Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Friday. Fabulous. Spent an evening giggling and cohorting with my (UCT, PE Tech) Allenby Underberg girls, C, E and N with the exception of R, a (UCT, PE Tech) Allenby Underberg guy mate of ours. We ate gnocchi and drank lots of red wine at Berlin in Melville. Haven’t been to Melville in way too long, and God did it make a pleasant change from the quasi-usual Friday nights at Manhattan. Even got home at a decent hour and had myself a cup of tea and watched The David Letterman Show. R is substituting Moogs as Best Guy Friend at present, who hasn’t come up for air in five weeks. New relationship. Bless. Or vomay, either way you look at it. He seems to be sthoinking his way through his mattress, and I’m not really game to hear anymore about it at the minute.

On Best Guy Friends, my dearest friend Doc was deported from India last week. Swear to God. It wasn’t drug-related, before you ask. His visa was fucked up somehow, and he has to come back to Jozi for a week to sort it out, poor chap. But great to see him. So great. We’re driving out to ‘the country’ (anywhere north of Fourways) on Wednesday the public holiday for some time out and a good catch up.

Saturday: Met Ex S for breakfast in Rosebank. We had a great catch-up after his holiday in the Eastern Bloc. I think Ex S and I have finally reached a point where we can be real friends. Friends where we can talk about our personal hook-ups and break-ups. He really is still so special to me, and after all that’s happened over the last 10 months, we know now that we can be great support systems for each other. I am very happy about this.

Saturday. Fabulous. Went to a Stellenbosch braai with C and two other mates from school. Knew nobody there, it was fantastic. We were all, inclusive of Doc, very badly behaved, but then so was everybody else it seemed. Eventually I decided I’d had enough and left. That’s the great thing about being single: I can just up and leave whenever I want. By that stage all of us were getting messy anyway.

We saw a chick, at the beginning, dash from the digs from what could only be a breakfast run. Pity she did it when there were, like, 100 people there already. (“Sorry, I forgot to mention that I’m having a whole lot of people round for rugby today…I forgot to wake you before they pitched up…”)

I met a dude called Danny K (I jest you not), who taught me and my ggghays some Yiddish words: (He loved C, and since she’s half Jewish, tried to get fresh with her all day.)
Show us the front side of your (bum!) tochas!
Give me a gggghug!
Me and my mishpochas here are from Ggghimeville!

Then Danny K and C fell backwards into the jacuzzi, and a bee stung me on my left (asscheek) tocha, because I fucking sat on it. One dude was found on the floor eating, I think, dog biscuits. A mate hid a Rhodes girl’s drinks in the microwave with a sign that said “Bite Me.” The girl was severely pissed off. (I had nothing to do with it). Hilarious afternoon. Doc has got back into the swing of Joburg afternoon braais.

Then I went to the Colony for one ‘just a coke’ (I’m doing this a lot lately – teetotalling when things get rough. I think I’m growing up.) Went home to bed and got a phonecall from a mate. I won’t say who it is, because that would be telling, but this story even put me to shame and is definitely more bloggable than my weekend. I love it:

Mate: (Whispering) Peas, it’s me. Help.
(Muffled echoing sounds, like she’s standing in a broom closet or toilet cubicle.)
Peas: Dude, where are you talking?
Mate: In the bathroom. Oh my fuck, you’re not going to believe this. I am at that dinner party with Dude I’m Kind Of Seeing right? And guess who is here?
Peas: Who?
Mate: Well I’ve been placed between Guy I Kissed Last Week and Girl Who Just Kissed Another Guy I Also Kissed This Weekend. And she knows.
Peas: What! You’re joking. Just what kind of nightmare dinner party have you got yourself into?
Mate: Nightmare. Dude this is so hectic, and I’m so drunk and obnoxious right now, oh God help.
Peas: OK calm down. What Girl Who Kissed What Guy?
Mate: You know the guy I kissed this weekend? Not my date, the other guy? Well he snogged this girl too, and she’s fucking here. And I’m sitting in between them.
Peas: This is priceless.
Mate: Fuck. I have to go back and eat dessert.
Peas: Classic. Good luck with that dude. Don’t think I’d cope. This is too funny.
Mate: Shit I gotta go. I hope they didn’t hear this conversation.
Peas: It would be funny if they did though.
Mate: Bye.

Sunday. Fabulous, then not so fabulous. Had some lunch with my mummy dearest, and then the same mate I had the conversation with above, called in for a much needed cuppa with Aunty Peas. We worked out I’d been calling this dude we know by another name for the last five months.

