Wednesday, November 15, 2006

ant's back

The Ant is back, my flatmate returns! Although Third Roommate has been around on the odd evening to quaff wine with me and talk shit, I really have missed my little Ant. Chad, although not much of a conversationalist himself - he is a rodent afterall - has been on the recieving end of my diabolical verbal diarrhoea when I return home from the office.

I'm not only relieved that The Ant's back for company reasons. You see, we both have a serious domestic job at hand: I deal with The Landlady From Hell and she deals with Pretty our maid. That's how it works. As lovely as she is, I am having a very embarrassing issue with Pretty.

I hide my dildo on purpose. It's under my dressing table for a reason. Oh no, Pretty has since the last three weeks, had other ideas. She whips it out and puts it on my desk in clear view of everyone. And there's no mistaking what Bushie 3 000's job at hand is. She's doing this on purpose, why else would she place Bushie in such a vulnerable place?

On cleaning up, I have a lot of compilation CDs. They’re all over the place. On the carpet, in my car, in the CD player, everywhere.
The thing is, they are all labelled. And in light of my recent reading-through-my-last-break-up-posts, they have a timeline of all their own. These are their actual labels with no embellishments:

Mozambique 05/06 Holiday Choons
February Loved Up Shag Choons
Lust Music
Break-Up Toaster In The Bath Music (Ne Yo’s ‘So Sick Of Love Songs’ starts this beeyoot)
Karaoke Fuck Men Who Needs ‘Em Choons
Single And Coping Music
My Own Love Affair With Peas Choons
Alone And Loving It Hits
Pre-Mandog (Manhattan Club) Let’s Go Out! Songs
Living Carelessly: Choons For The Poen (From C – with ‘All By Myself’ as the final song…Bridget Jones style)

And the latest: Peas’ New Lease On Life (Choons from Ex S, bless him)

I could base a diary just on my music alone. Each CD is based on a phase, not always nice. But the latest kicks ass. Especially listening to when I’m in the bath drinking a satisfyingly chilly glass of La Motte, or my latest squeeze has his arms wrapped around me.


Pete said...

F*ck it. No comment, just wanted to say I'm first again:)

Johnny Menace said...

i would have gone with Pretty the maid over Landlady from Hell

Peas on Toast said...

Hiya Pete! :)

Johnny Menace - I know. The Landlady From Hell is something else. But I've lived here longer, so it's only right I carry on doing the liaising.

Champagne Heathen said...

Hold on! You get to choose which of the 2 to liase with!?! I def. got it wrong. I seem to be the liason to both my mentally-unique landlady & her mongrol caretaker AND to our Mamma-Maid. I need to reread the terms of the agreement with my flatmate.

Meanwhile, my maid is of the idea that I am a sweet girl who should marry some good clean Christian boy (her words). I think she has noticed the level of condoms in the crate has not dropped in quite awhile!

I really am going to buy you a pink sparkly case for Bushie, so he remains touched by only you...and maybe Um-Boyfriend! (Can I drop the "Um" part now??)

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - hello sunshine! Yes I think you should reread the terms of yor agreement, most definitely! Ooh a sparkly pink case for Bushie?? That would be superb. You can drop the Um. I use the Um so that it doesn't sound too hectic! ;)

Funny Lucas also thinks I should marry a nice boy. He told me this last night. I told Lucas that I think he should find a chick.

other-duke said...

I just took a CD out of my car that says "Warning! This CD rocks!!" and replaced it with one that says "82k's past Ceres 2004"


Jam said...

I hate to be really gross here, but what do you think Pretty thinks Bushie is? Perhaps she's using it as a polisher. Or do you think SHE KNOWS and has some other ideas about what to do with it?

Third World Ant said...

Hello mushy! Missed ya too lass - kept thinking 'what would Peas be doing now?' during priceless moments of the holiday :)

Dealing with Pretty is not as easy as you think, missy! You must see her face drop as you throw in extra chores for her to do - it's really disarmingly difficult to dish 'em out! At least, with the landlady you have a reason to be difficult - she's a be-yatch of note!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I shudder to think. But she has got to know what it is, since it looks like a totty. I washed it thoroughly yesterday...just in case.

