Thursday, May 18, 2006

what I did after an emotional day

So I’m sitting at a fucking bar, in fucking Craighall Park, in a fucking dingy dark corner, with a gathering of fucking dirty old men, a fucking thousand people smoking cigarette in my fucking face and I’m fucking thinking, “Fuck everything. Give me a fucking gin and tonic.”

It’s yesterday fucking five o’ fucking clock and I’m on my , you guessed it – fucking – own.

Luckily my friends join me later. Much around the time Small Bum first smses me to ask how I am doing. (Just fucking peachy thanks.)

I suppose some form of communication is gratiyfing. From the are-we-aren’t-we boyfriend by the name of Small Bum.
He wants to meet up so we can 'chat some more about this,' and doesn’t want it to be over BUT.. he doesn’t know where we go from here.

doesn’t know where we go from here?
I’m assuming nowhere. He’s so over this.

It's lonely conceptualising being single again. I am trefuckingmendously sad without him. I miss him terribly.

I woke up at 5:00am this morning tossing and turning.
Tonight, after our chat, at least I know where we'll be for certain.
I am so sad, I just want to wallow in bed and cry my eyes out. But instead, I'll be missioning around fucking Wadeville to find Beetle spare brake parts.
Fuck's sake.

45 comments:

fly said...

jees girl :-o relax a bit...I know its not what you want to hear but thinking the worst does not help any situation...

He at least got hold of you...that is promising in more ways than one...if you want an answer I dont think you'll get it tonight but take solace that he at least wants to be with you and willing to try...I think these 2 actions alone speaks for themself...

As for being single, I think its gr8....but then ive had loads of practice... ;o)

Anonymous said...

Emotions from relationships can break anyone. i never thought i would be affected the way that I am.

Im glad that it DOES matter to u whether he loves you or not.

I said with me i dont yet know if i love my gf yet. its been 8 months. the emotional side of it has been so tuff. i dont want to mess this precious girl arnd. but i just would not be able to say yet whether i love her or not.

Anyways one u have spoken about it its a situation to deal with now. if he cant be more decent about it then perhaps it is time to move on. you dont need someone messing u around using up your time that could be spent with someone who will be more committed to you.

just let him know one more time how you feel and that he needs to decide now if he is really committed to you. if he cant say yes then its fo the best - dont waste your prime yrs on a boy who just wants to mess around.

its not going to be easy but thats the risk we always take when goign into relationships.

sorry about accusing u of being enamoured with your ex's. to be fair i havent read all your posts properly just skimmed over them and they seem to be mentioned alot. im never happy if a gf mentiones her ex's - but thats just me :)

Good luck with all the stuff u have going on. hope it turns out ok - and if he cant show that he really is committed to you then it really is for the best.

Anonymous said...

btw - i agree with fly...

Peas on Toast said...

fly - at least he got hold of me. Sure.
Ant told me to also think positive, so I'll certainly try. I really hope its not the end.
As for being single, I'm sure I'll manage. If it comes down to that.
Watch out Joburg, because I'll be out every single night.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - thanks man. No seriously, your comment yesterday really got me thinking, thank you. And I appreciate you telling me how it is. He knows now, so I presume, whatever he has to say tonight will show whether he is willing to carry on or not. And whether I can accept his terms.

It's hard to be objective. Sometimes I think I'm being totally unreasonable, and other times I think that I have certain expectations that I need to fulfill.

But a serious question for you - after 8 months you know your girlfriend fairly well, if not very well right? She loves you and says so right? How is it that you can detach yourself and just know that you're not in love with her? (This is a purely gentricised question, in a bid to try and understand men). Are you going to wake up one day and just love her? What's your whole take on love itself?

Sorry, 20 questions. Take your time. :)

Daytripper said...

Hey Peas. I met an amazing woman about 3 months ago, who I had to pursue hard cos she was out of a recent break up. I have been telling her for a month that i loved her, and she has taken a while, but she has come round! lol! I mean, she now says the same back! So firstly, lets not generalise about men being emotionally detached.

But secondly, there was a stage where I thought it was never going to work out, but a cathartic episode changed all that, and changed her ideas about me and what we were doing. You could be on the brink of just such a thing. If you insist on projecting a negative vision of what you think is going to occour with SB, there's an awful good chance its going to happen.
I now have a girlfriend who I love, and she loves me. But it would never have happened without some belief, persistence and straight up honesty about what I wanted and would settle for, and the same from her.

