Tuesday, August 22, 2006

fudging diet

Last night, on the consumption of a self-made bastardised version of my grandmother’s rougaille, and chatting to Third Roommate about Chinese impoverishment, I decided to attempt cleaning up my act. You know, get back into the business of feeling outrageously hot and shaggable, as mating season is upon us.

I’m henceforth doing the following:
1) Using toner day and night, even if I didn’t have make-up on before.
2) Cutting down drastically on alcohol
3) Going on a swearing diet

The third item is going to take the most discipline. It has to be done however, since E complained that her new company blocked her accessing my blog. She sent me this from the Webmarshal firewall, which heartily explains the access denial:

Access to http://www.mushypeasontoast.blogspot.com/ has been blocked by WebMarshal™

Text download (TEXT, 82180 bytes) was restricted by the text censor rule 'Block Offensive Language'.

TextCensor Script 'Offensive Language' triggered with total weighting of 16:
Expression 'bitch' triggered 4 times, weighting 8
Expression 'crap' triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression 'fuck' triggered 3 times, weighting 6

Contact your WebMarshal administrator if you need access to this site for business purposes.

WebMarshal Server: SNAP (Version: 3.5.2.16)

Well that’s just the funniest fudging thing I’ve seen all week. I swear like a sailor, let’s not forget. If I read through my archives, I balk at the atrocities that spew from my fingertips onto the keyboard and into the public domain like a tropical bush rash.
So. In order to act like a proper lady in the company of others, especially while I am trying to flirt my lacy boy shorts off, best I go on a swearing diet.

The problem is, well, I just love the word fuck. Nothing so self-indulgently expresses something so nicely as the word fuck. However, I’m going to have to trade in fuck with these words:

1) Effing. The effing taxi cut in front of me. Twice. For eff’s sake.
2) Fudge. Fudge you, fudgewit. I missed my fudging deadline.
3) Fack. This was tough, because like a Sloan bloody Ranger, I use fack all the time, in a bid to sound all Ponsemby when I swear like a whoring prostitute. So fack actually isn’t allowed.

Instead of shit, these are the alternatives:
1) Sherbet. Sherbet Herbert, if you do that one more time, I’m going to lose my rag.
2) Sheesh. That’s an incredible tree, sheesh.
3) Shait/shite. Not allowed. See ‘fack.’

Other words I cannot use, and I realise the redundancy of this list, but kind of think of it as me helping myself to the family buffet at the Oyster Box for one last time, before I starve myself with celery and carrots:
Fuck, shit, the shits, shitters, wank, wanky, pisswilly.

It’s like mental methadone for shit fuck pisswilly motherfucked cocksucker fuckwanker Taurettes sufferers. Not tasty, but does the trick.

Eff it, I’m probably going to go back to being a notorious potty-mouth, but it’s worth a shot.

57 comments:

Jam said...

Swearing has become so much part of our language, I'm fucking surprised that it hasn't been included in the fucking language yet. And why is swearing considered so un PC? They're just words, after all, which everyone fucking says all the fucking time.

Peas on Toast said...

I know Jam! Fuck has got a bad rap, and for what? Why? It just sounds so nice. What else expresses something as well as fuck?

Fuck is in the Oxford English Dictionary even.

Jam said...

Consider this: I don't have to bleep the word "bloody" out of a certain programme I edit as it's no longer considered offensive.
Personally? I think Peas is fab just the way Peas is...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Jam. I suppose bloody could be 'sanguine,' who knows?
But let's face it - by the weekend, I'll be swearing like a drunk war veteran all over again...;)

Revolving Credit said...

I don't fokking believe that hey blocked the word CRAP. I never even realised it was a 'bad' word. Isn't it what people say when they're trying not to say SHIT..

Another interesting point to note is that this Webmarshal attached a heavier weighting to the word BITCH than to FUCK.

Ergo - it is more acceptable to be FUCKEDUP than to be a BITCH.

Steeler said...

