Third Roommate: [Swings front gate back and forth]
Peas: What are you doing?
Third Roommate: Notice anything?
Peas: No. Just that you’re acting retarded.
Third Roommate: No squeak! Listen, no squeak!
Peas: There was a squeak?
Third Roommate: Yes there was a squeak! A fucking loud squeak. So I sorted it out. Being the handyman around here and all.
Peas: What you sort it out with?
Third Roommate: Sunflower oil.
Peas: Thanks mate. If you going to be known as Handyman Sam, please put the Marmite and Flora back in the fridge when you’re done. It’s been sitting there all night.
Third Roommate: That wasn’t me.
Peas: Then who the fuck was it?
Third Roommate: OK it was me.
Right so here’s the thing. Our single’s dinner is coming up next week. I feel like I’m in Std 9 again. Not a good feeling, considering Std 9 was filled with angst and teenage complexities regarding memories still terrifyingly fresh of my mother making me a silver bright-as-tinfoil dress for a school formal dinner. I was a walking frigging disco ball. Horrific.
Here is the update on single’s dinner thus so far:
1) We were, until recently, freaking the fuck out.
2) Klo insists her [beautiful] matric ball dress will fit me. (Recent ice cream binge aside?)
3) Klo and E2 have hooked up with their prospective partners. They kind of have boyfriends now.
4) My partner is the mate I wasn’t so sure I wanted to take a few weeks ago, because he is, well, a mate.
5) Now I’m certain I want to take him.
6) It’s none other than…drumroll… Certain Someone.
7) What changed in my attitude between last week and now might have something to do with a certain Tupperware of trout.
8) And that our sexual tension seems to have suddenly spiraled out of control. Perhaps it’s just my sexual tension that’s spiraled out of control. And his is just lying dormant under that rugged, masculine exterior of hotness.
9) Crap. He’s my mate. What if I’m reading all the wrong signs? And he’s just being a mate? And I’m being a dodgy hornbag? Crisis.
10) Crap. I need to look fucking exquisite.
PS: This is how I invited Certain Someone. First I called him and sort of mentioned that I’d invite him had I not found a potential hot, single oke between then and now. Then I sent him this email:
Dude
Please keep 7 October open for that formal dinner. If you stand me up, I'll be properly f%cked. Oh and get your suit dry cleaned, you need to wear something pretty. Scrub up. We’re all wearing dresses.
Thanks doll.
In retrospect, that was pretty rude. But I think he knows how grateful I am to have him come along with me. I’m so excited to see him in a suit. Hopefully coupled with a crispy white shirt.
49 comments:
To all girls:
When you are agonising over how-to-sound-casual-but-actually want-to-bonk-the-socks-off-a-boy emails, there is in fact, a too
informal greeting.
It is the word 'Dude'.
:)
Peas, I know this has absolutely nothing to do with sunflower oil(which by the way will only work for about a week and then the creak will return), your boyfriend(hehe) and his 'crispy' white shirt or even the fact that you'll be getting some real soon but have I told you how much you make my day! You're great! Okay that's that. You're getting no more from me.
Good luck with your date too. :)
Pete - LOL. I know. In order to stop the madness, I have decided to make a concerted effort to stop calling him Dude.
Dude isn't going to get me laid. :)
Suave - thanks my precious little dollface! You make my day treblefold. When will the Ant and I get to leave notes on the real Suave Vespa I wonder?
Peas, dude, you're not reading the signs wrong at all. After last weeks late night 'How do I get to place X in Rosebank' when he could have called the people he was meeting, it's a done deal, he so wants to rip off your cotton doondies and ravish your hot body. Party dress and all.
Peas has a boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend...
Did you know that before olive oil became all trendy, it was sold in teeny tiny bottle in chemists as an aid to get things out of small kids' ears?? That's almost definitely all true!
Oh, and while I'd usually agree that "Dude" is more jock-buddy than f*ck-buddy, it hasn't seemed to have ruined anything (hence the fish and direction phone call). So, way-hey-hey- (or something) Peas is gonna get some!
I wonder...
It's a rather elusive little Vespa it is. Usually found leaving homes(of pretty gurls - HAHA I keed, I keed!!) rather than drinking holes.
When will I leave a note on the Fuzzy Diced VW Beetle...I still wonder. :)
Kate and Rev - I love you guys, but doods [sic], what if I don't get any? God I'll be more embarrassed than frustrated.
Not that I want to sleep with him after one dinner. But a snog and a slap and tickle would be very welcome anyway. ;)
PS: Kate, interesting stuff there about olice oil. Did you know that calomine lotion is actually edible and is used for those with extreme trachiotitis?
No. I can't back that up. ;)
Suave - best you leave a note on Ludwig if you ever see himparked outside a drinking hole and/or hot oke's house. :)
Oh it's prolly going to get yu laid just fine - Blow the dinner off and have a romp when he picks you up.
Well then, just lunge him :)
I agree - just lunge!
Calomine, huh? Well that just reminds me that cocoa butter used to be a dark tan colour and was used by actors in the 19th and early 20th centuries when they had to play a "native" character. I read it somehwere so it must be true! :)
Dont start being so coy - you're brash and brazen Peas. We want to hear you screaming from the cyber-rooftops "I'm Peas, and I'm gonna get some!!!!"
Maybe if you first hog-tie him, you can just have your way.
I could lunge. Give me a couple of kinatsies and I probably would. Givent he right signals.
