Thursday, June 01, 2006

it's called a break-up

...cos it's broken. I bought the evasive book. And read it. The basic points to remember when going through heart-wrenching betrayal are these:
1) Put down the phone. Do not call him. Ever.
(Check. Have not even farted in his direction, nevermind called, smsed, emailed. I have no urge at all. Even when I'm drunk and emotional.)

2) Don't try to accidentally bump into him. Ever.
(Check. Avoiding Small Bum like the plague. Have turned down two invitations to the Colony Arms recently because, well, the place is disgusting, and he might be there. Plus, if he is shagging something new, I wouldn't want to intimidate her with my fabulousness, on the offchance I see them together.)

3) Don't whine about him all the time to your friends. Get a shrink.
(Don't need a shrink. Or need to whine about him, as such. Except when I'm drunk and/or raving on about how amazing I am and how amazing he is not.)

4) Don't boil his bunny. Or be any kind of psycho, for that matter.
(Check. Haven't burnt any of his belongings he left at my house, or haven't called him up and told him I will kill him, or left him psycho messages. I'll leave that to the person who does it best. Sharon Stone.)

5) Look fabulous for someone new, not him.
(Check. This is easy. I looked fabulous for Guy I Have My Eye On the other day, where my averaged-sized noombies looked like they were going to burst out of my new shirt. In a classy way. I swear.)

6) Love yourself before you move on to somebody else.
(Um, check! Hello?)

7) Avoid self-destructive behaviour during this traumatic time.
(Oh come on, every one needs a vice.)

8) Don't see him ever. Avoid any contact for 80 days.
(Check. And going strong. Although it's hard not to smell his self-tan from Illovo when he's just up the road in Killarney.)

Problem: He's got my bloody Andy Warhol prints we ordered off the Internet. I'll be damned if he thinks he's keeping my 55 inch-tall Marilyn Monroe. I may have to send my agent to collect them.


kyknoord said...

Or you could just wait out the 80 days before collecting them. BTW where does 80 days come from? Seems a bit arbitrary to me. Why not 79 days, or 81 for that matter?

Peas on Toast said...

I'm not sure, to be perfectly honest kyknoord.
I think infinity number of days would be fine by me as well.

Just want my frigging posters. Nuts.

Jam said...

80 days is roughly three months.

And well done so far on coping with this breakup so well Peas, and for remembering how fabulous you are.

I agree on the issue of self destructive behaviour - everyone does need a vice. Especially when dealing with mountains of emotional trauma. I guess the trick is to not allow it to overwhelm you so that you end up fat and drunk on the side of the road...

Peas on Toast said...

Why thank you Jam. I have tried to remain as dignified as possible under the circumstances.

Lol - fat and ugly and drunk on the side of the road. There surely cannot be a worse fate! Now is not the time to let myself go. Although what's life without vices? Yay for vices I say! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Um..send a friend or ask one of he's friends. or just send an email asking him to kindly deliver them to you abode. (this is business)

Personally think these rules sound a bit shit - Am I meant to think happy thoughts, feel just joy-joy and stay home in case I encounter the other party.
Are you meant to be a normal emotional hman being or a fucking Tellytubby???

Peas on Toast said...

Oh God. Please - anything but a Tellytubby!

No seriously, revolving, I'm actually fine. I've managed to bounce back for the most-part, and contacting him or seeing him would only fuck with that. Chances are, I will bump into him pursely because we run around in the same circles and go to alot of the same places. But truth is, I'm fine with that, as long as he leaves me alone. I'm cool. Promise. ;)

But I think I'm going to get a mate to pick up those posters. If I'm going to be bringing new men home to my humble abode in the near future, I need to pretty the place up. And those posters rock.

Revolving Credit said...

PS: Apologies if my comments seem a bit nebulous or if my spelling a bit off.Am @home in bed with the flu.

Peas on Toast said...

Shame you poor guy!
Corenza C. According to Ant, there is no better cure. So dowse yourself up.
And get someone to deliver you some chicken soup. ;)

PS: Sometimes I think I dish out advice like Martha Stewart. Which isn't necessarily a good thing.

Revolving Credit said...

For now it Cold Caps & Chicken Curry...we'll see how that works;)

Jam said...

Funny thing is, although JHB seems small it's bigger than you'd expect. I still have not accidentally bumped into my ex in 5 months. Now that's fate. So perhaps you'll be seriously lucky and won't bump into Small Suntanned Prick.

Peas on Toast said...

Small Suntanned Prick - ha ha!
Well perhaps his, erm, glowstick, will give me the heads up I need to steer way clear if I accidentally bump into him at a dark and dingey club...:)

Revolving Credit said...

Did he usually walk around with his glowstick dangling out in public??

Peas on Toast said...

No. Me thinks he was embarrassed. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Why, wasn't it shedding much light on the situation??

capdog said...

Doesn't blogging about him count as whining to your friends?

Billy said...

Heelo there Peas,
Sounds like some sound advice but i would blow off the no self destructive behaiour part. Thats what makes us forget which is a very, very important part!

Where did you get the Andy Warhol prints?

fly said...

