Thursday, January 18, 2007


Last night I did the usual things after arriving home after work.
Snacked compulsively from the refrigerator, put loud music on, poured a glass of wine not doing that at the moment, taking a long languid bath, then watching Home & Away.

But I took it one step too far and completely freaked me and The Ant (when she arrived home much later) out.
I was told, that after Yves got saturated in monocycliaticstereac-bi-nucleol acid, that he would fall off from underneath after a few days. I should probably pull him off.

Yves was a sizeable wart.

And last night I realised he was much more attractive as a gnarly hump than a hole in my knee.

I lifted it up to find a giant hole and showed The Ant. I nearly vomited, she went ‘tut tut, just put some of this tea tree oil on it.’

[high pitched mono-syllabic scream]

It is unbelievably and exceptionally gross. And so sore, I’m walking round like someone who has one leg longer than the other.

On a better note, I’m reading American Pyscho. The man is incredible. (And insane of course, what with the expletives on blood and chainsaws and the merging of the sanguine and said chainsaw). But he can just rattle off an entire outfit on all the persons he bumps into in a coke-induced stupor at a nightclub or his co-workers.
“She’s wearing a Carducci woollen chemise, with a Herm├ęs scarf. Her woollen, pleated Oscar de la Renta pencil skirt, accentuates her crocodile Christian Louboutins…”
Impeccable and near impossible detail, surely?
No one could possibly remember every single Spring Collection item that say, Pierre Cardin has made? The observations of a true professional. The minutiae is unbelievable.

Then The Ant told me there was a time when she could do this. Of course the collections were more in light of the lesser known haute couturists.
“Your outfit…let me see…top from YDE, jeans from Pulsate, shoes from, most certainly the Oriental Plaza. Shop unsure, but probably Mohammed’s Shoes or something like that…accessories, notably that cuff bracelet…Phillippa Green… jacket from Big Blue as well.”

Amazing. Must be the Itye upbringing.

And Itye she is: if this is not an example of her Ityeness, then what – pray – is?
The Ant knows the Fattis and the Monis. As of South Africa’s favourite pasta products: Fattis & Monis.
Not one. Both families.
Her grandfather came out to make pasta and then got bought out by them. She says for some reason her grandfather isn’t on particularly friendly terms with the Monis, but the Fattis seem pleasant.
One Fatti went out with The Ant’s friend. Mrs Moni used to be a regular shopper at the store The Ant worked at back in the day. Knowing a Fatti or a Moni is just about as good as say, knowing Mrs Ball of Mrs Ball's Chutney.

Now that’s heritage.

The only claim to fame I have with my original French ancestry is that a French boyfriend I had was second cousins with Pierre Cardin.

(Smoking Legs: I have a meatball recipe.
Peas: Mmmmm… meaty, juicy balls.
Smoking Legs: I'll make you some juicy balls Wednedsay night.)

So excited for some juicy balls!


Jam said...

Okay now I feel ill too after your description of Yves' demise.
But it doesn't make me feel quite as ill as reading "American Psycho" did. Now THAT made me feel DESPERATELY sick. The movie wasn't even as bad because it just didn't get as graphic.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it's graphic hey? Last night I read about the movie he hired: Inside Lydia's Ass. It was disgusting.
But like a trainwreck, I can't turn away....

Ramone Allones said...

Isn't patrick batemen a riot, the guy is completely off his rocker... "i feel my veil of sanity start to slip.... i feel my nighly blood lust overflow into my days" what a hoot!

wait till you meet his brother and his mother WAhahaha.

But look beyond the gore and there is an important message about society. one that is quite evident when you visit there.

ok, i'm done. gotta clean out my fridge, starting to stink in there!

Peas on Toast said...

Ramone - what's up with your fridge mate?

Yip, it's a brilliant book - just because it shows how shallow and unbelievably backless the upper 'echelons' of society was during the 90s.
Am enjoying it. Even though I puke a little in my mouth every third chapter or so...;)

kyknoord said...

So Yves has been replaced by Ow Gore, has he? You should make your own doccie: An Excruciating Truth

Peas on Toast said...

Kyknoord: And becuase I'm moral, I'd conclude the doccie with..."Keep the mountain. Cos the hole is way worse."

Revolving Credit said...

The haute couture makes its sounds less like American Pyscho and more like American Homo

Hot Pink Flush said...

Hey Peas...Yeah I remember American Psycho. Loved it! Crazy ole book that. And in typical tradtion, lead to me reading everything he had ever written. Now if you want psycho-warped but far less obvious (and exceedingly brillinat mash-up of literature/reality forth-wall stuff) try his laest, Lunar Park.

Excellent. But my fave still has to be Glamorama, although the critics never loved it.

