Saturday, June 10, 2006

hello world


dicpic
Originally uploaded by peas on toast.
So Third World Ant and I figured that because we’ve spoken freely about our ever-faithful plastic dicks, we thought we’d formally introduce you to the crew. It just seems fair.

This scene is [if not astutely] juxtaposed with the book for fabulous bitches like myself who have recently found themselves microwaving TV meals for one.

On the left we have Flick the G™, with custom-made finger (complete with fingernail, very lifelike indeed), for dual orgasmic pleasure.(Adult World Claremont, R250. They also throw in two free tubes of lube.)

On the right we have my man of the moment,The Bushwhacker 3 000™. It has a three-speed setting and is cleverly embalmed in a comforting jelly exterior. It is also available in various hues, one conveniently being hot pink. This automatically makes him Dildo Fabulous. He comes (comes, geddit?) highly reccommended. (Adult World Melrose North, R299. And two free tubes of lube.)

However, I think it’s timely to mention that all the men with whom I have shared sexual integration, have been less than enamoured with my Bushwhacker. I haven’t asked them to be friends as such, but I have made the necessary introductions. Men, I have found, are intimidated by my lowly Whacker. It’s not a size issue, it’s not a colour issue, and it’s not because he has three speed settings. Men are intimidated because I can pull him out whenever the fuck I fancy.

I have only had the pleasure of using him in front of two of my lovers, who were both too tired to sort me out. (Whose crying now? Not I!) In a merge unseen before, both were coincidentally and studiously reading The Star beside me in bed. (On separate occasions, you sick fucks.) Needless to say, the daily headlines were pushed aside the moment I started climaxing. Hey, it’s a free show afterall. So it’s a useful little gadget for when the lady is randy and the man is not.

That said, a vibrator, as pleasing and as gratuitous as it is, can never fully replace a man. This you should know. Having sex with somebody – unless you find yourself banging Shrek – cannot be replaced with a jellified dick.

But for the moment it’ll do, donkey.

PS: Revolving Credit jarred my mispent memory the other day when I couldn’t remember where I had last left my elusive Whacker. It’s usual place of rest lies in my underwear drawer or under my bedside table (where my mum found it. We’ve never spoken about the incident to this day.) A jarring of memory banks was had by the delightful Revolving, and much relief was felt when I found it in the booze cabinet. Next to the house grappa, to be precise. Good God, what the hell kind of party did I have with myself that I cannot remember?

PPS: Check out Ant’s blog for her extremely witty dildo dialogue.

43 comments:

fly said...

I think dildo's are hot... :o)
I have absolutely no issue with them...at all...

Bring em on I say...

Peas on Toast said...

That's the spirit sport! :)

Third World Ant said...

Had a funny incident when I was away for a night - don't ask why I felt the need to pack my dildo, but I did. Given that there's very little privacy, I decided to use it in the bathroom. One of my friends asked the next morning, I didn't know you had an electric toothbrush! Too slow thinking, I replied, I didn't bring it with me this weekend! Busted!

Peas on Toast said...

OK babe - hold on a sec: she thought your dildo was an electric toothbrush??

Do I know this person?

That's pretty funny. :)

Jam said...

I am the proud owner of a blue Waterproof Dolphin Vibrator. It was given to me by my ex, so I guess there was no chance that he was threatened! I have yet to give the big blue friend a name though...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - one of my mates has that one I think. Danny the Dolphin she fondly calls him.

Jam said...

Swim baby, swim...
I still find the blue a bit weird though...oh well, it does the trick.

Peas on Toast said...

Tooshay ;)

Jam said...

Hehehehe.

Revolving Credit said...

Glad I could be of service. If anyone else is having a problem finding pleasure, speakup!

Peas on Toast said...

No, thank you big guy.

Champagne Heathen said...

When I was but a pre-teen my brother informed me, very much out of the blue, that he had just read in a mag that I must never use a vibrator as then no mortal man will be able to make me orgasm again. This has remained a fear of mine since, and so while I have always been intrigued by vibrators I have avoided the mechanical sexual equipment.

Thinking back on this memory I am distressed....I have far too open a family.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - well let me at least ease your mind sweetheart. Your brother was but pulling your leg, jerking your chain. For you can totally have an orgasm with a guy after having used a dildo. In fact, if not more. The more you experiment with yourself, the more you know yourself right? Which means you know exactly what you want in the sack, should you be sharing it with someone.

Third World Ant said...

No no no, he heard the humming sounds while I was in the bathroom, therefore thought it was an electric toothbrush...

Peas on Toast said...

Oh right! Well that is slightly hilarious.

You'd better tell me who when we get home. :)

Suavé said...

**droool**

All this talk about Dildo's getting me a bit flustered. I dig them D's. Add's an extra spice into the mix and now that ya'll mention it, I'm getting flashbacks. Mmmmmmmhhhh.....what a great night the was. Isnt it a bit early in the mornin to be talking bout these things?

**slaps Peas on wrist**

Peas on Toast said...

Honey didn't you know some of the best sex is had in the morning? ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Not to fear, I completely agree with knowing yourself inside and out. I have been best friends with myself since I was about nine. Which coincidentally was around about the time my brother read this urban legend in some guy's mag.

What he was trying to explain to me is that the orgasm received by a mortal man APPARENTLY will never come close to matching the orgasm received by a vibrator. Consequentally, the vibrator will have to become a vital part of the girl's sack romping.
Not a bad thing these days, now that everyone is open and experimenting, but back in those days the thought of pulling a vibrator out in front of a guy was not a possibility to be considered. (Actually, back in those days, anything but the missionary position was probably thought to be kinky by a preteen).

