The strangest thing has happened to me.
It’s taken me by complete surprise.
Generally – despite a couple of ‘woe is me’ episodes, I’m generally alright with this break-up thing.
Perhaps I’m a stronger, more adept person than even I realised.
Let’s consider the [complex] personality traits of Peas for a sec:
1) She feels stuff intensely: love, hate, sadness, happiness, it’s all extreme
2) She’s been hurt before, has hang-ups and baggage
And yet, yet:
Something weird has happened:
I, four days later, after a break-up with someone pretty significant, am coping.
I’m ok. And refuse to do the whole melodramatic, ‘so he doesn’t love me also’ shit that would ordinarily consume and torture me.
I cried two days ago, am generally upset and disappointed by the outcome, and despite a few sad moments, am alright.
The only reasonable explanation, amongst a few, are:
1) I’m insane. And haven’t quite fully allocated the propensity to be an unlovable fuck to the point of it being problematic.
2) I’m an unlovable fuck. I’ve accepted my fate and am really alright with this, because, well, whatever.
3) I have imbibed too many intoxicants this pubic holiday to realise the error of my ways.
4) I am pretty happy to be by myself again.
5) I’m not doing the usual embittered, venting, angry, backlash-bitching, because this break-up doesn’t warrant this.
6) He was my mate for years before we hooked up, maybe this makes a difference?.
7) I have given up and won’t be dating again for a while, out of choice, even if it’s Jake Gyllenhaal who admits his undying romantic love for me.
8) I'm insane.
9) I have too much career-wise on my plate to completely fall apart at the moment.
10) I’m insane. The person who, by off-chance sweeps me off my feet one day, will love all of Peas, regardless of her strange, creative, quirky, romantic, loud disposition. But if no one ever does ever again, I don’t particularly care.
11) I won’t settle for less.
12) I’ve grown up. No really. I’ve matured. [Perhaps not entirely plausible], but maybe just a little bit.
It really could be any of the above. I am unsure. I’m trying not to analyse this too much.
So be it.
I’ve been through worse situations.
I’m going to be ok.
I have before.