Thursday, March 01, 2007

not for sensitive readers - including you, mum.

Peas: Dude?
Ant: Yeah?
Peas: Do you like the word…..p.u.s.s.y?
Ant: No. Not really. I prefer cunt.
Peas: Oh me too. It’s clean, clinical and straight to the point.
Ant: Fanny?
Peas: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Ant: I don’t enjoy terms like ‘hard on.’ It’s ‘You have an ‘erection.’
Peas: An ‘erection?’ No way dude. A ‘woody’ or bust.
Ant: Or like ‘go down on you.’ Eeeew.
Peas: Oh no that’s much better! Than say um, ‘muff dive.’
Ant: ‘Yonnie’ is awful.
Peas: Well I used call it a ‘nonny.’
Ant: 'Fnoo' is the best word for it.
Peas: Yeah 'fnoo' is great. ‘Fuck me in my fnoo.’
Ant: Well where else are they gonna fuck you, I mean…I know you’re not Anal Peas.

[pause]

Ant:…what would you say if you were asked ‘can I put my cock in your cunt?’
Peas: I’d laugh my head off. Why?
Ant: No…nothing.
Peas: Oh my God.
Ant: What do you think about ‘beef curtains?’
Peas: It reminds me of carpaccio. Not good.
Ant: You know what my worst three are. And no don’t say them out lo…
Peas: MAKING LOVE? Like ‘Brooke makes love to Ridge in the Bold & The Beautiful?’
Ant: [gag, cough]
Peas: Moist, panties, making love?
Ant: You’re a sick fuck. You know what that does to me.
Peas: What…get you moist in the panties?
Ant: Let's change the subject. 'Gheschmutzen' rocks.
Peas: It fucking rocks. I love German soft porn words.
Ant: If you blog about this, I’ll laugh if this is the day your mum decides to log on and read it. It’ll serve you right.
Peas: I really really really hope she doesn’t read it today.
Ant: Stranger things have happened.
Peas: Personally I like the word ‘poen.’
Ant: Oh yeah, how did we manage to have a whole conversation without the word ‘poen?’
Peas: Unbelievable.
Ant: Wow.

57 comments:

ChewTheCud said...

Guys do that all the time ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Well that's gratifying. :)

DaveRich said...

Don't forget the old Aussie classic
"Go on then love, show us yer Pot Scourer."

Third World Ant said...

Hello poenie poen poen!

Jam said...

Little Pink Toilet Squirrel.
I heard this the other night (although not in bed) and laughed until I cried.

GoDsGiMp said...

Just 'Jim' thanks

Champagne Heathen said...

Ak - Jam, stop encouraging Darling D to carry on creating such phrases!!

Show us yer front bum. Delightful.

Velvet meat purse.

Peas, since when have you had sensitive readers??

Nic said...

"Cookie" is without a doubt one of the worst words to use for the poen. It freaks my mates out so much. Try it with your next bf and watch him squirm!

This is really one of the most humorous posts I have read in a long long time peas. Great work! :)

Jam said...

I could encourage him Champs if he keeps coming up with comments like that!
Personally, I think "cunt" is preferable. All these euphemisms. Takes the "dirty" out of sex.

DaveRich said...

"Guava"...thats kinda cute too.

kyknoord said...

I'm rather fond of "nether regions". It's evocative of all things dark, hot, moist and exotic. It's also a bit of a mouthful.

Peas on Toast said...

DaveRich - That is HYSTERICAL. Pot scourer?? I'm adding that to my dictionary dude. :)

Ant - hello poenie! Where's real Poen? We must get her onto here.

Jam - Also, fucking hilarious! Another one for the ol' dictionary.

Godsgimp - Jim?? My 'jim' is sore? LOL.

Champs - Show us the front side of your bum hey hey hey! A classic anthem at varsity. Poen/C and I made a Jewish derivative of this: Show us the front side of your tochas! Some people are sensitive - like those in Bloemfontein and my mother. :)

Nic - Hilarious! I had an ex who used to call it a cookie. He'd grab it in public and scream 'COOOKKKKIEEEE'. I thought it was hilarious, other people thought it was a little strange....

