Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Aace, snackwich machines, pies for breakfast

We went to The Mandog on Friday. If it’s not a different experience when your arms and lips are attached to someone else’s and you’re not scoping out the meat market. We were standing on the top balcony overlooking the throng of skimpily-dressed individuals dancing down below and I threw a piece of ice on a guy’s head. You know, just to check if it bounced.
It did.

Well. He marched upstairs and:
Dude: [Addressing Sort Of Guy] China! Did you just throw me wiff a piece of ice [aace]?
Guy: No. And neither did she.
Dude: You bladdy well did throw me wiff a piece of aace, don’t bladdy deny it bru.
Guy: Dude, fucking relax. I can’t believe you walked up here to ask us that.
Dude: Fucking don’t tell me to bladdy relax bru. No one throws me wiff a piece of aace and gets away wiff it where I come from china.
Guy: Where do you come from?
Dude: That’s none of your bladdy business!

By now they’re shouting at each other, puffing out their chests, and it looks like Steroid Dude is about to punch Guy I’m Seeing wiff a bladdy fist.

I am starting to yell too:
Stop, guys, stop. Hey! Stop. Stoppit! Hey!

My hands are holding both of them apart – like a traffic cop, I have one hand on Guy and one on Dude – keeping their chests apart.
Hey! Stop! Both of you. Christ it’s just …aace. Stop!
He went down stairs eventually, not wiffout throwing us wiff a hairy aaball first.

I saw my pops on Saturday. He was only down for one night. During the middle of my fatherly meeting, I suddenly thought about the sandwich toaster. And wondered whether I’d actually switched it off after a toasted cheese that morning. Fuck.

Was my apartment going down in smoke? Was Chad being combusted because of my own stupidity? Was there a fire engine outside, with firefighters using the jaws of life to penetrate the iron gate to get in and dowse the raging inferno? Would anyone even notice?

Fuck. I drove like a mad women home, only to get stuck in a 40 minute traffic jam on the M1 because everyone was rubbing-necking a bloody accident on the embankment next to the road. I sat with millions of rubber-neckers schvitzing like a Baltic pole vaulter after winning the gold.
That is stress.
Like no other. Sitting in a traffic jam, while trying - desperately, irrationally, catatonically - to get home to the snackwich machine while imagining my house being engulfed by flames.
I was properly stressing.
Luckily, luckily, it was off. Yikes.

I rode a 40-kayer on Sunday. Correct. On a bike, with padded pants and no back breaks with my cycle-crazy colleague. At the fart’s of sparrows – 6 am. Fuck around. I didn’t stop to smoke/cough up lung butter/throw a temper tantrum – although it does feel as though I’ve been impaled with a blunt instrument. Afterwards Guy I’m Seeing offered to take me for breakfast.

We were driving behind each other merrily along – and by now I’m fucking starving – until he veered off somewhere like a poen and because he left his phone at home, we missed each other.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses breakfast.

Feverishly, we both drove around, looking for each other in the greater Melville-Auckland Park area. Eventually, I got severely hacked off. And started to cry. I was that hungry, and my starvation was just manifested by frustration. Sobbing, I bought a pie. And drove home completely fucked off, only to find him on the road.

It was rather funny. I didn’t even want breakfast anymore – but he took me along regardless. It was wonderful. Bless his cute little boxer shorts. Then we spent the latter of the day at his folk’s house in Westcliff – a gorgeous house on the hill – they were away. We watched David Attenborough’s account of strange copulation methods in nature (fish that fuck each other on leaves, that sort of thing) on the Discovery Channel.
We had a lovely doo doo; he played his guitar and I played the piano.

Came up for air and met C at the Jolly last night, for some pizza smashing.

PS: Very nice to have met you on Saturday Other-Duke!

41 comments:

Peter Barlow said...

Wow Peas, I wish i could say my weekend was as eventful as yours! ;-) sounds like this guy you are seeing is quite a find wanting to defend your ice-throwing honour from a steroid filled China...and take you to breakfast and the like!

