Saturday, August 05, 2006

where is he/she/it?

Speaking of controversial blogs, (are we speaking of them? Well now we are) my all-time favourite Things I Hate About My Flatmate has gone amiss. And is incredibly missed at that.

The Ant and I thought it was a girl – a very angry embittered bitch too – that wrote the blog. Until a few months ago, where he slipped up in a meek sentence surrounding loading the dishwasher in a suit bearing cufflinks with his flatmate’s dirty dishes.

The Ant: No man could ever be so angry.
Peas: Oh yes they could. Think about it – men keep stuff bottled up, he spews his angst out onto a blog. Bit like me.
The Ant: But girls wear cufflinks too.
Peas: Perhaps on the rarest of occasions.
The Ant: I bet he’s a patent lawyer or something.
Peas: Yes he’s definitely a products-orientated lawyer. He wrote an entire page about how his fridge works. He’s uses Latin terminologies everywhere.
The Ant: He’s crazy.
Peas: He’s the type of oke that’ll put an axe in your head while you’re sleeping.
The Ant: Most definitely. His writing bears serious psycho tendencies.

His last post – if indeed he is a he, 90% certain – was dated April 21, 2006. After ranting about a coke-shnarfing roommate, followed by just a plain irritating flatmate, he moved in with two other people. The last he wrote, he was particularly perfunctory, using acrimonious details previously unknown. Methinks his flatmate(s) cottoned on, found the blog and sued him, or sued him and then killed him, possibly by shoving him in the offending dishwasher and sticking it on ‘industrial wash.’ Or the likes thereof. The Ant reckons he’s started shagging his flatmate.

The Ant: I think they got drunk, had sex, and now he can’t find anything bad to write about her.
Peas: His last post was him bitching about her leaving fresh paint all over the house, ‘cos she’s an artist and her dubious nose ring.
The Ant: Even so, I’m telling you, he’s shagging her.
Peas: Well if he is, then there is still going to be chaos. Since he moved in with a couple.
The Ant: Maybe he kicked the other flatmate out.
Peas: Maybe, maybe he’s shagging the guy! He’s a poof! [ping of lightbulb] He’s GAY. G.A.Y. All this rage was pent up because he’s a flaming queen!
The Ant: [getting increasingly excited] Liberace over here wore cufflinks and frilly shirts and the whole time, and was attracted to his revoltingly messy male housemate!
Peas: Yes! Yes! No straight man talks about curtains like that!
The Ant: No man talks about his puttanesca culinary fucking pasta sauce like that! And he’s way too bitchy to be a straight man.
Peas: Way too fastidious.
The Ant: Way.
Peas: Way way.
The Ant: Extra way.
(And then she started picking at her scab.)

The man writes like God. Posts that I clearly remember include when his drunk flatmate woke him up at 3am, when she didn’t pay rent but bought him rather a packet of biscotti from an unmentioned trip to Italy, flying his roommate’s kite into a tree on purpose, the bitch about someone leaving the fridge door open, the killing of his plant by the roommate, toilet paper or lack thereof, someone eating his imported jasmine honey, the visits by the landlord, and the unclogging of said dishwasher from stray penne blocking the pipe catchment.

It’s unclear where he even lives. I managed to get out of him on a mention of an exclusively Saffa word [it was hard – he doesn’t answer any of his very-scathing comments, even when copiously suggested he move out or get an attitude-change], that he originally comes from the Eastern Cape somewhere. But now lawyer-jets between probably London and Washington DC. I’m telling you, he’s six feet under or taking it up Bourneville Boulevard. Or he has simply disemblogged.

One wonders.

42 comments:

kyknoord said...

It's just terrible when you lose a favourite. It's like when they pull a cherished product off the shelves for no apparent reason. As a substitute fix, I suggest you try Things my girlfriend and I have argued about.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kyk!
I actually saw that blog a few years back, and never returned for some odd reason. Now I will!
Thanks Kyk :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Peas,

I hear you girlfriend! I've become OBSESSED with my blogs. I can't start my work day until I've viewed my favs... a daily ritual I do even before reading my e-mails. So you must know on the odd occasions that you don't post something it just ruins my day!!!

I used to check out THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY FLATMATE on a daily basis but now I do the odd check just in case he’s posted something. I’m actually not sure now why I thought this but for some reason I always believed he was in New Zealand. I clicked straight away that he was guy… far too anal to be a chick, even a beeatch of a chick.