I hit the rink with R and some other mates in the evening. This was meant to be the well-rounded Q-Tip end of my weekend. The other the two people arrived with a random poenter by their side. I squinted to see if I recognised him – and gracious God above, it was indeed someone I recognised.
It was Small Bum. Osama Bin Laden might’ve given me less of a ‘Surprise!’ vomit-reflex.

The wires got crossed, and as a result, the group dynamics had fucked up so fucking royally, I actually didn’t know what to do with myself. The whole weekend I’d managed to avoid (Small Bum) people I didn’t want to see, and he had unwittingly joined the party.

Then the mutual mate fell off a step and broke his foot. Before we’d even started skating.

Paramedics, doctors. R and Small Bum having to carry him to his car in a cast, while I had to tag along behind holding his shoes. There have been less taxing moments in my life. Probably like brain surgery and when I crashed my car. Then after delivering The Broken Foot guy to his car: me, Small Bum and R in a [tiny, claustrophobic] elevator together.

I still wanted to skate though. And R and I did. Then a girl crashed into me, pulled me down, and I landed on her chest. And fucked up my knee. It looked like I was boofing her on the ice.

Good times.


Shortypam said...

looked like u were boofing the chic on ice???? bwaahahahaha!!!! oh yeah thats funny we could make that into some kind of "boof on ice" musical... heehee. but its a conspiracy i tell you!!! maybe she wanted u to fall on her boobies, u know, she planned it, eyeing u from afar...

Peas on Toast said...

Perhaps! I just remember a tangle of arms and legs, her on her back and me slap down on her chest.

other-duke said...

chaos, sheer chaos. i love it

Third World Ant said...

I go away for one weekend, and look at the mayhem and chaos! Honestly, lass, methinks I should hang around for safety!

ps: know it's old, but I was out of town on Friday, so please let me get my two cents worth here: Anon who arrogantly assumes he/she knows exactly who Peas is: you're a dork and a moron. Peas has no insecurities about her edjacayshin whatsoever - in fact, it appears the insecurities are all yours and your Tech friend's. I mean, to suggest that Peas would view this esteemed fortress of knowledge (was it PE Tech? I forget) as an inferior one, would suggest you believe she would actually feel it's an inferior one, which on some level suggests you (and your friend) believe it's an inferior one too. Can your Rhodes brain follow that, huh?

pps: I have nothing against Rhodes and its alumni, just the one above - so sorry to other Rhodesians (?) for the snide comment above, but it's typed and aint gonna be untyped now.

Billy said...

I had a awesome weekend too.

Just call me dad......

Peas on Toast said...

Other-duke: as always. I don't think it's possible not to have an uncahotic weekend! :)

Ant - I love you guy. Did I mention that Wits is my (second) favourite university? ;)
Yes dude, you missed out on quite an hysterical conversation on Friday afternoon. No doubt it'll crop up again sometime, I'm certain.
PS: Dude I'm playing pub golf on Tuesday. Can I copy you golf ho look with the tees? (I'll credit you when I reap compliments, promise.) ;)

Peas on Toast said...


OK tell all: name? When was she (it is a she right?) born? Where? What? how?
And di you smoke the all important cigar afterwards??

Billy said...

Jacqueline was born on saturday after her monther started having contractions at the Wimpy.A persuit through Bryanstons back roads then ended in a emergency ceasarian and the start of a awesome chapter in my life.

Peas on Toast said...

Jaqueline. That's gorgeous Bill! And just think of the story you can tell her one day: ("Your mum was eating a Wimpy cheeseburger, and then we drove through Bryanston's back roads...C Section...and here you are!")

Congrats my dear. This is terribly exciting news!

Billy said...

Pics are up on my site. Im going back to the hospital now....

Billy said...

With a C. Jacqueline.

Peas: As the Blog Auntie you may call her Jax.


Peas on Toast said...

Jax, awesome. :) Give her a big kiss from Aunty Peas ok.
Will check your pics now. x

muddlepuddle said...


Now I know what I can comment on... but I've decided not to. But I am wondering if you know who I am now?

Another hilarious weekend hey Peasypoo - I love the whole skating fiasco it's top draw!

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle still don't know who you are my darling. If it has anything to do with the braai I was at on Saturday and you were one of the people? Or you knew one of the people?

muddlepuddle said...



Earth to Peasypoo???

Re emails a while back? Ringing a bell?

Was not at the braai - but I would have payed good money to see Danny K the chay fall backwards into a jacuzzi

Don said...