Ant - I know dollface, I found it hard to dish out chores to Pretty when you were away. The Landlady From Hell left a messgae on ym hpone yesterday...sigh.

Jam said...

Maybe Bushie needs to be put under lock and key.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - you may just be onto something dollface.

Daedalus said...

Good thing my “Bushy” is attached to me, or I might have forgotten it in some urinal ages ago.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas, a friend of mine here in London is getting her flat refurbished, and has a typical builder who pitches up only when it pleases him. Guess what she left in her bathroom the night before.
When she got home from work she decided to berate him about his working as he pleases attitude.
It was only later that she realised why he had a sly smile on his face while she shouted at him.


Revolving Credit said...

What concerns me is that Pretty may think that the Whacker is an ornament. Besides that fact that she is putting it on prominent display (as one would do with an ornament), she may well be polishing it as well. Best you check for Mr Min or Cobra floor polish residue before using it again.

I think Champs is right. You probably need to get some form of whacker holder or at least a display case.

As for all the CD stuff - WTF. Thought you had an iPOD. Rip the CD's to MP3 and pack them away.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - perhaps I should make Bushie a strap on? ;)

Anon - hilarious! The conclusion - did the oke stop coming round? ;)

Rev - I have an iPod, but these are my CDs for the car and just general stuff for at home. God, do you think she actually polishes my, um ornament?

ChewTheCud said...

ok so - what sort of music is the peas listening to in her car? what constitutes driving music for you?

Daedalus said...

Nah Ertjie ... that sounds a but dyke.. ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Everything from Tchaikovsky, Goldfish, any of those compilations (depending on the mood), Eminem. :)

Daedalus said...

Ak X'ed my vowels again... 's all this sex talk I tell ya

Kate said...

I had a similar problem with Gladys, the maid at my old digs in Gtowm. Only Gladys wasnt out to embarrass me. She was like a mommy who looked after us girls, a mommy with old fashioned ways. I lived in eternal terror of her confronting me about my BW2000!

ChewTheCud said...

lol - maids here are a curious by-product of south african history. In a first world country a maid is supposed to be discreet, efficient, intelligent and cost a fortune. Fortunately my maid is really good, but then again I don't have a dildo she can move around (or do I? ;P )

peas check your mail hun.

3rm said...

jam's suggestion that pretty may be enjoying some of the pink love raises some interesting questions. how does she spend her other leisure time? how long does vd last in air? clinic anyone?

Daedalus said...


Anonymous said...

Rhodents don't chat?

Peas on Toast said...

Kate - don't whatever you do do hide it under your dressing table. It'll mysteriously be on your desk when you return from work...

Chew - I got your mail, thanks dollface. Am sorting it out as we speak! :)
Pretty has been discreet in that she hasn't spoken to me about this. But her actions have been less than discreet I guess. ;)

3RM - VD? eweeewwwwwwww, gag!

Anon - I know. That's why I said rodent.

Peas on Toast said...

OD-: Sorry forget to comment back - your choons sound fantastic! :)

Anonymous said...

You mentioned you are catholic. Are you, and do you believe in that stuff?

kyknoord said...

For someone who's so up on her choons, it's bit surprising you can't choon Pretty about the BW3K. How about coating it in a sticky (but harmless) residue of some sort and see what happens.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I'm a confirmed and baptised Catholic, yes. I however believe in birth control, swear like sialor and have had a lot of sex before marraige. I go to church on Easter and Christmas. I like the tradition of mass.

But am I religious and all encumbersing (?) of Catholicism? No.

Kyk - cunning plan. You think maple syrup, or something more obvsious like Kiwi shoe polish?

ChewTheCud said...

you gonna try get the shoe polish off afterwards? good luck with that. lol - peas gonna have black hands and black hole after a session then ;P

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