Tuesday, May 30, 2006

thinking before one speaks

One of my mates, Moogs, works at a male-dominated company. In insurance. To be precise. (Explanation of male dominance radically aborted.) In an open-plan office, probably with fluorescent lighting, a dead plant and a coffee machine that doesn’t work properly, especially in winter. I speculate purely for the sake of poetic license. All men, except for one. A painfully quiet Indian lass, who 90% of the day, tinkers away at her keyboard, which can only, I imagine, pique the interest of all the males dominating this testosterone-fueled environment.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to work with more men. But then I’m not the shy, retiring type at the best of times.

My mate walks into the office and exclaims loudly in the silent din, “What’s that smell?” (For indeed, he smelt something, strong and potent) to which this young, and shy little lady (who should’ve known better in retrospect), sat up, peered over her cubicle-divider and said, “Oh sorry, it’s my guava.”

Oh my shattered fat fuck.

She then bit into her guava, still completely unawares as to the sexual reference of her punani, and why her male audience found this so funny.

Guavery slip-up aside, there is actually a reason why I am using Moogs’ story in my blog post this morning. A few reasons really:

1) Because it’s a funny story.
2) So that He with the Tiny Ass doesn’t get a mention (Notice how this isn’t redundant. Cunning.)
3) Because it reminds me of how I have never said something like that, and in turn, makes my outstanding performance at The Dinner on Friday night that much more incredible.
4) Reference to the guava. Break-ups, hook-ups, fuck-ups, at least I have my guava.
5) Reference to male-dominated office. Something I do not have. Sodding women all over the place here, minus my [insert derogatory adjective here] male boss. Bringing me to my ultimate office fantasy: being banged on a warm Xerox machine after-hours, by a man dressed in a Cavalli suit and smelling deliciously of Hugo Boss Red.
6) And most emphatically: The lump in my breast. For I promised an update two weeks prior. It hasn’t disappeared, but has strangely morphed. It’s changed shape. Only over the last four days. Does cancer change shape? Like, does it move? I’m doubting it. But perhaps a mammogram is in order anyway, just to be sure.

35 comments:

Third World Ant said...

I like the cunning sidestepping of mention of the Large Asshole! And Moogs' office - it probably explains why he's so horny all the time!

Cheers to guavas, benign cysts, warm-Xerox banging (that's going to be a hard one to deliver in your current office environs, I'm afraid), the Bushwhacker (was it whizzing away last night, by the by? Or was there a swarm of bees in your room?)

GoDsGiMp said...

Well at least you have your guava..

GoDsGiMp said...

As for the changing shape of your lump.

Well yes cancer does change shape. It grows. Allthough it doesn't generally happen over a period of two days. But it may be accelarated by times of stress.

Thats just my knowledge, which you already know comes from having a father with skin cancer. But im not trying to worry you Pea's. The good thing is you know its there and are keeping tabs on it. I say if its on your mind then go get it checked out, your local oncologist (there's that word again). Because if you don't you will keep thinking about it.

Besides if you shop around you might be able to find at least a moderately atractive doc. And then you can have your breast felt up, without having to return the favour or having to make a cup of coffee the morning after.

Also what shape is it. Is it anything interesting. Purely for interest sake. Does it perhaps bear a remarkable resemblance to kate blanchetts probscis (spelling... nose).

GoDsGiMp said...

Ps- Did you ever get to read my short story. I thought you would enjoy the shorter one called bad luck. Anyway besides your blog, maybe you can post a little something something for us all to read; "the adventures of alice and the weedwacker part duex"

:)

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - nope, I didn't use the Whacker last night. I was having dreams about A Guy I've Had My Eye On however.... ;)

Godsgimp - Yip, I suppose a mommogram just means I'm being safe. So I'm going to organise. As for your story, I never got to read it! Could you email them to me? My email address is on the side of my blog. Would love to read it!

GoDsGiMp said...

