Friday, January 05, 2007

directionally fucked

What is it about Cape Town?

It happened again last night on returning back from Knysna. Cruising down Sir Lowry's Pass, past the Somerset Mall. One minute we're on the highway, the next we're navigating our way through Khayelitsha. At the flick of a switch.
At 9:00pm. Shacks and windswept roads, in the Pajero.

Before I left for Knysna, I drove home after a boozy dinner at my uncle's place on the peninsula - and suddenly - again - I'm in fudging Ottery.
A friend of mine who studied with me here once said: If God ever took a crap, it landed in Ottery.
He was right you know.

I have this aversion to the Cape Flats. I get lost in this town so much and for no logical reason at all. Smoking Legs, being the driver, has now also found an aversion for shackville it seems.

As a student, I was a regular in Grassy Park, Philippi and the bottom end of Wetton Road. Not because I wanted to, it just happened.

I'm now at my father's place in Fish Hoek. One wonders whether I'll be in Ocean View by the end of the afternoon.
Three more days of holiday, so much Cape Flats to see. I wonder if pops is keen?
Tomorrow he takes me and Smoking Legs for a flip in his plane, and Smoking Legs is duly shitting himself if not for the lawnmower engine, but for the conversation he will have toi make in the aircraft with my father.

I can just imagine:
Dad: So...Dick. What kind of a name is that?
Smoking Legs: Um, yeah... [shifts uncomfortably in seat]
Dad: You shtoinking my daughter?
Smoking Legs: No. Definitely not.
Dad: Good. You sure?
Smoking Legs: Oh quite positive.
Dad: [veers plane towards mountain]Because if you are...
Smoking Legs: I'm not! [rocky outcrop looms closer]
Dad:[narrowly misses cliff] Good. Keep your wanger in your pants, boy.
Smoking Legs: Trust me Mr Toast, I really really will. [whispers under breath] I'm gonna kill Peas...

It's going to be an interesting couple of days here.


Insane Insomniac said...

you can see everyone is still on holiday - i'm the first to comment twice now. hehehe.

I agree that Cape Town is one of the most fucked up cities to drive in. Nothing makes sense there!!!

Enjoy the last few days of your vaca!

Lollipop said...

LOMA on father and 'Dick' in plane. Hardi har har.

Dont worry about being totally directionless, I must hold the record for the person to get lost on the simplest fckn route ever. It gets better with time. Now I only get lost around Northern Jozi.

Soak up Slaapstad and come back nice and rested

Wezzo said...

Cape Town is one amazing city, love it! But always arrive depressed as the first scenery you get to see after leaving the airport is shackville.

Hot Pink said...

I have to agree with you on Cape Town driving...almost as bad as Cape Town drivers...

And yet, they insist their roads make sense. They make no fucken sense at all! They talk about being on this or that side of the mountain. It's a mountain, people, looks the same no matter which side you look at it from! And as for the sea, hopw does it do that thing that when you come round the corner from Camps Bay towards Hout Bay, it changes sides? Jirre Jusis!

Ours make sense. In Jozi you have two highways, one North>South, and one ring round it. Then you have Oxford/Rivonia going N>S as well. and everything else pretty much follows.

(and if it doesn't, you are behind the boerewors curtain, so catch Sandton City in your sites, line it up with Ponte, like you would with a gun shot viewfinder, and head for it. Whadaya mean you can't see Sandton City? That's a sure sign you are going nowhere good!)


Champagne Heathen said...

Never fear, even if you get lost in the heart of Athlone on your way to Tokai from Claremont, at 5am, on your own as a slightly pissed chick, there will always be some friendly resident to take your number & tell you to follow his car out of the area! And then he might phone you later and ask you on a date!?!?

Disclaimer: this theory is based on a 1 time experience, and the researcher holds no responsibility if others' research results in lost or stolen anything.

Good luck with those roads Peas! And man, oh man, enjoy that darling Cape WITH a glass of something good, white and wine-like!!

MsMozi said...

And driving around Cape Town with a GP licence plate makes it even more fun. The Capetonian drivers make it their mission to confuse you... or drive you off the road completely.

kyknoord said...

That's priceless. I guess the map turned out to be more ornamental than useful.

Dick said...

Kyk - I left the map in the back of the boot in the bottom of my suitcase - schoolboy error, huh! ;)

Hiya everyone - Cape's great, even the flats. :)

Dick said...

Liar I have no fear :)