JM- She won't call because you left. She's got her own life to deal with and that's in Australia. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Joey, and when you do, the future is beautiful.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I know - how are those ratings? Bitch is a perfectly well-used word in dog breeding circles, as is bloody, and I suppose crap is just crap really.

Steeler - wtf??

J.M said...

Steeler - Mail me at joey@nadoes.com champ... dunno what ur smoking but I want some!!!

guppa said...

for 'fuck's sake' peas,
what a cool post.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks doll face. Fudge I am missing you my little guppa. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, I get webmarshalled all the time cos of my line of work, and it's not even for bloody fucking decent reasons. Sending out an interesting article on my line of work requires 10 minutes beforehand of making everything "s3x" and "Pen1s". Makes me feel like I am judge rating the acts, rather.

I usually just cut the fcking vowels out of all blddy words, which has resulted in me now speaking like I cut the fcking vowels.

Third World Ant said...

You're never going to be able to open your mouth again!

What are you going to say instead of poen?!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I'm with you on that, and I bldy well like your line of thought. This has new suprbly fckable options for me! Yay and thank you!

Ant - sign language doll face, what's fck in sign language? And Poen definitely doesn't count. Because then I will be silent, and that's just impossible.

3rm said...

its an exercise in futility and i for one want no part. i give it three days before you throw the towel in. and not a moment too soon either

Jam said...

middle finger, Peas.

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - Let's not jump the gun. I give myself 24 hours mate.

Jam - there's always something immensely satisfying about the middle finger, eh?

Jam said...

particularly in the traffic...

kyknoord said...

It's easy m'kay?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - hell yeah.

Kyknorrd - LOL! :)
"Step 1, steada ass say buns, step 2 steada shit say pooh...Cos fck is the worst word that you can say, so just use the word mkay!"

Revolving Credit said...

"..there's always something immensely satisfying about the middle finger, eh?"

"..particularly in the traffic... "

Are we still having the same conversation or has the topic changed slightly???

Anonymous said...

Question: Peas, did your boyfriend/s like the swearing? I ask this, cause all mine hated it.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev we're thinking along the lines of swearing through body language. So then the profanity doesn't so much have to come from my mouth. Middle finger always paints a nice 'fck off' pic, don't you think?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I didn't give a fudge whether they liked it or not. ;)
Funny enough it wasn't mentioned much, my sewaring. Mostly because they did a fair amount of it themselves.

Jam said...

Sign language as opposed to verbal expletives. Like what I'm holding up now...

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, now you know that my mind is somewhat twisted, right? In light of that fact, re-read my last question!

Peas on Toast said...

Wahaha Rev! I shoulda known, I only looked at that with sexually-deviant eyes now that you mentioned it.
Lol!

other-duke said...

hmmm, lacy boy shorts...

Crusoe said...

Peas, you have this all wrong. Not only should "fuck" be an acceptable word, but it should be recognised as an art form! Practise focusing on different letters when you say it and see how the word changes to suit different situations. Embrace your talent for fuck sakes, don't run from it.

Peas on Toast said...

Cool Crusoe, fcking will do! Only another 18 hours or so, then I'm going to throw in the swear-teetotalling towel. :)

Steeler said...

Joey- where do all the high school girls hang out in Cape Town?

Anonymous said...

Sure you could just get earmarked item drunk as a lord. Doubt he'd mind shagging a mouth-like-a-sewer-rat pea then. Prolly wouldn't mind bout the zits either, come to think of it.

Don said...

If we don't have swearing, what do we have?

Fucking, but as a verb. Does that count as a potty-word?

Peas on Toast said...

Don - absolutely. What else would we call it? (OK besides the very volatile sgagging/boofing/shtoinking.)
You're totally allowed. I have another...hmm...16 hours of puritaness left!

Crusoe said...

Peas - just be careful. I made a bet with a friend that I could go for a month without alcohol to prove my will power. That was 3 years ago and I still don't drink. Some habits just aren't worth creating ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe, that's hectic! And will-power of note!
You don't have to worry about me, dear, trust me. Swearing just comes too naturally. ;)

Crusoe said...