I also wonder if I have turned my snackwich machine off...but luckily Grahamstown is small enough for me to rush home and check whenever hehe, come on, a small town has to have some advantages to it. I am glad yours was off and your beloved wasn't combusted!

Other-Duke said...

I also saw that accident.. Luckily, thanks to the rubberneckers, i missed auto africa and had a fab lunch at Melrose Arch.

Well done on finishing the race, it's more than i would have managed.

It was great meeting you too!

Peas on Toast said...

Peter - "So here I am at the Rat...drinks are flowing...the chicks are hot...everything's great...oh FUCK. I left the snackwich machine on. Runs to car, goes two blocks down the road...to discover it is, in fact, off. :)

O-D - Did you end up at the Mandog big guy?

Peter Barlow said...

Peas: Something like that! ;-) hehehe although in my case its more like *gasp* 4 Grahamstown "city" blocks!

Koekie said...

Peas we are one and the same. I also had a drizzle this weekend - probably also had to do with hunger. And definitely hormones (on my part)

Glad the beast got fed ;-)

ChewTheCud said...

you just threw ice at someone to see if it bounced ?!?!? lady you gonna get yourself or your psuedo boyfriend killed doing shit like that - or bounced at the very least. lucky for you that club is tame.

Revolving Credit said...

Morning all

So Peas, how's your dad doing? Is he planning on causing chaos with your aunt?

Carlz said...

i think i run home at least twice a week to check that i turned my hair iron off!! the one time i dont go home to check, i burn a v shape into my table! oh dear!

Jam said...

I am terrible with this. I often suddenly have panic attacks about leaving hair iron / stove on, only to return to discover that actually I've turned them off. Well done on getting through the 40km!

Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - I saw your blog entry my dear - let's feed the beast with lots of crying! Although mine can't be blamed on PMS. ;)

Chew - hey, sometimes you gotta push the limits of curiosty. Hopefully this cat won't be killed...

Rev - Aunty and mum went on a spontaneous road trip up north, but are pulling through to my place for a couple of nights this week. Pops seems ok, besides flirting outrageously with our lunch waitress... :)

Carlz - V-shapes could make some interesting post-modern patterns on your formica (?) tables. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it was so nice to see you happier and healthier on Saturday dollface! I hope everything sorts itself out. xxx

Billy said...

Morning Peas and Co.
Well done on the 40k's Peas! I managed to throw up 8 times between the Dome and my lift home after Live. Another kind of achievement to yours but one i am none the less proud of.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy parked eight tigers! Brillaint Bill - did you give your mate's car racing stripes??

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Don’t throw people with ice.
They might *moer* you.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - Lesson duly learnt. ;)
Ertjie xx

Billy said...

Can’t remember. Last i recall is the laying of the tiger at the base of the bushes outside the Woolies entrance and then my bed. Everyone seems to be talking to me so i presume i never had any direct hits on mates or possessions. I may have found a new way to relieve the stomach bug doing the rounds by the way; it does require a rock concert and a ton of booze though.

bobajob said...

a nice doo-doo??

I take it your virginity hasn't grown back then? Well Done

Anonymous said...

Crikey, what is it about this weekend and crying?

ok, yes, you and Koekie both have your reasons, but was there something in the air this weekend?

Anyways, glad you had an eventful weekend for me to have a chuckle at! so reliable!

Richard said...

As far as the ice throwing thing is concerned, there's an afrikaans saying that's very poignant:

As jy wil dom wees, dan moet jy kak.

ChewTheCud said...

help spread the monday cheer with this! whats next i wonder?

tBerry said...

So Peas, is bobajob right?

Whats all this about doodoos in a big old house with his folks away???

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - nice work dearie, at least you missed everyone's shoes! :)

Bobajob - We haven't boofed. ;)

Anon - admittedly my little cry was very unecessary, but hey. :)

Richard - I think people should just fucking relax bru.

Chew - will take a look!

tBerry - nope, we haven't boofed. ;) Seriously, we had a zizz. I know it all seems too innocent to believe eh? ;)

tBerry said...