Jam-packed weekends are terrible. Theyr'e supposed to be relaxing and chilled so you're fresh for a new week, but




ends up the same. It's always a blast, but Mondays hurt.

Peas on Toast said...

Muddles - yes totally remember the emails...though I think the person you spoke about is a different one from the one we're talking about. I think?

Danny K was such a great chay, hey. Loved him. :)

Don - tell me about it. Thank God for the ublic holiday mid-week eh? Although, let's be honest - we're all be spending the day nursing a hangover.

kyknoord said...

Let me guess, you were trying to, but she gave you the cold shoulder?

muddlepuddle said...

No Peasypoo me and you are on a different wavelength and page altogether!

I am talking about Danny and not the Rhodes C and K!

Nevermind!!!! It's fucked my brain already!

Anonymous said...

Third World Ant are you an intellectual? I was really moved (to laughter) by your use of prose. But relax your brains shine through despite your limited grasp of English and ability to make sense in the said language. Is English your second language? Its a pity you were not around on Friday because I would have enjoyed cutting you to pieces verbally. I have some books that could help you with your language difficulties. How about the Hardy Boys by Franklin W. Dixon. Most people read these fabulous books when they are ten years old but I believe you are never too old to discover the joys of the English language in these children's detective stories. Let me know buddy and I can help you out. Which illustrious tertiary institution did you go to by the way? I hope I don't come across as an intellectual snob. That would be shameful, wouldn't it?

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - no I get you my dear, I totally do! :)

Anon - OK, firstly if you going to rip me apart, that's fine. But rip my best friend and flatmate apart and you've got war my friend.
Just so you know who you're up against: Ant is an honours chemistry graduate from Wits, which she won an award for, with English that way surpasses yours.
Just because you went to Granhamstown Tech, I wouldn't suggest bashing Ant around the earlobes because you're feeling inadequate.

When last did you get laid? (I'm going on 3 months. You're going on, what, 8 years?)

Third World Ant said...

Oy. vey. I'm not going to take on a debate about relative intellect over someone else's blog with a creep who won't even give himself/herself a blog pseudonym. For starters, I'm not sure anyone gives a flying fuck. Secondly, I'm not about to pass myself off as an intellectual - whatever gave you that impression? Thirdly, what's your problem with my Engleesh? Is it cos I spelt edjacashin with a c instead of a k? Fourthly - I'm a tWITSie, but not about to embark on a uni debate - an idiot who studied at Wits/Rhodes/UCT is still an idiot, as as an intellectual, which clearly I assume yourself to consider yourself to be.

If you have such a problem with people from particular universities (or technikons for that matter), then mate, you should get off getting off on this here proudly Ikey blog...

Go Peas! Keep the rest of us entertained with your blog of superior wit! Because we all love reading about your shenanigans, whether we come from UCT/Rhodes/Wits/funny little technikons in PE! Your rock, girl!

Peas on Toast said...

T'iamo anche mia piccola succa arancia! And as for Anonymous above, va funchulo!

Do you think he just woke up one day with a chip on his shoulder ("I say, I appear to have a chip on my shoulder...") or do'you think it's always been there?

Third World Ant said...

Sorry Anon - you're right, my Engleesh is appalling. Let me amend two lines in the above, for correctness' sake:

it should read
"...an idiot who studied at Wits/Rhodes/UCT is still an idiot, as is an intellectual..."


"You rock, girl! "

Lest you accuse me of further crimes against my second language. Cazzo!

Third World Ant said...

It would appear he has chips on both shoulders, Peas... must be quite weighed down by them too, ag shame...

Antoine said...

*chuckle* and all I managed to do this weekend was get toasted on Friday and play a reasonable round of golf on Sunday.

JHB in September!!! Roll on R&R

(and we have a bona fide flame session in the comments section... whoo hooo - HEAT!!)

Anonymous said...

Come now girls... This was just banter and I hope I didn't offend you two goddesses. It was all said in the lightest of tones. Please forgive me. I enjoy your blog and liked giving you guys a rev. We all know it doesn't matter what university you went to. It's just a friendly bit of rivalry. If you met me both of you would love me, I assure you. I am just a curious guy. As Jim Morrison once said or at leat I think he did: "I was curious that's all. I just wanted to push the bounds of reality".

Revolving Credit said...

Peas & Ant - When some guy or herd of guys is/are checking out your hot asses or salivating over your graunching antics, I don't really think it matters to the world how you spell edjacashin.

Peas - based on the todays post where a fair amount of cross snogging seems to have taken place, I have to ask: amongst your group of friends/social circle, does everyone end up snogging everyone else at some point or another??