I love your blog, it’s like a cyber soapie… highly addictive! But the best part is you often mention areas or places which used to be part of my domain. I moved back to Durbs after 8years in Jozi and boy do I miss the place.

Keep up the great work and puleez tell Ants to update her blog more often.

PS If you don't already, you should check out DRUNKEN BASTARD MAN – hysterical – but he only updates every couple of months. A daily must is THE SUPERFICIAL.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - why thank you doll face!
Yes my blog can be described as a soapie. The scary thing is it's all 100% true. Dodgy.

I will tell Ant to update more often - I tell her myself - thing is the girl is one busy, busy bee. I'm talking off the charts busy. With her job. So the times she does update, it's usually at 2:00am after a long day at the office...

Will check out the blogs you mentioned too. Yay!
xx

jocelyn said...

Loved the Things I Hate About My Flatmate blog. The fridge post was pure brilliance! Anyway, Anonymous Lawyer is still going strong... at least there's still some bile in the universe.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas

I am very concerned about you.. I read your blog about your problems with Rhodes University types. As a former Rhodes scholar I should have been angry but I was actually sad. You see I know someone who knew you when you studied tourism management at PE Technikon. I don't know why you persist in lying about your "academic career" at the illustrious UCT. You are 25 years old now and you don't have to tell lies to fit in anymore. People who know you will still like you for who you are, not you who think you must pretend to be. Besides, your grammar is atrocious and that is a dead give away you are from the less fashionable Forrest Hill suburb in the Friendly City. Cape Town, my foot.. I know many PE girls and they all sound like you.. Give it up and be yourself.

kyknoord said...

"...Give it up and be yourself..." from Anonymous? Oh man, that's just the most delicious bit of irony I've sampled all day.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon- tourism at PE technikon?? What????
That's hilarious! I didn't even know PE had a technikon my dear.

Tell you what, if you know who I am, why don't you spell out my name?

I am not from Cape Town. I studied there. And yes on most occasions my grammar is atrocious.
But for record here are the stats on me:
I am 25 - check
I studied film and media at UCT - check
I was in Tugwell res first year - check
Moved into digs second year - check
Lived in Rondebosch for my three years there - check (Forrest Hill??)
Moved to Joburg 2003 - check
Know nothing about the tourism industry except for my own travels - check
Am originally from Natal - check
Been to PE three times in my humble 25 years - check

I won't hold it against you for getting the other details wrong, you can cross-check with Two Years In Delhi and Third World Ant if you so wish.

Where'd you get all the other info from?

Peas on Toast said...

Jocelyn - thanks my dear. He is being missed isn't he?

Kyk - yes the irony. She/he seemed so sure they knew who I was as well. Odd.

C said...

Bless your little cotone pantalones, I so didn't realise there was a res called tugwell at PE tech, and Llandudno beach in PE? and rondies bottle store...and least I forget Conties, mmmm...doubt PE tech would have survived you!! Rock on Ikey Tiger!!!

Peas on Toast said...

C - LOL!

And Barney's R2/tot nights, two for one at Greenman, Crackling at Rhodes Mem, driving my car up the first three steps of Jameson Stairs with The Dove, horrendous food in Tugwell, Long Street, wine tastings in Stellenbosch, Clifton 2 on Friday afternoons, waking up boys in Kopano and taking 3 000 metres of red roadside tape into Mraquard to give Ex S as a present. And joints on top of Tugwell.

Ikey Tigers we are. HOW FUNNY.
Do I scream PE tech or what??

Anonymous said...

I think a certain amount of irony is sexy... Gee Peas, I suppose if you tell yourself you went to UCT enough times you'll believe it. But there are a lot of us who don't and want you to be yourself. I think your blog is intelligent and pretty funny and you have a lot of potential as an entertainer. But it would be funnier if you included some anecdotes about your life in Forest Hill, Port Elizabeth. I am just trying to give you a nudge in the right direction and I hope I didn't anger you.

You should also deal with your anger about Rhodants. Were you hurt by a guy who studied at Rhodes or something? It seems like it. Let go of the anger and you'll be happy I swear. I am glad you have this "new" interest in film etc but I think a journalism degree at Rhodes University would have really helped you. Did you know that Rhodes University is one of the only university's recognised internationally. UCT is a good university too but I don't think it has the same standing in the world's eyes. And PE Tech? Well not too many people know about PE Tech except you and all the folks who live in the Friendly City.. A big shout out to all the folks in that quaint city.

