Saturday, November 04, 2006

two letters

Dear VW people

So you know how my passenger electric window is stuffed? Well the other fucking window decided to break this morning, in a forage of unbecoming crunches and grinds. Of all the bloody botheration.

I bought your vehicle on the basis of it being designed and engineered in a precisely Germanic persuasion. You know, technically advanced, reliable, eschewing the precision of perfectionists. What, then, pray fuck, is this piece of shite I am driving??

The windows break, the service costs me my right ovary because everything needs fixing, and becuase of the exorbitant amount of moolah I am shelling out for this piece of shit car, I have a spastic colon. No, not a Colony Arms cane-related episode for fuck's sake, a stress-induced stomach ailment. Fuck you and your Germanic standards. Next time I'll buy an Alpha.

Peas On Toast

Update: PS: Fich dich VW. I have just received a quote for my one electric window. R4 900. Can I actually park a tiger on the floor right now? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR COTTON PICKING HEADS? Do you guys smoke crack in your lunch hour? My electric window is paying for your CEO's kids to go to private schools in fucking Oxford. It would be cheaper for me to a) fly to London b) buy a new engine c) sell my kidneys. I need trauma counselling. I am not coping.


Dear Attractive Man From Coventry,

Last night, after dinner with E and N at E’s place, and after we all got vrot on Fitzy’s, well I did anyway, and after floppingd into bed, head all but spinning, I thought about you as I drifted off to sleep.

You were the extremely attractive man I met at the conference this week. An Englishman. Now most Englishmen leave me weak at the knees if they so much as utter a sentence in their little accents (barring Essex and Cockney), but you were simply delicious. Older, perhaps mid-thirties, maybe even forty, who knows, but I suppose one does age better there.

The way you wrapped your mouth around the word ‘Coventry’, (where you were born) and how you talked to me throughout both lunch hours, over shish kebabs, about India and your travels there, and how you drove through the Transkei on an impromptu trip last year in a Chevy Spark…well. You really were quite lovely.

Naturally you had a wedding ring on your left hand, and I had a gnawing feeling in the back of my brain that echoed the words: you're married, probably have offspring, you live in the UK, and I am sort of seeing someone.

Hold the phone? I am sort of seeing someone. Yes I am. Pardon me for being unbelievably slow on the uptake, but this not-so-single-anymore status has completely taken me by surprise. The realisation has finally sunk in: I am not completely single anymore. I suppose I’m not really on the market at this precise moment. How did this suddenly happen? I know I’ve been in a fair bit of denial recently, but I really didn’t notice this little shift in my flirting techniques until I met you, really. I chose not to flirt the pants off you, a [very attractive, upstanding suit-wearing, dark and rugged married] man from Coventry, as my mind is kind of partial to someone else today.

Yours in the English countryside and shit,
Peas On Toast

51 comments:

Daytripper said...

well, your last letter to the insurance lot got a good result... why don't you do it??

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - let's see if they're astute enough to pick this up. I mean, it's not like my car is a tin can or anything, I paid enough for it. This is such pants - maybe I just got a bad model?

Inyoka said...

Aish!

It is annoying when you spend oodles on what is supposed to be a good car and you find that it is somewhat lacking.

Ummmm. Thing is, your VW was made is SA, not Germany. There is a difference.

This notwithstanding, I am amazed by the way that engineers can design things like electric windows to such a high degree of exactitude that they break within days of your guarantee lapsing. One would think that they could design something which lasts and lasts...

Stupid me. They can. But then, who would need to buy expensive spares, and pay for the mechanic's boerewors rolletjie and his kid's school shoes?

Let's face it - life is a bit of a swiz.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie
That is VW for you. ;)
Next...
your door handles will fall off hahaha...

Peas on Toast said...

Inyoka - very relevant point there dollface: it was made in SA. Say no more.

D-Guy - don't joke. I'm waiting for them to fall off. I always said my next car would be an Audi. They're my favourite, love them. But since they're made by the Germans, I'm actually thinking twice.

Kate said...

On the upside - at least you dont have to wait for them to import spares!
And you dont live in the uk, so you dont have to pay car tax, arent legally required to have massive insurance, and dont get slapped with a enormous fine if you miss your legally required annual MOT.
(all of which is probably good stuff, but I balk at the idea that the gov is MAKING you do it)

Peas on Toast said...

Kate - fair enough. Another reason why I wouldn't own a car in the UK. And another reason why I'd sing the praises of it's public transport system. :)

Billy said...

Whatever you do don’t buy an ALFA. As bad as VW may seem Alfa is 100 times worse.

