I went to join E and the others for her birthday drinks after work at Roseboys. This was sorely needed, some Mate Time. Not because I am latched onto my, um boyfriend's lips the whole time - no no. Because I haven't had a toot and giggle with them for what seems like ages. Like, an entire week.
Then I went to um, my boyfriend's house where he cooked me a Jamie Oliver meal. The recipe book of England's famed Essex [hot, mind you] chef was open on the counter, and he made me a fantastic dinner. This was our first mid-week nap-over.
Um Boyfriend: You gonna write about what we did last night in candid detail?
Peas: No. I'm not.
Um Boyfriend: Why? It would be funny.
Peas: Yeah...until your mates all read it and bring it up at a dinner party.
Um Boyfriend: I'd be a legend.
Peas: So would I. But no.
So, onto more pressing matters: I am having serious problems with Lucas our security guard.
And don’t think I haven’t addressed this, because I have.
He hates anything male that walks into my apartment, except for Third Roommate and Ex S. And a lot of males visit my apartment – friends and such – so he probably thinks I’m some kind of hooker.
When we first moved in, he thought Ex S was the best thing since pap and gravy. Loved the oke, and when he moved out last year, Lucas cried more than I did. He didn’t enjoy any boyfriend’s thereafter Ex S. He pokes my guy mates. No, not in that way.
He thrusts his finger into their chests and demands to know why they want to visit me. Doc and Moogs have been on the receiving end of Lucas’ finger on many an occasion. When Ex S came to visit one day he cried tears of joy.
He has a serious speech impediment - in fact, I'm not really sure what Lucas and I discuss past pleasantries - but he's one protective dude.
"Who's this guy?" he demands, addressing Third Roommate and pointing at my um, boyfriend. "What does he want?" Lucas doesn't believe in being discreet, but rather employs the use of blatant rudeness to get his point across.
For some reason he took a liking to Third Roommate. Perhaps because 3RM takes no crap, parks where he pleases, wears a gold chain, and does it with a smile on his face.
Peas: So what’s your secret with Lucas, why does he like you so much?
3RM: Me and Lucas…we just get each other dude.
Peas: Dude, he’s incoherent. He talks in babbles and pokes people.
3RM: I think he feels bad cos my car was almost stolen from outside.
Peas: Um, boyfriend’s car (when we were still mates) was fully stolen from outside and that makes no difference. I’ve spoken to him about having lots of guy friends over and to please be nice to whatever boyfriend walks through the door. And still he acts…aloof. And rude.
3RM: Dude, the trick is to ask him about his life. Like "What's happening big guy?" Whether you understand him or not is irrelevant.
It’s more scary introducing new people to Lucas than my father.