Thursday, September 07, 2006

death in november

I’m properly fucked. Literally. Well not literally, because then I would’ve said ‘I was fucked’ and probably would’ve said something more preferable and upbeat, perhaps along the lines of I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT, WOO HOO.

But no. Not even. Because I can foresee my death. And it’s not pretty.

Bloody R has gone and entered me into the 94.7 cycle race for November. You know, the 100 km thing around practically the whole province. The little bastard obviously wants to kill me, and I think we can all presume that 19 November, date of Race From Hell, will be the day I die of lung-related death. Because the last time I did any cardio was running after Third Roommate last weekend with coffee cake to smoosh into his hair in a food fight, and after ten metres, dropped down gasping for breath, blue in the face, foaming at the mouth.

The email:
Congratulations Peas! You are number Z999 for the Highveld 94.7 Cycle Tour! Best you start training, because your poen is going to take a hammering on that seat.
Have a fantastic day!
R.


I had to read it twice. Who would do that to me? Doctor Death here obviously. R is the Grim Reaper, who is meant to be mate. I’m going to throttle him.

Moogs, on hearing I am to get on a bike and attempt 94.7 kilometres of death, emailed me too:
This is going to be interesting. Peas on a bike…. (evil smirk).
This will be a sight to behold.
How are your “riding” skills? Or need I not ask….Moogs xx.
[You just asked, you redundant man. And no my “riding” skills have ceased to exist. Sexually or otherwise. – Ed]

Jack Rock said he’d rather have an anal probe thrust up his bottom than do the race again. Ex S said: “You’ll never make it. You WILL die. What the hell are you thinking?”

Thanks folks. BECAUSE I DON’T REALISE THIS ALREADY. I am a woman staring death in the face, and it’s not pretty chaps. Well, the funeral should be interesting. (“Yip. She kicked the bucket on a bike hey. Keeled over, coughed up a handful of alveoli, bled from the mouth and like just pegged, there on the intersection of Jan Smuts and Bompas.”)

I don’t own a bicycle. I have, however, a helmet, smattered in Barbie stickers from when I owned a BMX twenty years ago. I’m not gong to buy a bike, since that would be futile. Buy a bike, die on it, and then leave bike-debt for my family to endeavour. That would just be unfair, especially after going through the trauma of identifying my body for autopsy clad in cycle shorts.

I’m trying to rope in C to do it with me. She’s sort of half-keen, but about 3 000% fitter than I am. Also trying to rope in my step-dad who is skeptical, because he also thinks he might die. And leaving my mum partnerless and childless is just cruel.

My ass is on fire just thinking about this.
What annoys me the most is I have go and change my whole frigging lifestyle now. I’m not ready to let go of my binge-drinking, smoke-myself-retarded lifestyle just yet. Fuck’s sake. Now I have to, like, you know, get fit and stuff.

I’ll be fucked if I’m going to do this smiling.

So pissed off right now.


PS: N dropped in for a glass of wine last night while I had a good sulk. And then C dragged me to the Jolly Roger for a glass of wine. We’re on detox until the weekend. That’s right. At least we didn’t drink Jagerbombs, so lay off already.

40 comments:

Daytripper said...

you know, I am begining to think that the only way to avoid the chaos that the road closures this race involves cause, is to actually take part... so maybe I will join you!

Billy said...

I was actually considering it myself. Although right now im about as unfit and useless as i have ever been.

Peas on Toast said...

OK chaps, If I'm going to do it, you're going to HAVE to do it. Deal? :)

Anonymous said...

Hey peas. Riding it is not the end of the world, its a lot easier than running it!!! Good luck, you will be fine if you do a bit of exercise

Suavé said...

So...erm...why dont you just NOT do it? No-ones got a gun to your head. Or do they?

Revolving Credit said...

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.....

Slight problem here Peas - you don't even have a bicycle!

Lets look at what your have:
1x Entry into cycle race

Lets look at what you don't have:
0 x bicycle
0 x cycling gear
0 x fitness

based on the above you're about to radically change your social life, indulge in not just fitness training but physical torture
and on top of all of this, if and when you do finish the race, all you'll have to show for it is a bruised Poen.

If its going to cause you so much anguish, just cancel or ignore the entry.

Other-J-in-IT said...

Jesus you're so fucking overdramtic!

The ONLY unfortunate downside I see with you changing your lifestyle and getting slightly fit is that you'll have to curb your crazy antics providing us with fewer laughs...

I've seen guys smoking cigarettes while riding the Argus cycle tour - you'll be fine.

Third World Ant said...

I suspect my morning running duo is going to have to become a morning running trio! 3rm will LOVE this!

C said...

peas, after a good start to our training session last night, and hell in the office today (anything to get my mind off work), I'll do it with you if you can find a bike for me! Ignore all the negativity...think mozam body!

Crusoe said...

Peas all you have to do is get on a bike a few times before you do it. Just get your legs and your butt used to riding.

I just started riding so will be doing 94.7 for the first time. One of the dudes who works with me is fucking Lance Armstrong so he makes me ride in the mornings and drink disgusting energy goo out of sachets.

I would rather train a bit before the race so that I don't completely hate it. I couldn't give a shit how long it takes, as long as I don't vomit! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Hey chaps!

Well I realise I could ignore my entry of course, but then I'd probably end up feeling shite for not rising to the challenge. I'm pretty dran competitive like that: always rise to the challenge! So at the end of the day, I'm going to have to put in some serious training work. Sigh. I guess only ONE party a week now. Crap.

PS: Jin-IT: Yes of course I'm being overdramatic! Hello! This is me we're talking about!