And as annon comments, you talk WAY too much about your ex for comfort... Maybe SB is hedging his bets cos he feels that you aint done with the ex yet...

Just some random thoughts....

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - ok first let's get this ex talk out the way. This is my blog, I talk about stuff here that I don't talk about normally is everyday life. So what you read about my ex's here is what is in my mind alone, so Small Bum never really hears about this alot. But either way, perhaps I do talk about them here too much.

But I'm glad you've proven to be an excellent example Daytripper of this happening to men as well, and thank you.
I think I need to get my head around this negativity. I do feel as though this was doomed from the start in the way of him never loving me. So perhaps I need to get over myself and just be positive. It never hurt right?

Suavé said...

Ag shame sweety-pie. That's just aweful. But seriously I dont think you should sweat it too much. I know it sounds cliche but everything really does happen for a reason. Even though it does not seem like it at the time, things always have a way of working themselves out. Promise!

Look I've been exactly where you are before and it was not cool. When you feel like you trying to grab onto something thats slipping through your fingers. Like having sand flowing thru the palm of your hand. You could fight for it OR you could let the situation run it's course. But essentially never lose sight of yourself. Stay true to yourself cause what one person does not see in you, another will think is like choclate rain. So hold your head up soldier, twill be alright. Beleive me, I know it tough but like some once said to me:

"If you love something, sometimes you must let it go. If it comes back to you then it's yours. If it doesnt then it never was."

Take how you do...

fly said...

See this is why i remain single or if I do have a girlriend it never gets this heavy.....it wieghs too much on the mind and you cant concentrate on what is actualy good in the relationship...

SB sounds like a great guy...dont take that for granted...you have only been with him for a short while, if he is anything like me I dont tend to give myself away that easily for reasons that are my own...maybe he has similar reasons...and maybe he needs to deal with these things in his own way...

He is interested, maybe he just needs time....3-4 months is not long enough for me to fall in love with anyone...and that includes the 2 and 3 year independent relationships ive had in the past...

Just some food for thought ;o)

fly said...
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fly said...

^^^ dammit...must check the copy before posting... :o)

---If you love something, sometimes you must let it go. If it comes back to you then it's yours. If it doesnt then it never was---

I have a better one... :o)

---If you love something, sometimes you must let it go. If it comes back to you then it's yours. If it doesnt then hunt it down and kill it--- :oD

Vengence is so sweet ;o)

Rays said...

Peas - got your back here. Look, there are just some things that only time, and your deep-down gut feeling, will be able to tell.

When I love, I throw my whole damn self into it and find it hard to imagine how others hold themselves back from doing the same. But, we are all different and that's something to keep in mind. I don't think that putting an expiration date on love is a good idea, however I do think that you should voice your opinion. When the time comes to make a decision (that goddamn fork in the road!) you'll most likely be a lot more prepared than you ever thought you would be.

If not - let me know - I have a lot of single guy friends who would LOVE a girl of your calibre!

GoDsGiMp said...
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fly said...

Who's Danie van Niekerk... ??? :-?

GoDsGiMp said...

Morning-

So he sms'd. Thats just infuriating. I will give you the same advice I tend to give everyone, that doesn't mean its second hand like your car parts, no it means its tried and tested, and hopefully works better than some of the parts you will be seeing today. basicly it goes like this;

"No matter what happens, how bad it may seem, or how terrible you may feel, always remember, that everything happens for a reason."

My mother used to tell me that when I cut my knee or when my first girlfriend kissed Danie van Niekerk. It has always worked for me, because no matter what you might think, your whole dilemma right now is happening because it is meant to. And the result, SB or no SB, will be as it should be.

Its all sounds a bit cosmic but its simpler than that. Other than that, as is my custom, I would rather you smile than frown, so heres something to laugh at.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys for all your advice. It's great that you're all men commenting on this today so far, as I get it straight from the sex that I do not understand!
Thanks for all your words, I'm listening to every one of you and its sinking in.

Rays - When I'm with someone I give them my all as well. But not everyone is like that I suppose.

Fly - Who IS Danie van Niekerk?

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - it is infuriating that he smsed. It didn't sit right with me either. But on the bright side- he was at least thinking of me right?
Fuck I don't know.

fly said...

hmmmm....but we still dont know who is Danie van Niekerk ???

