Friday, June 02, 2006

life

So I was going to talk about the cool quiz evening thingie I went to last night with a bunch of cool people, but something's come up.
As usual.

I really thought Small Bum was reading my blog all this time. Hell, he even said he'd read it if we ever broke up. I thought, because he walked out on me, he'd understand in some way, why I am so hurt and angry. Well it appears that his friends found it, as people do all the time, it seems, and forwarded him my link.
I got an email from him this morning. The first contact I have had from him since that awful day.

It went something along the lines of he felt regret, he misses me and was hoping to drop off a three page letter that is sitting dormant in his desk drawer. But because of my rantings and ravings, all his 'heartache' is inedaquate and misguided.

What I don't understand is why he is only coming forward now - why only after finding my personal space where I choose to air my hurt and sadness? I thought I had been eradicated like an old Afghan in his memory. I thought he didn't give me a second thought, he had moved on weeks ago. Which is why I didn't want to contact him - why push him away even more, right?

But I remain strong in my adamance of my 'constructive' venting. I knew that people may find this. I knew that commenting on things he couldn't change would just be plain nasty. Which is why I cut him down to size in only the things he could change. God only knows how much I love(d) the guy. Despite all his foibles. So, for the sake of appearing fair, I will compile a list of MY foibles that I could change. Because I am about as far from perfect as anyone right now.
So here they are. Eat them up:

1) I may not buy dressing gowns. But I do, however, spend an exhorbitant amount of my disposable income on shoes. Some of the shoes I don't even wear more than once. I am a capitalist pig.

2) I have been partaking in the odd cigarette when out for a drink or chatting with friends. I am weak, and am not coping as well as I profess to be.

3) I don't always wash my make-up off before I go to bed.

4) I fall in love with men too easily. I give them my everything, and this is a naive trait which I am hoping to learn from.

5) I am self-righteous. And I have furry feet.

There you go.

71 comments:

Daytripper said...

hmm, Send a friend to get the Warhols. Don't reply to the email. If he's sincere, he'll try again. Otherwise, Fuck him!
Sell the bike only once you have the Warhols. Forget your book and CD, buy replacements!
The 80 day rule cuts both ways... if he ain't made a move, by then, he aint gonna!

Syllable said...

Sounds normal to me...

Anonymous said...

Peas I am in similar situation 2 u (ie. heart recently trampled by Spanish bull run) and all I can say is he is full of kuk.If he truly feels in his heart whatever is in that draw bound letter then nothing should stop him giving it 2u.I pose the following question - what is it with men? They give everything up so easily?Babe get a dildo they're big and always ready to get involved and if it makes u feel better some actually do glow in the dark minus the selftan! Muddle

Peas on Toast said...

Hey guys

Right now I feel like a real twot. I really, really didn't think he'd care one iota about how I feel. Maybe it's because his friends know?

I don't know. All I know is that there is a shitload going through my head right now. Working today may prove difficult!

Daytripper said...

Peas, don't feel stupid. If he really does care, this is a damn foolish way for him to show it. it is just another example of all the disconnection you were complaining about. its not caring, its shockingly bad. what this is doing is having the effect of making him feel better by making you feel worse. he's now jealous cos you are doing so well. Fuggetabout it!
!!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - the thing with this blog is that while I appear fine and dandy in the real world, this is my graffitti wall (as he put it) to vent what's really happening in my head. My thoughts, which I didn't think he'd care less about anyhow.

I don't know. In the meantime I have to appear assertive and on-the-ball for a huge meeting I have this morning. Crappola.

Suavé said...

See I told you didnt I? You just have this amazing aura thing going on and you are a magnet to people you are. Somehow I kinda knew this would happen. Question is, what are you gona do about it. Actually no, what does your heart say and what does your mind say? Spill it sister!

Furry feet - HAHAHAHA! That's sooo cute. Little Peas from the Shire (cmon, I had to)LOL!

fly said...

Ms this is all part of the routine...its only been like 2 weeks so these things are expected....wouldve he actually given you a letter at all ??? or was just bluffing to get back at you for what you have said... ???

Either way, I dont think you should punish yourself like this...

Something that nobody has mentioned at all during all of this, is how is SB coping ??? you know this goes 2 ways, maybe he didnt want to commit to you but that doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt losing you...beaking up is never easy on either side and to lash out, altho it may seem justified, its not always entirely fair...

Ive tried to remain subjective throughout this mainly because ive been in his position and its not the easiest to deal with....im not trying to make you feel bad Pea's but maybe its time to just let it be...hopefully in future you two can be friends again and that for me would be more important than burning the bridge now....

