Friday, May 26, 2006

rogerin'

But it was hardly sexual.

I went to the Jolly Roger last night in high spirits. We smashed pizza in our collective face, and I drank a fair amount of alcohol. Well, actually, I was hammered even before the Roger.

I met an oke who reads a book every three days, and also doesn't eat his pizza crusts.
I laughed. Alot.

I feel pretty shitty this morning. Emotional. But perhaps its the hangover. Or that he left a week ago.

PS: Small Bum wears self-tan. (No further illustration is needed.)
PPS: He dumped me remember. (A little embarrassing.)
PPPS: I may have to see his hockey chick friends again tomorrow night. And I have a game plan, if, and that's IF, I feel up to seeing them. I will back myself 100%. Flat out.
For example: "Shame, Peas, how are you doing?" (Cue pitiful, tilted-head gaze from person posing the question.)
Peas: Oh! (guilty look) I'm doing just great, of course. But shame...poor boy...how is he? (Cue really pitiful stare back.) I hope you're there for him, he's got some tough times ahead. Poor, poor guy...
PPPPS: I won't be able to pull that off, but imagine if I could?
PPPPPS: Please may this day go quickly. My head, she is pounding.

71 comments:

kyknoord said...

Self-tan? I'm sure I can hear a closet door creaking.

Peas on Toast said...

I knew you guys would love this dubious little [closet] secret.

This could open a whole lot of new possibilities.

Kevin Cadman said...

Peas!

You've got to be kidding me. Self-tan? Haha.

Remember the following words, they're bound to end up proverbial in the not-too-distant future:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, better break up with her if you're into the penis.

Hope you have a fantastic day!

Peas on Toast said...

Kevin - bless your little cotton draws. :)
In his defense, however, and sadly so, he isn't gay. At all. He's just your over-the-top metrosexual that uses self-tan.

I had problems with this though. For obvious reasons.

fly said...

self-tan....oh dear... :o?

you are definately better without him Pea's....

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - and it was only recently he started using it. Like a month ago.
It was a little disconcerting. But I still thought he was fantastic, great, wonderful.

Kel said...

Did i read right?
Self tan??
The "its not real but it looks real and cost more than 100 bucks" type or the "i bought it from pick n pay and im orange" type?

God..both options are rather off putting.
Please dont tell me he waxes his legs or *gasp* his bikini line ???
Peas,youre so much better off without him.

Jam said...

Self tan??????

On a guy?????

And how often does he reapply? Does he get orange streaks around his ankles?
Does he apply to his face too??

Peas on Toast said...

Kel - It's the Johnson & Johnson guy that gives you that "all year holiday feeling."

Swear to God.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - no he doesn't apply to his face, cos he reckons he already moisturises that area. So essentially, his body is turning ornage, but his face remains the same.
He isn't streaky, because this such product gives a gradual effect, so no streaks. He chose well.

Oh my Gad.

Phil said...

Oh my goodie goodness......self tan. He he. That is special. Or is is SPETHIAL..... I would rather look like a pommie!
Then again perhaps thats why I dont get hit on by men!!!

Methinks you are better off Peas....imagine the grooming bills when he hits forty!

Phil

Billy said...

Self tan!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have to be kidding?

Im stumped....there's metrosexual then there's daft. Self tan!!!!!!
Im finished.

Peas on Toast said...

Phil & Billy:
I knew it wasn't just me. :)

Funny thing is, I teased him for being the most outrageous metrosexual I've ever met and he got quite annoyed. Of all the nerve.

"Don't put me in that box, I am not a metrosexual!"

Stumped, stumped. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Too good to pass up.

You say you know he's not gay..maybe he is but just doesn't know it yet. Difference 'tween being poof, knowing you're a poof and admittng openly that you're a poof.

