Saturday, March 24, 2007

cobra death

Being obsessed with poisonous creatures seems to have hit a new level of infatuation.

And even though I'm feeling sprightlier today than I've felt in a while, it's still worth mentioning that things with poisonous fangs intrigue me no end.

Having been in Cape Town two weeks ago, the deciduous flora coupled with the all-familiar snake-burrowing rocky shit, meant that amidst my immediate proximity – there were about at least five Cape Cobras nearby.

I could feel it. They were watching me.

I lurked far away in hope of spotting one from the safety of a balcony – but my mind wandered as to what a thing like the Cape Cobra could do to me if I was bitten.

This happens a lot. Like, two years ago – I contemplated for hours what it would feel like if a Boomslang thrust its fangs into my skin and envenomated me with its haemotoxic poison. It’s a particularly horrific death, where you bleed from all your bodily orifices including tear ducts.

My new What Would Happen To My Organ Functions If I Was Bitten By This Thing obsession is the cobra. Where I was staying was full of Cape Cobras, I heard. They practically own the garden.
Death by Cape Cobra is particularly nasty.

For one, if it bites you near the heart, you’re a-gonna within fifteen minutes.
That’s if you’re lucky.

They don’t spit, like most cobras. Their venom, injected into you by 100mgs per bite, is mostly neurotoxic, so you die of respiratory failure.
Your muscles paralyse, including your diaphragm, then you asphyxiate, then turn blue, then peg.

In addition, their venom is polyvalent, so besides gasping for your final breaths in oxygen-craving spasms, you’ll endure gangrene necrosis on your skin.
It doesn’t look very nice, and the area will hurt like a motherfucker.

In your coffin, your hand will be black, bubbling and falling off, which might upset the people that come to your funeral.

But get this: even if you do chance upon an anti-venom (which is your only hope), the bite will affect your breathing for as long as 25 days.
So you’ll probably need to walk around with an oxygen tank.

Basically, if you don’t die, you’ll wish you had.

It’s a cruel, long, hectic snake – that has also been known to crawl into baby cots at night for warmth.
No kidding.


kotters said...

The snake is also a symbol for the male reproductive organ...

Peas on Toast said...

Kotters - both are equally as dangerous. But as luck would have it, I've been invited to a Wiener Fest this weekend...hmmmm.

Betenoir said...

as- never ever ever move to Australia: they have the world's most venomous creatures there... lots of snakes and spiders too. Ha! a clumsy poke at Aussies! touche!

Anonymous said...

i swear, for the first 2 paragraphs i thought you were punning about scoring a WP cricket player

kyknoord said...

Hmmm... it seems we have a tiny Cleopatra fantasy going here, don't we?

kyknoord said...

Oh - and before Rev shows up, pretend I made some joke about one-eyed trouser snakes, okay?

DaveRich said...

Wow, you're a barrel of laughs today Peas. Death and destruction all round. If it makes you fell any better the Cape Cobras are playing the Gauteng Lions in the Pro 20 Final tonight at The Wanderers. Wait a minute, you probably know that and thats the reason for the post. You are good. Very Good. GO COBRAS

Peas on Toast said...

Betenoir - The taipan, the world's most denagerous snake lives in Oz. I will stay way clear...

Anon - coinkedink eh? ;)

Kyk - OK, if we let him think it was his idea first, I'm sure he'll be chuffed. :)

Daverich - It's funny - I DID know about the cricket, we tried to get tockets yesterday. But alas alack, the post really is about cobras - the slithering kind. ;)

Hot Pink Flush said...

Gee thanks Peas!

You have guaranteed my nightmares for like the next hundred years! I too have a horrid phobia of snakes. And strues fuck they are the only thing in the world I am scared of (hear me roar, i am fearless...well...almost!)

I accidentally speared a poor innocent li'l snake on the garden route while gardening once...did it make it better to think i'd won? me and my miniature picthfork? oh no! Made it worse!

Brrrrrr... yuck eeuuuw euuuw.. *grrils*

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - sorry babeface. I get it, don't worry - snakes are my serious hobia thing. But this is why I learn about them to such detail: know thy enemy.