I love Alfa cars but the service in SA is horrendous and you cant sell it for half of what you forked out for it.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - thanks dude. I heard getting the spares is also the ultimate bitch when it comes to Alfa. The only reliable car I've had in the past was my trusty old Toyota Corolla. On the downside, the car was about as sexy as a tractor. My current car is a sexy little vehicle. Pity it keeps on bloody breaking. I suppose one can't have reliability and sexiness in one machine.

Billy said...

Peas: Im afraid Audi may be as bad as VW. I paid over 300K on an A4 and its been at Audi more in 2 months than it has been in my garage. Pity though coz its a beast of a car.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - that's pants my dear! VW I can understand it may actually just be a crap machine cleverly wrapped in German marketing, but Audi one expects more. I heard that if the turbo breaks in one of those things, it costs like R25 000 to fix. Holy crap.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Maybe you simply need a spin in my RSi before you buy.
(phuck, that rhymed!)

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - I always had my sights set on the A3. Sexy little vehicle that. But the Germans have pissed me off today, so I may just settle on a bloody RunX next time I buy a car.

Isabel Jones (aka Ramone Allones) said...

ze blogoshere is a powerful medium, even ze germans will pay attention if you draw their attention to your blog.


My VW golf 4 was bought new and i had to replace the gearbox, this happened within one week of the warranty expiring and they flatly refused to do anything about it, even though milage was low - 16,000 kms. VW sucks - this why i am now a bimmer driver (their customer service and build quality in my experiance has been very good)

Peas on Toast said...

Ramone - I'm so hacked off right now, check the update.

tBerry said...

Just be thankful you don't own a Landrover. Especially a Freelander. What a big hunking pile of stinky shite they are! I got one at a discounted price from a friend leaving the country. Went in knowing they were kinda pricey to run. Phuck me but no sooner had I got into the thing but I had to fork out R18k on a little black box no bigger than a pack of 'Boro's... and that was just the beginning!

Pete said...

Where's Rev? I think we can definitely start singing the 'Peas has a booooyfriend' song now. (In a playground voice, of course)

Billy said...

R4900? Fuck! You sure thats not the whole door?

My first car was R3500 10 years ago!

Forty In The Shade said...

Get a Toyota.

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry - everyone I know who has dabbled with a Land Rover has had the same problems. I'll stay far away from those...

Pete - I do not have a boyfriend! I'm sort of kind of seeing someone. ;)

Billy - as we speak/write, I am displaying classic symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I'm shaking, mock charging, feel dizzy and am about to pass out. Oh and tears are also running down my cheeks for added flair.

Forty - I don't want a car. Ever again.

tBerry said...

What a scam. Its the motor thats gone, and the thing about them is that they are sealed so you can't have them rewound or anything. If you could, it'd probably cost R100 to fix.
Kids education at Oxford, I think u're right.

Pete said...

Peas, you boyfriend is an engineer, no? Those things are the easiest thing in the world to replace!

Pete said...

And the sealed motor unit is dirt cheap, no more than a few hundred bucks

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry and Pete - I know. It's crazy. I'm an aboslute mess.

Pete said...

Just n=make him do it for you? Then we'll see how much he really loves you:)

Slagella said...

The windows in my Polo both went - 320 pounds to fix just ONE.

Jam said...

I have this unplesant feeling I'm about to CURSE myself - but my Polo has been a sweetie since I bought it two years ago.
Is this the latest in your rnage of electronics-what-are-breaking Peas?

zuzula said...

i'd rather have your car without door handles - hell without an engine - than get on a bus in the UK... our transport system is, at best, a crock of shite.

thescott said...

Three letters: BMW. They fix the arb stuff for free (if you're on motorplan).

Revolving Credit said...

'Peas has a boyfriend,
sort of kind of boyfriend,
kinda like a boyfriend,
sort of seeing a boyfriend,
semi coupled boyfriend,
not-so-single-boyfriend
..la,la,la,la,la
...boyfriend,boyfriend'

I hope you've not being cursing VW to loudly because you may hurt Ludwig's feelings. The last thing you want is a depressed car. Then all types of shit may go wrong.

All I can say is : Motorplan

Lovely stuff.
5 years/100 000km hassle free.
5 years roadside assistance.
All free.

Pete said...

Rev - To be fair, you are paying a premium for the car though.

I haven't had any issues with my Polo either, just went in for it's first service and thanks to the motor plan it didn't cost me a cent..

Revolving Credit said...

...la,la,la,la,la....boooyfriend.

Pete said...

Rev - To be fair, you are paying a premium for the car though.

I haven't had any issues with my Polo either, just went in for it's first service and thanks to the motor plan it didn't cost me a cent..

Revolving Credit said...

