Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dear My Creator, Whoever You May Be

Bearing in mind, after attending 1 x Alpha session the other day in order to compromise and attain enough understanding to fair off an argument about the church beyond a lateral manner – I have been talking to you more over the last two weeks than I ever have over the last few years.

Please understand because you are not a tangible thing, and because my life is crazy-fucking-gorilla-monkey-chaotic-stressful, I forget to talk to you sometimes, so in essence, I have written you a letter. Letters rock, dontcha think?

I believe you have a sense of humour, this much is obvious, since you did make me, and according to general societal inflictions, I’m a fucking nutcase, so please take this from whence it comes:
Please. Can. Everyone. Just. Fuck. Off. Perhaps I’m tired of this bloody city, and because we know that I’m living largely in limbo with regards to everything at the moment, I can’t see the woods from the trees. So I’m asking You to help me with a few things, if that’s alright.

Firstly, please help me to sharpen my reaction time enough so that when there is an asshole driver within my proximity, my middle finger will raise quickly enough in order for this driver to absorb my contempt. I realise driving around with my middle finger up at all times makes me look psycho, and my hand gets sore sitting in traffic like this for twenty minutes. Also, the people that wave or smile at me in a vehicular blockage are probably nice and, by default, don’t deserve to be zapped. I need a general sharpening of the upper cerebellum, so I can engage my fury hastily and also be more creative on a general scale, for if I’m not, I won’t be paid, and then there’ll be endless trouble. I’ll need to move back in with my folks, and I’ll probably be a bit miffed with you. That would be really, really nice.

Also, why does everyone WANT something from me? If it’s not the guy selling Homeless Talk on one corner, it’s the blind person on the next corner, or the legless chap sitting on the traffic circle intersecting Corlett and Oxford. They all want something from me, and I’m finding it hard to be nice and keep my cool, or be patient, or saintly, or give every single one of them R2. Besides impoverishment, which I understand is a problem in this cruel world, I get useless fucking spam sms’ from the cycle lab, or the chick I vaguely know who sells Honey Jewellery and wants me to pick up the bloody catalogue, or my dad wants me to get Skype, or, or or…it’s my new insurance company. OK scratch the last one, as this comes as a welcome. I am now a part of the Outsurance family.

You might’ve cottoned on ifrom our last couple of conversations that I’m dealing with a problematic lack of self-esteem at the moment, oh thine creator of mine. I’d appreciate it if you could make me feel pretty again. Or give me like, one good hair day. Or perhaps do something that is deemed valuable by someone else, so that I feel confident in my abilities again. This includes everything, like pulling off loud trousers to systematically brilliant work protocol.

Generally, please help me see through the haze that envelopes me like a dark cloud and make me realise why I am here, please. I realise you only help those that help themselves, but I may even be past this point right now.

But so far, thanks very much for my gold shoes, for [on-and-off, unpredictable and slow] internet connection, that it’s Tuesday not Monday, for regular bowel movement, for smoked salmon and cilantro, for the refuge that is my apartment, for Home & Away, for my unsurprising lack of interest in sports and instead for the bookworm imbibing trait succumbing to the absorption of literature in a horizontal position, and for my long neck and not giving me cankles.

Also for those – and this is important – who love me unconditionally, even if I do have hairy feet and hate Tuscan architecture.
Sincerely, and here’s to a good give-and-take relationship,

Peas On Toast

30 comments:

other-duke said...

The only time Tuscan architecture doesn't suck is when it's actually in Tuscany

Peas on Toast said...

I used to think so too O-D. But even now my interest is waning, and if the Travel Channel is doing a bit on Umbria, for example, the monotony of the terracottas and blue shutters reminds me of Montecasino and I switch to MTV.

Urk said...

when speaking to your maker, can you please ask him/her/it to bring back creoles chips.oh, and dr. pepper and mellow yellow. and take two. and guns 'n roses.

Peas on Toast said...

I'll ask for mellow yellow, but guns & roses can stay in it's 90s closet Urk. ;)

Hot Pink Flush said...