Now, if you want that creepy feeling, but without the overt OTT-'American'-ness but the same vein of commentary on contemporary society, try Japanese author Haruki Murakami.

And thus end's Hot Pink's Lit Crit for the day...


Hot Pink Flush said...

Er...yeah...lit crit I learned, but clearly not how to spell ;-)

it's still early, forgive me

Elle said...

American Psycho. awesome book, I read it in two days could not put it down, it is so fascinating! Does saying that make me a psycho? hmmmm.. Guess we're all a little nutty.. hehehe... Yves's demise sounds horrid.. terribly sorry.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - you'd think. The guy also goes on about: I wash my face with a water-activated gel wash, then a honey and milk deep-pore mask, then some Touch-Slick Clinique blemish moisturiser, followed by an eye gel and a walnut shell deep exfoliator.

Hot Pink - excellent! Thanks my friend, I thoroughly love the detail with which he writes, so I'll definitely look at his other books. Keen as mustard!

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - no babe, I highly doubt you are pyscho. I mean, here's a dude that likes to stick nail guns into the back of people (wearing Valentino couture's) heads. ;)

Urk said...

sounds like XXX fashion porn! the fashionistas must get outta control when reading that!

other-duke said...

Ityes are tremendously full of pride. Example:

I have an Itye friend, Savario. He only speaks Italian to his family, plays soccer for a local Italian club, works at an Italian restaurant and even went so far as to have "ITALY" tattooed onto his forearm in bold (but not ITALic strangely) calligraphy font - after they won the World Cup. It's unbelievable!

On the plus side, when that hole in your knee heals, you can use it for the salt when slamming tequilas :)

Kevin Cadman said...

Peaslet... the hole will eventually heal! Promise!

I had one of those sordid things on my finger many years ago... I also had the customary hole to go along with it. Although unsightly, it's simply something you have to wait through in order to read normality! :P

Guess you won't be... uuuh... 'on your knees' anytime soon though ;) Sorry Dick!

Elle said...

hehehe.. Yay! I am not nuts. it's rather odd hey, dressing up in Valentino to kill people. That is indeed not normal. What you must read though Peas, if you have not, is the Hannibal Lecter Trilogy. I am reading it now.. oooh it's a goodie.

FlatDog said...

Hi Peas! First off, rockin' blog... Never gave 'em much of a chance, but yours has got me hooked. I can't get enough of these damn things! And it's all YOUR fault! :)

As for American Psycho, talk about disturbed. But brilliant. One of the most "important" books I've read for a long time, in terms of a piece of literature. You simply HAVE TO read another of Brett Easton Ellis' books, "Rules of Attraction". I cannot recommend it enough. Both those books were made into movies, neither of which did the author or his work any justice. Totallyunputdownable!

Peas on Toast said...

Urk - yeah can you imagine..."I'd dig to kill someone in Cole-Haan heels...hmmm"

O-D - That's hilarious! Don't give the Ant any ideas now - you shoulda seen her when they won the World was a sad day for France indeed...

Kev - soooo glad to hear the hole will heal. It's most unbecoming. And touche, an't get on my knees. ;)

Elle - Hannibal, now that's what I like to hear. Cept the part in the movie where he sauteed a guy's brain...

Flatdog - why thank you! Between you and Hot Pink, am totally convinced I must read more of his stuff. ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

Aw, Peas...Like Kevin said, the hole will heal...but definitely keep the tea tree oil on it.

Think of it as a battle scar. scars are cool, in a way.

As for teh labels - I'm so fashion retarded, i couldn't tell teh difference between a Pep Stores pencil skirt and a chanel number.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Insane. In a fit of hysetria last night I stuck the wart back in the hole. Cos it looked too gaping and gross. So hopefully it'll fall out eventually, but for now it sticks...with tea tree oil.

Sigh. Shudder.

Revolving Credit said...

If you're so repulsed by the hole, cover it with a Mickey Mouse plaster.

If you're really self-conscious about it, think of it as a knee dimple.

Peas on Toast said...

Maybe I can bling it up. Like put a large diamond in the hole.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Revolving Credit said...

That,s the spirit, stick a big diamond in the hole and rename your knee Kimberly.

Peas on Toast said...

[Chortle chortle]

Yves has been replaced by a girl. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe you should name your other knee as well, just so it doesn't feel left out.

Peas on Toast said...


The other knee (the left) is supremely more supeior than Kimberly right now.

He shall hence be called...


Revolving Credit said...

That is, like, so superior!!

They really think they're the Peas knees, don't they!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah knees. Can't live with 'em, can't without 'em.

Rev I found a blog this morning that I think you might enjoy - it's hysterical. It's on top of my blogroll - haiku porn or whatever.