I broke up with Ex S exactly a year today. It’s our first divorcery. Hectic.
Onto brighter things, I sorted out my shoe collection last night. Why? They are taking up too much space in my cupboard. This has happened before, but I sorted this out with a large wine rack that holds 20 pairs. Ingenius eh?
But right now I have shoe spillage. I have divided my collection into two categories: 1) Those I never wear that look good
2) Those I wear that look good.
See, they all look good, except the pair I bought when hammered out of skull in Andorra on a skiing holiday.
They are beeyoots.
The sensory and emotion perceptions of white snow, schnapps, hot [almost illegally young] French ski instructors that my mate and I were sucking face with, the immediate realisation of a tax-free principality mixed with alcohol meant I had to have them, even though my mate threatened to disown our friendship if I purchased such atrocious shoes. Everyone else bought watches, perfume, cartons of cigarettes, booze, you know, the usual stuff one buys duty-free.
I bought three inch platform Spice Girl shoes in lurid tourquoise.
They made me bounce– ricochet – off a wall of a Spanish nightclub. We experimented to see.
They are absolutely hideous. I adored them straightaway. I was not leaving until they were mine.
They are called ‘Le Freaks.’ I think they’re the reason Ex A (the first ex ever) and I broke up; I loved them, he hated them. I don’t blame him.
Anyway, back to acceptable footwear.
Those I Don’t Wear That Look Good
Suede purple ones (don’t match anything)
Green peeptoe ones (too big)
White air hostess shoes (too big and too porno)
Yellow glittery pumps (forgot I had these, hmmm…I also forgot how nice they are)
Brown suede-and-shiny-thing ones (Thailand special, too used)
Silvery glitter ones (very 1970s flashy)
Tan leather ones (too boardroom)
Cloth-covered stripy ones (um…)
Those I Do Wear Religiously And Still Look Good
Black and white stilettos with cartoon design on them
Black (expensive) leather pointie slingbacks
Metallic blue pumps with big bows
Mock-croc stilettos in white
Mock-croc stilettos in purple
Bronze peeptoe stilettos
Bronze metallic pumps
Hot pink satin babydoll stilettos
Black patent leather stilettos
White pumps with flower on them
Black stiletto boots
Nice wedges without the platform in baby blue and white leather
Ugg Boots (Oh yes. I know, I know)
Brown leather boots (clonky ones)
Red Puma trainers
Diamante and silver slip slops.
Wal-Mart dogs. Huge fluffy slippers with Beagles on the front, $4.50 from the world’s largest supermarket. The best investment I ever made. I walk across the street in them buy pizza. Classy.
That’s like 23 pairs. The rest are in boxes, can’t find them under the other shoes, and I can’t be bothered to dig to the bottom of the pile. Total comes to about 55 pairs. Fuck.
Maybe if I have a garage sale I can start saving for one car window.