Ok, now motorplan covers everything besides tyres and probably wiper blades. Just send your vehicle in, no fuss & no moola.

I've been lucky though, the only problem I've had in 4 years was the headlamp bulb expiring which the BMW dealership replaced while I drank their filter coffee and had a morning scone. ( Not sure if Motorplan covered the coffee and scone??)

As for roadside assistance, I had a puncture just outside Carlitzdorp of the road 'tween Oudtshoorn and Cape Town. When I tried to change the tyre I realised that I had mislaid the locknut key, ego. I could not get the flat tyre off the car.
No problem, I phone BMW-on-call. The guy drives +/- 200km from Knysna. Brings the full set of locknut keys, tries them all, finds the right one and then changes my tyre. And what did this cost me, you may ask? Well the cost was zero dinero..gratis.
I love it.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - my goodness - nothing! NOTHING! You lucky bastard. My motor plan is finsihed oh but of course - and my windows are kapoot. Ludwig has made me a very angry lady today.

Zu - careful what you wish for dearie, trst me this car scenario is making me crazy.

thescott - can I have yours? ;)

Slagella - I see both os uf are paying VW's kids Ascot education.

Jam - don't hold your breath darling, I hope your windows are in tact. :)

Pete - engineers, by large, are useless with windows. ;)

EVERYONE - I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

Revolving Credit said...

WOULD YOU LIKE ONE??

(just mail me Uncertains phone no and/or email address and I'll sort shit out for you)

Revolving Credit said...

MAYBE A NICE HOT GIRLFRIEND??

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Rev. Nah I'm ok with how things are right now dollface, but thanks anyway. :)
When we're certain this may work, then we'll see.

I can't be bothered with boyfriend admin right now on top of Ludwig giving me shit.

Maybe a girlfreind is what I need. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Ok, i'll find you one. Must she just look pretty or will she need to put out as well.
Tell me your preferences

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - she has to put out. I have a trophy car see. Looks pretty, costs me oodles of cash and doesn't put out.

So best my girlfreinds doesn't bankrupt me and gives me heaps of action.

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, not tonight! She's got a headache :(

Peas on Toast said...

Bloody hell. I was getting all excited there.

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe if you start with a good massage to relax her first
(shit,tippo, typed fist, my bad)
..maybe then she'll get in the mood for a good ravishing.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I've had an EXTREMELY long day. What I need here is the equivalent of a steak and a blow job. Not to mention cold beer on demand. The bitch needs to tend to my needs.

(God, such words from a feminist like myself?? I'd almost be offended. Almost.)

Revolving Credit said...

Steak, Blowjob & Beer

Salmon, Slurpy & Savannah...would that be a good feminine translation.

Peas on Toast said...

Now you're talking. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, stop salivating..you're getting your keyboard all..wet.

Daedalus said...

RunFast. Ertie, RunFast...

Inyoka said...

R4900! I take it that includes fitting and vat? Aish! That translates into about £400 at the current rate... and you need two?

I would definitely get onto the CEO with one of your letters, the press and the motoring ombudsman, if you have such a thing. This is an absolute ripoff!

Chain yourself to the railings outside VWSA?

Audi??? Don't they own VW, or don't VW own them?

Alpha - looks very sexy, great when they go, but not at all rated for reliability.

Kate - road tax here = licence fee in SA. Insurance is required in SA too, as far as I can remember. Both of these are more expensive here, granted, but I can drive with a high level of confidence with respect to other road users having valid licences and cars which are mechanically sound and unlikely to come barrelling across the motorway at me because the driver has decided to do a home job using super glue and cardboard instead of buying proper replacement disk pads for his heavily overloaded, bald tyred taxi.

Safe, generally courteous drivers with a low accident rate. Worth the £500.00 I pay for fully comp ins, road tax and MOT each year.

I agree with you on the high level of control in the UK - absurd. Missing your road tax by 1 day costs you £80.00. However, there is an extremely efficient web and/or telephone service which allows one to pay online, and you do get a polite and timely reminder in the post.

Best of all, NO STANDING IN A SNAIL LIKE LINE and, with centralised databases, no longer have to scrabble for your MOT certificate or insurance papers. They are all online for those nice people in Swansea to see and it takes about one minute.

The downside is privacy and people having access to too much info. I do have a problem with too much control and it is difficult to decide where the line should be drawn. There has been a lot in the press this week about the UK as a surveillance society - something I have blogged about several times in the past.

Apfelshtroodil said...

Stop fucking around and get yourself a BMW. There's a reason its the official car of Joburg. Damn thing doesn't break.

Somabula Blog said...

Mmmmm.... I thought BMW is Joburg stood for Break My windows? Peas has enough of those already!