Daverich - Guave is fantastic. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - ...and you can shorten it to 'nethers' which is great. :)

Kevin Cadman said...

Nic... no way dude! Cookie rocks the party. I think it's one of the simplest yet crudest forms!

Ey, I'm from the Bluff. There was this party at some club once. I recall this teenage Afrikaans girl coming running out of the bushes screaming "Nee! Nee! My cookie brand!"

It was fucking classic.

Another classic scene is one from the show 'Entourage' where Ari Gold calls Chase a cunt-muscle. Haha, awesome.

One of my worst has to be 'poes'. Argh, what a disgusting word.

Other words that rock have to be the classic 'vagina' and definitely 'meat-port'.

"Skattie, kan ek my love-muscle in jou meat-port op sit?"

God, my Afrikaans is terrible!

I can see where the conversation is going to go tomorrow night!

jon said...

The coffee that just spewed out of my mouth thankfully missed my keyboard. Todays post is without a doubt one your finer works, well played to both peas and ant :)

Absolute classic jam, I think I just weed a little.

Betenoir said...

ugh. beef curtains. gag. not so much carpaccio as the checkers meat section in its entirety. rule of thumb: if you refer to beef curtains in my periphery and you will never get anywhere near mine.

although I used to have an ex who used to refer to my "scented love garden" with no sense of irony. It used to make my uterus try to crawl up and away from him.

Peas on Toast said...

Kevin - 'vagina' and 'poes.' I just threw up in my mouth again.

That cookie story is a classic, though. The Bluff eh? Tell me more!

Jon - I'm glad you projectiled over your keyboard my china. :)

Guys, please check out Third World Ant's post today - mine is tame in comparison, it's CLASSIC.

Peas on Toast said...

Betenoir - Scented love garden? Holy fuck! People have imaginations hey - and yours about the Checkers meat section is priceless. Disgusting, but priceless!

johnnyquarterback said...

otter's pocket - as in she's wetter than an otters pocket

knob gobbler

dick holster (one for you peas)

ninja slipper - classic

and my all time favourite - GROWLER. it has connotations of a little veeg-monster with teeth lurking behind those moist panties

what a classic post.

Anonymous said...

my fav is panty hamster

Hot Pink Flush said...

Peas! I believe we had the "Fnoo" conversation a while back, did we not? (hint: pet name for a friends daughter?)

I prefer cunt or cookie.

But I used the word "Gwat" with an old (male) friend the other day and it had us both laughing for about 30 minutes straight! Just say it and you'll see what I mean.

Besides, Peas and Ant, what happened to the old faithful Vajayjay?

GoDsGiMp said...

What you mean you don't name yours..

Revolving Credit said...

'Come on luv, show us ya growler!'

But seriously Peas, I dare you to re-write this post as a German Gangsta Rap!!

Peas on Toast said...

Johnny Q - ninja slipper? dick holster? Oh my God, man that's funny! :) How am I going to do any work today??
Growler - not a fan!

Anon - man oh man, this just gets better and better!

Hot Pink - 'gwat', a definite favourite!
The Ant coined 'fnoo' for me and I haven't looked back - poor kid though. ;)
And vajayjay - I don't know how we left that one out! Another beeyooody!

Godsgimp - Mine is a poen. Simple, clean and....brilliant. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I like the challenge, will get on it! What's growler in ze deutsche?

GoDsGiMp said...

Thats so mean, why not just name him/her cunt.. has feelings too you know

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, how would you moan in German??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ooohh, zeigeist, blitzkrieg, schneller, schneller, SCNHELLER!

Revolving Credit said...

By the way, you're worried about your mom reading this but what to you reckon Smokin's reaction will be, privacy issues and all?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - where do you see his name in the entire post?? This conversation isn't talking about Smoking is it?

DaveRich said...

Growler in German...hmmm.
Direct translation is "der Brumbar"
Vagina is "de Mose" or "de Sheide"
Cunt is "de Fotze"
Pussy is "de Meitzekatze"
Okay Peas, put those in the mix and rhyme it baby...

Peas on Toast said...

DaveRich - ahhh, but what's a poen? :)
THose are quite an um, mouthful! :)

DaveRich said...