Sure Peas. Its done. Now no selling my email address to those crappy marketing people who keep trying to sell me penis enlargers.. don't they get it im as happy as can be with the little genie.

sheldon said...

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH LOL!!!

...

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH ROFL!!!

...

No ways..."that's a reepa... how much they aaskin?"

I do feel so sorry for those "painfully quiet Indian lass" types! Somtimes. I mean they border on begging to be dragged through the gutter... type thing.

Anyway, glad to read such a light post from you again ;-)

...

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH ROFL!!!

GoDsGiMp said...

Somebody help that man. I think he's choking!

zuzula said...

brilliant. reminds me of the time we were talking about how we could make our office more environmentally friendly. And one chap, a 40something downtrodden husband type, suggested in all seriousness that we invest in a departmental bike (to cut down on travel). He just couldn't understand why I spent the rest of the day sniggering.

Think the sooner you get that lump tested, the better hon. V good that you're keeping an eye on it.

Now, Madame, I need to ask you a completely unrelated work query. Can you tell me what the general view is of SABC? is it considered independent? do you trust its news service? I need to know because of a rather boring piece about public service broadcasting I'm trying to get my head round!

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - awesome looking forward to reading it. :)

Sheldon - You ok big guy? ;)

Zu - :) Gneral view of SABC is mixed, to tell you the truth. However, if you're doing work for them , it wouldn't be considered the worst thing in the world. The news, in general, is more sensational than our other service, e TV, and perhaps because of this, slightly more baised in certain instances. However, as I am a journalist, I think I'm free to judge: the SABC has lacked anything of quality lately. Documentaries, news, programmes in general. But that's just coming from me. It is independent (I think?) however, is the most widely recognised, watched and listened broadcaster here, mainly because it features across all LSM groups as well.
I think I'm rambling on hopelessly.

Not sure if that will help?

zuzula said...

that's brilliant, thanks v much. basically I'm looking at whether public service channels around the world are considered impartial, or whether there's a perception that they're influenced by the government in terms of what they report (thrilling, eh?!). So here, for example, the BBC is on the whole considered fairly impartial, but in India, the state broadcaster is completely in the hands of the government and its journalists are actually not allowed to challenge any government decisions.

bored yet?! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Funny Z, I had to do a project much in line with what you're doing at varsity. So it definiety rings bells.

Look, SABC is fairly impartial. I'd say somewhere between India and the BBC, if you can equate it. We luckily, for a country that has been through oppression and an almost overthrow, I'd say we have one of the most impartial, unbiased press services in the world. (Of which SABC forms a large portion of.) Taken in context of course.

sheldon said...

...yeah I'm okay.... now.

The SABC and its news are about as independant as a crack addict!!! That 3 Talk Show held the very topic some time ago. Even the top brass made "we have to fulfill certain demogrpahic and policatal requirements" type statements. It's news! hello!

Third World Ant said...

Peas - this is my "i believe you" face ':> (raised eyebrow). Are you sure there weren't any bees in your dreams?

Zuzula - nope, I don't think the SABC is widely regarded as being impartial (I also have a friend who worked there for a while, and from the stories I hear, it's anything but). In fact, the other free news show, on the independently-owned tv channel, etv, advertises itself with billboards that promote the fact that they do not show propaganda, are unbiased, etc - alluding to the fact that the SABC is.

sheldon said...

jeez how's the spelling!

Peas on Toast said...

Sheldon in comparison to the rest of the world's press (I'm including the US here as well,) we're pretty impartial mate. Afterall, we are 'fullfilling certain demographic requirements' for a reason - everyone can get SABC channels afterall.

But that's just me, once again. I could be way out of line here Z.

Peas on Toast said...

OK, well maybe I've been smoking crack. But for a widely recognised service, in a GLOBAL comparison, SABC does alright.

zuzula said...

wow - this is really interesting, thanks guys. One thing I've learned from doing this damned feature is that only 17 percent of the world's population lives in a society with press freedom. I think that's terrifying - IMHO people have a basic right to know what's really going on, and people making the big decisions have an obligation to justify their actions.