GoDsGiMp said...

-Danie van niekerk-

Name was changed to protect person from my legions of overzealous fans.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - Fans beating down your door huh? What a drag. ;)

GoDsGiMp said...

Well the place of the sms in modern relationships, personal, bussiness or otherwise, is obviously a developing field. As it stands the decorum for its use has not been refined to an exact science and indeed its use differs between all relationships. Whether it can be accepted as commonplace communication alongside letters, emails, phone calls and personal visits.. is still debatable. But..
If he had sent you a letter, would you have been happy? Does not an sms inhabit the space somewhere between letter, phone call and email?

GoDsGiMp said...

And if none of this works out. I have an older brother, who is so shy he has never had a girlfriend in his 26 years. And should be easy to mold.. :)

As for fans beating down my door. I bought a shotgun and a nightcap so I can lean out my window and hurl insults at them as I fire blanks into the air.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - a letter would've been more romantic in this day and age. But letters just don't seem to be a valid and quick way of communication in 2006. Unfortunately, as they do have a ceratin charm.
Sms is an easy way out of something. I do it all the time when I don't feel like talking to someone or making a vocal excuse. But! He was thinking about me, he did make the first move. So I can't fault him for that.

Daedalus said...

peas...

I'll think of you hun, it is a rather shitty thing you are dealing with now.

Break-ups in any form is not something that I would wish on anyone as it involves a lot of emotion and a resounding feeling of rejection.

As for men – we are rather simple... many of us (men) only require *friction*... some are more spiritual (the ones that got hurt in the past)... and others really fall in love

… which one was SB?

JAm said...

If he wants to meet up and chat, then surely that's a good sign. If he wasn't interested at all, he would run off into the sunset.

I was on the flip side of the kind of experience Daytripper was talking about...as a girl.

I met someone incredible, but I had so many other things going on in my life that it was very hard for me to see that the person standing right in front of me was worth it. I came out of a very long term relationship and all my head could think of was that whoever I met was probably a rebound and I should be careful. Maybe SB feels the same way about you - maybe he's worried that you're rebounding and has therefore been careful to not get involved.

I am crazy about this person, we are together at the moment and I think I AM in love with him and have said so. Perhaps there are other issues that Small Bum has that are stopping him from being honest with himself, and therefore with you.

Jam said...

What I am trying to say, in short, is that it's not always about YOU. Sometimes the other person has their stuff too...keep your chin up Peas because I can tell that you're worth it.

Peas on Toast said...

daedalus - I think he's a bit of everything. He has never been in love before, he says. With any of his other girlfriends.

Jam - thanks Jam. He does have issues with me just coming out of a relationship, but he still backs himself. He reckons I must really like him if I'm willing to be with him so soon after a big realtionship. Tis true.

Jam said...

How long has Small Bum stayed in his previous relationships for??

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - well here are his stats, and they don't look so good:

His longest relationship was 6 months. He never slept with the girl either. Otherwise he's had a few shortlived monthly relationships, sometimes ended by them, sometimes eneded by him. He's never been in love before. Although he has been heartbroken and he's cared alot for them, he says.
He also says that to love someone he will know he wants to spend the rest of his life with them. Which is a little hectic, because I'm not thinking that far in advance. I really just love him, but don't think of anything beyond that.

So from this point of view, things are looking bleak.

But on the upside, he says he's never had such a close or intense relationship as he's had with me. And I've taught him lots in the way of what couples really do for each other. Whatever the fuck that means. The last on the love front I heard is that he thinks he may fall in love with me, but cannot tell now.

So yah. That's where it's at. Sigh.

AnotherWhiteBoy said...

Peas - Forget the GnT - Try this - makes you forget everything - your name included!

1 x Pint of Guinness
1 x Dbl shot glass filled half Jamesons - half butlers liquer

Proceed to drop shot glass into Guiness and down as fast as possible -
It's called an Irish Car Bomb

Now repeat as many times as necessary.

Rays said...

Nice on the drink mix anotherwhiteboy!

Peas .. if all else fails, let me know - as I am going through a very similar situation - and we can go drink G&Ts till it pours out of our eyes!

Jam said...

Well...

Maybe the silly boy just doesn't know what love is?

"He also says that to love someone he will know he wants to spend the rest of his life with them."