Peas on Toast said...

This is so funny Anonymous I really cannot stop laughing!
("Let's teach this little Mushy Peas a lesson - we know where she's from, oh ye we do! She's going DOWN.")

Can I send you my academic records from UCT?
Or perhaps give you my student number?
Or scan you in my degree?

Email me, and I'm willing to give you all the details you need.

As for Rhodes, I wouldn't worry. Yes someone hurt me, but I'm over it now.

PS: Are you for real?
I cannot stop giggling. You've made my day. I'm being dead serious.

Peas on Toast said...

PS: I also think this stem's from UCT-envy my dear.
Don't worry, everyone has it. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas,

I've just read all the comments from the other anon. And i really dont think you should take it to heart, even if you are from PE.
I have several friends that grew up there and I've always overlooked their upbringing because its whats on the inside that counts.
But, i must say i went to Rhodes too and you didnt think that you could slag us off and we'd just nod and smile did you?
On that note, i suggest you attend more Rhhodes parties.
Who knows you might even get laid (i read your past entry about not having seen a condom in 5 months).
Rhodes guys are not discriminating at all.

Ramone Allones said...

anon,

It is no wonder then that i have yet to meet a Rhodes GRADUATE in my chosen profession. though i have met many Rhodes graduates acting like SCHOLARS at "the knee" in johannesburg which peas has been known to frequent along with her mates from UCT.

Anon, to quote the bard, "perhaps the lady doth protest to much" are you from PE Tech?

Peas on Toast said...

Other Anon -
Again my dear, if I grew up in the lovely PE, I certainly wouldn't have a problem saying so. The Natal Midlands isn't anything to write home about, but it still gets a mention every now and then.

Also, and I've said this before as well, I know not all Rhodes men are pricks. This is my venting page, and I didn't mean to offend people who are from there that I don't know, and who are in fact decent people. I've been to enough Rhodes parties to know this.

OK and for the record: here is my stack of Bibles - I swear on my mother's life I did not attend PE Tech/grow up in PE/Spend more than a weekend here or there in the place. I'm sure it's lovely nonetheless.

If you both (Both anons) that is have a serious problem with me and where I am from, start by stating who you are (anon is a cowardly way of commenting, see) and then we can talk.

Happy happy Fridays!

Anonymous said...

Hey Anon friend

Thanks for the shout out to all the PE folks... Respect!. And my little pea pod, I am always for real. I wish I was envious but spirituality comes easy to me and I have left jealous and envy behind. I am really sorry you were crushed by a Rhodes guy. I am a Rhodes guy and I would have entertained you for hours playing John Denver on my guitar. How about "Annie's Song"... What beauty... Rock on John in heavan.

Peas this is exactly what I am talking about.. You don't have to prove yourself to me or anyone else by emailing fake documents to us. I am just saying think about the damage the lies are doing. Maybe we will meet like ships in the night at the Colony Arms when myself and the rest of the Rhodes crew are letting our hair down and wasting daddy's money. Bring your "degree" with you if you want...

Peas on Toast said...

PS: 2,5 months. That's how long I haven't seen a condom dear. Let's not exaggerate now.

;)

You're forgiven, even so.

Phil said...

This PE bashing MUST stop. Peas incidentally there IS a BARNEY's in PE as well.....but have no fear...I am on your side and believe you are a Nataland then CT girl. PE girls are special all right - I married one so I know this (ok divorced now but you get the point)....but my experience with CT girls has NEVER been bad at all!

Revolving Credit said...

I smell a hint of alumni envy!

Anon the Confused : Let me confirm that Miss Peas is in fact an Ikey, not a Rhodent.

I think this may be a vicious plot by the Rhodes School of Journalism to lay claim to this blog.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - John Denver hey? That's sweet.

:)

OK well I guess it'll just be my word you'll have to take.
As I said, if you're interested, I'll give you my student number and you can look me up on UCT ulumni list. Either you have me mistaken with someone else, or you're taking the piss.

I presume the latter. You Rhodes boys are always full of fun.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Phil. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I can see it now: all the Rhodes people got together over a drink and were like, "This Peas must be taught a lesson. I know! Let's get her back up by saying she's from PE tech!"

It's not getting my back up though, it's just making me laugh really hard.
You Rhodes people are the best, thank you. :)

ATW said...