Nope, I havent bumped into my ex in 3 or so months....tho she did come to a photo shoot that she knew I would be at since her brother was taking the photo's... ?!?! so that doesnt really count does it... ???

I was nice and polite...its the best way to get at her...she liked to fight... :o)

80 days is just about then you have either come to terms with it or have moved on...somehow I dont think you'll be bumping into him soon, did you ever bumped into him before you were introduced ???

Peas on Toast said...

capdog - as I said. I blog for a reason. Here it is.

Revolving - :)

Billy - Hey the self-destructive binge-drinking thing is working ok thus so far...sort of. ;)
We ordered a whole lot of prints from And the last I heard, they're all being sent to his house in bulk from California.
Don't know wether they've arrived yet.

Fly - bless, she totally wanted to see you! ;) I don't remember ever seeing Smalls before we hooked up because he was so random in my mind. However, he went to the same parties and things I went to, or so he says, before we hooked up. So I have to be careful.

Revolving Credit said...

Strange but the first encounter is the hardest. Once had not seen ex for 2 years (no sweat right) Saw her in supermarket. Don't quite know why but I headed down the next aisle and avoided her. Still don't know why. Fine now though. We have bumped into each other on a few occassions and now chat and catch up but the 1st was really weird. But it's something that needs to and will happen.

zuzula said...

you've got to get the Warhols back. Does he have a flatmate so you could pop round when he's out? Third World Ant, could you be bribed to do the honours?!

(i have to return the manbag that my stalker left in my flat last week. I am dispatching my sexiest male friend to return it to stalker's office on my behalf in return for much wine and guest lists tickets to a comedy show - worth every penny, i think!)

fly said...

Well personally I dont think that now is a good time to get anything back...give it time...he is not going to eat them im sure.... :o)

Seeing him again will just bring on emotions that right now you dont need to deal with imo....

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - I can picture my first encounter. I'm at Pick 'n Pay. Cruising the aisles willy-nilly. I see him somewhere between the cook-in sauces and packet soups. I drop my basket. And run. Right out the door.

zuzula - I know! I bloody well want them back. I'm going to have to bribe Ant with shoes and/or Belgian chocolate.
PS: Glad you're not going near your talker, btw. Have you considered that restraining order we spoke about?

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - I agree. There is no way I can get them myself. I don't want to see him at all. But what if he does eat them? He's done stranger things. Or worse...hangs them up on HIS bloody wall? Or even them to his ex-girlfriend?

Oh christ.

Revolving Credit said...

Worst case is you have to re-order the prints. You can always hold his handcream, self-tan, penispump, vanity bag or whatever the hell it is he's left at your flat hostage.

Peas on Toast said...

Well I do have his bike...and one of his CDs....

But! He also has one of my favourite all-time books and one of my CDs!


Revolving Credit said...

If you auction his bike, will it pay for new prints..can you spell's time for their crazy Wednesday auctions in any case.

Peas on Toast said...

The way I see it, if he hasn't collected the damn bike by three months, I'm going to Cash Converters.

Then I'll reorder. But still, this whole line of "he's got my shit, I've got his shit" really irritates me.

GoDsGiMp said...

Give him the bike back with no seat and tell him it should be more comfortabel for him that way.. fucking "pillow biter"

GoDsGiMp said...

ps- morning all!

Peas on Toast said...

LOL. "I can't seem to find the seat. Sorry bout that."


One of mates, during my breif but potent angry phase, suggested I dismantle the entire bike and make him a little 'treasure hunt' to find all the pieces. For example, he finds the main frame with a note on it giving him a clue as to where the handlebars are. Not in close places mind you. (Handlebars are in...Lonehill), or "Seat is at the Keg in Boksburg."

I laughed about this for a while. Mainly cos I could imagine him taking a day off work to do it. :)

GoDsGiMp said...

And the last part is most difficult to find, in fact almsot impossible. Note reads; "I hid the seat where your heart is!"

Revolving Credit said...

How'd you plan to hide the seat up his ass without him noticing?

Peas on Toast said...

Oh but you boys are too funny. :)

"The chain is wrapped around the third pole from the Tiger Wheel & Tyre on Jan Potgieter Street, Kempton Park, and the gears, well, now, the gears. They're in Bloemfontein."

GoDsGiMp said...

@revolving: lol you and I are rushing for the punch line.

Don't you like my new favourite name for err.. homosexual's (no offense to em)

"pillow biters"

It's so graphic.

Revolving Credit said..., how 'bout 'knob nibblers' now that's graphic..but I think we digress

zuzula said...

Peas, could you just ring the company you bought them from and say they were never delivered? then get a new batch redirected to your place.

PS haven't heard from the stalker since I tactfully told him things were a bit 'too intense' for my liking - but the restraining order is in the post! Still, it's only been24 hours... I'll probably find him on my doorstep tonight.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, does this qualify as an RDP scheme...yu know Redistribution of Parts...ya might even get a government grant to do it..LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Z - I've thought of that, phoning San Francisco, but they were all ordered in bulk, along with his and his brother's prints, and I have no idea what my order numbers are in comparison to his.
What a mess. And keep an eye open when you're sleeping at night. Stalkers tend to have a blatant disregard for walls and windows.

zuzula said...

