Friday, October 13, 2006

it's all gone va-jay-jay

At about 2:14pm yesterday, the afternoon took a decidedly unsavoury swing.
After my old duck read yesterday’s post, I received this email:
My dear Peas
So you think I'm cool? Well I think I can top the coolness with a great little story that you don't know. My memories of the Great Wall of China are sweeeeet.

I don't think there are many people on Earth who can claim to belong to the "Wall of China Club" - similar to the Mile High Club!!!!
Thanks for the praise and honesty and for being such a great daughter.
Love you lots

Well that bit of information fucked up the rest of my afternoon.

Why the need to share, seriously, why the need?
Forget about writing a feature on Christmas window displays, as indulgently exciting as that is. Instead flew around the communal bathroom opening cabinet doors, irrationally and haphazardly, not unlike a heroine addict catatonically searching for a fix he knows he will not find.
I was looking for a stray IV drip filled with Moonshine. In the extremely unlikely case one of my clairvoyant colleagues foresaw this mother-daughter sex situation and considerately left one for me.

Mum - that's REVOLTING. I accept we are friends as well as standard mother and daughter, but no sexual details please. YUCK! Now I can't think straight, this is so hectic. I’ll be in a pub for the rest of the evening.

C dragged me to the Bowling Club for an emergency alcohol injection, on suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I cannot see straight out of one eye, and when people make sudden movements in my vicinity or mention the word s-e-x, I have a petit mal.

But whatever.

So the night went a little va-jay-jay, but I blame my mum’s email.

So R came along too. Thing is, we’re mates with a lot of the same crowd since we’ve been friends for a long time. Yet, they sort of cottoned on last night that something is different and sort of happening with us.
We all ate pizza and schnitzel and spoke shit like usual.

I got some bonnet action.
His car has just been serviced and is all scrubbed up and stuff. And on saying goodbye, he placed me on his bonnet and I got a lovely little snog. Nice. I liked it. He has booked our B & B in Natal for the weekend after next. It’s booked and ready to go.

Then C and I had a nightcap at the Jolly Dodger. I hurt myself on a wall. Why am I so bloody clumsy?

We’re going to an awesome 80s party on Saturday. Now 80s is my fave-fave va-jay-jay favourite. The Dove, C, The Ant, N and I bought shit from Hospice, which is nothing short of absolutely revolting. Think grotesque ribbons, satin, shoulder pads, pure solid and delightful 80s revoltingness. My outfit is most probably a secretary in Vanderbijlpark's matric ball gown. I’ve told R to doll himself up. He’s been warned. We’re going to look atrocious.


ChewTheCud said...

Parents - bumping uglies.... euw-euw-euw-euw-euw.... *deep breath* euw-euw-euw-euw-euw-euw... Please god make it go away!

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - touche. Can we never mention it again! :)

other-duke said...

My parent could only possibly have had sex twice, once to conceive me, the other to conceive my sister.

I'd prefer to believe it was artificial insemination or immaculate conception or something.

I'm told that my mom thought she was infertile, she says they tried for 6 years before they were blessed with a miracle. at that point i went pale

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - You're their little miracle, bless! ;) He he, but of course it was artificial insemination, I mean obviously.

Mike Hussey said...

Peas- why did you leave so quickly last night?

Peas on Toast said...

Um, from where?

Koekie said...

Traumatic. Scarring. I interrupted my folks WATCHING PORN.

"Hi mom, dad, I'm home. What you watching? Oh."

boyshey said...


Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - Oh my Christmas, that is emotionally scarring. Hope they paid for the shrink bills!

Boyshey - thanks mate, interesting indeed.

Antoine said...


Us old fogies have wild nookie. Often (Not as often as we would like) and with abandon that comes from a vasctomy

*wicked grin*

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Gad. My dad had a vasectomy back in the good old days...tried to convince me he needed hip replacement, the reason why he went to hospital.


It's not older folk enjoying sex. I hope to enjoy it as long as I live. It's the parentals image.

Champagne Heathen said...

I've walked in my parents snogging. Then they learnt to close & lock their door. Their door was closed & locked OFTEN. Which might explain why I have so many damn siblings!

I like the Bowling Club link - those dodgy slapper chickies & their alcoholic habits!!

Billy said...

I was a "tried for 7 years" miracle, walked in on Dad giving mom a spoon and saw them having a porn viewing, all by the age of 13. Im so fucked up about it im amazed i managed to lead a (relatively) normal life devoid of any major drug dependancies or psychological ills.