I must say, I am hellofa impressed that you guys have held out. He obviously digs you "lank" (love that word) else he wouldn't wait for it.
the best relationships are the ones built on friendship and trust, not just pure passion. the passion definately counts too tho.

J.M said...

Peas, you are before your time.. enjoying the tunes baby? Whats ur top of the pops at the mo?

Did u enjoy Devil wears Prada?

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry - oh bless! :) He was the one that decided to wait as well. Hmmm.

JM - Helloooo stranger! Loving my choons big guy, "I just know your life's gonna change" is a current favourite!
We're going to see DEvil Wears Prada on Wednesday - can't wait, been meaning to for a while.

huniii said...

Ive only recently found your blog, and not only is it HILARIOUS, but its just like being home.
Thankyou so much!

Kate said...

Hey Peas! Sounds like a great weekend. Well done on your 40kms! How much training did you do? I cant walk the twenty minutes to work without getting out of breath, but that may have to do with the ten kilograms in clothing I'm having to wear these days:)

tyler said...

Morning Peas!
I'm having a fuggin good Monday morning. Is anyone feeling me on this? You picking up what I'm putting down? I think it's because the clocks went back yesterday and I woke up to sun this morning! Yay! And 36 days till I'm back home in ze muzzerland!
Watch some cock screw my day up.

Peas on Toast said...

hunniii - thanks dollface! :)

Kate - yeah...I hate exercise. Surprisngly I can actually walk, amazing!

Tyler - you got laaaaaaaaiiiid china! Surely? Nice! I presume? ;)

bobajob said...

I'm worried 'bout u peas - HE DECIDED???

like he declined you? or just told you arbitrarily?

or have you forgotten how to ride yr bike??

Daytripper said...

Hey Peas
Can you imagine if your new sort of man got beaten up cos of you? Hell now there's a terrible thought! just cos its Rovonia,. don't make it civilised grrl! And not everyone has a sense of humour...
What i can't help wondering is why you just didn't claim to have dropped said ice by accident?

tBerry said...

Peas was probably pointing her finger at the China and laughing her ass of at how high it bounced... and the hollow sound it made..

ChewTheCud said...

Free Speech people! Time to put your pledge where your blog is!

Peas on Toast said...

bobajob - no dude. One never forgets how to ride a bike. It's so we don't rush into anything and fuck it up with sex. He suggested we wait and I fully agreed.

Daytripper - I know, I should've known. :) If he'd punched Guy I'm Sorta Seeing, I would've punched the China.

tBerry - exactly, until they got all pissy with each other. :)

Daedalus said...

Never thought you to be the physical type Ertjie. :)

Insane Insomniac said...

Bugger Peas, but you know how to stir shite, don't you. Everyone knows not to throw anything at Steroid Chinas, including a look. You're very lucky GYKOSOS could handle it like a man.
Good luck with the training for the 94.7.

bobajob said...

probably got a small one then

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - Steroid Chinas have that effect on me ;)

Insane Insomniac - thanks dear. UNfortuantely I only saw the top of his drug-induced koppel from where I was standing. :)

Bobajob - OK, I can vouch that he definitely does not have a small totty. You know, on seeing it in passing. :)

zuzula said...

lung butter! that's brilliant... i know EXACTLY what you mean!

Peas on Toast said...

Zuzu - that's the stuff. :) My mate Moogs coined the delightful phrase.

It is the question said...

WHat is it with Manhattan?

Friggin hell. I went there for the first time on Friday night. (I know, I've been avoiding the place).

Stood upstairs watching the most beautiful girl I have seen in very long time getting harassed. Counted 8 hits in 12 minutes. She was pissed. Young guy tried to take photo of her cleavage. She wanted to klap him wif ger fist.

So I bravely went down and danced with her, putting me between her and the raging hoards.

After which, some roid enthused maniac at one point leaned over my shoulder to clap in her face during an up-tempo song. Jeez, I wanted to throw him wif some aaice.

Man, I reckon the attitude to age quotient in that place must be the highest in the country!