Friday, March 23, 2007

fluctuations

The strangest thing has happened to me.
It’s taken me by complete surprise.

Generally – despite a couple of ‘woe is me’ episodes, I’m generally alright with this break-up thing.
Perhaps I’m a stronger, more adept person than even I realised.

Let’s consider the [complex] personality traits of Peas for a sec:
1) She feels stuff intensely: love, hate, sadness, happiness, it’s all extreme
2) She’s been hurt before, has hang-ups and baggage

And yet, yet:
Something weird has happened:
I, four days later, after a break-up with someone pretty significant, am coping.
I’m ok. And refuse to do the whole melodramatic, ‘so he doesn’t love me also’ shit that would ordinarily consume and torture me.

I cried two days ago, am generally upset and disappointed by the outcome, and despite a few sad moments, am alright.

The only reasonable explanation, amongst a few, are:
1) I’m insane. And haven’t quite fully allocated the propensity to be an unlovable fuck to the point of it being problematic.
2) I’m an unlovable fuck. I’ve accepted my fate and am really alright with this, because, well, whatever.
3) I have imbibed too many intoxicants this pubic holiday to realise the error of my ways.
4) I am pretty happy to be by myself again.
5) I’m not doing the usual embittered, venting, angry, backlash-bitching, because this break-up doesn’t warrant this.
6) He was my mate for years before we hooked up, maybe this makes a difference?.
7) I have given up and won’t be dating again for a while, out of choice, even if it’s Jake Gyllenhaal who admits his undying romantic love for me.
8) I'm insane.
9) I have too much career-wise on my plate to completely fall apart at the moment.
10) I’m insane. The person who, by off-chance sweeps me off my feet one day, will love all of Peas, regardless of her strange, creative, quirky, romantic, loud disposition. But if no one ever does ever again, I don’t particularly care.
11) I won’t settle for less.
12) I’ve grown up. No really. I’ve matured. [Perhaps not entirely plausible], but maybe just a little bit.

It really could be any of the above. I am unsure. I’m trying not to analyse this too much.

So be it.
I’ve been through worse situations.
I’m going to be ok.
Alone.
I have before.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think you were AS into him as you thought you were.

Nessers said...

Maybe you are getting over this breakup faster because you have seen it coming for a while now - who knows you may be able to be mates again in the future which would be good cos good friends are really hard to find

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - :( who knows?

Nessers - I'm sure once the dust has settled and once we have both healed and moved on, we can be mates again. Perhaps in a couple of months, who knows.

Rachel said...

Maybe you already started the 'getting over him' with the whole business about his trip overseas.

And I'm sure you'll find the man who will love you for all the unique things that make you you.

At least now you have the time to throw yourself with wild abandon into the new business venture and who knows who you will find along the way :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rachel - I hope you right babe. :) Yip, no time like the present to absorb myself in my work, eh? ;)

Hot Pink Flush said...

I'm going with a combination of all of the above - and I have one to add.
How about, in the time that's passed between orevious break-up and this one, you have discovered your value as a person and noone else, no matter how much you love them, can shake that sense of value you have in yourself? Ponder it. I know I have... and it's the reasoning I like best.
It's the one I found to be most true when the ex(now [re]current) dumped me.
XX

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - you may be right. Even he said I deserve more, and I agree. I feel pretty worthless and valueless right now, but perhaps once the bruising has healed I'll be ok. The good thing is that even though I feel useless, I am choosing not to really care. That's good right?

Billy said...

Good to hear you are in one piece. Although it doesnt mean more hard hitting posts of venting, its a compromise im willing to accept....for a while at least.

kyknoord said...

It’s a good approach not to over-analyse it. After all, “analysis” consists of three parts: anal, y (why?) and sis. Not a happy combo, in my opinion.

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas, good to hear you're doing so well. I on the other hand have hit a hard patch and am really struggling but I'm moving forward and doing my best to wade through this even if it is at a pace of one hour at a time.
One distraction when I want to escape the rawness of it all is by throwing myself into work - at least I'm being productive!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - yeah, I'm sure they'll be more from where this came from - but for now, I want this to be a smooth one. :)

Kyk - yip. Analysis is for losers. :)

Boldly - I'm sorry to hear about your rough one dollface - so mnay hugs! Look, I think getting over these things works in patches. Some days you feel absolutely fine, other days you feel like you're back at square one. My time of woe is still coming I think. That's the shit thing with break ups - until time has run its course, one can't do much except just try and not to feel kak. At least some of the time. Lots of hugs xxxx

Champagne Heathen said...

*hug*

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Champers - and hugs back to you my dear. I hope the aftermath of your birthday hasn't been too taxing. xx

Gran said...

At least you don't have to cycle anymore! The Argus - what were you thinking!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Gran - it's funny because he got me into cycling and I really do enjoy it. So I'm taking one good thing from it and am going to carry on cycling anyway. Even though the Argus was hard - no excruciating - I would definitely do it again. Crazy eh? ;)

Coral said...

I got divorced after 6 years of marriage, and couldn't look at another man for 4 years. My daugher broke up recently with a man after 8 years, and a month later is happier in a relationship than I can beleive. Differnet folks, different strokes.

jon said...

Good morning Peas

Glad you coping with your ordeal. As long as you're not just sweeping your feelings under the carpet and pretending they don't exist.