So I rate take a step back, spend sometime with friends and try not to dwell to much in the past...you are a glorius girl so be glorius... :oP


btw...do you really have furry feet...??? :o? :o)

Jam said...

Hoping to drop off a three page letter? I'm sorry - that is just not the same as ACTUALLY DOING IT.

I am sure that Small Bum is hurting somewhere, but he has to take responsibility for his decision. It is HIS decision that hurt you Peas, and you have all the right in the world to rant and rave as much as you need to in order to heal that hurt. The way I see it, he is just running away even more and guilt tripping you into silence.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas,

I've been reading your blog for about 2 weeks now, so please bear with me as I don't know all the facts, and that I might be horribly wrong about SB.

I would like to see and read that letter he informed you about, cos to my records men don't write letters... my boyfriend only puts his name at the bottom of my birthday card - not even a single word.

He is trying to make you feel bad because you are FABULOUS and you are proving to him that there is life after SB. (honestly I think he was reading your Blog all along)

Still, in the end it is your heart that needs to make the decision. (Even if it is very fragile at this stage)

Love your Blog!!

Cool Cucumber said...

Hey Peas, love your blog. I wouldnt worry about what he has to say about reading your blog. He knew it was your private space to vent. That is like breaking the lock on your private journal. Dont read it, if you dont want to get hurt. What does he expect anyway, you are hurting, your blog is supposed to be anonymous. Of course you are going to vent.

Billy said...

Morning world,
Peas: If i were small bum i would be glad you never vented in the real world or used his real name on his site. Granted; you have not held back in expressing yourself but you are hurt, its healthy to vent and God only knows what you may have done if you didnt have this space to let loose on. All said and done he's got off lightly....

And yes i am a straight male before anyone asks......

Peas on Toast said...

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all your comments. Tis true, I have realised that even though he broke up with me, it's not easy, as Fly said. So in a good way, at least now I know that he actually did feel something and he did miss me, although he broke my heart.

In the meantime, I'm battling to conceptualise this. Cos as Jam says, he didn't actually drop the letter off anyway. How do I really know he wrote me one anyway??

These two weeks have been hard. I'm plastered a smile on my face and got to grips with being alone and not minding it as much as I thought. However, two weeks isn't long enough to get over someone. So I still miss and love him dearly, despite how he made me feel.

Time will only tell.

But thanks for your thoughts guys. It helps, because as you can tell, I'm seriously unobjective about anything these days.

PS: I do have hairy feet. I waxed them remember? He used to call me Frodo. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Peas
Don't feel like a twot - shit happens. Do you really think it's true love on his side if he is put off that easily by a few sarky comments on self tan and hockey mates?Ok so maybe he's a little mad with you but HI THERE at the risk of sounding like one of them damn breakup its broken bastard authors: HE LEFT YOU AND NOW FEELS KUK ABOUT IT SO HE'S TURNING THE TABLES SO YOU CAN NOW BE MISS EVILPANTS? Don't fool yourself he cares how u feel and has since the day he walked out. Now he's being a male and letting his ego host this party. Call his bluff.
Muddle

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Muddle.

I feel I have learnt something, because I am telling myself its his ego. I can't imagine its intact at the moment.

So, the only way to be sure its his ego is to let this lie. I'm not doing anything more about it until nature takes its course. Whatever that may be. So I wait. And the longer I wait, the longer I realise its his ego.

zuzula said...

hang on.... so now he's making you feel guilty about writing a blog? I'm sorry my dear, but the man is a fuckwit. He has no right to editorial control over your own diary for god's sake, especially as he's the cause of this whole debacle in the first place. All you ever did was be honest about your feelings. And he couldn't deal with it. He wrote himself out of the story in the first place, remember? So he shouldn't be too surprised that the story continues without him.

Anonymous said...

I am 6'2", built like a brick shithouse and have an intimidating lack of hair - I'll fetch your gear from the twat if needed in exchange for your brightening my day

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Z. I must say I was surprised that he was surprised. He knew I wrote a blog, he knew what I wrote about in my blog (in the good old days when we shagged alot), and I really thought that he just knew.

Guess not. I think he still doesn't care enough. I'm finally learning not to be so naive! Because if he did, it wouldn't be just because of a bruised ego.

Peas on Toast said...

Anonymous - you're great! And you're hired. :)

GoDsGiMp said...

You have hairy feet!

Anyway I wonder if small bum was upset with me calling him a 'pillow biter?'

GoDsGiMp said...

Anonymous- You sound intimidating. Im looking for a personal bodyguard to protect me from a hairy footed stalker

GoDsGiMp said...

