Pick-up lines I’ve heard since I’ve been single. These, please take into consideration, are what I have heard roughly over the space of 6 weeks. All have been said with seriousness of face, and because of this, are all worthy of pasting herein:
1) Hi. How are you.
2) Those are serious reading glasses. (Oh dear. I don’t wear reading glasses…)
3) Didn’t mean to offend you about the glasses thing. (Really. It’s alright.)
4) Are they Gucci? (Sadly, no.)
5) Hello beautiful. (Hello Hugh Hefner.)
6) Hey, look…at you. (I can’t. No mirrors within immediate proximity.)
7) Can I break the ice, er, I mean can I buy you a drink. (Absolutely.)
8) You dance like a queen. (Thanks. I know.)
9) You have this look about you…you know…this wall. Like I can’t get in. (You would be right there.)
10) Hey, check, your shoes have a picture of Michael Jackson on them! (Huh?)
11) And he’s staring up your skirt! (Huh?)
12) Do you come here often? (I swear. People actually use this one.)
13) Hey! Your hair is in my face! (Sorry, who are you again?)
14) I’m from New Zealand. (Said in a distinct South African accent.)
15) Nice shoes, wanna fuck? (I actually used this on somebody. Don’t ask.)
16) So, now that you’re single…(yes?)
17) Wanna fuck? (Oh yes please you sweet talking bastard. Good God, no! Get away from me!)
18) Wanna see my watch? (Proceeds to wrap his tallywhacker around his wrist…)
19) Wanna go spinning with me? (This has been asked four times over email, the phone and sms. My answer? I equate spinning to Hell. Maybe when I hit a reasonable fitness level, I’ll think about it.) He asked again. Then proceeded to tell me how wonderful, amazing, incredible his girlfriend is. (Here’s a free idea: take her spinning, dickwipe.)
20) So…why do people call you [Peas/insert real name here]? (Cos…er…that’s my name.)
21) Why on Earth would Small Bum dump you? (Because he’s retarded. Only reasonable explanation.)
22) Your jacuzzi party last year was wild. Can we do it again? Cos next time I’m sitting next to you. (Were you at my jacuzzi party?)
Potential pick-up lines I’ll use in Durban this weekend:
1) [Walking over to victim] Are you just going to stand there staring at me…or are you going to buy me a drink?
3) So…you see the guy over there with the Killer Smile? Don’t you want to help me make him want me?
4) Nice horses, huh?
5) So what do boys this end of the country do for fun?
6) Nice rack. Just kidding. But not really.
7) Oh him? No, that’s just Moogs. He’s my brother.
8) I’ve always wanted to know what the inside of a horse box looks like.
9) I won! I won! Fifty bucks on the trifector! Well…actually ..not. Want to help get me through this bottle of champagne? Misery loves company.
10) Well, actually , I was thinking, let’s rather go back to your place. Why? See, I’m staying in a backpackers with all my mates in the same room.
I’m off to Durban at noon today with Moogs, Eye Guy, Ant and E2. People to avoid? Small Bum, W, Pyscho Lady. I’m pretty darn certain there will be complete mayhem left in our wake after we're through with this shindig. I’ll be dressed from top to toe in flaming pink, and I'm back on Tuesday, probably with enough stories to write a book.
Have a wonderful weekend y’all, I’m off to catch a plane!