Revolving Credit said...

Both were too tired to perform?? I'm assuming that both their penis's were pap. So their hands and tongues for still operable, right.
Just 'cause they couldn't get off, they weren't going to help you - were`they scared of driving the dildo??
That's actually just selfish on their parts (reading the fucking newspaper I tell you).
In my view the dildo should be the guys friend - lets face it, we may cum twice and then need atleast 30min to recharge. Women on the otherhand are like the duracell bunny - they just keep going& going & going...until too sensitive or utterly exhausted. Therefore the dildo is there to augment the action and should be part of any healthy and lusty relationship.
Face it, it's the only 3some most guys are going to have - you, him & your dildo

Suavé said...

Revoling > Preach bra. Preach!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - good for you honey pie. Perhaps facing the dildo fear is the first step though: I can recommend a Bushwhacker 3 000, and I'm certain Ant will endorse hers as well. ;)

Revolving - perhaps it was a little selfish. But then, it left me in good stead didn't it? Sorting myself out then and sorting myself out now.;)

Suave - and don't you love it dudeface. ;)

kyknoord said...

Interesting, I've always liked the idea of my partner having a mechanical buddy to take up the slack when I'm not up to the task (so to speak).

Peas on Toast said...

kyknoord, you'll never look back my friend.

Suavé said...

Sorry Peas but I cant speak to you today otherwise I'm liable to bust a whole through my desk and keyboard. The tequila's from yesterday got me some good ol action and I cant wait for round 5 and reading all this is not helping. May I be please excused from the table?

Peas on Toast said...

Suave - that seems reasonable to me m'dear. So you got action last night? You lucky fuck!! (I mean that in a nice, back slapping sort of way, I swear.)

Revolving Credit said...

@Suave Boner - dude, is all the dildo speak turning you on?
You need to clarify your position, cuz yesterday your statements made Muddle draw some interesting conculsions on her blog.

Rippin said...

You've inspired me to purchase that "Little Anal Annie" Vibrating Anus that I've had my eye on. 2 Jars of Anal Gel included.

Suavé said...

Peas > Hells yeah! Again and again! But you know I got your back right. Like I said I dedicated one round to you ;)

Revo' - Nah dude, I might be revealing too much here but fcuk it the whole thing with chicks getting themselves off is some crazy shit for me. The Dildo has got nuthin to do with it. It what it does to the female p(ea)ple. Sorry some cats like the whips, some like the leather and some cats even like the watersports, but that just does it for me. Call me what you want but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Get them thoughts outta your head man. Besides, its was a pure misunderstanding yesterday. Cmon, dude...HAHAHAHA!

Peas on Toast said...

Rippin - all in the name of fun, so if that's what tickles your, um, fancy, fine by me! :)

Suave - Now a whip. I bought that up with He with the Small Behind, and he didn't seem too enthusiastic.

Snotty_Miz said...

In my experience men love the lil dicky dildo gadgets, mearly it's just one more phallic extension. I think it ties in with watching another guy shtum their woman, but they control the dick that grinds her....boys and toys I tell you.

Peas on Toast said...

Snotty-,iz- my next top purchase will be one of those darling little traffic tickler things. You know, strap it onto your doondies while sitting neck-on-neck on the M1 North and let the stress of the day slip away. It comes with a free remote.

Revolving Credit said...

Lets hope that cellphone signals don't disrupt the tickler's remore signal. I could just imagine a 5 car pileup on the N1 north, just as you pass Vodaworld. That place is probably generating so much signal that your tickler may end up being a runaway reactor!

Officer: Lady, what were to have maked you to lost vehicular control of your motor?
Peas:*blush* Just hold on....*contortion*shit,here it comes again...

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - "Officer: Lady, what were to have maked you to lost vehicular control of your motor?"

Fucking classic.

Reply: "I is got somefing in my jean pant, Mrs Officer."

Revolving Credit said...

Reply: 'I are to have been mechanically teasing my koeksister'

Snotty_Miz said...

'I just experience a siesmic event in my orifice, ofrificer' (oh shit, backtrack) I think I've suffered a stroke, my speach is impeded'

Peas on Toast said...

:)

I might just get one to gauge these reactions, chaps.

Revolving Credit said...

We've heard of 'Guys trying to prove who has the biggest dick'

Are we venturing into the feminine version 'Trying to prove has has the best vibrator?'

Jam said...

I saw a gadget the other day that's attached to a cell phone so that your significant other can phone you at any time in the day and give you a little remote pleasure...
Can you imagine...meetings would never be the same again.

Kate said...

seems i'm a little behind the times, I have the bushwacker 2000. I suddenly have dildo-envy! :P

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - there's certainly some, um, stiff competition out there.

Jam - now you're talking! Pity I'm single.

Kate - You need to upgrade dollface. I'm pretty certain there's now a 4 000 on the market as well. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Bring new means to 'For a good time, phone 08*********'

Rippin said...

Just had a funny thought:

Imagine a girlfriend has a 'headache', while you're itching for a bit of loving.

"Never mind!" you say, "I'll just fuck my fake vibrating anus!"

I probably wouldn't get the same reaction a woman would, if she pulled out a plastic assistant when her man's feeling a little wilted...

Peas on Toast said...

Chaps, you've entertained me more today than you'll ever know! :)