Tuesday, May 23, 2006

the thing about W

I had a friend not so long ago, W. We were inseparable. A loud and rambunctious pair that painted Johannesburg red on a regular basis, spoke to people in Australian accents, sang awful karaoke together and took time off work to get our hair done by my gay and flamboyant hairdresser.
W then started going out with someone. Things chnaged, as they do, but she was still there to party with me and help me through my break up with Ex S.

Then, unwittingly, she introduced me to Small Bum. He is good friends with her boyfriend. For a while we all double dated and until recently, went away together. It seemed we had a good thing going. For a while anyway.
But we had a massive fallout. I credit this to general growing apart, having close but different relationships and a large portion was that, sadly, she got bored of me I think, and became unecessarily bitchy. She made me feel miserbale for the most part, so that was that.

I haven't heard from her since Small Bum axed me. This hurts as much as the axing itself. She was the one that pushed us together afterall, and gave me constant encouraging feedback during the early stages of our [farcical] budding love affair. I thought at least I'd have heard something from her, if there was ever a time to bridge the gap.

I went out on Friday to C's birthday party. W was there, hanging all over her boyfriend,along with a couple of Small Bum's mates. I walked straight into a snake pit not 48 hours after the break up.
It hurt like hell.
I got absolutely wasted, that lovely cynical wasted where if a man groped my ass, I'd turn around and promptly tell him to go fuck himself. Or if anyone told me to get back on the bandwagon and flirt with random men, I'd tell them that I'd rather suck shit through a straw.

"No man musht dare come near me I'll kill him proper. Men, they musht all die, bashtards!" Something like that.

But the most hurtful part of the evening was that W didn't even look at me. Expecting her to come up to me and say, "I'm sorry about what happened," is obviously asking too much. But even her boyfreind managed to hug me and tell me he's sorry about it all. And Small Bum's flatmate. I would've loved a hug from W. But not a squeak.
She's probably laughing about my pain, hedging her bets about our break up weeks ago.

I went to Moloko with my friends, drank tequila after tequila, and stopped to reassess my life when I started chomping an apple in the middle of the dance floor.

Well at least I held it together enough not to cry in front of his mates.

Saturday was spent in front of a roaring fire with good company an dlots of red wine. I feel apart again on Saturday night and Sunday. So I made like Monica and scrubbed my flat from top to bottom and washed all my clothes. At least now his smell is gone. Less the sporadic crying, I'm holding up.


GoDsGiMp said...

So glad you holding up a little better Peas and that you took my advice to heart, or liver whichever it might be..

GoDsGiMp said...

I GOT tagged by Peas.

I HAVE no idea what that means!

I OBVOIUSLY missed something somewhere along the line

I AM unbearably cold here in rainy wet cape town and the heater between my legs isn't helping as much as it should

I FEEL rather tired since it's cold and early and Im up working on my least favourite thing of all

I SEE only the screen in front of me, staring at it so long that starting to see faint flicker

I SMELL marker ink, I lost my pen and the only thing I have to write with is permanent marker, getting a litte high

I MAKE with my hands origami elephant, or more accurately small ball with two pointy bits

I THINK to hard for this early

I BELIEVE in life after SB

I WANT a solid gold toilet seat, a heated one.

I WRITE a short story for my writing group by wednesday and its just not funny. The jokes don't work, bleh

I HATE the way my eyes stick together in the morning, struggling to keep them open.

I HEAR the sounds of rain and cars driving through it outside.


Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Godsgimp. My liver is still suffering from the large hammering that took place this weekend.

Either way I'll drink through the pain. It really helps. :)

PS: Attractive as that may sound. Being a soak.

fly said...

It does get better Peas, you know it does....just dont spend too much time down....you dont want to be swallowed whole never to see the light of day again ;o)

Antoine said...

Getting pissed is always a good idea.

Getting groped is a great idea as well.... but hey - I am a guy and it is different for lasses :)

Peas on Toast said...

Fly and Antoine - I just hope the pain starts to subside, then I'll be able to function normally again. And enjoy a groping once in a while. ;)

goldfish said...

