Friday, June 23, 2006

wandies wall


wall
Originally uploaded by peas on toast.
Oh my god. Last night was absolutely hysterical. Started off by a boozy lunch at Wandies, in Soweto, evidenced by my name on the wall.

I went to bowling club last night with my bitches and met two hilarious men by the names of Sexypants and Voooooogie. Yes with that many ‘o’s.
After many a drinkie-poo was bought, paid for and had, and while conversation flowed like the River Severn during the Welsh flood of 1978, I actually managed to reverse my car up an embankment on two wheels. The back right wheel and left front wheel.

Dude.

I had no idea that I had a semi-tow jutting-out thingie under my back bumper that drilled its way into the grassy knoll on which I had unwittingly reversed. How embarrassing. Especially since Sexypants and Vooooogie witnessed the whole thing from the parking lot, while I was playing “When I dip, you dip, we dip...if you ain't dippin', you must be trippin'...” loudly on my CD player, while I roared up the hill backwards, wheels a-spinning in mid-air. The whole drunken evening I had charmed them with my endless wit and finesse, only to park my vehicle halfway backwards up a 55 degree fucking bowling green slope.

Not to mention Man I Have My Eye On coming especially to say hello to me at the bar, which I managed to pull off with the poise of a bloody elephant. He tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and for two seconds (one Mississippi, two Mississippi) I couldn’t for the life of me remember who he was. Odd, since he is the fellow I have been masturbating over for the last…like, forever.

The only fertive explanation I can come up with, is, well, I’d spent the whole of yesterday in Soweto researching stories to write while having to usher a tour group around (do I look like fucking David Attenborough?? I’m a journalist for Christ’s sake) and as lovely and as vibey and beautiful as Soweto is (and I say this with sincerity, it really is a place in which I’d love to spend more time – like that Hector Pietersen museum – I really need to go there), but seriously, I was overly-tired and pissed, which is a bad combination with hot men, although I was admittedly, drinking with the girls.

So the three drinks I consumed oh so fucking liberally hit me like a Greek shithouse falling from the heavens. Perhaps it’s cos I chugged too much wine at Wandies, and wrote my name(s) all over the wall, just like what tourists do.
Vooooogie and Sexypants were honestly just the biggest cards ever, two great guys with which to shed my madness, and were jolly good sports to have dealt with our table of chaotic girls at that. And they went to Rhodes – which is coincidentally catastrophic – since I avoid those guys like the plague at the minute. But hey, whatever.

So, my car looks like I reversed it up an uncharacteristically large pile of bovine manure. I sulked and pulled into the Engen garage and bought myself three strawberry milkshakes and the heat magazine, and then realised I had left the bowling club without saying cheerio to Man I’ve Had Eye On, but then, perhaps this retains an air of mystery around me. Since I’m so fucking out there – this does me no favours – perhaps, perhaps, he wondered where I had gone to.
(Truth being, I was trying to rub off chunks of embankment off my car using a stiletto heel in the garage at midnight – was it even midnight?)

Then chugging three strawberry milkshakes ad liberatum, then, well, wanting to play with myself, but instead falling asleep like a narcoleptic as head hit pillow and dreaming of manure, Soweto, Man Have Eye On, and strawberry milkshake fields forever. Not to mention my poor car, Ludwig, who is fine, but full of grass and mud. (The car-guard's eyes were on stalks. Who knew a 2-litre Beetle could take it up the ass?)

55 comments:

Daytripper said...

Continuing yesterdays theme of bizarre coincidences, i also had a boozey afternoon (at my office of all places) followed by a wild night out at a concert in Newtown (Fuzigish and Lagwagon to be preceise)
And i can tell you, there are few things better for the soul than a late drinking night. The morning after sucks, but hey! the benefits are good (clear mind, leave from worry etc) mind you, I had a cherry on the top in the form of a late night visit from my wonderful girlfriend! heheheh!

Peas on Toast said...

...oh God Daytripper - and you managed to end if off with some late-night canoodling! :) You lucky little beefcake. I bearly 'phoned a friend' last night - that I know would give me sex if only I asked him. Luckily I was too busy cleaning the hill off the back of my car.

Boozy nights, and spontaneous ones at that, gotta love them. ;)

Daytripper said...

*grin*

GoDsGiMp said...

You can:

Phone a friend!
Remove two incorrect answers!
Or ask the audience!

And remember whatever you choose, you hopefully will end up well satisfied.

Jam said...

Hilarious!
Spontaneous boozy nights are great. I went a-wine-tasting last night. I didn't really spit. My head is thumping this morning...

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - it was close my boy, I nearly dropped by at his house on the way home...thank goodness I was too busy drinking strawberry milkshakes.

