Friday, November 03, 2006

babs, you're an idiot

I go through constant states of flux at the moment concerning my personal matters of the heart.

Sometimes I get extremely antsy over my current hook-up scenario, and need to be alone to get over my anxiety, thereby shutting myself off from everything in order to feel in control. An hour or two later I can emerge a sociably adept individual. Other times I sit dreamily thinking about Guy I’m Sort Of Seeing’s legs, or the little tuft of hair that rises up above his collar, or his lovely smile that manages to make me (infuriatingly) less irritated by something he did. Or how he plants a kiss on my head when I’m half asleep.

But for now, I’m in one of ‘those’ moods. Where, on sticking Babs Streisand full blast while taking a bath, (first mistake) wielding a glass of La Motte, after a long day in heels. As per usual.
Babs isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. This alone annoys me, since her ballads have influenced thousands of romantic liaisons, I’ll bet. Albeit I think she has a voice like crushed satin, but still.

I listened to the lyrics of such a song, as I sat sipping on my wine after another long day spent at the Sandton Convention Centre in and out of presentations, writing like a bitch onto my notepad. I was tired. Hence, ‘the mood.’ Amplified by her, quite frankly, unbelievably stupid lyrics. She sings this ultra-corny duet with the formidable Celine Dion who, I believe, is asking Barbra Streisand for love advice. To which:

Tell him (Oh yes)
Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
Tender words so soft and sweet
…I’ve been there with my heart out in my hands
But what you must understand
You can’t let the chance to love him pass you by
Love will be the gift you give yourself
Your love can’t be denied
The truth will set you free…

I’d heard enough. This bitch was ruining my bath.

I jumped out of the tub, leaving a trail of Dorothy Gray bubbles from the bathroom to the hi-fi in the lounge and switched the bloody thing off.

She must be thick. Barbra is a 40-something woman, who surely has been through heartache before. She certainly must be taking the piss to be serenading Celine with such misguided advice. Or she's trying to fuck with Celine's head. Basically telling her to profess her undying love to an oke.
This is the biggest load of pants I’ve ever heard. Now I may only be (cough) 26-years old, but I at least know better. And if I were to dish out any advice:

1) Never, ever, ever mention the ‘l’ word to a man. As long as you live, if at all possible. I did this once, and the man ran out of my door and never looked back. Case study proven.
2) Actually just don’t fall in love. Never define your lust, longing and sexual perversion towards someone as love. Trust me.
3) The exception of course, is if a man tells you first. He basically controls the situation, however, and this sucks.
4) If you do fall in love with someone, a) you’re a hopeless case and b) at least keep it to yourself.
5) Barbra Streisand is a nutcase. She’s way out of control. Someone put a leash on that woman.
6) “The sun and moon rise in your eyes.” Peeeyuke?
7) And to think that Barry Gibb and Company did tours with this chick. There are impressionable teenagers out there for goodness sake! Those who’ll take these lyrics seriously, tell their male halves they love them and then cry for months afterwards wondering what the hell they did wrong when the oke never calls back. Have some social responsibility Barbra Streisand, I mean really.

Anyway, it’s good to know that I know better, and all is well in my little bubble of self-content. Just really relieved the conference is over. It was quite fucking taxing.

If I were to write a song right now, the lyrics would go as such: (With a The Killers background accompaniment)
I dig your comp-a-nee
It’s kiff to, like, hang out
Do stuff
Lank chilled
Holding your hand is niiiiiiiiiiice
I dig it china
I dig your comp-a-nee
Today I dig your comp-a-nee
Tomorrow I might hate you
But right now you’re kiff
You make me hot
You’re my chinaaaah
You have great legs
You kiss niiiiiiiiice
Thanks for being a chinaaaah

OK, maybe not. OK I’m embarrassed. OK ignore above.

He visited me last night, after I’d polished off a fair amount of La Motte, and was indulging in some Tchaikovsky. God he's amazing.


Jam said...