I think I'd die if I had to wrestle with one in a garden with a pitchfork. I'd pass out from the fright.

Johnny Quarterback said...

no matter how many times I watch national geographic, whenever there is a shot of a snake striking with its mouth open and fangs blazing at the camera, I jump as if it's right there in the room...

I think we all suffer from ophidiophobia (fear of snakes)

Revolving Credit said...

Oh...this is going to be a fun comment..let me think..!

** he says rubbing his hands in anticipation**

Peas on Toast said...

Johnny - you've taught me a new word! Yay! I always thought it was herpiphobia. As in 'herpitoligist.'
But now that I look at it, herpiphobics are scared of...herpes. I guess... :)

Rev - Kyk and I have been waiting with baited breath all morning. THis had better be good! :)

Johnny Quarterback said...

herpetophobia is the fear of reptiles. personally lizards, iguanas and geckos don't scare me at all and I'd only be afraid of crocodiles if I had to cross a river full of them but snakes, man those things are evil...

Kevin Cadman said...

Peas... you are completely setting yourself up for a practical joke of epic proportions ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Johnny - now to find what the appropriate 'aphobia terminology is for an incessant fear of herpes...:)

Kev - oh my god. I totally didn't think of this. I swear to god, if I find a snake anywhere near me, anywhere in my flat, suburb, Johannesburg actually - there'll be hell to pay.
It won't be funny. And I will ensure the perpetrator gets it ten times worse.

So anyone out there with funny ideas, watch the fuck out.

Revolving Credit said...

**Sorry, work, a bit of Bloggus Interruptus**

Well now Peas, it does appear that you have had a premonition - The Cape Cobras are going to win the Pro 20 final.

Or you're hoping to find a snake at the game who will to do some burrowing for/to you??

"obsessed with poisonous creatures seems to have hit a new level of infatuation"

Sounds like you're so excited by the idea, that you're positively gagging for it.

"What Would Happen To My Organ Functions If I Was Bitten By This Thing obsession"

-Your heart rate will increase
-Your pupils will dilate
-Your breathing will become shallow
-Your skin will become flush with increased blood flow
-Muscles will go into involuntary contraction
-Spreading from the point of penetration, your skin will start to feel hot and begin to tingle

So, you're either about to die or to climax ** amazing how similar they are?**

However, will regards to "..known to crawl into baby cots at night for warmth."

Can we please leave the pediophiles out of this conversation, unless you're looking for someone who will cry out 'Who's your daddy' at the appropriate moment.

PS. Snake don't crawl, they have no legs, they slither!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ok talking about orgasms now is not helping me china. You might've noticed, but me and my wiener broke up on Sunday. So the only burrowing I'm doing right now is with my silicone-coated Bushwhacker 3 000, and even then he's been a let down because the batteries have run out and The Ant refuses to let me borrow the ones from the dsTV remote control.
Which is totally unfair.

But anyway. Perhaps I'm a little frustrated. Sure. My libido has bounced back rather quickly this time - the last time it took weeks. But still.

Oh yes, and you're right about the slithering part. Another reason snakes give me the heebie jeebies. Anything that slithers isn't cool.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, I'll be up in Jozi later. Do you want me to go out and see if I can catch you a Cape Cobra or would you rather I just bring you some batteries?

Shit, just had a thought 'Snakes on a plane!' Fug..imagine the guys at the xray machine at checkin..haha

PS. What good parties/events happening this weekend, if theres time?

Revolving Credit said...

Ask Champs if you can lend Chewy for the weekend. I gave him to her for her birthday, so it's only right that we ask first.

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - leave the snakes at home please boet. Batteries would be nice though. :)

Parties this weekend - where there's alcohol, I'll be. I've promised to be the 'afternoon entertainment' at a wiener fest party on saturday. Pressure.

BTW, I knew Chewy long before he was on the blog scene. :) Random meeting at birthday party...

Revolving Credit said...

You still need to ask Champs for permission.

Peas on Toast said...

What, for Chews? Wahahahahahaha- I'd think maybe I need to ask Chews himself?? :)

Anyway I'm off men. I just want a working dildo.