While I love the person I am currently with, I think it will take me a very long time before I KNOW if this is someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I loved my ex, and got married...and now we are apart, and are no longer in love. It's not a measure of anything, and it sounds a bit like a convenient way of SB avoiding how he really feels. It sounds a lot like a protective measure to me.

Here is a suggestion - ask SB to describe how he DOES feel about you, and then break that apart...

Jam said...

*hugs*

fly said...

I fear the more you ask the less you'll know...the more you force the more he'll pull away...its human nature...

zuzula said...

i just don't get this. you spend a lot of time together. you mix with each other's friends. you look after each other when you're ill. you cook for each other. you've met the parents. you have great sex.

you sound like a very loving couple in all but name to me. i really don't get it. sounds like he's a commitment phobe... but the commitment is already there!

fly said...

but thats it zuzula...so why is there a problem ???

why does "yes, I love you" mean so much ??? ...when he is clearly there already ???

Jam said...

Speaking from experience, being honest with yourself and then with each other is probably the most important component in allowing a relationship to survive and grow. But hey, that's just my experience.

zuzula said...

Fly - because it's important to have the courage of your convictions. i totally understand why Peas needs that reassurance. I just don't know why this guy feels unable to give it to her. It may be just a till receipt for something she's already bought... but it still proves that she bought it!

zuzula said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kyknoord said...

That sucks dust, Peas. Sympathies. It would be nice to be able to fastforward past all this shite, wouldn't it?

fly said...

@zuzula - towards the end of last year i broke up with a girl because she told me not to break her heart....now tbh you dont always take lines like these seriously but I did...I saw the girl was falling for me and I knew that there was no way I could return it....well not in the short time we had been together....that doesnt mean I disliked her....I just wasnt ready at the time...

The reason I broke up with her was because I couldnt say to her where I would be in 5 months time and that I definately wouldnt break her heart...nobody can say that cos nobody can predict the future....but then again its not to say that we wouldnt still be together now....I just wasnt ready to risk somebody else's emotions on what I felt...

Maybe its a protection thing as to not hurt Peas...this doesnt mean that SB intends on breaking up with the poor girl, just that he cant predict the future and what it might bring....as cant Pea's...

Saying "I love you" to someone is a big thing...well it is for me anyways and its not a line I use lightly...this could be the same case for SB...

Peas on Toast said...

Phew thanks everyone. I've certainly got a lot to think about, and all of your comments make sense to a large degree.

In the meantime, I've kind of figured out a game plan for myself tonight.

If he breaks up with me: swallow it and take it.

If he doesn't want to end it and we talk about how we're going to deal with our conflicting issues on love, I'll tell him: I will not pressure him anymore. BUT. He needs to defract what he does feel about me and communicate this. Because no communication from him is feeding on my insecurities.

Aw shucks, it's going to be hard!

Reluctant Nomad said...

Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time, hope you get through it soon.

On a different note, I am pleased to announce that I pipped you to the post for the worst / most boring SA blog! :-)

ChequePlease! said...

Hi Ppp's

About time for me to comment
(Thanx for bringing much reality & Life to my work day..so payback cause you need it)

I am/was SB at some point quite recently.

Dated my GF for 5 years but could never really a reconcile the 'L' word with what I thought/knew/didn't know I felt.

Case Study 'SB': Has never used the word previously. Thinks that when he uses it, it will be with the perfect prime time ,soap opera, chick flick version of the perfect partner with whom he will ride off into the sunset with to get married, breed like rabbits and read stories to grandchildren.
Anything outside of this media/Mills&Boon type fantasy does not neccessary register as 'being in love'. I have no doubt that he loves you ( based on the previous months of FRIEND to SB transition commentry you have provided).
The question is not does he love you, but is he 'In love with you'. I suspect quite strongly that you view it as 'Do you love me now and lets see what tomorrow will bring' vs his 'To admit love means you are my one and only forever.Amen'.

Peas, please make sure that you are both using the same dictionary to define this 'L.O.V.E' before you have understood the other's context. (Use it Don't use it.)


PS. Now married for 2 years, took sometime so understand the other perspective and sing fron a common hymnsheet so to speak.Guess what, yes I do love her, but male brain still makes it harder to admit openly or shout from moutntain tops. Have no problem proving it though. Male brain is wired different. Easier to show how you feel that say it...

Still working on the latter ;)

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