Hey Pea's you know one of the greatest hero's of our time also had furry feet...



Frodo Baggins

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - ...which is why he called me Frodo, big guy. :)

I think any comments by me or anyone else must've upset him. Hell, they would've upset me. Even though I'm fabulous. ;)

GoDsGiMp said...

Ps- good luck for your big meeting.

muddlepuddle said...

MMMMMMMM...... Peas I am pondering something here....Wouldn't it be brilliant if he read all the comments and realised the following:
1. She's quite popular...lot of comments here...
2. Howcome everyone is telling her she's right and I'm wrong?
3. Maybe I'm wrong to have done what I done (WOW!! I cannot speak english)
4. Oh crap shit fuck I'm a jerk (and it seems I have Turrets)
5. Somebody hit me with a smelly dead fish I have screwed around with a brilliant babes feelings bcoz I am an insecure out of touch with my emotions ass
6. I have a small bum??Mmmmmmm...
7. Nevermind your small bum APOLOGIZE you small minded egotistical unstable speaking without ever thinking am so brave behind my email haven't yet realised what I'm losing out on and am going to be one sorry ass mo fo when I do PRICK!

Love and strength to you Peas you are a far more powerful "superfox" than I. Even if inside is a mess you have still got it together.

Muddle
P.S. Getting drunk in the bath usually helps to clear ones head. I have found it quite revitalising over the last few agonising weeks :)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Muddle, thank you. :)

I do realise however, that my blog has probably and permanently, if there ever was a chance of coming back to me, he won't. Not now.

And drinking in the bath - I certainly have done that. Alot over the past two weeks as well. Vino and bubbles. Hmmmm :)

muddlepuddle said...

Well Peas you are possibly right.
Maybe he isn't coming back and that's smelly brown crap shit. And to be honest I do not know how one realistically comes to terms with that fact. I guess you just have to keep your head up.

I mean who knew he had the so called mysterious letter, and who knew he was going to establish contact from Planet Ego-tania?
Guess you'll just have to see what Mother Earth has in store for you my friend.

So I raise my glass (I know it's early but I too a in the midst of breakup misery and wallowing) and wish you luck!

Muddle

betty swollox said...

sounds like you birds have something against men. instead of taking them down, try motivate your energy on building new relationships instead of breaking current ones which are superficial. if that doesn't work for you, have you tried pulling your best mate???

Peas on Toast said...

Betty - no I haven't considered pulling my best mate, sorry.

Anonymous said...

Hi pea, why dont u go out on a using men campaign! Men are dogs and trust me there are no exceptions to the rule. Let me give u a heads up though. The reason why is cause women try and change a guy(big no no)and they are not shy to give admin which pushes the dude away 9/10 times. I speak from experience.. admin and issues have to go if you want the perfect guy!

betty swollox said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
betty swollox said...

well are you going to try? ever thought of it?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I agree that admin and issues have to go if you're trying to find the 'perfect' guy. Which is why I'm not looking right now, because clearly, I have a few issues. I'm trying to fall in love with myself first, so that at any cost, I don't really care what the guy thinks of me.

betty - what, pull my best mate? Which one? I have a couple of guy friends, and right now, I don't think they need to deal with my romance issues either.

muddlepuddle said...

Yo Betty Babe!!

I LOVE MEN!! As I am sure does Peas.

However - we do not like men who break our hearts. And it is only superficial months/years down the line when one is ready to tackle a new relationship that one realises that maybe the ex was not as real as we dreamed it to be!

So Peas - ignore all comments that you're a man hater (do not snog/fuck/blow your best mate as this will result in further confusion as chances are u are a babe and the one mate u choose has been in love with you for like 10 yrs and then u'll become to him what Samll Bum is to you). Back to ignoring man hating remarks - do this. Wallow if you have to. Cry. Scream. Take up Tae Kwon Do if you have to. Hate him. Love him.

It's all good when you're healing a wronged heart. Hell I think it's even acceptable at this point to throw darts at his picture!!
(Not sure tho what Betty might say about that?)

Anonymous said...

What exactly do guys mean when they say a girl is "alot of admin"?

Peas on Toast said...

muddle - I do love men. Way too much. Everything about them. I'm a man lover, and that's the first problem. ;)

Anon - basically we're too demanding. ;)

Shortypam said...

upon reading your blog i was very pleased that your from jozi... finally another person or smart person out there who vents and raves like i do, i have found a person out there who remotely resembles me!!!!!!!! im not a freak!! keep up the good work peas! hope to see your comments on my blog too.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks shortypam! Another person who is as man-crazy and as chaotic as I! Yay! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Why on earth would anyone be a man-hater? They are just too much damn fun, whether they realise it all the time or not.