No poen in the dictionary, sorry!
Penis is...
"Pimmel"
"Schniedel"
or "Schwengel"

other-duke said...

That was great.

HI PEAS' MOM!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - ah bugger. Schwengel and schniedel? God I love the German language!

OD-Hiya skat! I'd better phone her and see how she is.

Third World Ant said...

Peas / Rev - "ooohh, zeigeist, blitzkrieg, schneller, schneller, SCNHELLER!"

You forgot the "Nicht stop, bitte!" part. That has to go in, too...

Insane Insomniac said...

was this pre or post bottle of wine?
makes me wish i had a cool flatmate.

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - I suspect I will hear these noises in the near future. :)

Insane - nah, just a normal day in the life of Ant & Peas really. :)
I walked in after a hard day at the office, Ant was grafting at home and there you have it. :)

Ramone Allones said...

till i reached the age of 18, i thought only german people had sex..... all that schneeler baby, schneller baby. Speaking of which has anyone seen "inside lydia's ass 4" ?


good post peas.

Peas on Toast said...

Ramone - why hello there my shweetie!
Come on, tell us about 'Inside Lydia's Ass 4.' I know Patrick Bateman enjoyed it immensely. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

How come Lydia has 4 asses? Sounds like there be some freaky stuff going on there!

Nessers said...

I have to say that I love the word cunt but being the good scottish lass that I am I don't believe any other nationality has the right to use it as they can't get the pronounciation just right and they just make it sound feeble. My partner and his friend however have a really disgusting word "gwarra" that they like to throw around

DaveRich said...

Poonani, poen, I get it now. Sheesh sure did take a while. I am back on board.

J said...

How bout the term balloon knot?
You don't get more raw than that.

Or another term for an ugly girl who happens to sport a Moose Knuckle rather than the innocent sounding camel toe.

Peaches said...

Oh my shattered foreskin.

Needed all those coffee's before reading this very necessary and insightful post Peas.
:)

Poen - not a bad word.
Pink Panty Hamster - hillarious.
Cookie - revolting.

My contribution to further terminological education has to be:
guarrah - pronounced Guh-waa-rah. Pure filth.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ...or four orifices of any kind?

Nessers - cooont? God that's great! I'm gonna call it a cooont from now on.

Daverich - no worries mate. :)

J - balloon knot? For real? Wahahaha!

Peaches - oh my shattered gwarra! :)

Peaches said...

Peas: Its enough to bring tears to your eyes!

J: A Swamp Donkey with a Moose Knuckle...Niiiiiiiiice

J said...

@Peas: for real! - in case you wondering who i might be - i'm an avid yet silent observer of your online lyricle obsession... Well that, and i'm a friend of Other-Duke's who happen to miss meeting you a few months back at the Jolly Roger.

@Peaches, you don't get more attractive than that.

Peas on Toast said...

J - well hello there and nice to meet you!

Revolving Credit said...

Shit, gwarra sounds more like sound effect!

'While extricating herself from that ever so popular 69 position, Peas in her haste, slipped from the couch and sprawled across the floor, knocking over the video camera, gwarra!'

jamjar said...

The worst has to be VAG... My vag hurts this morning....

Why do men name their penises? They wouldn't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions....

Peas on Toast said...

Jamjar - wahahahaha, brilliant! :)
PS: Vag is AWFUL.

ChewTheCud said...

({})

gravel pit always worth a laugh.

anyone mention box yet? beaver, fuckhole - the list goes on. Wunder down under, Cha-cha, Grumble, Box of assorted creams, Municipal cockwash....

Peaches said...

Jamjar: Vag is awful

J: Will remember that look next time I am getting ready for a big night out

Peas: Think you have opened Pandora's box of smut with this post :)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - ohmysatchel you made a poenalogo...!

Peaches - tell me about it. ;)

The Granny Wrangler said...

I've just screamed so loud Gramps came running through to see if i was alright!!! I absolutely cannot contain myself!

When we were little the boys had 'winks' and us girlies had 'splits'. About that throwing up in the mouth...

Peas on Toast said...

The Granny Wrangler - ha ha! :) Hope Gramps is ok, and yes I think I threw up a lit....