Oh the pressure.
Help. I need a gin and tonic.
Is that pressure, sexual tension or the stress of anticipation.
Champers and Koekie - Koeks, I cannot comment on your blog posts today! Don't know why- but it doesn't load. I have so much to say, also in light of Chris Roper. Met him at the DCI. Nice chap that Chris Roper. :)
Champs - I posted a comment and it never came up. Frsutration.
REv - Pressure. To look good and lunge good. Oh God oh God, what if nothing happens? Then I'll look like a right chop.
i want to know who Certain Someone is!
*strolls off humming 'love is in the air'... *
But when something does happen, maybe we should get champs to dip into that crate and get you a handfull of condoms, just in case.
Maybe you should try some practice lunging with Certain Someone this weekend so you don't have that initial lunge fear coupled with the stress and expectation associated with the Singles Supper evening.
Flip, Peas. I'm jealous. You get to get all frocked up with the added bonus of the potential of getting, well, um, frocked...it's delicious!
Zu - you'd die if I told you. ;) Perhaps all will be revealed. But only if I come right! ;)
Rev - not a bad idea. Let's see if I bump into him this weekend...
Dloce - I know, the possibilities! Either way if nothing happens, it's still a a great excuse to get all dolled up. And I love getting dolled up. :)
Actually that cocoa butter thing I saw on a tv programme yesterday, and the actor being interviewed actually used the word "native" without any irony or embarrassment!
But that is besides the point. What was my point again? Oh, more shouting, less doubt!
Kate - Loving your Did You Knows. Did you know that eating too many avocados irritates the epiglottis?
Can't back it up. But still sounds feasible to me...
Avocados are evil, an early mis-translation of the bible lead to the silly apple belief when truly it was an avo that started this whole crazy mess.
And if you think about it, it makes sense, right?! What's not good about apples?
Let's play 20 questions.
First two:
1) Is Certain Someone tall?
2) Does he wear glasses?
Now take a deep sip on that g n' t...
APPLES ROCK!
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise Kate. :)
Jam
1) Yes, about 6 ft 3 or so?
2) No.
tee hee. I'm off to drink up a lunchtime g 'n t. Fast and furiously!
Ah, you've been cursed with my yesterday's problem. Which post were you commenting on? The Crate of Condoms commentary one or today's mindless but success one?
Hey, Rev, careful of just giving away my condoms here!!. Let alone needing to check how many are left lying at the bottom of the crate, maybe I need the rest for this w.end of thank-god-I'm-free-and-return-to-irresponsibility!
Maybe I'll just pass by the Dept. of Health on my way to also indulge in a liquid lunch & pick up another crate in case Peas gets any with her new (though not so new) man.
hmmm. i'm so intrigued! is it someone you've mentioned often on your blog?
Guys I love how you're claiming this poor Uncertain Someone as my boyfriend. It's priceless - since he's not! :)
Champs - The Condom Crate post. Blogger or The Net in general is up to shit.
god, and he's tall
*sobs*
If you tell me he has flashing green eyes, I'm going to stab myself with a pencil
Zu - finger on lips. :)
Dolce, put the pencil down dollface.
You're in luck.
He has dark brown eyes. ;)
Peas, stop masterbating on the blog while thinking about your boyfriend!! take it someplace private.
Drink up grrrl.
3) Does he dress like an engineer?
4) Does he drink?
Rev - Now, would I be that obscene? ;)
Jam
1) Sometimes. I've spoken to him about that fleece thing he wears sometimes. But usually, when he goes out, he looks great. Jean pant and normal-looking shirt. :)
2) Yes. I can get him plastered. It's the master plan.
LOL
------>Now, would I be that obscene
We thinks you might, oh Ms Peas'ness!
LOL!
Exactly. Was just wondering what you would have to take off once you'd gotten him well plastered.
;-)
Jam - I like the way you think. :)
Dolce - You're right. I'm not kidding anybody by pretending not to be obscene.
How's that pencil? Is it back in the stationery drawer? ;)
Peas, I refer to your comment above to Zuz. Draw your own conclusions.
* I sorted out my front door hing with olive oil and it's been fine for months. nice one 3RM
* your anguish over not being sure if your 'mate' feel the same way about you sounds tremendously like the movie Human Traffic. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and rent it! anyone here seen it?
* if he wears that crisp white shit, it'll be the last singles dinner you attend
O-D: you're a riot my friend. :)
I love Human Traffic. One of my favourite movies actually. (Ex S got it in the 'divorce', but I've seen it plenty of times)
The thing is he's mate, but there are other complications I can't go into now. They're sort-of minor, but let's see.
If he wears a crispy white shirt, he'll be devoured alive.
;)
i spent the best part of a year watching that film over and over - back in my clubbing days :)
peas, this really is killing me. any clues?
Aye, pencil back in the drawer...
....but still bitter....
*sigh*
Zu - Also watched it a helluva lot at varsity.
Clues? OK, something cryptic: He has more than one name.
I say no more! :)
Dolce - Don't be babe. I haven't even got lucky yet. ;)
Raelly?
More than one name as in 'Boy Friend Someone' or 'Boy-Friend Someone'?
I say NOICE ONE BRUVAAA!!!
HAHA, that will never get old.
Time to drink. This week can now end.
okay... and does he read this?
I have ze friend called Old Media, who has ze friend called Sis Beatrice. Tommorrow she will offer advice to Peas in the ST on p2.
Post a Comment