Peas, sorry to hijack your blog! where were we...?

Peas on Toast said...

Never be afraid to hijack my blog Z - debate here is always welcome. x

Revolving Credit said...

Well yes, I could well imagine such a fruity comment being passed amongst my collegues and being suddenly seized upon and viciously exploited....the innocent mind is such a lovely thing, it bring so much lighthearted humour to the daily grind.

Based on some twisted literary works I have encountered, I have to wonder how this incident may be portrayed.
In the spirit of James and the Giant Peach, I could well imagine Raold Dahls rendition of events: Moogs & the Smelly Guava or The BFG..The Big Fragrant Guava.

Ha..

PS. Once you're done banging the janitor (the only guy in your office besides "insert derogatory adjective" boss)on the Xerox machine, you should post one of the photocopies of the encounter of the blog entitled "Peas hard @ work"

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - "Moogs & the Smelly Guava." He's going to love that! :)

And, sadly, not even our lovely janitor, Louisa, is of male-species. No.
The only Xerox loving I can hope for is if I drag the said machine down to Manhattans on Friday and plonk it in the middle of the dancefloor with myself on top of it, scantily dressed, may I add.

Perhaps in my next [high powered, high paying] job. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

How about the Xerox repair/'service' guy. Swop the 'Cavalli suit' for chinos & golf shirt and the 'Hugo Boss Red' for that subtle hint of toner and you're sorted. On the up side though is probably is a certified specialist at user the 'equipment'!!

He'll copy your ass from all angles :)

Revolving Credit said...

Why join a gym when you can get your ass well-toned of the copier!

Peas on Toast said...

Touchay, revolving!

I'm not completely adverse to chinos and golf shirts at the moment. If it packages a well-hung man, then whose complaining?

I'm off to kick the copier so that the [hopefully hunky??] repairguy can come in first thing tomorrow morning.

PS: My [derogatory adjective] boss is off to Cape Town on a business trip tomorrow too. Coincidence?

GoDsGiMp said...

Pea's what does touchay mean?

Revolving Credit said...

Now that I think about it, just break the copier completely.

Then they made send a salesman in Cavalli & Hugo Boss. he may well try to sell you a new copier. You'll be able to tell the boss that you had hin 'demostrate' all the available copier option to you.
Ya can try a couple of models and find the one that makes you ass look the best.

I laugh as I write this but think :
"Why'd you choose the the Xerox *** copier, Peas? " response : Well boss guy, cus it made my ass look really tight"

GoDsGiMp said...

:)

Anyway thanks for the feedback you sent... Im glad you liked them.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - touche/touchay. It just looks better when I spell it the bad way.
Kind of like - "I'm with you on that."

And loved your stories. :)

Revolving - "I love the contrast settings on the Xerox SP43. My curves are soft-focused, while the rigidity of my bottom is somewhat enhanced. Not to mention the 'shrink' easy-to-use button over here..."

Revolving Credit said...

Hon you're probably making some photocopier techie who's reading this blog, really hot!!
So outside of the weekends snog, you've reached another milestone ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh goodie - I can just see it: the Gestetner employee, whose office is positioned next to Joburg airport, is hired to refill the toner capsules in their commercial copier range, and finds himself with a woody everytime he looks at a paper feed.

Bless. :)

PS: Anything to help those less fortunate than I, I am only too pleased.

Revolving Credit said...

Ummm....how exactly is he refilling those cartridges??

I knew there was a reason we only used original manufacturer goods...now I know why LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Gad!

Genuine parts only, eh?

Ew, ew! Brings new meaning to "don't dip your pen into the company ink" doesn't it?

Revolving Credit said...

Is that : "Saving you time, saving you money, putting you first"
or
"Saving you time, saving you money putting it in you first"

Peas on Toast said...

ha ha. You should patent it. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

I figured out why more peeps are buying Canon copiers..the fucking name says it all!