Jam said...

Like dear HPF, I too have a morbid phobia of snakes. I used to dream about them all the time when younger (yes, the Freudian significance of this does not escape me).
My worst experience was nearly jumping onto the head of a puffadder. Luckily I missed, and it missed it me when it lurched forward to sink it's little fangs into my leg...

Anonymous said...

Thank God for Wikipedia, right Peas? Without all the big words and scientific jargon, this post would have read "snakes can like to be scary, they can like to bite you".

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - that's awful! Puffadder heads are hideous! And they have massive fangs - huge.

Anon - luckily for me, 'verbosity' is my middle name. The bigger and more hectic the words, the better. :)

acidicice said...

Hi Peas...I just thought I had to drop by and tell you, I dreamt last night that you wrote a book and I was quite excited to read it (ok, yes, I'm a fan). Just a thought - planting a seed, so if you've never considered it, maybe you should!

Peas on Toast said...

Acidice - ah bless your little soul! :)
That's hilarious - hmmmmmm, a book - that seems like an awful lot of hard work. I'm Definitely. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev - I have the PERFECT place for you to go this weekend...there is a snake expo at the Rosebank Flea Market this Sunday. I just saw a poster about it. You won't even need to stuff one down your pants to get it to Peas!!

Yeah, Peas, right now Chews is my official present. Although it seems Rev forgot to tell him what this means, as I have yet to see him jump out of any cake naked!!

Peas on Toast said...

Did you say SNAKE EXPO?
Shut up get out of town. Are you serious?

I'm there. For the sheer morbid fascination of it.

acidicice said...

Perhaps someday and probably someday soon you could just print out all your blog entries and have them bound - quite clearly people are riveted - hence the nominations again this year and the victory last year at the SA Blog awards (not to mention the News 24 competition!)

Peas on Toast said...

Acidic - you've made my day babe. Amongst the shittiness of my personal life at present, you've made me wanna go out, shake my cahoonas on a dancefloor, wear my favourite heels and shake it like its 1999...
I love you. xx

acidicice said...

POT: (you do realize that Peas On Toast spells POT right?) Sometimes you just need someone to point out the good things. Thanks for all the great blogging - it is most entertaining. You're quite a blogebrity (O.M.G. - somebody stop me) you know and you still owe me a cocktail when you're in CT!

Hot Pink Flush said...

Snakes? in ROSEBANK? Are they MAD? Are they smoking something (no, wait, don't answer that!)
That's it, I'm emigrating to a place where they consider squirrels wildlife!

PS. Peas, I must intriduce you and the gang tto the very coolest handbag sized gadget I recently aquired...just one battery..

Anonymous said...

"Verbosity" is your middle name? I though it was "on". Silly me...

Inyoka said...


Dangerous buggers. Quick treatment is the answer, so keep an ambulance and a doc with good knowledge of snakes and snakebite treatment nearby.

Two fellow snake catchers were bitten on the hand by Egyptian Cobras at school. However, prompt action meant that they only lost fingers. We were banned from snake catching for a few weeks.

Another friend was bitten by a black mamba while hunting in Angola. As Mwa Rhamotswa would have put it, his is now late.

I was nailed by a Mozambique spitting cobra. Luckily I had someone to take me to the local hospital (36 miles away) and the attention of an eye specialist.

Interestingly enough, a lot of treatment these days concentrates on treating the symptoms and less on using antivalenes. In other words, use a ventilator to help keep the patient breathing in the case of a neurotoxic bite and cut back on the antivalines, which is pretty nasty stuff in its own right.

I have given up catching snakes. Besides, I have yet to see a snake in the UK (besides the local politicians, that is.)

Inyoka said...

Sorry - antivalene should read antivenine.

I'm getting my supplements mixed up with my cures!

HooX said...

Thank you very much! I now have a creepy feeling that I am being watched by something that is intent on killing me with a venomous forked tongue! I have no idea if Albania even has snakes but of course Im going to shit myself when I have to move out into the mountains and live among the villiage people! "In the Navy". Oh God its a long story.