Keep praying, babe, we all need it! (I had anotehr armageddon dream last night, but it did end with everyone lovely in Jozi in a gorgeous Noetzie type castle in Bryaston with an underground heated pool, so it wasn't all bad. ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Hot pink - hectic my dear! I was worried about my latest recurring dream/nightmare: giving birth to dogs. Scary shit. I've had it twice, where I swan around with an inflated belly, and then I give birth to cocker spaniels.
Apparently, according to dreamdictionary.com, I'm scared about my life and decisions at the moment. Hmm.

Urk said...

belinda carlisle then? she and axl - they have the same hair.

Peas on Toast said...

Now Belinda I could do.

"Circles in the sand, round and round..."

Antoine said...

Outsurance? I assume you had a look at their lovely record on HelloPeter.........

muddlepuddle said...

Oh thank god ur back!
The sun is shining the birds are singing again - you're back!!
*huge sigh of relief and contentment*

This creator dude of yours is good!
He even managed to make me happy by simply returning your int connxn!

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine..errr no. Just answer me this: are there less complaints about Outsurance as there are about First For Women?

Muddle - ah, bless! Thanks my dear, I'm glad somebody missed me! It's good to be back, there are only so many games of Solitaire I can play before I go insane due to lack of 'Net... xx

Pete said...

Urk - Bring back teh creoles!!

Urk said...

im trying...im trying..

Insane Insomniac said...

While you have the attention of the creator, ask him who I pissed off in a past life and how I can make them happy - cos they're really getting thier moneys worth this lifetime!

As for self esteem...If you can pull off gold shoes, gold handbag, and a gold bikini (lets pretend you got it) then there is NO problem in that department!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - Well if you were a slug in your past life, I'm sure Buddha/God/Jesus/Jah will be consulted so that you come back as, say Heidi Klum in the next life? ;)
Thanks babe, but even with the gold I feel out of sorts. Who knows eh?

Antoine said...

Nope: Methinks outsurance is top of the (s)hit list at HPeter

Urk said...

should be renamed to lout-surance

Peas on Toast said...

Oh dear. I fear another shit storm above my head regarding insurance matters. Sigh...

3rm said...

it sounds to me like you're lacking some thc

Peas on Toast said...

THC? As in TLC?

Urk said...

methinks as in mari-juuuu-wanna

3rm said...

urk's got it

storm said...

welcome back!!! with regards to the insurance....i've heard both good and bad. the problem with outsurance is that they count your out bonus as a claim...so eventually you lose your no claim, cause they give you money..which causes your premiums to stay rather high. In reality it's a long and boring explanation..but if you'd rather have a no claim record(which is good) don't take the outbonus..........for those of you wondering, i have a friend who'se a financial planner..

Peas on Toast said...

Ah thanks Storm! Interesting...let's hope I get to choose at the end of the day (no accidents permitting!)

Revolving Credit said...

Mmm....sounds like donor fatigue!!

R2 here, R5 there, pretty soon you've given the cash value of that golden bikini to the guy at the traffic intersection.
(And we all know that you'll look sooo much better in it than the legless beggar, hairy feet and all)

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah! Not to mention the small fortune one has to fork out to pay the car guards.
Let's see....R2 at least five, six times a week. R12 a week, R50 a month. That's at least one third of a bikini. :)
I never did find it you know....

Revolving Credit said...

What did this bikini look like?
I thought you'd have found it while in Cape Town!

Jam said...

Peas dearest - all of this you can offer to yourself...with some practice. consider yourself duly *hugged*

Richard said...

Good luck with the self-esteem thing. The best thing I've found is to for go all the transient, ephemeral things that don't matter and work towards something big. I've exchanged TV for studying and just seems like such a better use of my time.

eastcoastjac said...

Well hello :-)
I was stumbling around the net, looking for someplace to take my hubby for his birthday, and quite accidentally found your blog. Just to say, I like it. You write the way I think. I'll be back for more.
Thanks.