And just because you are a bit pissed off with one guy cause of a situation between the two of you, people translate that into you despising an entire complex gender?

Meanwhile - the "admin" card. This, I have decided, is guys' ways of putting girls on the back foot.
Guy: You're confused.
Chick: Yes, but I am content in my confusion.
Guy: You have issues (that resemble mine in a big way but I prefer to project than deal with my own).
Chick: Do I? Shit. Well, yes, I do. Sorry. This must not be normal if you, who I respect, speak of it in such a negative way. I will now allow you, the one with your head & heart all together, to take the lead in this relationship...

EVERYBODY has admin & issues. That 'being human' thing. Often, I think, it is girls who just try to expose hers as early as possible, while guys hide his as long as possible, from himself & from her.

Suavé said...

So I guess there's no cutting this guy any slack? He fucked up and thats that. Dont for one second think I'm not on side Peas cause I am but jeez! Poor chap. Good thing nobody knows who he is cause he'd probably have eggs all over his car or sumfing....

Dang!

Dolce said...

Hey Peas, I'm coming out of a self-imposed shell (after a particularly nasty break up a million years ago) and wondering about the old "better to have loved and lost..." malarky. Have to believe it is otherwise it's all just bollox! Hard to be fabulous when your heart's fucked tho'.....

Peas on Toast said...

champagne - a wise woman you are indeed! I like that. And all of what you have said is completely true.

Peas on Toast said...

suave - I feel really bad actually. I feel like I've actually let the side down AND myself for ranting so much.

God. I need to buy a diary.

Dilly the Duke said...

look, your faults arent as hurtful being public as you calling him Small Penis.

Peas on Toast said...

dilly the duke - I know. Although, in my defence, I alluded to that. I never actually said it. But even so, it's not cool. I know that.

Anonymous said...

Not to be nasty sweet pea, but i hope u realise the implications of defamation of character. Small bum has the right to take you to court now that he has found out. My advice to you is to talk about another issue.. I dabble in law and u can get into trouble for this even though he has been a bad small bum

Peas on Toast said...

anon - actually he can't. I'm afraid. This is a diary, where freedom of speech is accepted and cannot be accounted for. That doesn't make it right, but I'm afraid, also nothing I have said here in the way of his self-tan wearing or dressing gown shopping is untrue. I've only been honest. However, I do feel I have been harsh. I guess that's what really hurt people do. Fire back.

Suavé said...

I just cant imagine what the poor guy must be going thru if he was reading this. Cause hey we cant completely rule out the fact that he has no heart. Man, if it was me, I'd be drinking myself into oblivion or at least finding myself another outlet to relase my contained rage/dissapointment. Cause lemme tell you. As much as guys like to act like they dont give a fuck we really do.

**okay fellas, dont kill me here but it has to be said**

We also feel like we need a bit of approval or what ever the hell it is. If a guy hear's that there is so much shit being talked about him he would probably crack. And I'd have to say too that he wont be coming back after all the male-bashing or at least it will take A WHILE(thats of course if that was ever to happen). Nobody likes to hear anything bad about themselves. Tsk tsk tsk...*shakes head*...poor fella

It had to be said.

Peas on Toast said...

Suave - it does have to be said. Because before today I thought the guy had no heart. Or I hadn't ever had access to it anyhow.

I guess now I know that men do feel stuff. Sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Admin anon is a term given for giving a guy a hard time:
Top ten admin cases:
1. You drink too much
2. You dont spend enough time with me
3. Why are your friends more important than me
4. What about me?
5. Nag nag nag
6. Having a bad day take it out on the guy
7. Reading into texts as if its the da vinci code and thinking the worst 9/10 times
8. Jealousy (guys are also admin about this as well so 50/50)
9. insecurities (im too fat, im ugly, i dont like myself). the guy likes you just the way you are otherwise he would not be with you
10. Sex (opening a can of worms here- but why if women experience 2thhirds better orgasm than men) is it used as a bargaining tool..

Anonymous said...

they have just changed the media laws, so look into it, im on your side here. Just cover yourself

Peas on Toast said...

cool thanks Anon. Either way, he doesn't have too much to rest on. So he wears self-tan and he buys dressing gowns. So what?

I buy expensive shoes I don't always wear and I hide my feet from strangers.

Anonymous said...

so u have funny feet ha ha

Peas on Toast said...

..and if I was a guy, I'd have a small penis and drive a large car to compensate for this.