Hi Peas,

I've only been reading your blog for a short while now, but find myself identifying with what you write on an almost eerie level.
I can truly empathise with you.

I went through a heart-crunching break up about 3 years ago with an opera singer and nearly drowned myself in champagne in an attempt to get over him.

Apart from drinking myself under the nearest bar counter every night and surviving daylight hours on liters of Rescue Remedy, I found myself trawling the internet for something (anything!) that might help... I found this and, even though it may be a little harsh, it put things into perspective.

So here you go - from one (past) heartbreak to the next:

Rejection vs Disappointment

When people get shit-canned by someone they go through the stages of grief. How long we spend in each stage and how intense it is differs from person to person. Only after going through all five do we "get over" being dumped.

When you first get your heart physically ripped out of your chest, your mind and body react to protect you from the shock. It is similar to having a limb cut off. The event is so traumatic to your system that it can't register the pain to the full extent warranted, and so it doesn't register any pain at all. This results in a "Wow, if this were really happening to me, I would be sooo seriously fucked" kind of reasoning in the face of that exact situation. This is how people hold onto those crazy "flat-earth" ideas like "Brittany's tits are so too real!" It's pure denial. You will experience it.

After reality finally dawns and you realize that you are indeed seriously fucked, you will experience anger. Blind rage is more like it. You will become the biggest asshole in the world. You will snap at friends, family and people walking by you've never met. You will pull a full-on Incredible Hulk act that trashes your apartment and everything in it. Afterwards you might feel bad for being such an asshole which will only make you feel MORE anger. Eventually, when you are dragged away to jail, the anger will subside.

This is the point where you realize your own powerlessness, so in typical human fashion, you try to swing a deal. This usually involves praying to God for one more lay, or to have the person infected with leprosy. As your last gasp of resistance to the inevitable, bargaining never works.

This one sucks. This is when you finally bend over and take it up the ass (figuratively, of course). You will feel like shit. For a long time. You will cry more than you have ever cried. You will not want to get out of bed. You will not socialize, except to prove that you are over them, in which case, you will get way too drunk and puke yourself silly. Then you will feel like shit again. Until you don't anymore.

Assuming you have not done something stupid like offed yourself during Step 4, you will come to accept your hell. It may take awhile, and it will be no fun, but eventually, you will move on. Because life doesn't come to a screeching halt just because somebody stomped on your heart. It happens all the time, and everybody gets over it (except for overly-dramatic losers).

But while you are eating yourself inside-out, try to keep some perspective. It's easy to think that the person who dumped you was "perfect in every way," making you imperfect in every way because they didn't want to be with you. This, of course, is bullshit and wildly flawed logic.

If he or she were perfect for you, they wouldn't break up with you, would they? No, so stop worrying about losing someone who wasn't right for you anyway. That's like crying over missing a plane going somewhere you didn't want to go.

In the same way, the airline doesn't reject you as a passenger. They just aren't going where you're going. It's not personal at all.
If someone likes you enough to date you, you must be attractive and desirable, i.e. date-worthy, in the first place. So you really aren't being rejected.

Rejection results from a person liking another person more than they like you. You think they're a "better" person than you. In a relationship, that person has the upper hand. The power. Whoever cares less is in charge. That imbalance of power proves that what you have together is not love.

Love is when BOTH parties are convinced that the other person is better than they are. In effect, both are convinced that they are "dating up."
Disappointment is different than rejection. When someone dumps you, they are not rejecting you. They are rejecting the fit you have with them. This doesn't mean you should change in any way to "fit better". Acknowledge that you are not what the other person is looking for and find someone else. Someone who is looking for someone EXACTLY like you.

Once you've been dumped like a sack of dogshit, it's okay (and very normal) to feel disappointment. Disappointment is the feeling of losing someone's affections that doesn't lead to stalking. It's painful, sure, but shouldn't be too destructive to your self-esteem.

Disappointment is okay to feel for awhile, but don't waste too much time feeling bad about not being the perfect person for someone who didn't love you. Be who you are and be the perfect person for someone who appreciates you for who you are.

