Saturday, May 27, 2006

I am awesome

I think I may have just turned a corner last night. C came round for a comforting glass of red, and I told her my new revelation. It went something like this:

If Small Bum doesn't think I'm fabulous then there has got to be something wrong with him. Because I am fabulous. Sodding Small Bum has taught me a few things: it pays to be arrogant, and, never use self-tan. I'm over it. I will not cry one more tear over that frightful shit. Why? Someone else out there will think I'm amazing. I'm backing myself 100%. I have no time for people like Small Bum, who are immature and don't see a good thing if it slapped them in their face.
All he talked about was himself, so in retrospect, thank God I have my own space now to be fabulous and awesome without him cramping my style. Good riddence you little shit!

Tonight I will go clubbing. With my newly-found confidence and hopefully a new pair of shoes.

But first, I have to eat dinner with his hockey chick mates.
("If he's doing half as well as I am...I'm amazing."
One of these options could occur at dinner:

1) I will go to the restaurant where my mate K, and Small Bum’s hockey chicks will be dining. And immediately freak out and evacuate.
2) I will go to the restaurant where my mate K, and Small Bum’s hockey chicks will be dining. And immediately get pissed.
3) On getting pissed, and therefore following on from Option 2), I will back myself 100% and they will think my self-esteem has risen from the cesspit of underachievement to likeable arrogance.
4) On getting pissed, and therefore following on from Option 2), I will get cocky, and possibly slap W from across the table, knocking her prawn cocktail straight into her lap, and thereafter exiting extremely quickly in order to not get fucked up proper by her impeding hockey stick.
5) I will punch W, and she’ll whack me over the head with her hockey stick. Only she’ll miss my head and whack someone else instead, by which attracting a “Why does that girl bring her hockey stick to dinner?” from dazed and perplexed onlookers.
6) I will bring Third World Ant with me, with her boyfriend possibly in tow, and I will ooze the confidence of someone who realises that she doesn't need a man to make her happy.
7) I will look beautiful. So beautiful, everyone will immediately faint on impacting their eyes towards my face.
8) I will set the establishment alight with a stray match.
9) I will get a mysterious call from my childhood sweetheart, who happens to know my number, who happens to know where I live, and who happens to want to shag me up against a wall. Of which I’d happily oblige. And can dinner altogether.
10) I’ll delight everyone with my endless wit and charm, perhaps buy the whole table a shooter, then leave. And go find me some ass.
11) My car breaks down and I can’t go out.

I pick number 6.


Because somewhere, out there, there is someone who thinks I'm incredible. Perfect. Awesome. And until we meet, I'm perfectly happy spreading my wonderfulness around Johannesburg all by myself. And so, I wake with a new lease of life, and Small Bum fades into the hazy distance. Yeehah!

PS: It took him four months to find 'the perfect' dressing gown. He settled on velour after much technical and self-absorbed debate. It got longwinded. I rest my case.

PPS: Watch out Rivonia, here I come.

39 comments:

Phil said...

Hey Peas. I like the plan. Hope your car holds up!
Where in Rivonia? I have mates coming up from PE tonight for us to head off to Black Eyed Peas tomorrow night at Sin City and have been wondering where to take them for a pre-jol jol tonight..............

Phil said...

PS. As a hot blooded male I have no idea on earth what Velour is? I thought they covered car seats with the stuff. Have I got it all wrong again?
Help!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - it's so great to realise that I can, and will, emerge having an over-inflated ego. :)

I'll be at Manhattan tonight. I'll be the bird dancing on the bar counter.

I was going to the Black Eyed Peas concert, as Small Bum bought us tickets, but thank God, actually, I don't have to go anymore. I don't have to spend one more moment with a guy who doesn't know what's good for him.

See you out on the town! :)

Peas on Toast said...

PS: Velour isn't something Vin Diesel would wear. ;)

Phil said...

Here I am grinning thinking of small bum wearing a car seat as a dressing gown. Actually to be fair I have never owned one of those either.....another "closet" item as well perhaps?

Well perhaps I will join you on the bar counter....I will be the idiot drinking wubble wodka wed wool all night until I fall down.

Kevin Cadman said...

Hey Lil' Peas!

You are pretty cool (look, I can't vouch for your fabulousness until I've met you in person, so you'll have to settle for 'pretty cool'!).

Before you depart tonight, make a mental-note that you're leaving all your 'immediate' problems behind. I suggest a ban on the word 'Small Bum' for the evening.

It's cool to see you're getting past the "fucking asshole!" stage, passing through the "FUCK HIM I'm better than him!" stage and heading on to the "What the fuck was I thinking?" stage.

Don't expect a life-changing evening. Rather, expect an evening of laughter with friends - anything else is simply a bonus.

Thank the sweet christ on a plus sign, it's Friday!

I shall consume a tequila on your behalf this evening.

Cherrio ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Phil, what, pray, is wubble wodka wed wool ?

It sounds sinfully wonderful.

Peas on Toast said...

Kevin - wonderful. I cheers to tequila anyday!

:)

PS: I get horny on tequila. Luckily I can sort myself out all by myself. ;)

The Chiz said...

It took him HOW long to choose a dressing gown??? and a velour one?!?!?!?!??
Peas baby, this one has issues! Whether he is gay or not I don't care to speculate, but someone so obsessed wit the superficialities of life just aint worth the effort abby! How long do you think it would have been before he started trying to tell you what to wear and how?

On another note... Rivonia??? ew! how horrible! Can't you find somewhere nice to go?

Peas on Toast said...

The Chiz - absolutely. I cannot believe I didn't see this myself. I should've axed him months ago. :)

As for Rivonia, well, it's not favourite of places. I'm going for three, no four reasons:
1) I haven't been in ages.
2) My mates are going, so it's out of my hands.
3) It's one place I get to dress all skimpy-like and shake my ass on bar counters without a second thought of how ridiculous (and fabulous) I look.
4) It's an easy place to find ass.