Would explain whay he can't commit / love / stay with any women past a few months. He's not found what he's looking for 'cause he's looking in the wrong fucking locker room...self-tan my ass, it's just lube with a tint. If an oke was going to use something like this it would be made by Castrol or KWV.
Johnson & Johnson is just another way of saying 'his penis' & 'his penis'...as in 'Peas injured his Johnson'...it's all about one penis with another...that shit is so fag it's not funny.

What's he using on his face?? Oil of OKE-LAY

Let me guess...the sex was too much 'cause you didn't spend enough time just holding him??
I thought you didn't do the girl on girl thing..well guess what, you were close.

PS. the guy who reads a book every 3 days - Isn't he getting like kak bored of reading that book????

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - lol. :)
Except he isn't gay. Admittedly the syptoms and tendecies are all there. I wish he was gay though. Then at least it wasn't me, in particular, that chased him away. :(

PS: The guy I met who reads alot - he reads one book every three days.

Revolving Credit said...

How do you know, he may just not know it yet? Maybe he just needs to try some dick( to be blunt)...maybe he'll end up being a real Johnson & Johnson fan.

What the f**k is a metrosexual....someone who thinks the Metro Police look mighty cute in those uniforms??

Suavé said...

Okay you guys are gona have to fill me in here. This(for obvious reasons) is not a subject I'm very clued up on. Okay the self-tan part is pretty explanatory but, why is it so bad?

Again, excuse my ignorance but your help please...

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - ha ha. Time will tell, huh? ;)

Suave - It's just something chicks do. Like, I only know women that apply self-tan. Besides SB.
But maybe I've got it all wrong sand guys usually do this. I certainly hope not!

Anonymous said...

Peas-

I hadn't read your post lately. Almost too much for a red-blooded American male, but I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Still guys could learn something from hearing about it from the woman's side.

It could be worse. From my perspective, there aren't a lot of choices down here.

- Antarctica Boy

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Antarctica Boy.

I'm pretty certain that the males that do read my site have learnt at least something. (Women are as complicated as you thought, yes!)

Good luck with babe hunting in the deep, cold south. Hey, you never know. :)

Suavé said...

OH! Well then in that case I can see why people think he might be gay. Umm Peas dont think Im taking his side or anything here but in his defence there are a lot of things that guys do that are usually meant for chicks, like manicures and going to spa's and shit like that. Doesnt neccessarily make em gay. Although on the other hand, the self-tan thing I cant defend!

***cough** **cough**Fag**cough**

LOL ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Suave I do agree with you. Guys DO do these things these days, which I why I defend him on being gay.

It's just...I could always smell after he had applied it. That distinct self-tanny smell that I just couldn't take seriously.

tash said...

Hey Peas, sorry about the break-up doll, hang in there, sounds like SB bats for both teams.

Peas on Toast said...

Ta Tash. :)

Kel said...

Ag no...pick n pay.
Shit...i dunno im not one for metrosexuals.I like a guy who forgets to moisturise...I couldnt handle a guy who has more skincare products than me.

Peas on Toast said...

Kel - I must be honest, I don't mind, or actually, I like a dude that moiturises his face. Nothing hectic, just a clean, simple wash and a slap on of cream afterwards. Especially in winter, where your skin feels like biltong in Joburg.

But that's where it ends. I want to be the one using the eye cream and the face masks and the night cream.

Revolving Credit said...

She said : "He has no hair on his hands. I always found this a little strange.."

Makes me wonder, was he really hairless or was he sneaking out for a quick wax while you weren't looking?

Peas on Toast said...

Oh crap. I hadn't even thought of that.

Revolving Credit said...

So did he wax his ass as well
SB = smooth bum

Wonder what other surreptitious beauty therapy was being indulged in?

Maybe he was retrosexual after all!!

Kevin Cadman said...

Man, this is hilarious.

Haha, Peas, you have like, 20 people on your side here. I don't even know you and I'm on your side!

Whether he's gay or not, he's a fucking idiot! Give me a nympho girlfriend a-n-y-d-a-y.