'Strewth Anon #1. You're a hoot, great medicine for a Friday pm. Peas from PE!!!!@$..good god she freaked when she got picked up by a date with a canoe on his car-roof (Come to think of it PE people could do with some canoes right now). Besides she has already owned up to being born in a place more sleepy than PE so she's certainly not trying to ignore her roots.

And a Rhodes scholar to boot. I am most impressed.

Anon#1 & 2. Rhodes alumni are great though. Even if they (especially the girls) do speak so loudly. Maybe it's because most of the conversation in Grahamstown takes place in noisy pubs? Between the lines Peas really loves you guys and I am thinking of putting a bet on whether Peas is going to end up marrying one of you?

Happy weekend all.

Revolving Credit said...

Fuck, this is like Inter-Varsity rugby??
Next we'll be float building!!!
Either way, people usually get drunk and get laid.
Hhmm...think I should go study again..what a jol.

Peas on Toast said...

ATW - yes. the canoe thing. :)
Ha ha ha, you make me laugh dear. Marrying one them?? That's hysterical. Maybe we can buy a house together in Forrest Hill, PE.
:)

Rev - lay claim to my blog-Rhodes people. Funny you say that, I found reference to my blog on a Rhodes University website the other day.
That was irony! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Hey, I once went to the Grahamstown Festival - does that qualify me as a graduate of the School of Fine Art or maybe the Music College???

If so, I need to complain as I'm not receiving my copy of the Alumni Newsletter!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Rev. Bugger the Rhodes alumni newsletter - you can pick up a free and fantastic copy at the UCT Michaelis School of Fine Art on Orange Street.
They're great like that. ;)

Retro_Girl said...

oh my good god, WTF? rhodes SCHOLARS are crazy, indeed. maybe they should be "downgraded" (or in some cases upgraded) to PRE-SCHOOLERS! flipping hilarious way of forming a "lets cut peas down to size" conspiracy...

whatever, this alumni-hatred is slightly petty. [by the way, i'm a matie, with all the tassies-implications]

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, I see Kulula is having a winter clearance sale - flights from R199. Have a look, it may be of benefit if you're looking to claim your Date-the-Kyk prize.

Marika said...

Oh my word,enough with the Rhodes talk! Went there myself and got a so called journalism degree and so what? When we all leave our respective varsities we're all in the same boat and bugger it what varsity u went to if u have the skills and "experience" you're a-ok! I think whoever "anon" is has too much time on their hands and needs to get a life coz damn!

Peas on Toast said...

Retro - Maties people rock! You can totally stay. :)
C and I have decided to attend more Maties parties after last Friday. ;)

Rev - I heard! Fantastic! Must liaise with Kyk on this one! Yippee!

Marika - you rock too my dear. You can also totally stay. :)

ATW said...

Revolving - I'm with you the intervarsity sports. my liver's still recovering.

Interblog down-downs this pm anyone?

Phil said...

No need to thank me Peas... having the "cyber hots" for you makes it impossible to say anything nasty!

Ah the G-town festival. Many of us PE folk left more than a few dead brain cells there over the years!

Gluhwein from street vendors is a particularly pleasant memory - and bloody necesssary as the weather could freeze the tits off a Polar Bear down there!!!

Phil said...

Hope you ALL have a super weekend. And lets all be glad we not homeless in this weather. Got a great sms last night from a buddy:
"I am so pissed off with all my friends who cannot handle their alcohol. Last night the idiots dropped me THREE TIMES while carrying me to my car"

BRILLIANT!!!

Revolving Credit said...

ATW - I'm in. My practice round starts this afternoon @ four-thirsty.
Am still trying to overcome the headache generated by last nights cheap wine and the best way is to just jolt the system with a shooter or 2!

Peas on Toast said...

Intervaristy, I mean interblog down-downs - I'm in!!!!
Pass the keg someone! :)

REv, Phil and Wit - love you guys. xxx

Revolving Credit said...

Helmut - we may not be homeless, but if this interblog down-downs get started I think we may get motherless!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Peas,

It was the first time I read his / her blog... must say I am glad I don't have room mates like that. (not that I have room mates)

I wouldn’t be to worried... coz according to his archives he was missing in action for almost six months.

Love ya Blog...

Anon 2

Peas on Toast said...

Anon 2 - thanks sweetpea!
Yes, not so sure if I'd want to shack up with a roommate like that either. Still, was very entertaining.

other-duke said...

I doubt it had anything to do with the callous comment you left on the fridge blog ;)