...because you just arrrrrr.
The joke for three days. No stopping. Other people must hate us. In fact, Smoking Legs, Ramone and I have so been in pirate character, I want to be a pirate for real.
No for real. See it all started out on the boat this morning, chugging it up the Knysna River, eating cheese and talking like Long John fucking Silver. Then we stopped at Crab's Creek after swimming and generally arrrrsing around in the water and off the boat for a tot.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Us: Rum, we're pirates, arrrr.
Waiter: Ok , like, whatever. Freaks.
Hanging with our wang out, rocking with our cock out. Something like that.
Oh fuck, the realisation that I had a tot of rum after the sweeping New Year's resolution of 'I'll never get drink...for a while' has just been thrown out the window not three days later.
Oh well. It was rum, and today I was a pirate. I bet pirates are philandering pigs that shag women and loot treasure all day long. Now that is the life.
I'll try to remain in caricature for at least another five days until I get back to my godforskaen desk.
Boss: Please fax the clients/write three articles on roast lamb/suck my dick/hold a meeting.
Peas: But I'm a pirate. Arrrrr.
Boss: Please phone the London office and tell them half their staff is retrenched.
Peas: Arrrrr, sir.
OK, like whatever. The fresh sea air is clouding my mind.
Things I've done and seen this holiday:
1) An obscene number of blingola houses inside, filled with Bose sound systems, servants that wear gloves and caviar.
2) Plett beaches.
3) Tourists not withstanding Joburgers.
4) A fire burning down a mountain in Kalk Bay.
5) Smoking Legs' backside.
6) Smoking Legs' extended family.
7) My extended family.
8)New wrinkles on my face. Not good news. Blocking this out.
9) Had an argument started by Smoking Legs' granny with Smoking Legs about religion, Christian fundamentalists and the church.
10) Watching him throw himself off the bridge of Bloukrans attached to a bungee cord.
12) Thesen Island, the idyllic pleasantville clapboard village which makes 'perfect' look flawed.
Been on the water for like 100 hours today.