Wednesday, January 03, 2007

how do you know you're a pirate?

...because you just arrrrrr.

The joke for three days. No stopping. Other people must hate us. In fact, Smoking Legs, Ramone and I have so been in pirate character, I want to be a pirate for real.

No for real. See it all started out on the boat this morning, chugging it up the Knysna River, eating cheese and talking like Long John fucking Silver. Then we stopped at Crab's Creek after swimming and generally arrrrsing around in the water and off the boat for a tot.

Waiter: What can I get you?
Us: Rum, we're pirates, arrrr.
Waiter: Ok , like, whatever. Freaks.

Hanging with our wang out, rocking with our cock out. Something like that.

Oh fuck, the realisation that I had a tot of rum after the sweeping New Year's resolution of 'I'll never get drink...for a while' has just been thrown out the window not three days later.

Oh well. It was rum, and today I was a pirate. I bet pirates are philandering pigs that shag women and loot treasure all day long. Now that is the life.
I'll try to remain in caricature for at least another five days until I get back to my godforskaen desk.

Boss: Please fax the clients/write three articles on roast lamb/suck my dick/hold a meeting.
Peas: But I'm a pirate. Arrrrr.

Boss: Please phone the London office and tell them half their staff is retrenched.
Peas: Arrrrr, sir.

OK, like whatever. The fresh sea air is clouding my mind.

Things I've done and seen this holiday:

1) An obscene number of blingola houses inside, filled with Bose sound systems, servants that wear gloves and caviar.
2) Plett beaches.
3) Tourists not withstanding Joburgers.
4) A fire burning down a mountain in Kalk Bay.
5) Smoking Legs' backside.
6) Smoking Legs' extended family.
7) My extended family.
8)New wrinkles on my face. Not good news. Blocking this out.
9) Had an argument started by Smoking Legs' granny with Smoking Legs about religion, Christian fundamentalists and the church.
10) Watching him throw himself off the bridge of Bloukrans attached to a bungee cord.
12) Thesen Island, the idyllic pleasantville clapboard village which makes 'perfect' look flawed.

Been on the water for like 100 hours today.


mrs chuck brown said...

OMIGOD! I'm the first to comment!!

Hoops said...

AAAARrrrrGGHHHHhhhh indeed! I think I am the only qualified pirate round here.

Lauri you byatch, hows it going??? This is Sarah Hoops checking in from the Caribbean.
Yep, I am now a fully fledged caribbean chica and have met my fair share of pirates over these last 2 months so bring on your best Aaaaarrrrr matie!

So Heppie Nude year and all the rest... It sounds like nothing much has changed since we last chatted over a coffee at rosebank (or got totally trashed in some jacuzzi at your Greek birthday), you're still one CrEEEEzY byatch!

love ya!

Richard said...

In some religions, pirates are considered divine beings

Long live Mosey The Pirate!

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rachel said...

Maybe you'll have to get back into pirate character again later in the year...

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Champagne Heathen said...

Ja ja, enough of this beach/rum/river talk.

Dear Peas, I am not visiting your site again until you have your ass back at your desk and are in as much hungover detoxing pain as the whole six of us in the entire of Jo'burg working this week.

This resolution may prove as successful as your moment of no-drinking mania.

sob. just have a tot of rum for me anytime today before 5pm. sob.

Hot Pink said...

Hey Peas!


you should come pirating with us at zoo lake sometime... we take a boat and try find girl guides to walk the plank!

Peas on Toast said...

chuck brown - you win china! ;)

Caribbean chicken - shut up get out of town! How are you Hoops? (Have no idea who Laurie is, but hey ;) Shitters, was thinking of you the other day wondering where on Earth you were - so I see you're a real pirate! Bitch! :) I wanna be a real pirate too. Please send me an email with all your news! xx

richard - divine they are!

rachel - you beauty! So keen, brilliant - I'll rop in Dick and Ramone too.

Champs - arrrrr! Sending you some rum from the sunny shores of the southern cape shores, arrrrr! I'll be back in the office on the 8th officially - I took an extra weekend of leave, I'm a sneaky bastard eh? ;)

Hot pink - awesome, we can make names for ourselves, walk the plank, drink rum and generally make a fool of ourselves. Love it!