Jam - that's the spirit! Who spits at wine tastings anyway? ;) I'm with you on the thumping head thing.

Suavé said...

HAHAHA! Funny ish...This may sound weird but I had the same kinda day myself yesterday, with the drinking at least. It just seems like my household has become the one-stop shop with 1 visitor every 30mins to an hour, bearing alchoholic gifts. The liks were flowing rather heavily last night while indulging in some good old footy.
Ag shame, your head she is bumping also Peas? Is okay, me head she is bumping too.

M said...

Love your work Peas, nearly ended up the Bowling club last night to watch the football, but somewhere between the 8th and 9th Peroni at a mates place after long boozy lunch couldnt quiet muster the energy! M ps: what must foreigners think of us all... haha

Jam said...

It's amazing any of us here can actually string sentences together this morning considering our collective inebriated nights.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Are you and Ludwig planning a car wash visit this morning Peas?

Peas on Toast said...

Suave - dude, it seems like everyone had one helluva a boozy day yesterday - which is great! Misery loves company. ;) My house has also become Party Central of late. People pitching up everyday to be merry with me. Love it.

M - foreigners must think we're nuts. But then, that wouldn't be completely untrue. ;)

Jam - alongside Ant's car, which is covered in pigeon guano, me thinks we'll both be carwashing it today during lunch. :)

Daytripper said...

What is it about Wednesdays that induce small-weekend bouts of partying? Very "collective Unconscious." I love it!

M said...

Beautiful name for Wednesday in Afrikaans, "Klein Saterdag"

Daytripper said...

hey M, my favourite is "hump" day, cos its all downhill to the weekend from here!
*grin*

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - because the weekend is five long days away, it just makes sense to booze it up mid-week in order to stay sane. :)

M - brilliant! Don't Capetonian weekends start on Wednedsay afternoons? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

...Says Daytripper, he with a beautiful girlfriend. *grin*

Jam said...

I can't see my car under all the pigeon guano. Then again, maybe that's also just the hangover.

Jam said...

*ahem*

M said...

Pigeons are wimps, unless you have suffered a true Hadeda assault your car is untainted

Buzzing'Fly said...

So was planning on hitting the BC last nite with me best bud for the long awaited Argentina vs ze Dutch football game but instead got a very unexpected visit from two of my craziest buds that I have not seen ages... lethal combination!!

3 glorious bottles of Vino later and shots of jagameister... ow... didn’t quiet make it to the BC.

Needless to say, my head... she is banging too.

Heres to awesome, spontaneously fun nites of debauchery and Thursday migraines…

Least we all suffering together ;)

Oh yeah *and there was the footi….. hey suave*

Peas on Toast said...

What's with pigeons shitting all over our cars? Is this a general pigeon exodus in JHB?

Hadedas can obliterate the whole windscreen.

Peas on Toast said...

It's great to know practically the whole of South Africa has a mid-week headache. We can all be completely unproductive together - united we stand.

Suavé said...

Holla at yo' boy Buzz!

Yeah guys, I've been saying for the longest time that Thursday is the new Friday but it looks like Wednesday is taking over too. Here here to the 4 or 5 day weekend. I'm sure a lot of our bosses are not impressed with us but hey...

Revolving Credit said...

Ola All

For the record Capetonian weekends do not start on Wednesday afternoons. Mine generally starts 1st thing Wednesday morning.

Strange how we all feel the need to get liquored mid-week. Yesterday left office earlish, dragged a colleague out and consumed 1x bottle red wine + 1/2 bottle Whiskey. ( Note to everyone: If you drink decent booze you won't really suffer that much the next day).
But then against I did spend Tuesday night at the pub with friends so either the weekend started on Tuesday or the long weekend is not yet complete???

fly said...

man I wouldve paid top dollar to see that... :o) hehehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - when I was a student in Cape Town, I made sure I had no leactures on a Thursday and Friday. Worled out oretty good for me! :)

Fly - had you been a Fly on the wall...;)

Billy said...

Im fresh as a daisy!!!! I, for some very odd reason, decided not to booze at a function at the Westcliff last night. I watched the usual suspects hammer the bottle with some top notch encouragement and fall about. It was very weird to be on the other side of the fence.

I do however sympathize with all the hung-over amongst you; God knows i have experienced it way too often.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Billy willy - why on Earth would you pass up an opportunity to get well liquored at the 'Cliff??

Shame on you!

PS: But very sensible all the same, big guy. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Hhmm...yes...Being a student was a 4 year weekend for me interspersed with a few brief moments of sobriety.
Probably the best weekend I've had for a while.

Peas on Toast said...

Weren't those the good old days? And there was always something to do between the moments of [brief] sobriety - like go to the beach. Climb Lion's Head, oh, and go to the beach.

*sigh*

muddlepuddle said...