Oh dear. Seems according to your scale, I'm hopeless. Oh well. Being in love means being alive and the risk you take doing this is that you may just get hurt, and this is also part of being alive. Can't say I'm a Streisand fan though. The thing about being in love is that you need to be unflinchingly realistic about it. It's silly to be unrealistic and think it's all about sunshine and bubbles. There will come a time when you will utter those three words again, but then you'll probably know, with all your experience, that this time it's the right time.

Jam said...

PS Nice to have you back...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Jam!

Perhaps there'll come a time when I utter those words again, but I'm hoping I'll be too drunk to remember. :) Nah, just kidding. Perhaps one day, one day.

And Babs is a bloody idiot, isn't she? ;)

nicole said...

i couldn't think of anything worse than a celine dion and barbara duet...actually i lie, i saw a "gregorian monks sing celine dion" cd once....that could be a slow painful death!

Peas on Toast said...

Nicole - Gregorian monks singing Celine? Good. God. That sounds pretty intense...and not in a good way! :)

tBerry said...

Peas, you sound SO jaded! One day you'll look back at these posts and see that you have to open up and give part of your heart in order to move fwd in relationships, it is human nature. But, obviously only when you're ready.
I had my heart completely destroyed years ago, but found someone new and moved on, it is possible.
Love and being in love is awesome, difficult to understand, but awesome!
BTW Babs is 64 friggin years old!!

Peter Barlow said...

Good to have you back peas, you sound jaded but still put in that last line of your post, don't forget how he makes you feel! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas.
Who's amazing, Kind of Guy or Tchaikovsky? :)

Oh how i wish it was friday. Someone switched the heating off in London and and all of a sardine... it's chuffing chilly !

3rm said...

dude, you don't think it might be a tad rash to pass judgement on our entire gender based on the actions of one (emotionally immature) guy?

Suavé said...

I dig your comp-a-nee
It’s kiff to, like, hang out

Dude, like, that's the funniest shit I have ever heard! Seeeriuuuus!!! Probably the best lyrics to start a song I is ever heard. I can almost see you actually crooning those words out at a karaoke night or sumfin. You had me laughing out loud over here! Thanks for that Peasypoo!

Shortypam said...!!! i ...(giggle) like the song... bwahahahhahaha!!!!

first of all Celine Dion and Barbara Striesand??? peas? what were you thinking...

but i like the song, theres a career in song writing 4 u peas... lol!!!

Daedalus said...

Ertjie is baaaack …!
…poor Jam was stuck with the china shop bull for 2 days. :)

Insane Insomniac said...

Hi Peas, Nice to have you back.
I'm not going to tease you about the Babs thing - I happen to enjoy some of her music. That which isn't corny. Actually, the song she does with Niel Diamond is rather biting. Its 'You don't bring me flowers.'

Anyway, as for the advice on Tell Him. I totally agree. I have a friend in my life who at the mere sight of him, my legs go funny and my IQ drops to that of a primitive amazon. Thing is, I would love to tell him, but the question is - what will he do with this information? I'd rather keep quiet. Yes, I'm a wuss.

Anonymous said...

hi Peas...
Babs is over 50...but the song was funny though. I mean your one...I completely understand with the word I and men. they just don't go...celine sings some things worth listening to though...cept that I drove all naaaaaiiiiiiiittt song...i hate that sh*

kyknoord said...

That 7-point plan is never going to fit on a powerpoint slide. If you're planning on becoming a Lurve Guru, you're might need to trim it back to something like:
1. Admit nothing
2. Ignore Barbra Streisand's lyrics
3. Methinks the lady doth protest too much oops, did I type that out loud

other-duke said...

Welcome back

I love your song. I think it rocks :)

Kate said...

Loving your song, Peas!
That little gem is gonna stick - even for someone like me who currently hangs with the soppy brigade!

Peas on Toast said...

Hi guys!

tBerry - yeah I'm a little jaded perhaps, but I'm happy, so that's gotta be something right? ;) Babs is 64? That little bitch.

Peter - yeah he is lovely, that Guy I'm Sort of Seeing, no doubt about it! :)

Anon - shame my dear - best you go get yourself some hot coffee and pronto. Tchaik is amazing, and I suppose GISOKOS.

