Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What I learnt

...about David Attenborough’s Strange Copulation Methods in Nature:

1) Siamese fighter fish males blow bubbles that coat the water surface. They do the dirty and he swallows her eggs. Then spits them out into the bubbles.

2) Seahorse males also fall pregnant.

3) Golden Syrian hamster males take on the role of midwife (now that’s what I like to hear) and pull the babies out of his female counterpart, cleans them and cuts the umbilical cord with its teeth.

4) On the dawn of spring, the male Guatamalan gerbil shags every female Gautamalan gerbil in sight. For two solid weeks he goes on a marathon binge fuck-off. He spreads his seed all over Gautalamala. Then he dies. Of sexual exhaustion. The female is left to take care of all his millions of offspring. Bastard.

5) The Amazon Torpedo Fish jumps onto hanging leaves with its mate, they shag, and then return to the water. So as to not cause a disturbance with the other fish. Then the female lays her eggs on the leaf, where for two days, the male splashes water continuously onto the leaves to keep the eggs wet.

6) The common bullfrog female hatches live young from heaving orifices on her back. It’s disgusting. Then the male watches the young until they’re old. They didn’t particularly have a strange fornication method.

7) The Australian black crow impresses the female of the species by collecting shit for its house. Décor. It particularly goes for bits and pieces that are blue. They love blue. The chick gets impressed and they boof.

Then I got distracted.

PS: I’ll be out of the office for two days. On a conference, where I’ll be scribbling away madly on a notepad while pretending to look interested. I’ll be back in action on Thursday. That’s if I haven’t pegged from boredom in the meantime. (It would be a most undignified death, wouldn’t it? What with looking catatonically empty and brain-dead.)

12 comments:

tyler said...

Ah the old Guatamalan gerbil. The lengths men will go to in order to avoid having to cuddle afterwards. An inspiration to us all, that's dedication.

peanut said...

hey peas,
you off to the conference with the people with the trolley logo?? snore, i am dreading it!!

Anonymous said...

The male seahorse doesnt fall pregnant...
It carries the eggs and then subsequently the offspring in a kangaroo like pouch under his belly..
Sorry, I am a nerd, I know.

Peter Barlow said...

Yeah, I would "get distracted" after all of that animal sexual tension created from watching stuff like that too! ;-)

Chewthecud said...

oh to die like a guatemalan gerbil... *sigh*

PS. Hippos attract mates by marking territory, urinating and defecating at the same time. Then, an enamored hippo will twirl its tail like a propellor to spread this delicious slop in every direction. This attracts lovers, and a pair will begin foreplay, which consists of playing by splashing around in the water before settling down to business.

rocket said...

Re the Gerbil... Granted a bit chauvinist, but still, what a way to go.

Crusoe said...

Animal porn - interesting...

other-duke said...

Thank goodness I'm not a male Black-Widow spider or a Praying Mantis... that's all I can say.

Get the internet working on your cellphone, the conference will evaporate :)

Antoine said...

aprapro the Praying Mantis. When the lass says "I am gonna eat you", doing it literally is not something I personally find fun!

"The Boksburg Male" Dribbles, Shoots and Leaves.

kyknoord said...

Dying of boredom can be a major social gaffe, but it is considered acceptable at a conference. If you're determined to stay awake, just find a few heads to frow sum bladdy aace at.

huniii said...

I think i met the Guatemalan Gerbil at the club on the weekend....

ChewTheCud said...

huniii - only if he had sex with you and then died....