Hope that helps ease your hurt in some way. That said, I'm really sorry about your ex-friend's reaction (or lack of it) too. Sometimes I think that's the worst kind of betrayal, rivaling the betrayal of any man.

Hang in there.

Jam said...

Peas - sorry to hear about the friend thing. It's incredible how childish some people can be...

And as for the tag:

I AM: Happier in the moment than in the future or past.

I WANT: The cold weather to leave and never to come back again.

I WISH: That heartbreak could be a disease that only afflicts evil people.

I HATE: Meat.

I FEEL: Cold. Cold. Cold.

I MISS: Sunshine, ice cream and green green grass.

I FEAR: Ever ending up in a comfort zone again.

I HEAR: The birds, talking in the trees, about getting the hell out of JHB for winter.

I WONDER: Why some people will never grow up.

I REGRET: Not being more honest with myself more often.

I AM NOT: As in control or as strong as people think I am.

I DANCE: Like a lizard when drunk (or so I have been told, something to do with the hips)

I CRY: When I am not as strong or in control as people think I am.

I'M NOT ALWAYS: Happy. *grin*

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Bad plinky plonky 4 year old noises on my new piano.

I WRITE: A good old fashioned analogue journal every day about the TRUE chaos in my life, and a watered down version online when the urge strikes.

I CONFUSE: Happiness with sadness, good with bad - it all seems part of the same thing in the end.

I NEED: To get away. Right now. From winter.

I SHOULD: Travel all the time to chase the summer, thereby avoiding the inevitable seasonal depression that overwhelms me.

I TAG: Daytripper. Fly.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Jam, awesome stuff.

And I agree about this cold weather. Dying. Can't handle it. Can't remember when JHB has ever been this cold.

Peas on Toast said...

Goldfish - thank you thank you! I can now see where things lie in respect to my shattered heart, thank you. I think I'm going through this backwards though: depresion first, and perhaps anger and bargaining next week. With a pinch of denial at the moment. If that makes sense.

It's going to be a long process.

Jam said...

I have resorted to sleeping with a heater on, two blankets over my winter duvet and then, of course, sexy winter bed gear...the kind where there is not one piece of skin exposed.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - don't worry honeybun, I'm feeling about as sexy as you are as well. My 101 Dalmation pyjamas are a hot favourite in winter.
Hot favourite with myself that is. ;)

Daytripper said...

Well, tagged I am and reply I do!
I AM: in the middle of massive changes.
I WANT: the wheel of my business life to turn, being on the bottom sucks.
I WISH: Things really were as simple as they seemed.
I HATE: Not knowing what it going on
I FEEL: Driven, determined, committed.
I MISS: long lazy summer evenings with nowhere to go, nothing to do and money to burn.
I FEAR: Never figuring out what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing with my life!.
I HEAR: Music mostly, even when the stereo is off!.
I WONDER: Why it is that so people seem capable of being truly self reflective..
I REGRET: Having no regrets has been my official policy for a very long time. However, these days I wonder if I shouldn’t have regretted that some time ago..
I AM NOT: Anywhere near as confident or self possessed as I appear.
I DANCE: to acid jazz, funk, very loud alternative music but only when I really feel the mood!
I CRY: when it all finally really really does get too much!.
I’M NOT ALWAYS: As happy as I appear!
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Reams and reams of words, endless trails of communication about many things, not all of them close to my heart. This sometimes makes happy, sometimes makes indifferent.
I WRITE: for a living one way or another. I write a novel, poems, lyrics for songs, press releases, whimsical articles for my blog. I write love letters to my beautiful girlfriend every morning I can..
I CONFUSE: Who I am with what I do occasionally. Not as much as before, but it has been a problem.
I NEED: To get out of Jozi for a bit, even just a couple of days.
I SHOULD: write more and worry les
I TAG: Hell, I don’t really know any of you! I tag the willing!

GoDsGiMp said...

Hey i finally figured outt eh tag thing... but to late now

Ps- 101 dalmations pyjamas, sexy!


Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - you better believe it. I've had my pyjamas since boarding school, and while even my mum tries to throw them out, I refuse. They're just too sentimental. There's something about being decked head to toe in red doggy flannel.

PS: I think I'm losing my mind. ;)

Daytripper said...

LOL @ Peas: you can't lose what you never had grrrl!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - true, true.

And now I can save my lacey nightwear for my first one night stand! Woohoo! :)

acidicice said...

Chin up...one day at a time. Tomorrow it will be a little bit better - know that everyday.

Revolving Credit said...

HiYa Peas

Good to hear ya managed to hold it together while getting hammered on Fri (pardon the pun!).

I too proceeded to consume a fair volume on intoxicating beverage and did TOAST you while imbibing my dose of tequila (damn, you made me drink a lot!)

Glad to hear that the friendship circle and accompanying vintage was there to soothe your Sat.

As for friend W, her loss. You have to ask if she is/was a friend indeed as friends are those peeps who are there for you during both the good and the bad.

Question: "So I made like Monica..." sounds a bit suspect doesn't it. Thought maybe you were getting back on the bandwagon.


Peas on Toast said...

ha ha revolving credit - thanks for your toasting, if you toasted for everytime I threw a drink down my throat on Friday, you would've possibly ended up in a coma.
For good on ya for not. ;)

As for making like Monica - nothing sexual I fear, I was like Monica in Friends, manically missioning around and cleaning everything. :)

Revolving Credit said...

"manically missioning ...."

There you go again! At least you're making me laugh which is a good thing.
Me thinks your sub-consious has already moved on.. just waiting for the physical to catch up :)

Peas on Toast said...

revolving, you may be right. I may even be starting to kind of smile again myself.
I'm definitely feeling more chipper today. Bring it!

Revolving Credit said...

" I'm definitely feeling more chipper today"

Lucky guy, that Chipper!!

Peas on Toast said...

ha ha :)

zuzula said...

i think W sounds boring and bitchy - the world is too small for people like her. you're doing well hon - keep your chin up x

zuzula said...

PS thanks for doing the tag! hope it was therepeutic if nothing else.

Peas on Toast said...

Z - thanks my dear.
It was extremely therapeutic. xx

AnotherWhiteBoy said...

Good to hear that you are feeling better – as for W – fuck her. Jozie seems to be full of pompous wankers. Take solace in the fact that you have an amazing support structure.

Anonymous said...

The best relationship advise you will ever find:


Suavé said...

"Pompous Wankers" HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Thats some funny shit, and true too. The fuckers...

Peas on Toast said...

anotherwhiteboy - I will do, thanks. The way I see it, Small Bum and W are making me feel miserable right now. So I will steer clear as far as possible from them at the moment.

Anon - thanks. I tried to get onto the the site, but it says it doesn't exist. Can you try again?

Suavebona - pompous wankers indeed. ;)

Daytripper said...

That Craig List link is very interesting... some of what he says makes me slightly uncomfortable, but one is hard pressed to fault his logic!
How would you deal with someone following that advice Peas?

Peas on Toast said...

OK got onto Craig's List.

Since 'Craig' is talking about women its' hard to be objective, as it seems we do everything wrong. I can agree with some things, but not others.

Where's a list for women like this. Anyone?

Jam said...

Eeeks! I think the person that wrote the Craig List has some issues of his own. While some of it may be true for a while, it does seem like a fairly single minded, shallow approach.

Madge said...

Hey peas,

I started reading your blog rcently because Marco (onethirdbasketi) showed me your blog. It is sad to haer of your break-up and i can timagine the pain you are feeling. The friend thing is sad too but hey that just means you can make more friends, although not right now. I just hope you know that you should take as long as you need and do whatever you need to help get over him. THings will get better, everybody says it but its alawys true. Hang in there =>

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Madge

Thank you my dear. It's going to take a while because I was crazy about him. So I'm doing the 'day by day' thing and hopefully, through the help of alcohol and good company, I'll beat this thing. ;)