3RM - Nah I know there are a couple of (emotionally mature) gems like you out there, Pedro. Hey, I haven't seen you in a while - is your new chick taking up all your time? Bless, hope it's going well babe.

Suave - Should I sing it at the Colon-nee? I reckon, hey? ;)

Shorty - I know, Celine and Babs will be the end of me, what the hell was I doing?

D-Guy - so nice to be back, can't tell you! Ertjie xx

Insane - You're not a wuss my friend, you're sensible. I dig you. :)

Florence - I think Celine and Babs need to be institutionalised, whaddoyoussay?

Kyk - You little bugger - I doth protest nothing! :)

O-D - thanks guy - can you play the drums? Got lots of drums in there.

Kate - word my freind. Ta, isn't it the biggest load of shite ever? ;)

other-duke said...

Funny, I actually can. Not well, but I did go for lessons back in high school.

We may be onto something here. Our first album can be subtitled "I shmaak you stukend. Ekse"

If we hurry we can outsell Kurt Darren this Christmas

Peas on Toast said...

O-D "I kan like to schmaak you stukkend." We have a winner!!

And for those with no-strings-attached tastes: I kan like to naai you stukkend.

Watch out Bok Treffers Twee, you have seriaaas competition! :)

Koekie said...

Sheeesh... why didn't you drown yourself in some Celine while you were at it?

Definitely prefer your lyrics - almost on the same scale as a bit of Karen Zoid.

Babe is jy nog lief vir my?
Babe is jy nog lief vir my?
Babe is jy nog lief vir my?
Ek gaan iemand anders VRY!

Something like that...

Peas on Toast said...

Koekie - bless Karen, and she's a punk rocker with a flower in her hair.

Celine and Babs, or Taoster-In-The-Bath-Ladies were nearly the end of me last night, let me tell you. ;)

M said...

Peas... I'm with you on this one. Love is over-rated and only sets you up for heartache (but then again, I'm going through an 'all men are bastards' stage at the moment - and good for one thing only).

Peas on Toast said...

M - don't worry my dear, being a manorexic is wonderfully liberating. Enjoy it! I'm not there anymore, I like the guy I'm with, I'm just protecting myself from heartache. Well as much as I can anyway!

Daedalus said...

You are head over heals Ertjie…

Daedalus said...

"heels" me-meant... or is that actually beyond healing already?

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - at the risk of sounding like I protest too much and the fine line of pure nonchalnace, I will say, honestly: I am not head over heels. Seriously. I think you okes know I wear my heart on my sleeve and you'd know if I was. ;)

I like him, but we'll see. Anything can change I suppose, we'll see how it all pans out. :)

Daedalus said...

“Nonchalnace” – I looked that up and came up with no result, so I’ll act stupid on that one.

At the risk of being a “cynic”, I am just "fishing" :P

“You wear your heart on your sleeve”? hehehe…

Peas on Toast said...

D - he he he :) Nonchalance, sorry mate.

Daedalus said...

I did not know that word either.
Holy crap! Had to look it up again.
At least you taught me something
The trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern… :o

Peas on Toast said...

Correct :) Good to know I am the bearer of knowledge. Well, not quite, but hey. ;)

boldly benny said...

Hi Peas
MY GOD why did you listen to Babs? The idea of listen to her duet with Celine after a hectic day is enough to make me want to off myself. Seriously, I would've lobbed the hairdryer into my bath.
HOWEVER there is alot to be said for being honest and opening yourself up to people. I spent such a long time shutting myself off from people and holding myself back under the guise that I was protecting myself - I landed up very lonely.
I have since started allowing people into my life, I have even confessed my feelings to people who don't return my feelings but I would rather be honest and possibly enter a relationship than walk away and not know what could have been.
Yes my heart has been wrecked but I have also allowed AMAZING people into my life. And to the same extent I have wrecked people's hearts when I don't return their feelings.
Never deny or hold back what you are feeling - it's the biggest tragedy, feel what you're feeling when you're feeling it.
My sister is an inspiration to me, she got divored a year ago and her husband okay rather, the asshole did a number on her. She started dating again and again her heart got trampled but she refused to give up on love and is now in the most honest and enviable relationship - and she said the L word first.
It's a gamble and getting hurt is part of it but so is the ecstacy of having someone return your love.
I'm not a hopeless romantic - believe it or not I'm usually called a cynic and I do believe it treading carefully BUT the worst feeling is regret and wondering what you could have had - give it a shot, if it doesn't work, you'll get over it - you have before and your coping mechanisms are probably stronger now. Face your vulnerability when you develop feelings for someone and be aware.
I do think there's a big difference between taking responsibility for what you're feeling and emotional suicide - if the guy doesn't return your feelings WALK AWAY - you can't make him love you.
Just my two cents xB

