Thursday, November 09, 2006

how to handle a cack day

Some people say I’m a borderline alcoholic like it’s a bad thing.
For those people, who are actually either just in denial about their own alcoholic dependencies or are just super dull, fuck off.

For the rest, you’ll understand. The only way I got through this week, for a solid example, is because I drank the following yesterday: 1 x pina colada penis enlarger, 1 x triple vodka and coke, 1 x bottle of wine, shared mind you, with Third Roommate.

Peas: I’ve just been on [whisper] the West Rand..
3RM: Fuck. I'm coming over to pick you up. I’ll just put the phone down before my ear falls off. Why you shouting? Have you been smoking mandrax in Roodepoort or something?
Me: Not as such. Had a good cocktail though. He he. Geddit? Cocktail.
3RM: Right. I’m putting the phone down now.

How to get through a shitty day: (It’s easy.)

The boss hands you a bulldozer-full of work to do before you’ve even had your morning coffee? Self-inebriate.

You haven’t seen your new boyfriend in days and he pops in while you're dressed in a sack? Self-inebriate.

Some of your mates have fallen off the Earth because they’re shagging or have other stuff they’re doing that’s more important? Self-inebriate.

You drive to the West Rand from the East Rand in traffic, taking you 70 minutes? Self-inebriate.

Your windows don’t work, and you’re budgeting to buy new ones, so you leave the aircon off and broil yourself in your own schvitziness? Self-inebriate.

You can’t blame your very short-temper on PMS, you’re actually just a bitch? Self-inebriate.

Feel ugly, incompetent, stupid, fat? Self-inebriate.

SARS informs you that you owe them R2 654? Self-inebriate and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Feel like you cannot take another day of day-in-day-out monotony? Self-inebriate.

Sick of pleasing everyone? Self-inebriate (and tell them to fuck off).

It’s simple. Drove into the bevvie-serving establishment on the West Rand (the purpose for going here was important and worthy, nevertheless), and ordered a triple vodka and coke. That’s what traffic with no windows does to an alcoholic.

If people tell you that drinking through your shit only makes it worse, they’re actually talking a load of jean pant. It’s always helped me. Granted I only get pissed once a week these days, which is just a whole load of stone-washed jean pant in itself. So lay off. Life is pretty darn good, sure, I am happy, I am seeing everyone tonight for E's birthday (happy happy dollface!), and my boyfriend is cooking me dinner.

But sometimes, sometimes, you just have a shit day.

50 comments:

tBerry said...

There ain't nothing wrong with self inebriation. Just know when to stop cos you don't want to end up with PJD's (post jolling depression)...

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."

Peas on Toast said...

tBerry - the sad thing is, I haven't been out in AGES. My usual drink 100 jaegerbombs, dance like an idiot, till 4:00am has kind of stopped. It's nuts! Ineed to go out and get malaid. I just don't feel complete without one weekly smash...

Pete said...

I can't think of a good joke, so before someone else claims it, the malaid thing is screaming for a sexually loaded retort:)

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - After I wrote 'malaid' I knew that either you or Revolving would say something. :) Well done for claiming it!
Yeah perhaps half my problem is sexual frustration.

Antoine said...

It is either booze or sex! Sometimes you need the booze to have the sex. Sometimes the sex causes you to turn to booze.

But never play down the inter-relationship between our vices.

(oh yes - and a bit of weed on the side).

Methinks you need to get "laid ma"

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - Yeah!! Vices rock! None of this "Ah but you shouldn't do this cos you will die" or "God, it's like you're always going out." Vices rock! Never play down the inter-relationship with your vices, I like that. :)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Motto 4 U: “Drink triple, see double, act single”
Use it, lose it, bank it… ;)
PS: Sounds better if you spell it: “kak”

kyknoord said...

You say "super dull" like it's a bad thing.

Jam said...

While I was reading this, I was about to lecture you on how alcohol is actually a depressant...but then I saw you knew this anyway. ;-)
But try and focus on the great things, not the lousy ones. I tend to get myself into tiny knots when I do this. And of course you're always allowed kak days.

tBerry said...

"Tobacco and alcohol, delicious fathers of abiding friendships and fertile reveries. " - Luis Bunuel

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - I think I'll bank that! :)

Kyk - As much as people say, "Jeez do you do anything but go out?" ;)

Jam - Yeah it is. But only the next morning. :) Bad days aside, I'm all good today. :)

tBerry - Awesome quote. Now that's what I'm talking about. ;)

Kevin Cadman said...