OMG... what if he moves in upstairs?! ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Zuzula - maybe you should try reverse stalking. Since its a power/control/intimidation thing he'll probably not know how to handle it and freak out.If you can't manage it, find a friend who will. i am sure we all have some strange twisted friend who may get a kick out of it.

If all else fails, invite him 'round, be super nice - then boil his rabbit.(Seeing as you're not dating the breakup rules don't count)

GoDsGiMp said...

Zuzula.. stalkers. At the moment I have the fear. Yesterday Pea's found out my secret identity. Im waiting for the doorbell to ring. Damn Stalker

GoDsGiMp said...

@revolving.. "nob knibblers" you could be describing many females.. but then again "pillow biters" could also.

zuzula said...

you may be onto something there, Revolving Credit. That is a fantastic business plan. Rent-a-Stalker - for those times when you're just too busy/can't be bothered to do the stalking yourself... i wonder how well paid that would be?

GodsGimp - i think Peas is too nice to be a proper stalker. She'll just have works of art delivered to your door!

Peas on Toast said...

Z thanks for the vote of confidence sweetheart!

I think I may even be too nice to be a stalker. ;) Tempting though. Watch your back Godsgimp. :)

capdog said...

Sorry peas, just making a nuisance of myself as usual... :)

Peas on Toast said...

You're forgiven capdog. :)

Suavé said...

Shit, I've been missing out on my daily dose. But I gotta agree, you're handling this really well. Not like myself of course(rampaging across the street fucking anything with a pulse, works everytime **okay not everything but you know**. Not proud of myself)

Anyhoo that is some funny shit, what the book says that is. I wonder who actually writes this shit? Those rules are good I tell ya.

But tell me Peas my sweet, say you've done all the above and are sticking to your guns, when you do see him, won't you feel a little like you had a bit of unfinished business? Thats how I felt. Even after all the above **sigh**

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Suave.

Yip I probably will feel like there hasn't been closure. But hopefully by then, I'll be so over him, I won't really give a shit.
(And if I do give a shit, I'll just walk up to him and pour my vodka tonic all over his head.)

As for fucking anything with a pulse: luckily, deep down, as much as I want to do that - trust me - I just can't. It's just not me.
I'm a square. ;)

Suavé said...

I think thats the only thing that kills me about relationships that I didnt finish...unfinished business. But lets not forget that what goes around comes around. Who know's he just might turn around and come back asking to have somemore of that good Peas luvin'. Never rule that out, he is a male after least I'd like to think so.

Square Schmare! You seem like you just might have it in you. But dont let me encourage you to do these things. Its temporary relief. But oh so good

Revolving Credit said...

Peas - dear, alcohol is a precious commodity best consumed.If you need to bite back, a sharp tongued reference to self tan and shaved body parts will suffice.

Suave - what up! 'anything with a pulse' does include shaved boys ( see above & a little rodents) so caution is advised.

We know there's a softer more vulnerable side to Peas. She after all 'MUSHY Peas on Toast'.
But all that means is that she probably will think before she acts, thereby avoiding some potentially horrible mistakes which we've all made and live to regret.(When consuming alcohol, this statement is invalidated )

Peas on Toast said...

Suave - don't tempt me big guy! :)

Revolving - I am mushy, dear, believe you me. I'm a hopeless romantic with a very realistic view on relationships, if that makes sense. So I think before I shag, yes.

(But once I get going...there's no stopping me. Yikes.)

Suavé said...

Revolving - Cool mate wsup wit u? Wait lemme get this straight. Did you just say shaved boys? HAHAHA!!!! By their very nature, aren't boys already 'clean'shaven?
Sorry to dissapoint you mate but nah. The only balls I'm into(or rather use to insert into) are Hentai Balls. Ze dont call me Suave for nussin!

Revolving Credit said...

So what do you think before you shag?
-Has he got a condom?
-Am I wearing sexy underwear?
-Will he think my ass looks fat?
-How many times will I cum?
-Will his equipment still work after that much tequila?


Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - something like that mate.

Except I don't care if he thinks my ass looks fat. ;)

It's the leading up to the sex is when I think - like, "do I really want to sleep with this person?" If so, I jump right in.

Revolving Credit said...

How often do you get to that point and say 'Hell No!!

fida said...

hi peas

still following your blog religiously for weeks....and its become part of my daily log in and check your mail..brush your teeth kinda thingy...hehe* well done and congratulations....and thank your lucky stars didnt ever have to end up calling him your "dustbin"!! (husband)** haahah!!@#$$ that should make you wanna runnnn even further...hahahaha...

anyways...decided to post something after a while today...becos i went out shopping today and everytime i am in a queue...i keep looking at men's arms and the colour of their skin with suspicion!@@##$%%.....hahaahhaha!!!!!!

if its waxed and has a small *** prizes for guessing...!@#$$%

by the way....was it a burnt orange look or a fruity orange shade ???

take care

keep smiling

have fun


John said...

I think you will find it was actually Glenn Close who played the bunny boiler Alex Forrest.