Life sucks huge hairy balls sometimes but unless we jump in feet first we never get to experience those moments of true happiness.

Well enough of that, I look forward to reading about more of your crazy antics in the weeks to come.

Coral said...

oh, and I can't spell!

Peas on Toast said...

Coral - Oh I agree. Also was in a 6 yearer, and got back into the dating scene almost immediately. But really shouldn't have. Everyone's case is different I guess.

Jon - I may just be sweeping all of this under carpet - your guess is as good as mine. I'm hoping not. But I also don't want to feel so shite I can hardly move, if you know what I mean.
Next antics - cricket baby and then a large one thereafter tomorrow.

PS: But no lunging/face sucking - I stay farrrrrrr away from men in that regard! :)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
"unlovable phuck"!!??
I would not go that far. I have always thought you to be a very warm, likable person. You, like most of us out here on Earth were simply not compatible with some people in your past. Each time you go through this experience, you will grow stronger. Sadly however, you will also grow colder. Keep your warmth - it is one of your best assets.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah D Guy! You've made Ertjie smile today, thanks sweetheart!
I do realise that I'm perhaps likeable, but completely lovable - and the person people have been looking for their whole lives? Perhaps not. But its ok. Perhaps I'm now colder, you're right! :)

Daedalus said...

Warm back ^up you ;)

Peaches said...

Dont spend too much energy analysising it. You now that you're going to be fine!!

My two cents, for what its worth, maybe you are feelig semi-ok, not because you werent that into him or accept that your 'unlovable' (nonsense sentiment that all us girls feel) but because you realise that you were with him cos you wanted to be, not cos you needed him to fill some invisible gap in your life. Make any sense??

Revolving Credit said...

The fact that you were mates for years and he's seen you go through previous trials and tribulations does bring an interesting slant to this.

Having read both his and your comments regarding the breakup I can only surmise that you do love him and he does love you. The difference may be that while you both love each other, you're not in love.

Looking back on your previous breakups, I think he was there for you, made you realise that you were lovable when you doubted yourself, treated you like a princess when you felt like a frog,
and you appreciated all of this, BUT you probably both knew it wasn't the long term option.

He probably was Mr Right Now, not Mr Right but he has helped you come to terms with previous feelings of inadequecy and has helped you discover more about yourself. Kudos for that.

While it hurts now, you have not re-entered the depressive state.

Yes, you have matured and will take something positive from this relationship. I suspect that you will remain friends, maybe not quite as close as you were before but will still care for and about each other.

(Plus, in this period, you got into cycling, drank a wee bit less than before, made a major career decision and had a regular shag on call. BONUS!!)

You're at a major cross roads, venture forth boldy.

(PS. In case you are concerned, don't worry, I will revert to arb commentry , pun and sexual innuendo after posting this comment.)

jon said...

I'm guessing that the relationship wasn't all bad? Try to focus on the cool things you did together, the laughs, lessons learnt etc...

I find I feel decidedly less shitty when taking this approach as I too (as I am sure have many of your other readers) have been involved many train wreck like relationships.

I just tell myself it's experience for when I meet 'the one' ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Peaches - it definitely makes sense. When we got together I was having an awesome time being single and happy, so it wasn't a void he was filling, no. ;)

Rev - some fine words of wisdom there. Hell, this must be the third break-up you're witnessing on this blog - so you've really seen it all, eh?
We do care for each other, certainly. I think I just had expectations of this one, BECAUSE of our history. And I think he might've had expectations too. But sometimes things aren't as grand as they're exepcted to be, eh? ;)

Jon - you know what helps right now? Not imaging the good times, but rather focusing on the what was wrong so that I know in my mind we did the right thing.
The good stuff was great, the shitty stuff was shit - so I'm thinking if I focus on that, in the big picture, the break-up makes sense.

Insano said...

Its probably delayed shock, or, because it was a mutual decision and there wasn't any nasty business involved, you're coping.

BTW - Insane is not an adjective to use lightly...

Peas on Toast said...

Insano - it could be both, definitely.
But one thing I am sure of: I'm insane. :)

Revolving Credit said...

OK, here goes:

"But sometimes things aren't as grand as they're exepcted to be, eh?"

Umm...was the sex not that great?
Did the cycling numb his willy??

Jam said...

You're insane. But we love you for it anyway. That's why we'll always be your friends.
Perhaps you realise that there truly are more fish in the sea, that being with someone when you're not getting what you need and not being who you should be is not worth a moment more in a relationship. That can be an empowering experience.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Lol. No,the willy was the least of my problems :)

Jam - It's very empowering hey? I just figure because I am fairly unique, it's pretty hard to change so that people love me. So what you see is what you get, and if no one digs it, there's not much I can do about it. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, have you read what he wrote?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I have. It was sweet, and respect to him. I have heard this all before though. Nevertheless, he's got my best interests at heart.

Revolving Credit said...

OK, so enough of the sadness, where's everyone partying this weekend?

Who's going to ensure that Champs continues this marathon birthday hangover session??

Champagne Heathen said...

No one!! I am officially becoming older and maturer as of...uh...damn,I have a wine tasting thing tonight....as of tomorrow!!!!!!

Tertia said...

Ag Peas, I am so sorry. Heart ache sucks, no matter how you deal with it, or not.

Sorry it didn't work out. Good for you for being so grown up about it.

Still sucks though.

Sending you a big smooch

Txxxxx