I think you need to update your blog more than once a day though - I'm really lacking in the 'entertaining reading' department.

Ergh, I'm in JHB for 2 weeks from next week... I'm fearing the cold (Durban weather all the way!).

Okay well, I suppose I should actually update my blog sometime.

Cheers Peas ;)

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - 10/10 for helping to cheer me up. SB the retrosexual. :)

kevin - one would think that having a nympho is all it's cracked up to be. But I guess not. :(

As for the JHB weather - be afriad, be fuckign afraid. I'm freezing my ovaries off here. Bring your Alpine gear, trust me.
It's so great to know that I have a support system here, I can't even tell you. It really, really helps.

duke said...

My girlfriend used self tan, but i laid down the law because it made her skin smell..... funny, like food, almost? The tiniest whiff of a packet of cheesenaks...probably use the same orange colourant!

Peas on Toast said...

duke - like Nik Naks huh? ;)

There's no mistaking the smell of self-tan. Ever.

Revolving Credit said...

Well is it then possibly an aphrodisiac....nik, nak, paddy wack, give a dog a bone!!

GoDsGiMp said...

Please please tell me his hands weren't that give away yellow colour!

fly said...

hmmm....a man that gives himself a 9/10, uses self-tan, has hairless hands... :o? freakish if you ask me...

GoDsGiMp said...

Metrosexual: "Im a guy.. but I exfoliate"

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - not really, but I didn't look close enough maybe. ;)

revolving - ...and there goes my libido...bye bye libido... :)

fly - yip. Now just to convince myself of that and stop pining already. *sigh*

Revolving Credit said...

Godsgimp - He is Retrosexual: "He shaves his ass" kinda like clearing the garden path before guests arrive...catch my meaning.

fly said...

I actually depise metrosexual's...a man must be a man imo... :oP thats dad's upbringing i'm afraid...thank god I just missed conscription...even so, he still wanted to send me...

GoDsGiMp said...

In times to come when Pea's smells self-tan... will she

a.) Burst out crying, loss of love you know..very sad
b.) Burst out laughing, crickey self-tan and a 9/10...
c.) Get horny...

I can see it now.. ;
Lucky Guy; "Let me get this straight you want me to rub self tan on my hands?"
Peas; "Better make it all over, and be a doll and rub some under my nose too wouldja"

GoDsGiMp said...

Lol @revolving..

Sweeping the welcome mat!

Clive Simpkins said...

Peas me'deah! You're showing a horrid little character flaw with this progressive 'leak' of SBs 'defects.' Jeez girl, kiss'n-tell is so over. All this wailing and gnashing of teeth bespeaks a lack of self-esteem, and at this rate you're sliding into a lack of self-respect. Stop it. It's ugly.

GoDsGiMp said...

:( spoil sport

Peas on Toast said...

Clive - sorry china. It is ugly. I don't like feeling like this either. In fact, it frustrates the hell out of me.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, about that libido thing - I'm not sure but I think Kevin Candyman was offering you some action!!

He'll be in Jozi in 2 weeks - about the same time as the Sepoenda schedule...
His afraid of getting cold - needs some warming...
His lacking in the entertainment department - so he's looking for some entertainment...
"Give me a nympho girlfriend a-n-y-d-a-y" - say no more..

;)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh and Clive, this is why I have a blog.

Phil said...

I'm with Keving big time. I thought nympho's only existed in dirly movies and books and my dirty mind. What a relief to find they exist in the real world too......now I guess all I need to do is find myself one....
Peas would a T-shirt saying "I dont use self-tan and am looking for a nympho to prove it to"??

Any better suggestions much appreciated

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kevin. :)
(If what Revolving was saying is true.)

Revolving Credit said...

Shit, who invited Homer Simpkins...hey Homer 'Eat my shorts!'

Peas on Toast said...

