Friday, July 28, 2006

bath time and ice skating

I am officially a loser. I might’ve officially been a loser my whole life, but now it’s for certain.

My favourite part of the day is bath time.

I swear blind I am 25 not 4.
Bath time has usurped my previous habitual excitement of seeing my boyfriend and banging him senseless on different pieces of furniture. Even if we did the same thing the night before.

I start looking forward to my daily scrub at around 3:00pm. Pondering and dreaming aimlessly over which bubble bath to use (The Radox or the Dorothy Gray bath oil? Or bath salts? Fuck, the options are endless) and whether I’ll put on a face mask before or not. All while writing about, say, meatballs.

I throw my keys down, pause to rip my clothes off, and run myself a most sensationally hedonistic and loved-up bath fit for a princess. In a bathroom plastered in 70s babycrap-green tiles and a wilting shower curtain, even so. When my cell phone rings I answer it, nonchalantly placed besides the soap and hope I don’t drop it therein.

I sing to myself, blare the likes of Andrea Boccelli over my speakers (like yesterday), and go about my bathing regime like clockwork. It’s a regimented pattern: the shave, the exfoliation, the washing of private parts. Followed by a healthy lathering of creams, a pluck here and there and a wrinkle-check. Then I slip on my underwear and my pyjamas, and pour myself a glass of, like yesterday, Porcupine Ridge. This entire ritual takes me about two hours. And I enjoy every second of it, to the point where I’m starting to imagine doing the whole thing top-to-bottom twice a day.
I’m a bath addict; I’m a loser.

Is this what my days have come to? Well I suppose mum should be pleased I’m not a crack addict. And I’m not rushing home to look for spare light bulbs in a flurry of excitement instead.

On a brighter, and dare I say less loserville note, I went ice skating last night. At the Sandton Square Virgin rink set-up thingie. Last minute with my friend Ramone Allones and his cohorts. (After my bath. Meaning I have to bathe all over again, not that this poses an immediate problem). Shit, if I had all the money in the world, I’d build a giant bath tub…and my own ice rink. Small Bum at least taught me one thing: how to skate backwards. Like a professional-like. (OK OK, and how to play poker). After much frustration and a right ass-thumping after landing abruptly on the precariously and deceptively slippery ice, I managed to remember how to do it. What fun. Ramone learnt how to skate for the first time. He made some fans – or hysterical onlookers on the side – who thought his ice walking was something else. They took pictures and everything. Bless.

32 comments:

Daytripper said...

well, if you skate on thin ice, you'll end up with crack(s)

Peas on Toast said...

Um, yes. Thanks Daytripper! :)

Shortypam said...

er... i think im a mondo loser... not only do i like them bath times but i have erm... a rubber ducky, whom i call... erm ducky.. i know i know, there is something wrong with me... my boyfriend doesnt even know this.

Daytripper said...

does Ducky vibrate Shortypam?

Peas on Toast said...

Shortypam - wonderful! A duck and everything! I'm gonna go get me one of those guys.

Daytripper - Not a bad idea, even if it doesn't. ;)

Shortypam said...

thats my lil secret daytripper... hehe...

Revolving Credit said...

Well, the saying goes 'Cleanliness is next to godliness'
If this is true, I think this may make you a goddess!!

Now we just need to find you a boy to bang in the bath for 2 hour....problem solved.

Is the whacker waterproof???

Ramone Allones said...

Peas,

you left too early (was my ice-skating that offensive?) you missed out on me being tackled to the ground by midget paris hilton look-a-likes. i may have broken my arse. this is serious, as i sit on it often.

you are not a loser, you can skate backwards!

in other news here is the Oscar quote for the week.... "morality, like art means drawing a line someplace" hmmmm

kyknoord said...

Glad you managed to graduate from arse skating to the proper thing.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I don't think it is. Have often wondered this myself. :)
And thanks, yes I am a goddess. Who is also a loser. :)

Ramones - your ice skating was epic my friend! When I left I didn't see limbs strewn across the ice. And Paris lookalikes? Nice! I was manhandled by some interesting fellows, but not mini Paris. ;)
And yes I can skate backwards! Yeehah!

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - thanks dude. Me too. ;)

other-duke said...

i'm more of a shower person, i have a pet hatred for bathing, it's a long story - but basically has something to do with heating up milk in the microwave and a teaspoon... it's available on beta, vhs and super8 (now also dvd)

did you manage to read my 'fleshlight' post?

other-duke said...

kyk - if you went to Hahd Pahrk Hahr, you'll always be going Aarse Skating ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Other-duke - sounds interesting! Will read you post now.

The Ant went to Hahd Pahkr Hahr. :)

other-duke said...

yes, i should have referenced her when using that prescise spelling to emphasise the accent

bathing aside, the ice skating sounded fun

Anonymous said...

To make your bath time more exciting! He's waterproof, and you can get the S&M looking rubber duckie too :)
Go here...
http://www.sextoys.co.uk/Fun-Vibrators/Rub-My-Duckie.asp

Peas on Toast said...

Other-duke - Interestingly, The Ant has the elocution of a princess. She sounds quite facking posh when she speaks, come to think of it. :)

Anon - why thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

No problem. I got me one of them little rubber duckies. Lots of fun :)

Jam said...

I think the world looks better backwards anyway,even if you end up on your ass.

Peas on Toast said...

Tooshay Jam. I mean touche. ;)

jam said...

or was that tush-ay?

Subterfuge said...

Funny that your blog has reached us over here in good old London (don't think that you ever did the obligatory year in London). Nice to have a slice of home to look at each day - sorry realise that this is not in the vein of the general conversation but been hit suddenly with the need to relinquish this place. It think it is references to The Colony and Bowling Club (ahh sigh R3.00 drinks). Ok - thats it from me.

Peas on Toast said...

Subterfuge - awesome dear, thank you! Glad you can reminisce about all the [lovely?] old places back here in the 'burg. :)
Didn't do the obligatory year over there, no, but have been a number of times to know it well enough.

Daedalus said...

Peas, nothing loser-like if you enjoy your "me-time" ;)

jimmmer said...

I think we'd all like a bit of 'me-time' with you Peas! Especially the private parts time.

zuzula said...

you have a bath at 3pm? how does that work?!

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - thanks guy. ;)

Jimmmer - well hello there! My long lost blog friend!

Z - No I start daydreaming about said bath at 3:00pm. I only get to do it at 5:30pm...

Syllable said...

Peas,

I hope you don't mind. I update my MSN Space this morning, and added a link to your blog. It keeps me young and amused. :D

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Syllable - much appreciated!

The Tart said...

Ode to the bath, I swear this seperates us from the guys! Hmm ... on second thought ... they can be converted, natch!

BTW, stay clear of the roller rink ... the little speed demons took me out several times. Maybe ice is the better way to go!

Smooch,
The Tart
; )

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks the Tart. I know what you mean about the kids. I screeched at one yesterday. Most unsightly. But then he did try to crash into me on purpose. Little brat.

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