Have you heard the comedian Dane Cook before? His stand up "amused to death" has the funniest bit on the word 'fuck' I have ever heard. An absolute must for lovers of the word!

Peas on Toast said...

Haven't heard of it, sounds brilliant though.

Shortypam said...

iv got the same problem, cos my blog is called "being a bitch" my boyfriend cant access my blog cos of the webmarshal... eish.. i hate that thing. so now wen i email him we use an array of "web-marshal friendly" words.

crass- crap
boof- shag
fook-fuck
itcb-bitch
freakita-crazy fuck
fooface-fuckface

yep there thay are and we add more to our list constantly... iv been told to stop swearing cos its not lady like, but i like swearing, its me...

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty - the fact that your boyfriend can't access your blog is a God send, believe you me!

That would've given me a lot less grey hairs. ;)

Anonymous said...

Peas, did ur last BF not know that he was being written about? Did he not get a kick out of being written about online?

Anonymous said...

Yes he did and I know for a fact he didn't.

Shortypam said...

erm, he does get to see it though and he enjoys my posts, he even comments under an alias that i only know about, its all done in good fun and he knows it.. he likes it.. apparently (he says)it makes me even more sexy to him...

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah Shorty but be careful. When things were good between my last boyfriends, they didn't seem to mind that I wrote about what we did and stuff. When things weren't good, they minded.
Just be aware of this.

Revolving Credit said...

Is Anonymous talking to itself again?

Anonymous said...

Anon, so u must know him well...Why would a man allow someone to write about him?...maybe ur him?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - it appears so.

3rm said...

can we put a moratorium on this anonymous crap. you don't even have to be creative. just use a letter or a punctuation mark cos its physically impossible to follow this shit, oops, story otherwise

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - I think it's that strange, anonymous-sense of humour where they think they're hilarious, and I'm waiting for them to lose steam.
I'd think they were annoying and spewing a lot of useless crap, but they're invisible, so it matters not.

3rm said...

"Yes he did and I know for a fact he didn't."

it just sounded like this particular anon had something of an axe to grind and now we'll never know if he/she/it responds to any further goading cos they just get lost in the cess pool of anonymity

Anonymous said...

Im his mother

3rm said...

well then might i suggest sb's mum as a nom de plume

Anonymous said...

haha, only kidding ...just came across this blog - great stuff writer, don't really know who 'he' is....

3rm said...

hehe. nice one stranger. i think you could safely use the alias "joker" or in keeping with our theme of (anti)swearing today "funny fucker". then we'll all know who's taking the piss

Sunchaser said...

i luv it when you type dirty...

Tamaryn said...

There's something to be said for swearing....there's also something to be said for swearing....in afrikaans....Now,I'm not an afrikaans girl, but the language is so descriptive.
Here's a small list of my favourite expressions -
1.doos
2.poes
3.fokken wow
4.naai
- the entire language just sounds incredibly dirty....even an innocent work such as vrambroosbruismelkskommel sounds disturbing...(it means, apparently, raspberry milkshake)

So feck the non-swearing thing....and just say it....'fuck'...

dont deny yourself the small pleasures..

The Granny Wrangler said...

This is so girly and disgusting but thought i must just mention it - having recently moved to mud island, the land of vomitous white buttocks, i have discovered a fab little invention known as the disposable facial cleansing wipe. (see i told you it would be girly and disgusting!) Anyway, i know they have them back home and all and all, but nowhere NEAR as ubiquitous and cheap as they are here. Makes the whole boring rigmarole of cleanser toner blah-fuckity-blah so much more fun (do i need to get out a tad more or what?!) Just a little idea to help you stick to your newfound resolutions. Peas out babe.

Peas on Toast said...

Granny Wrangler - I've seen them! Wasn't too convinced, but now that you've given them the thumbs up, I might as well give it a shot! :)