Revolving Credit said...

Hey Peas, the little furry hobbit foot thing is kinda sexy in a fetishist shorta way, but yes it's all in the shoes ;)

@SB - Dude, if you're reading this blog, be a man about it. Stop hiding in a desk drawer, this is an open forum so speak up.
As for name calling, Peas may not have done it, but fuck, I sure as hell have - why you ask? Cuz she needed friends on her side and a good laugh to boot. If you've read the blog carefully you will see that I was her intention all along to stick to constructive venting.

Now if you're going to play that 50% wants you, 50% doesn't shit then fuckoff. Apparently the half that wrote the letter is not the same half that drives your car or licks stamps or sends email.

It's quite simple - either you want her or you don't. If you do, then pursue here wholeheartedly and swallow your pride cuz you the one that broke it off.
If you don't want her then sod off and stop reading the blog...if you want to comment, start you own blog.
You can't eat ya cake and have it!! so grow up!!

Umm....g'day Peas and other Peazoids out there. So did ya see some hotties @ the quiz thingy ?

Kel said...

Hey peas.
I mean what the fuck does this guy expect?
He is probably too pissed that you are taking steps in the right direction..ie: away from him.
If youre open and honest about every day occurences then did he think you were just going to not talk about it? ..

As far as this letter thing goes..he is fucking with your head..i seriously doubt there is even a letter..and if he doesnt want you so badly, then what the hell is he doing writing you letters and reading your blog?
And you know, all through this i thought you were being rather gracious about the whole saga...youve defended even!! and so what if you pointed out a few faults? No self respecting man wears self tan anyway for gods sakes.
You would think that someone who really cares about you, would get the main message out of all these posts..that being that you feel like youve lost someone you really loved.He's a dumbass for not seeing that.
God can you tell im hormonal??
Feel better soon kay.
ox

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Revolving - you seem to completely understand where I have come from this whole time, and why I felt as I did. Thanks for being a friend amongst all this craziness.

That goes for all of you, thanks for being a very supportive bunch of new friends. It's helped me to see them objectively, and also to realise how I have messed this up by being such a cow.

PS: Met some cool people at the quiz, most of them I knew though. Was a fun evening.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kel - I bought the Cosmo btw like you suggested. Everything very relevant - I am the classic Cosmo case. Oh my God. :)

You guys have helped me through this more than you'll ever know.

PS: He really did write me a letter. Not that I'll ever see it, but yes, he did.

Revolving Credit said...

When you say 'thanx for understanding...r u talking about the SB thing or the furry foot thing??LOL

Peas on Toast said...

both. :)

Trust me, you don't wanna be me right now. ;)

It hurts to wax them by the way. Ant did it for me once - actually to impress old Small Bum to tell you the truth - and it was more painful than root canal.

Revolving Credit said...

Top? Sides? Bottom? All?

GoDsGiMp said...

I seem to have stumbled into a man hating debate..

Im a guy, and i rock!

Lol, im learning how to love myself too.

And as for suing you for defemation, i dont see his name or Pea's anywhere here.. he could be imaginary. I studied law for long enough, i shoudl know. But i did fail it so...

:)

Revolving Credit said...

If Ant wanted to impress SB with waxing surely she should have waxed him
???????

GoDsGiMp said...

His feet.. or the whole thing?

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - I did my fair share of media law as well, since I studied journalism. And... what if I said Small Bum actually doesn't exist? He's a figment of my [fucked up] imagination?

Worth a shot?

revolving - the top. You see what happened was, when I was four years old, I got hold of my mother's razor. And shaved my own feet. Since then, I have fuzzy feet on the top. And SB doesn't need waxing. His feet have no hair on them whatsoever. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

@Godsgimp - so tell us more about how you learned to love your self??
How far into pubity did you start loving yourself?
I'm convinced a friend of mine once used a date rape drug on myself so just wondering.....

Peas on Toast said...

revolving and godsgimp - It's easy to love yourself. Just become as disillusioned as I, and I'm telling you, there's no going back.
gimp, you'll love loving yourself. It definitely makes the world seem rosier when all else is up to shit.

Revolving Credit said...

Well, you feet sound perfectly cute to me, however if it bothers you, why don'r you dye it as opposed to waxing, surely no-one will notice. Its also less painful...

GoDsGiMp said...

or you could dye it red.. that would be cool

Kel said...

lol@ the Cosmo.
It was a good read:)

Anonymous said...

Hellο, its plеasаnt article cοncerning
meԁia print, we all be aware оf medіa is a imρresѕive source of ԁаta.
Also visit my web site ... guysneedme.com