Daedalus said...

Well, I am now gonna practice my new word on my team … gonna tell them they are all suffering from “Nonchalance” Hehehe...

Revolving Credit said...

Based on the mood described, I assume that the 1820 Overture was the only bang you got.

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly Benny - wow, awesome comment thanks Benny. I do agree with you and eventually I will get there. I'm scared though. All of my concerns and cynicisms are purely based on fear. When it comes to the point where I need to address a new level, I'll probably do it. For now, I'm ok just 'being'. It takes time I think. I just don't want to ever be in that position where I hope and then get disappointed. Perhaps one day this will matter not. Who knows?

Rev - hiya! Nope, it was his Piano Concerto in B flat minor, op.23. That 23 minuter. Good piece, mind you.

kyknoord said...

The music, presumably?

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - no his big, large throbbing mem...just kidding, yes the music. :)

Revolving Credit said...

'..his big, large throbbing mem...23 minuter'

Hon, best you get some soon.

Question which may help alleviate this tension:
You both agreed (suicidal if you ask me) to no shagging for the 1st few months. Now do you both consider oral sex to qualify as shagging or is it just paying..umm..lip service?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - lol. Oral is a closer option. And um, yes, most definitely.

Revolving Credit said...

What is it Shakira said, something about 'lips don't lie'

Not to sure which lips we're discussing any more, but yes it's still lip service.

Fuck, do you think Shakira was singing about HER lips....shit, now I'll never be able to listen to that song without smiling.

Maybe if you hum the tune, he'll get the message??

kabintsimbi said...

oh dear god...I must be one hell of a hopeless case! I totally told him the 'I' word thingie about two weeks ago. He hasn't run away (yet) & seems ok.

I felt better I guess, actually felt like huge weight was lifted off my shoulders & now I can breathe...although I still feel physically sick thinking about him & the possibilty of someone else (not that that has happened as of yet & he told me that I would be the first to know if & when that did happen!) I don't know anymore...totally going to keep options open & if he wants me then he'll come forth & get me...god, how much I seriously wish that that could happen!

But otherwise, good to have you back peas...sure you know this already!

Carlz said...

peas for president!! well said! problem with people today is they think love is a whole bunch of things its not! ppl must stop telling u that u jaded - cos they're just naieve!
enough blogging when there's no water in g-town - its making me agro!!!

kiff song! i can love it!

Kevin Cadman said...

Peaslet! How are you dear?

Great post - your song simply rocks.

Having been through an almost identicial situation, I know exactly how you feel. When you think of what you went through, it's easier to simply NEVER take the chance to get hurt like that again. The option of being 'single' (but not alone) forever becomes a somewhat viable one!

I'm trying to change my outlook 'cos what they say is true: better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do.

But seriously, that song needs to go into production. I'm thinking a mid-tempo, 80bpm, swinging number. I know some bloggers have written books (or blooks are they're known now) but how many can say they've written (and possibly recorded) a smash hit? :P

Okay baaai

Inyoka said...

you will be interested to know that Barbara Streisand is actually 64.

* Born: 24 April 1942
* Birthplace: Brooklyn, New York
* Best Known As: Oscar-winning star of Funny Girl

Peas on Toast said...

Kev I knew you'd understand mate!

Inyoka - you're alwasy a source of knowldege my dear, thank you!