Anon the coward - Dude stop hiding in the shadows and get a name so we know who we talking to/about.
You appear to be one of those unfortunate souls who does not add much of substance to anything. Some creative commentry would be greatly appreciated. However if it's just going to be woe-is-me and life's not fair and I'll shit on anybody cuz it make me feel better type of person, then you have my sympathies because the issues we are trying to light heartedly discuss here pales by comparison to the deep seated emotional trauma that has left it's stamp on your persona.
If all above is not the case, then stop being a dick!!

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - you're back in the Big Smoke in September! Mating season! Good times ahead my dear. :)

Anon - apology accepted. We don't keep grudges, and admittedly, we quite enjoy the banter. A lot, in fact. ;)
Hey and at least you take what you dish out. I liked that, Jim Morrison. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Anon , I retract part of the last statement based on your response - you decide which part should be retracted :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - :) No female graunching, or any graunching occurred on my part this weekend, sadly. ;) But yes, everyone snogs everyone. Eventually. It's crazy. I'm over it.


Peas on Toast said...

Rev I dig you.

But yes, I still think Anon should 'fess up to who he is, c'mon Anon we'd all love to know.
Especially if:
1) You're Unshaven or one of his mates.
2) You're one of Small Bum's mates.
3) If I've ever met you before.

Champagne Heathen said...

You do have to see the irony though in people using pseudonyms demanding an ‘anonymous’ show his/her true identity

Revolving Credit said...

Champs babe, the problem is that their are 4 regular anonymous bloggers and sometimes one never knows who is saying what.
Kinda like that TV ad when the guys trying to deliver pizza to John - and everyone name is John - like WTF

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah I see! I also occasionally wonder if strange anonymous is replying under regular anonymous's id. Not that I am too phased.

And I have NO CLUE what ad you talking about, which only indicates that I obviously am in serious need of more tv-view-slacking.

Peas, sounds like a great weekend all in all. One needs a 'quieter' one every once in awhile.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - lol!

Champs - yes, this anonymous thing is pants. But at the end of the day, who cares right? And generally a good weekend! :)

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not I am shy so i'll have to remain a mystery for a while longer. Call me Jim Morrison for the time being. Peas, I don't know the guys you are referring to. "Small Burn" -- That is an interesting name.. Pray do tell why he is called that? Peas you may or may not have met me... I don't think we have been formally introduced or anything like that...

Peas on Toast said...

OK Anon, I'm going to try and make an analysis of who you are.

You're a Rhodes graduate, and since you speak of English and journalism, I presume you're a journalist, probably at a big publishing house like Media24 or Johnnic. And you listen to the Doors. Hmmm...you're probably in your 30s. So you won't know Small Bum (ex boyfriend with small derriere), but you may know Unshaven, although he didn't do journ.

Am I close?

C said...

Howz the tochas today young peas?? Hope you have started practising your swing for tomorrow night...

Peas on Toast said...

C, my little darling poen - I fell on my tochas last night, after me and my mishpochas were hanging with the chays at the rink. :)

So excited for pub golf - I have my outfit ready to go!

(It's going to be h.a.l.a.r.i.o.u.s).

Anonymous said...

I am a journalist and you've got the Johnnic part right.. But I am 29.. Your analysis is quite good though... I don't know unshaven... Now I am the one who will sound stupid here.. What does "ex boyfriend with small derriere" mean might I ask.. - Jim

Peas on Toast said...

Jim. It means he had a small ass. Literally.

So word has it Jimbo dear, a couple of my Rhodes friends reckon you were waiting for me at the Colony on Saturday. Word has it anyway.

I'm touched. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Like, it's ok if you're doing the whole 'I'll be nasty to her like we did back in Std 2 to get her to notice me.'

You Rhodents know how to charm the ladies! :)

Bless your little cotton jock strap. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hey seriously I wasn't at the Colony on Sat night... Do your friends think they know who I am... -- Jim

Peas on Toast said...

Maybe they do, maybe they don't. :)

Revolving Credit said...

So JimBob, seeing as you're a journalist, can we expect to see a blog site sometime soon? Surely you have something to journalise.

Champagne Heathen said...

AnonJim, if you work at Johnnic then you are down the road from me. Why don't you take a stroll down here and I'll evaluate your right to be so anonymous on this site. (Peas, am I allowed to take some privileges?) Plus I'd love to see how much you can be alikened to HOT ol' Jim Morrison.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I reckon he definitely starts one. Using a real name and everything!

Champs - You're definitely allowed to take some priveleges my dear - I reckon walk into Johnnic and try and find him.