fudging diet

Last night, on the consumption of a self-made bastardised version of my grandmother’s rougaille, and chatting to Third Roommate about Chinese impoverishment, I decided to attempt cleaning up my act. You know, get back into the business of feeling outrageously hot and shaggable, as mating season is upon us.

I’m henceforth doing the following:
1) Using toner day and night, even if I didn’t have make-up on before.
2) Cutting down drastically on alcohol
3) Going on a swearing diet

The third item is going to take the most discipline. It has to be done however, since E complained that her new company blocked her accessing my blog. She sent me this from the Webmarshal firewall, which heartily explains the access denial:

Access to http://www.mushypeasontoast.blogspot.com/ has been blocked by WebMarshal™

Text download (TEXT, 82180 bytes) was restricted by the text censor rule 'Block Offensive Language'.

TextCensor Script 'Offensive Language' triggered with total weighting of 16:
Expression 'bitch' triggered 4 times, weighting 8
Expression 'crap' triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression 'fuck' triggered 3 times, weighting 6

Contact your WebMarshal administrator if you need access to this site for business purposes.

WebMarshal Server: SNAP (Version: 3.5.2.16)

Well that’s just the funniest fudging thing I’ve seen all week. I swear like a sailor, let’s not forget. If I read through my archives, I balk at the atrocities that spew from my fingertips onto the keyboard and into the public domain like a tropical bush rash.
So. In order to act like a proper lady in the company of others, especially while I am trying to flirt my lacy boy shorts off, best I go on a swearing diet.

The problem is, well, I just love the word fuck. Nothing so self-indulgently expresses something so nicely as the word fuck. However, I’m going to have to trade in fuck with these words:

1) Effing. The effing taxi cut in front of me. Twice. For eff’s sake.
2) Fudge. Fudge you, fudgewit. I missed my fudging deadline.
3) Fack. This was tough, because like a Sloan bloody Ranger, I use fack all the time, in a bid to sound all Ponsemby when I swear like a whoring prostitute. So fack actually isn’t allowed.

Instead of shit, these are the alternatives:
1) Sherbet. Sherbet Herbert, if you do that one more time, I’m going to lose my rag.
2) Sheesh. That’s an incredible tree, sheesh.
3) Shait/shite. Not allowed. See ‘fack.’

Other words I cannot use, and I realise the redundancy of this list, but kind of think of it as me helping myself to the family buffet at the Oyster Box for one last time, before I starve myself with celery and carrots:
Fuck, shit, the shits, shitters, wank, wanky, pisswilly.

It’s like mental methadone for shit fuck pisswilly motherfucked cocksucker fuckwanker Taurettes sufferers. Not tasty, but does the trick.

Eff it, I’m probably going to go back to being a notorious potty-mouth, but it’s worth a shot.