold without the falling part.

but eventually it does matter whether he loves u or not. i cant imagine why you say it doesnt. if u marry him and he doesnt love you then it will be incredibly difficult to get the marriage working.

so it is important but chill out and give him time. show him how much you care and prove to him that you are his - os it does sound like you are still a tad enamoured with some ex-boyfriends.

If my GF was still enamoured with the ex's then i would play my cards very close to my chest and refuse to really open up to her.

[blockquote]I've tried to tell myself that it really shouldn't matter whether he does love me or not, or whether he tells me or not, I really have.[blockquote]

How can it not matter? He may not be there yet - but is he capable of ever loving you? that is important. dont be foolish. long term that shite is vital.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - thanks for your honesty and for giving me stuff to think about. He has said that he may fall in love with me eventually, but this bothers me. Because this may mean six years. That sucks when I love him NOW. So I'm in the part where it eventually does matter if he loves me or not.
I'm not contacting him, and it looks like he's not going to contact me either, so all I can do is give him his space, fear the worst and hope for the best.

PS: Not enamoured with my Ex's. They still affect me to certain degrees, they still play a part in my life, but not enamoured, no. I fear I have been giving off the wrong impression! :)

GoDsGiMp said...

Seems all has been said. Pea's the boy will phone.

I think once again the moon has affected us all. I too am waiting for the phone.

Kel said...

Do you really want someone who cant decide if he wants you? Arent you better than that?
I know i sound all phsyco babble and all but all the cliche's about this stuff is true..you want him to sweep you off your freaking feet,you deserve to have him sweep you off your feet...hello?????
Good luck.And whatever you do ..dont phone him!!

Kel said...
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Kel said...
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Reluctant Nomad said...

Ah, someone else who loves courgettes! I love them enough to have posted my recipe of my veggie mush that has lots of them.

What is a South African doing calling herself of that venerable northern english dish, mushy peas? I can feel my gag reflex coming into play! :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Kel - well he has swept me off my feet, no doubt. And he claims he's very happy, cares for me a whole bunch...but I can't help thinking I've won a consolation prize. Awesome.

reluctant nomad - courgettes rock. It's all in the preparation I say :) As for my name, my father used to make me eat peas on toast when my mum was away because he was incapable of preparing anything else.
It's random. :)