Any t-shirts like that would be much appreciated by myself, absolutely. :)

I have officially decided that I am going to find myself some ass this weekend.

Somehow.

Kevin Cadman said...

Haha, I didn't even think of that, revolvingcredit!

HOWEVER, when you put it like that... maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something? :/

Okay ya well no fine.

Peas on Toast said...

Bless [all of your] little cotton socks. xxxx

Revolving Credit said...

If you're really desperate I'm sure Ant can arrange something in Sepoenda....else head to Q Ba off Williams Nichol..was there last Fri and seems like the type of place to pickup some easy after work ass!

Peas on Toast said...

revolving I've been to Q Ba twice, previously with Small Bum, and didn't like that place at all. But then I wasn't looking. It's definitely the type of cattle barn I need to throw myself into.

Perhaps sooner than later. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Q Baaaaaa......you be Little Bo Peep & turn all the okes into your sheep.
I dare you to mention rather loudly, in the middle of some model come bitch come soon to be botox bunny's conversation, that you're a nympho who hasn't had any for awhile.
I would pay money to see that stampede....ha,ha,ha

GoDsGiMp said...

Just watch out you don't catch a wiff of self-tan floating aorund while your there.. you might not be able to control yourself

Peas on Toast said...

LOL! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

I am all for metrosexuals. Nothing is worse than having a surprise 'sleep over' during the week & the guy has no moisturiser for you before you head to the office.
Once in desperation I used the guy's after-shave lotion. Many a strange stare was received that day!
But, Peas, as you say....all in moderation. Personally, I cannot cope with guys' overhighlighted hair.

As for nymphos really existing...are you kidding. The majority of chick convos I have these days involve at least 1 girl saying that her current guy just cannot keep up her sexual demand.

Peas on Toast said...

champagne - yes, moisturiser is good. We like moisturiser.

And tis true: the girls in my freindship circle can never get enough. (It's just I ain't getting any...for the moment.)

GoDsGiMp said...

I figured it out..

I know why you miss him so much.. He's gone and he has taken with him his toiletry bag. Now you have to buy your own face cream, hand cream, wax strips, self-tan (hope not, ala naturale), tweezers, emery boards and dare I say it ... KY jelly.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp, you're a genius.

Finally, it dawns on me why!

:)

Brandon said...

I don't know what's funnier - that SB uses self-tan, or that Clive "Communications Strategist" Simpkins reads your blog!

You've hit the big time girl - and good on you Clive!

Some good advice too.

Revolving Credit said...

Hey Candyman, quick, get your ass to Jozi as it sounds like Peas has got a whole herd of Nympho's - pick Phil on the way as well.

Peas, we're sending Candyman and Flipper as emissaries to investigate this phenomenon...One of my learned colleagues hypothosises that the spread of this syndrome is directly linked to increase in the self-tan application addiction and the resultant hormonal imbalance and the subsequent increase incidence of transgender transgression!

Billy said...

Clive need a beating?

Brandon said...

Nah, Clive's a good guy.

People pay a fortune for his PR advice - and Peas just got some gratis.

GoDsGiMp said...

So umm.. does this.. errr.. this.. self tan stuff.. does it work.. I mean.. Im feeling a little pasty

Revolving Credit said...

In light of the perputrator who has been the BUTT of the current hokes on this blog, I thought it appropriate to copy in this email warning I just received:

"Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap. "

Clive Simpkins said...

OK, lissen up y'all. I quote this girl's blog and recommend the damn thing ;-) when I talk about new 'uncontrolled' media and its global impact. Now (in reputation management terms)she's literally gone all mushy on me - just because of SB. Sigh. Someone send her some cyber-Prozac. Quickly. I'll leave placement entirely to Peas' novel predilections! ;-O

Peas on Toast said...

Clive, Billy, revolving, Brandon, all of you.
You'e the greatest. Thanks for making me laugh the entire day. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Morning Peas!

Clive aka Homer - Truce