It hurt to write that, i must go have a little lie down now.

joe said...

Hey Peas, scarring indeed! I see you also enjoyed that hectic episode of Grey's Anatomy :-) Stop looking at my Va-Jay-Jay!

Toadie said...

Talk about hypocrisy. You clearly don't see your mother as another human being with whom you are actually "friends" in any sense of the word.

Plus, she gets to read about you and your drilldo. I think one allusion to some mile high aksie (on the ground) is fair trade.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - that is unbelievably hectic big guy. I'm also surprised you're not completely drug dependent my dear!

Joe - I know, how funny was that episode?? "O'Malley, stop staring at my va-ja-jay!" New best word. (Besides poen and geschmutzen of course.)

Peas on Toast said...

Toadie - Utter crap. We are mates, more than we've been in years. But I did mention, you might've read, that we don't talk about sex, even though we both know we do it. Yesterday that boundary was overstepped. She reads my blog, but turns if off on action posts. She doesn't want to know where I get up to it either.

duzbin said...

Maybe it s just me, but the thought of my parents having sex has never been a turn off.
I'm pretty sure my parents get it on regularly, and it doesn't bother me.
I wouldn't like to see it, but if I walked in on them, I would just walk out. I wouldn't see them any differently.

I know my brother was conceived in my aunt’s bed in France.
I know my mom was conceived on Christmas day, at my grandmother's boyfriend’s house.
It doesn't bother me.

I once got home from watching a movie, and saw my parents had left a "video" in the machine, it didn't turn me off, in fact I remember being home alone, and looking for the video to watch myself. I found other interesting toys, none of them made me think, Oh gross, my parents use these.

I'm glad my parents have sex. I think I would find it more warring if they didn't.

But maybe that’s just me.

Peas on Toast said...

duzbin - that's cool. That you're cool with it, definitely. Look I want to know they ARE having sex, because then they have a normal, loving relationship. But I don't want to know where or how.

I know I was conceived on the New Year of 1979 to 1980. Drunken debauchery I hear. ;)

Crusoe said...

Peas I'm with you on this - glad they do it but don't want to know about it! Fortunately I haven't ever walked in on them or found their videos - the worst thing I can remember was my gran telling her friends that she has 3 daughters, 5 grandkids, and 2 great-grandkids all because she got horny when drunk. My gran rocks!! :)

joe said...

That's interesting! I was born the day before New Year 1979 to 1980 :-) That makes me old. haha

Peas on Toast said...

Nah. You're not old. My Current Flavour was born in May 1979.

My dad was born in 1953. It's all relative. :)

Peas on Toast said...

CRusoe - your gran sounds like a card my dear. :)

Revolving Credit said...

G'Day Peas, bloggers, Peas's Mom and Chadster.

Just to twist the tale as I usually do:

1)I got some bonnet action?
This doesn't even have to be misconstrued, it's just blatant.

2)In light of your mothers activities and published response, you stated that last night "I hurt myself on a wall."
Which particular club were you trying to join?

But jokes aside, would you still want to be getting your groove on in 20-30 years time? Be glad that you mom is proving that one does not need to settle down into secondary socially induced abstinence or resurrected virginity. The fact that her sexual activities bother you is something you need to deal with. Its sounds like your mother may well be able to offer you sound advice on this topic when you require some form of guidance or a sounding board.
That this topic is taboo does prohibit these interactions. I'm not saying that you need to take a keen interest in her previous exploits, but attempt to be a bit more open-minded and you may benefit more and your bond of friendship may strengthen.
(Hopefully she won't freak you out too much)

Paul Owen said...

I did the London thing when I was 18, and after being away for 10 months my parents came for a visit. I left work at lunch and walked over to their City hotel.

At the exact moment that I began knocking on their door, my heart still beating gladly at being rejoined with my closest family after the absence, a couple in the room directly behind me starting YELLING. The loudest sex I have ever heard, they must have been climbing the walls. "FUCK MY CLIT!" was screamed at 100db at the precise moment that my parents swung open the door. My mother's smile faltered briefly but overall they did a great job of ignoring the fucking monstrous white elephant standing in the hotel corridor.

We walked outside as if nothing had happened. The funny thing is, now, we've progressed to the point where we would have burst out laughing if it happened today.

But the last thing I'd want to do is talk about their sex life, with them. It's like watching your meal get butchered and then having to eat it.

Shame :)

duzbin said...

Paul, at least the sound weren't coming from your parent’s door...