Sunchaser said...

Lance Armstrong has a boyfriend? Or is it just casual fucking?

Champagne Heathen said...

Rather you than me. I won't even get out of bed to be one of those supporters to hand you cyclists styrofoam cups of water, as that takes too much effort and energy.

Be like a friend of mine and conveniently get a groin cramp everytime you are close to the physio tents filled with young hot physios. (Maybe you should just phone ahead and find out how many young hot MALE physios will be working that day).

Anonymous said...

Well...to cut a long and painful story short, I did the 94.7 for the first time last year and it is...well...painful and by no means short!!! Saying this, and taking all training (or in my case lack of it beforehand) into account, the day is still enjoyable (once you're done) and the achievement factor does scrape the surface of the pain you will endure while climbing the endless hills on the Krugersdorp highway....sounds pretty bleak doesnt it? BUT after saying all of that, I will still be doing it again this year and I guess that either makes me stupid or just plain competetive as well!! Lets meet at the finish and funnel a beer or 3...

Crusoe said...

Sunchaser - I think it's just casual. That kind of thing doesn't lend itself to a comfortable time in the saddle!

Revolving Credit said...

Crusoe: That would depend on which role Lance is fulfilling(interesting word - fulfilling).
His name is 'Lance' after all.

Peas on Toast said...

OK, who's up for Frank The Tank funnelling at the end of my race with me??

I'll be the half dead cretin, crawling in, in dire need of alcohol and hot physios.

Choosy said...

Peas, I was getting caught up in the moment and almost pitched in an offer to do it too. Luckily I read that comment from Anonymous who said that you have to cycle through Krugersdorp??? Fat chance. I'd rather lick the floor of the Mandog after a particularly hot Friday night. :-)

Nessers said...

Relax heheh. They give you something like 6 hours to finish it and if you don't reach a certain pint of the race by a certain time they send a sweeper car to come get you. Its a huge amount of fun and if you do an average speed of 17kmph you will do it in under 5 hours so take lots of water and suncreen and have a blast. I am doing it also at I can tell you honestly that the last 20km are the worst hehehe

other-duke said...

if jeremy mansfield can do it, so can you.

Revolving Credit said...

Jeremy Mansfield probably has a bike

Peas on Toast said...

I love these mixed reactions - yip Choosy, the Krugersdorp thing is a little hectic for sure! And Jeremy and I can perhaps come in together at the back. :)
Nessers, love the sweeper car idea too - hope it starts from the beginning and is willing to pick me up after 10 kms. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Doc sent me an email to say he has an old bike in his parents' garage which he used in the 94.7 last year: so I may have a bike! Yay!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas as part of your training you're either going to have to get laid more often or you'll have to draft a regular whacker training plan. Logic is you'll have to toughen up the poen if you're going to try and spend all that time in the saddle.

'Hey, wanna shag, its in aid of Highveld Stereo'

Ramone Allones said...

Ha hah ah… well now we all know what to get you for your birthday, either:

1. cycling gear
2. respirator

good luck, what you need is a tandem, with R in the front and you on the back puffing away… on a cigarette that is!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yip that's what R reckons, cheeky little bugger. I need to prepare my poen. God, have you ever? :)

Ramone - oh lord, cycling stuff! I'm so excited I can barely contain myself! :)
Lol! ("Awesome!!!! Thanks so much...I love bicycle pumps...)

Shortypam said...

im sorry to hear this peas, im feeling exhausted jus thinking bout it, but a good way to become as fit as a er... harpy is to boof, boof, boof... this burns calories like u cant believe!!! try be ontop most of the time then ul give ur thigh muscles a good workout.

Anonymous said...

This is all very inspiring. Think it's a great challenge. Seriously considering doing it myself - even though i also don't own a bicycle and don't knw when last I actually rode a bike...but just imagine after all the training and 100km - you will be properly prepared for Summer.

Crusoe said...

"prepare my poen" - hahahahaha. I think a little salt & pepper mix, some Rosemary, garlic, and lemmon butter. Gently wrap it all in some tin-foil and pop it in the oven for 3 hours! Juicy and tender - never tasted anything like it!! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty my babe, if I had something to boof besides an inanimate object, trust me, I'd be boofing it. :)

Anon - Do it! Challenge?

Crusoe - Mate. I'm gobsmacked. Braised/roasted poen? Is this a delicacy in your part of the world? ;)

Crusoe said...

Peas, don't knock it till you tried it! :)

However, if you spend 6 hours in the saddle your poen will be toast (which is pretty boring without some jam or peanut butter and syrup!)

Steeler said...

Peas, describe your inimate object.. name a colour.

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - perhaps I should rename my site Poen on Toast. Or Peas Is Toast. ;)

Steeler - how about we do this - you describe yours first.

Steeler said...

Can you picture a babies arm holding an apple? Now ur turn..

Crusoe said...

Hell no, "Peas on Toast" will be even more apt on November 19th when you are sitting on it :)

Crusoe said...

Steeler - surely the baby would be holding the apple in it's hand???

Peas on Toast said...

Steeler - I can imagine a balding shvitzy nutcase sitting in front of his computer all day long searching for chat porn.
Or perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe you're actually Jake Gyllenhaal?

Crusoe - All I can think of is roasted poen. It's not good big guy. ;)

Steeler said...

Ur on your game Crusoe, what was I thinking!!

Crusoe said...

Peas, George's on 4th do a wicked roast lamb so picture that - but as poen! I'm making it worse hey? ;)

Side of veg please!

zuzula said...

blimey - what a crazy idea! i'll see you in the pub afterwards ;)