Peas I am sitting at my desk and actually crying I am laughing so hard!

Girl you are phenomenal!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks dollface. I'm glad I can entertain. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Good old days....skipping lectures or bunking afternoon tuts to sneak up to Rhodes Mem - Bottle of Tequila and bottle of Grape Fruit Snaps....Sit on the slopes and drink.
Get slowly pissed....lose balance roll down slope..walk back up..have another drink...lose balance ..roll down slow..crawl back up...another drink.....(repeat to totally pissed or alcohol runs out)

Try and fornicate on slope...2 people roll down slope...(you get the message)

Get busted by park ranger or irritated tour guide.

Fuck that was fun!! same time next week. Hate that tutor in any case.....

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my God! Your story sounds uncannily like the episode I had with Ex S on Devils Peak in first year!

Freaky!

Revolving Credit said...

Did the park ranger catch you playing with the wildlife or cross-pollinating someone's flower??

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - we were 3/4 naked in some extremely long fynbos/grass. No wildlife about except for us. And the game ranger.

I wonder how often this happens? Game rangers finding UCT students banging on the slopes of the mountain?

Jam said...

Anyone else having motivation problems with work today post hangover?

Revolving Credit said...

So was this the original 'Bush Whacker'??

Jam, not too motivated - trying to book cheap fights and car hire. Checking all the permutations will probably piss away most of the afternoon.
Amazing how if it's bizniz you pay, but if it's private you'll find the cheapest, squeeze water out a rock , price.

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving - :)

Jam - oh thank God. I'm not the only one! I'm having serious trouble forcing myself to stay setaed where I'd rather run out of the office and get into bed. God and it's only 2:38pm.

Jam said...

Trouble is, I have LOADS of work to do. *groan*
Bed, yummy.

i_am_not_who_i_am said...

think we should start a blog called : 101 exhilarating things to do with your car!

1. romp-a-bumper
2. exhaust its exhaust!
3. give it a mudmask!@

etcetcetc

talking of cars......and co-incidences......i rammed it bumper into something grotesque...

i seem to be attracting this kinda shit in mah life these days!!! so peas...dont worry...u still fall in category "normal"...havent reached "insane-in-membrane" as yet!...

hahahahahahohoohohoh

im going slightly mad!

fida...

Peas on Toast said...

Fida they say when you're going mad, you don't know it. Which means we're in serious trouble! ;)

PS: I like the mudmask thing. Ludwig needed a facial, come to think of it.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, have you apologised to Ludwig?

Peas on Toast said...

Sincerely, Revolving. As he's the only man in my life, best I keep him happy. ;)

other-duke said...

i don't even have a hangover and i'm finding it hard to concentrate!! tomorrow should be interesting. weekend starts after work on thursday :) hehe...

Off to G-Town festival next week so directors have piled on the work before i go. AAArrrggh!!

muddlepuddle said...

Peas was just thinking - What is First for Women going to say about this one??

Good thing you had them stilettos on - you can always claim a pigeon molesting Ludwig was attacked by a cat hence the scratches etc etc.

Not sure they'll send you a massage voucher. Maybe a jet washer?

Peas on Toast said...

Duke - good luck in Grahamstown big guy, rather you than me! :)

Muddle - I'm guessing First For Women would have a good gas. And sighing in relief that I didn't need to claim this one. (Cos I'm such a good driver. )

muddlepuddle said...

You're a great driver Peas - and don't let nobody tell you different!
I mean can you believe those people who are still harping on and on about the same ol' argument that alcohol affects judgement?
Honestly you back up into one hill/knock over one garden gnome and they get all preachy on yo' ass?!!??

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - as much as I'd like to comment, I really shouldn't :)

PS: Anyone know a good lawyer?

Jam said...

Luckily you don't need a lawyer for mud and grass...

Anonymous said...

Ironically, Vuki actually studied law at Rhodes, since you ask Peas...and he needed to, since he was always in a disciplinary hearing of some sort or other...love ya, Vuki. And ps: wow, the world is just soooooooo small.

Marika said...

could this be the same "vooogie" i'm thinking of...hmm...sounds too coincidental not to be! Studied law, is just generally crazy...yes, has to be. now i wonder who the other one is? :-)

Revolving Credit said...

Me thinks this room is getting a little bit small!

Kel said...

Bloody Hilare....*gets visuals*

other-duke said...

i see someone else has been posting comments as duke. just for the record: this is a NEW duke.

Perhaps other duke should call him/herself duke2 :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh how HILARIOUS!

Som eof you know Vuki! I was calling the poor oke Vooooogie the whole night, when meanwhile it's like 'Voekie' rhyming with Boekie, right? ;)

Hilarious.

PS: This is why I didn't go to Rhodes. Just too damn small!