Friday, November 10, 2006


I went to join E and the others for her birthday drinks after work at Roseboys. This was sorely needed, some Mate Time. Not because I am latched onto my, um boyfriend's lips the whole time - no no. Because I haven't had a toot and giggle with them for what seems like ages. Like, an entire week.

Then I went to um, my boyfriend's house where he cooked me a Jamie Oliver meal. The recipe book of England's famed Essex [hot, mind you] chef was open on the counter, and he made me a fantastic dinner. This was our first mid-week nap-over.
Um Boyfriend: You gonna write about what we did last night in candid detail?
Peas: No. I'm not.
Um Boyfriend: Why? It would be funny.
Peas: Yeah...until your mates all read it and bring it up at a dinner party.
Um Boyfriend: I'd be a legend.
Peas: So would I. But no.

So, onto more pressing matters: I am having serious problems with Lucas our security guard.

And don’t think I haven’t addressed this, because I have.

He hates anything male that walks into my apartment, except for Third Roommate and Ex S. And a lot of males visit my apartment – friends and such – so he probably thinks I’m some kind of hooker.

When we first moved in, he thought Ex S was the best thing since pap and gravy. Loved the oke, and when he moved out last year, Lucas cried more than I did. He didn’t enjoy any boyfriend’s thereafter Ex S. He pokes my guy mates. No, not in that way.
He thrusts his finger into their chests and demands to know why they want to visit me. Doc and Moogs have been on the receiving end of Lucas’ finger on many an occasion. When Ex S came to visit one day he cried tears of joy.

He has a serious speech impediment - in fact, I'm not really sure what Lucas and I discuss past pleasantries - but he's one protective dude.
"Who's this guy?" he demands, addressing Third Roommate and pointing at my um, boyfriend. "What does he want?" Lucas doesn't believe in being discreet, but rather employs the use of blatant rudeness to get his point across.

For some reason he took a liking to Third Roommate. Perhaps because 3RM takes no crap, parks where he pleases, wears a gold chain, and does it with a smile on his face.
Peas: So what’s your secret with Lucas, why does he like you so much?
3RM: Me and Lucas…we just get each other dude.
Peas: Dude, he’s incoherent. He talks in babbles and pokes people.
3RM: I think he feels bad cos my car was almost stolen from outside.
Peas: Um, boyfriend’s car (when we were still mates) was fully stolen from outside and that makes no difference. I’ve spoken to him about having lots of guy friends over and to please be nice to whatever boyfriend walks through the door. And still he acts…aloof. And rude.
3RM: Dude, the trick is to ask him about his life. Like "What's happening big guy?" Whether you understand him or not is irrelevant.
Peas: Cool.

It’s more scary introducing new people to Lucas than my father.


Pete said...

Dude, why so cryptic? Did you boof or didn't you?

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - nope no boofing. I discussed this with him last night however. I said "When we do boof, you do realise of course that there are people out there that want to know about it." So when we do boof, I promise I will let you know. :)

Pete said...

Good:) Some of us like to live vicariously through random online bloggers you know..

Peas on Toast said...

Fair enough. :)

Cryptic Clue Chris said...

Pete: You've altogether missed the pressing matters

Pete said...

Which are?

Cryptic Clue Chris said...

Pete: You really are hard pressed for answers

Peas on Toast said...

ha ha ha :)

Pete said...

Hey I can be cryptic too!

The naked forest has many bacon tortoises for the vegetable basket. One makes the most of the elk, clouds are fluffy but the bedroom has a charmed existance.

Now you have no idea what I'm talking about either!:)

chewthecud said...

Cryptic? Cryptic implies that something has a hidden meaning. Garbage doesn't have a hidden meaning ;P

Daedalus said...

I do not think it is anyone’s business when and who you boof.
Keep it cryptic. ;)

kyknoord said...

Time to face facts. Lucas is in love with you.

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - You're right. I have no idea what you're talking about mate. ;)

D-Guy - thanks dollface. It's more for me too, you see. I will burst if I keep something so hectic to myself! It's just not possible. :)

Kyk - I must be the luckiest bitch in the world. He's quite a catch, tat Lucas, especially when he's pissed and particularly pokey.
Help me.

Suavé said...

Dude, so I thought I saw Ludwig last night. I left a note and everything on the window. Guess it wasnt you. Ah time I guess.

Peas on Toast said...

Serious Suave? Where was he parked? I didn't see a note or anything, but I didn't check. Most importantly: did he have dice hanging from the rearview?