;)

Schae said...

that person who thinks you're perfect is YOU!!
That's the way it's supposed to be!

Peas on Toast said...

Schae - Absolutely. I will not go another day thinking I'm not fabulous. Ever again.

PS: I'm sure you're fabulous too. ;)

Kel said...

Eureka!! You had a *ding ding* moment!
Have fun tonight..ox

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kel. About high time too, eh? ;)

Tracy said...

Hi Peas! Im glad to see your moving on! Get that ass on the bar counter, shake 'wot yo momma gave ya'and wave godbyr to the days where you wait for pathetic men to verify the fact that you're hot and so worth it! Go big tonight!
Trace
xxxx

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Trace!

I'm so excited. It's been yonks since I did that. I'm back in the game, and God it feels good. :) x

goldfish said...

Congratu-f*cking-lations! Awesome to read that you're picking yourself up and realising you're SO above some velour-wearing dweezil who clearly doesn't realise your worth. I recommend the highest stilettoes you can find, as many shots of tequila as you can handle and, if you fall off the bar counter, make sure there are at least 3 hulking young men to catch you.

Peas on Toast said...

Godlfish, thanks mate. It's about facking time too!
He was cramping my style anyway. :)

And the stilletoes will be high, and I'll make sure there are loads of okes to catch when fall off the counter.

(If they don't catch me, I'll land on my face, but totally pick myself up again and carry on carrying on. ;)

fly said...

yay for you !!! ...but why oh why Rivonia girl ??? bleg....JHB bubbles, Rivonia does not...

What Kevin said is probably the best advice, go out, enjoy your friends, dont set goals and you wont be disapointed ;o)

Peas on Toast said...

Fly I know. Rivonia is never my first choice, believe me. I'd pick town over that any day.

But, it's better than sitting at home.

And advice definietly taken: nothing is going to stop me from having the best night ever.
(*sigh* everyone is going to think I'm so fabulous and arrogant...yay for that!)

Miss Economist said...

Peas - bravo! What a beaut! Big on the 'hulking men' as goldfish put it! Yeah Rivonia sucks and is far too surface-
bling-bling but maybe once you've wet your wings you'll be able to grace the presence of melville(old) and parkhurst!

You're great! I somewhat know what this all means to you and hope you blow them away!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Rays!

I'm generally an old-Melville, Parkhurst and Norwood local. And they're great for more reasons than Rivonia.

But tonight I'm on a different wicket. I'm going to blow that place away. :)

PS: Hopefully for good. :)

fly said...

even if its not in a good way, itll still fun regardless... :oP

Daytripper said...

i can highly reccommend 88 in Norwood for this Saturday night... there is this great electro jazz outfit from Cape Town playing there called Goldfish... man they are amazing!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - I read about Goldfish on The Chiz's blog, and they do sound fab indeed.

May just be an option for Saturday night!

Peas on Toast said...

The Chiz/Daytripper...you're one in the same.

This is the first time I've realised this.
I am a dumb ass. Forgive me?
(Please? I'm fabulous. Promise.)

AnotherWhiteBoy said...

Hope that you have an amazing time and that you meet someone you deserves YOU! Looking forward to hearing the outcome. Enjoy

Anonymous said...

Goldfish are ridiculously good - awesome to listen to and even better to watch live.
Another option for Saturday is Jose Padila (Of Cafe Del Mar fame) who is playing at the palms - he should be awesome.

Peas - have a great one tonight, let it all loose and do the peas thing as only you can. Enjoy

Jam said...

Sod it! I am having the worst work week in creation. I wish my misery had something to do with a man.... LOL!

I will be having a drink with you in spirit Peas. While Rivonia isn't really my favourite place either, I do agree that it's a great place to pick something up. Question is, what kind of thing are you looking for? A creative? An accountant? A banker?

PS Does velor burn well?

fly said...

Goldfish....hmmmmm , been wanting to watch them for ages....now to way up, Red Room - Goldfish - Red Room - Goldfish.... :o? oh these chioces...

@Jam....yes velour does burn well... :oP

Jam said...

I vote for Goldfish! Red Room can be so dull sometimes...

Revolving Credit said...

All this talk about partying, drinking, dancing on bars, falling on your face makes me think about the song 'Tub Thumping'...by Chumbawumba...'I get knocked down but I get up again, we're never gonna keep me down'

Kinda sounds like Peas has reached that stage. Don't let what has past hold you back.

Get out, have some singles fun :)
Meet some peeps, drink some tequila & grab some ass. Freedom can is what you make of it....

GoDsGiMp said...

Well another day another hang-over..I feel like I took your advice two days ago Pea's.

Anyway just so you know.

"You are awesome!"

Now Im going back to nursing my swollen head.. bleh. And munch a nice big juicy oily prego steak roll and chips to settle my terrible stomach. O man. my head. grrrrrrrrr

Billy said...

Have a good weekend all!!!
Peas: GLad to hear you are on the up. Have a cracker of a Weekend!!
Im off to freeze me bits of in the mountains with the lady.

Later.

Marco Valente said...

Thats the spirit

karaoke queen said...

Good for you Peas!! I like the make everyone faint with your fabulousness option. I started reading your blog 2 weeks ago and really sympathize. Keep it up! Go find a tequila bar and a good guy to ...uh...drink it with. :)

Kel said...

Peas!! Im just reading the June Cosmo...and you need to lay your hands on it....
Too much to mention but all very relevant to your posts at the moment

John said...

I like your new attitude. Good to see that you have finally come around to the position that I argued from the moment the SB dumped you.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks chaps :)