Peas, forget what those silly 12 step programs might tell you; you have FULL control over your inebriation!

You're right though: sometimes just going out and getting a bit shit-faced makes things okay. It might not be a permanent solution, but it sure can be the difference between wallowing in self-pity and simply accepting your situation and having a good time in spite of it.

The only other solution is a good bonking. That helps too :)

chewthecud said...

Hmmm - drink a bit less so you can pay for those windows? nah - can't picture that happening. How bout getting males to buy all your drinks? It's easy - act loose. Or start having sex - bound to give ya a boost. Or start having sex and charging for it ;P

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
New question:
Where do you get the bucks to go out like this?
- Poor dewd with 4 pairs of shoes asking ;)

Revolving Credit said...

What a load of horse shit.

Peas if you want to go out and drink, just do it and enjoy it.
When we however look for reasons to do it, try and justify, feel all kak and guilty, thats when you end up being a depressed drunk, broadcasting your lifes woes to all and sundry at the bar.

You need to think back to your previous slogan for this blog - something about ' Unapologetically Crass....'

Don't lose your spirit girl. Fight back.
Tequila should be your wild party friend, not your shrink.

Peas on Toast said...

Kevin - I think it's definitely a permanent solution my dear. :)

Chew - I'll sell my shoes.

D-Guy - Dewd, it's not like I'm breaking my balls/bank balance on alcohol. I go out like once max twice a week. I'm a girl. Which means after three drinks, I'm flying. You therefore, without even knowing it, spend double on booze than I do.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I love you. That's exactly what I was meaning to say in a nutshell. Well done - and thank you. I enjoy my quasi-sober lifestyle, and quite frankly I'm over being lectured about it. You rock.
Please marry me.
;)

Anonymous said...

Hey Peas...

No comment on the alcoholness of things, but just to let you know, I did indeed clean out shoes cupboard last night.. bought these funky deep draw thingies. Lost count of the pairs. All I'm gonna say is: 2 draws of sandals/slops. 1 draw of flats. 2 draws of heels (both closed and open). And 1 draw of converse style trainers. 1 draw of fluffy slipers-slash-miscellaneous.

Decided not to put the winter boots in drawers (because they wouldn't fit). 5 pairs for charity box.

So far so good. And now I have one more shelf to flat pack the jean pant (...s...plural...in excess of 7 pairs)

Yay! feel super organised.

Lisa

chewthecud said...

oh right - at that second-hand shoe shop on the corner right? what was it called again?

how bout drinking out of shoes? there's one thing i never figured out the attraction to.

End of the day we all need to lose stem somehow - you doing a good job of it peas - don't let other people tell you how to live your own life ;P

Anonymous said...

...and i just realised draws shoud be spelt drawers... shit. time for next cup of coffee...

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - Brilliant stuff! I am most impressed! How long did it take you? I'm still sifting through all the crap that is in my cupboard.

Chew - the GTown guys said to me when I was down there in September: "If we send you back in a bodybag Peas, our job here is done." I loved that. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, while I am quite flattered, I'm not sure if it's my commentary that led to this proposal or if it's all the shoes I own thats turning you on??
(You're not trying to sell off MY shoes are you?)

Anon - Drawers??? You're hiding your shoes in your underwear?
Isn't that uncomfortable?

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Dewdette, So that must be the secret then – being boy, I most prolly drink up in one sitting what you would dink in a month. So, being a girl does have some advantageous then.

Nah … you are far from alcoholic or even border lining. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - You see Rev, I am actually in love with you. It's something I've been feeling for quite some time now, and when you introduced me to your shoe collection yesterday, I couldn't hold back any longer. I want to stalk you. Can this be arranged?

PS: I'm only kidding, in case you took this as serious - tis the Net afterall - but I still think you're the shit, the shizzle.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - Don't worry, this Ertjie can still drink most guys under the table if given the chance. :)

C said...

yay, can't wait get inebriated with you...seems like it has been ages!!!

Revolving Credit said...

I spoke to my shoes. They were quite chuffed by the whole stalker concept. According to my left hiking boot, it felt like a bit of a celebrity boot.
May be a bad idea though.
There's me trying to walk thru the mall and there's my left boot constantly trying to veer off to give autographs.
I think this whole celebrity concept may have gone to its heel.