Not to worry, the Ant and I have done the same thing on a Vespa we thought was yours. :)

Suavé said...

At the Bowls of course. And of course there was dice hanging from it, white ones too. That's why I figured it might be him.

I think it went like this:

"Heya Peas

Saw the fluffy dice and I figured it might be you. Just returning the favour. Oh and Ludwig is a beeyoot!


PS - If this isn't Peas then please disregard."

Good thing nobody saw me doing it or else I wouldve been in for a beat down or something of the like.

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Suavie! OK wasn't me as I wasn't at the Bowls Club last night. You mean to say there's a new model Beetle with dice hanging from the rearview? :) Ironically, when we put the note on 'your' Vespa, it was also at the Bowls Club. The guy saw us doing it though, which was a little embarrassing. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Pete - I am guessing Cryptic is trying to get at something being "hard pressed" last night. What on earth was hard pressed has me puzzled. Peas, you get squashed last night??

How was Rose Boys?? Was there lots of Frank & Nina singing away & waiters dancing on the cement counters. I hear that the place may have lost this complete charm and decadence since the new owners??

Revolving Credit said...

Peas & Uncertain Cryptic

I'm most perturbed by this conversation.

'Should we shag?'
'Yes maybe someday'
'How does next year Thursday suit you?'
'I'll need to check my diary.'
'Yes me too'
'I'll have to make the official announcement'
'OK, I'll grammar check the copy if you want'
'Yes, sounds good, did you remember to buy some seeds for Chad?'
'Ok, until Thurday then'
'I'll send an SMS to confirm'

This whole shag planning is starting to sounds a bit to clinical.
Peas: Seize the moment, seize the man. Rather say nothing at all and boof your brains out, but this is all starting to sound rather mechanical. It's a bit depressing.
It's sex, not a visit to the dentist.

Although...'Now open wide'...hahaha

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - Rose Boys was cool thanks babe. New owners? The same chick was still there from what I saw, she even gave E a giant hunk of cake for her birthday...bless.

Rev - LOL. Don't worry, it'll definitely be a seize the moment moment, I promise. It could happen anytime, but I'll only let you know when it happens, not the leading up to it. "Surprise! Guess what everybody, I got laaaaaaaiiiiid last night. :)"

Dentists and shagging just don't mix, do the?

ChewTheCud said...

lol - open wide....

just say aaaaaahhhhhh god yes, yes, yeessssss.... don't stop... oh MY GOD......

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, do I note an edgy, desperate tone is you voice?

PS. Does anyone know if Lucas keeps a diary? Maybe HE should set up a blog.

'Stardate 2006.1107 - Security log'

'Encountered new alien species male no. 357. Poked it to check response and structural consistency. This one definitely has a gelatinous covering, finger prodded deeply into outer covering.
3rd Moon Rock confirmed that this specimen is in trade negotiations with StarPeas Command.
The role of my crew and I is to confirm that this mission goal is actually to foster long term trade relations and not just a reconnaissance for one of those hit-and-run deep strike raids.
Ever vigilant'

'Transmission Ends'

ChewTheCud said...

Rev - Would peas be Janeway then? I vote champers is seven-of-nine ;P

Peas on Toast said...

REV - Yo have just made my day. (AS you tend to do.) THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS.
:) :) :)

Champagne Heathen said...

The crazy lesbian owner is back?!? Excellent!! I need to head back there again soon for more crazy dancing and fun!

And Chews, what are you going on about? 7-of-9?? Is this some Trekkie thing we don't know about?

And Peas, I tend to agree with Rev, just pin him up against a wall & ravage him! Although, maybe after the cycling race. Isn't less sex meant to make you better at sport? Or something. I wouldn't know. I don't play sport!

ChewTheCud said...

lol - i suspect rev knows who jerry ryan is. there's so much star trek out there that everyone should have watched some by now.

Revolving Credit said...

'We are the Borg.
Resistance is futile
You will be ass-stimulated.'

Jam said...

Love the idea of having a doorman body guard...
Now Peas - you have to resolve this shag issue soon. Otherwise it will become a shag issue. I'm all for taking things slowly (hell, even did this myself earlier on this year) but this is getting dire. A girl needs her shags.

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Jam! (And REv, whose on a trekkie high it seems)

Yip, this ensures that the shag will be a GOOOOOOOOD shag.

Champagne Heathen said...

I 2nd Jam on this.

Also, just wanted to say, your cluster map makes the world look like it has measels.