Insane Insomniac said...

I hear you Peas. Everyone needs a good piss up at least once a week. Preferably on a weekend night so you can sleep off the side effects. While in Jozi, I had the inclination to go to my local on a wednesday night (wednesday being the crappiest day of the week) for a drink. Knowing the owner caused me to crawl out of there at 3am. Everytime.
Now in the UK, i'm missing a local, so i drink at home, with my friends. Way cheaper.

Peas on Toast said...

Poen, I expect you to be on top form tonight dudeface!

Rev - it happens. Soon it's heel will start swelling, then you may have to remind your heel to remember the little people. ;)

Insane - Hump Day-Wednesday, I'm with you there. I'll be doing that exact thing tonight, yay!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, you gonna hump tonight??

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Methinks you will really battle with this old club fly under the table. The other night a bar man look at me in shock stating: “You finished a case!”… Okay … after hearing *that* I got drunk … but that is not the point … it is psychological with me. ;)


JeeeZzz Rev ... what a question. :o

Daedalus said...

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yes. I'm going to boof some alcohol. :)

D-Guy - certainly not a coincidence!;)

Kate said...

The value of a night on the piss is more than the alcohol. Its because your mind is set on relaxing, the booze merely facilitates the process. What's not great about heading out on the town with your mates, to act silly and dance wildly?! Who can say that's not a form of therapy?! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Kate - exactly. Therapy. Because most of the time you end up giggling your head off anyway, and laughter has to be the best medicine right? :)

chewthecud said...

laughy more - you'll live longer! everybody loves happy people! It's better for this world to have happy peas in it!

i got a link about the therapuetics of laughing and having fun up on my blog.

Champagne Heathen said...

Disgusting. Absolutely dispicable. Drinking as a form of relieving some tension from the day. Tut Tut Peas. There are far more healthy ways of relieving stress. Such as gym. Or Sex. (Or sex after half a bottle of champagne after a kuk work day...hmmm...let me be nostaligic quickly...sorry...getting distracted from my hypocritical rant...)

I have no point here. I just thought I'd give a comment you couldn't predict from me.

Yesterday, when I took a 5 minute break from a 5 hour morning mtg, my colleague commented she'd have a GnT waiting for me when I get back, considering the traumatised way i looked. I could've kissed her right there. Hell, I could've proposed!

Cryptic Clue Chris said...

glad to see your new boyfriend caught you in the sack. I was wondering when he would...

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Next to alcohol, laughing is my next favourite thing.

Champs - Gym?? No my babe, you can't be serious? *Hands you a cyber g 'n t.* Drink up, I want to be proposed to! :)

Cryptic - oh bloody hell. :)

Crusoe said...

Westrand - hahaha - that's such pants. It was 3 roads away from Northgate shopping centre. So either someone made a monumental cock-up and built Northgate in the West, or you were in fact in the swishy northern suburbs :-)

It was a long drive though and you definitely deserved your cocktails!!

Daedalus said...

Erm Ertjie...
None of my or any other reader's business but, why "oh bloody hell"?

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - LOL. I'm telling you chine, I was on the West Rand! :) But it wasn't the WR itself, it was the getting there. Loved my pina colada! :)

D-Guy - cos I'm trying to work out who Cryptic Chris is. And whether he's seen me in, um, the sack...;)

Champagne Heathen said...

I have become obsessed with post-work gyming in the past few years. Never ever did I think I would. But they got me.

Meanwhile, I just finished lunch. A chilled GnT would go down SO well right now. Peas....I have something I've been meaning to say for a while....*Champs gets down on one knee*...

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Bwhahahaha!!!!! Hahaha …

Crusoe said...

It's a pity you left when you did, you missed out on Andre' getting a little tipsy and launching into a 30 minute explanation of how much he loves his Apple MacBook. He named her Gabrielle and I think they are actually dating! ;-)

WORD!

Revolving Credit said...

Uncertain Chris?????

Koekie said...

I am sooooo behind the times. But I forgive me, because I've been getting drunk.

cheeers to us!

Champagne Heathen said...

Koekie - have you just been getting drunk midday midweek??!!

If so, man, I REALLY need to change my profession!

Revolving Credit said...

She's allowed to get drunk.
What they gonna do? Fire her??

Koekie said...

hahaha... that's exactly what my own work mates said. Now that's ethics. And now I'm going home.

Kisses to Peas and all her groupies!