Saturday, March 03, 2007

editoress high

She’s on drugs. She has to be.

She waltzed in after yesterday’s performance with a smile plastered on her face and a ‘Helllllooooo Peas, how are we today?”
Slightly confused and caught off guard by her sterling ‘this is me on ecstasy’ stature, “I’m fine…thanks?”

I have a hangover this morning, only exacerbating the irritation. It's as though a Frenchman is swinging a mallet around inside my cerebrum. It's really uncomfortable.

The turnaround in her behaviour and obvious contempt towards me yesterday deserves an Oscar. Now that she’s conceptualised that me, her little deputy editor scab, is leaving, she’s in heaven. She’s tripping on happiness and laying it on so thick, I want to vomit – right here on my keyboard. And maybe I just will.

Perhaps after swallowing a large handful of hecstasy and the concept of me – someone who doesn’t copy and paste my articles from the Web and press releases – going, she’s literally bouncing off the company water cooler.

Bitch.

39 comments:

Baze said...

Peas....slap her around a little bit....???

Peas on Toast said...

Baze - if she continues to do this 'today I'm angry/tomorrow I'm ecstatic' thing, you betcha. I'd kick her ass. :)

Dick said...

My three glasses of wine have given me gout in the right knee. No hangover though. So I left 9.15 yu were definitely sober. I'm guessing you and the Ant finished the Cab and perhaps an extra bottle. No?
This time next week we'll be on the beach in CT :)

Dick said...

Body slam her. Peas! Base can help she's a pro!

ChewTheCud said...

how much did YOU have last night?

lol - scab ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Dick - Gout? Unlucky! We didn't get an extra bottle, but I had another two drinks. These days, what with all my training ;), I'm a lightweight and am inclined get pissed quicker and feel it more the next day.
So I'm drinking water like a bitch this morning....

Beach in CT, God why can't we be there today!

Baze, tell me about your body slamming techniques dollface!

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - not that much - maybe four drinks? But I feel it these days.

ChewTheCud said...

you're getting old. or you don't have good post-binge discipline. i get home and drink water before and after i sleep. although that didn't seem to help with the dreams, i'm hangover free ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Old? Me? Never! :) We stumbled in and went straight to bed. Therein must lie the problem...

Betenoir said...

hmmmmmmm. She sounds like a)a total psycho hose bitch and b)she needs a sharp kick in the panty hamster. "accidentally" spill hot coffee on her. Or chocolate sauce (that stuff is a bitch to get out.

Best hangover cure: sparkling water and a big, meaty hamburger. 2 codeine, sneak home, nap.

to reiterate: what are they gonna do, fire you?

Peas on Toast said...

Betenoir - ha ha, touche. :) I haven't popped any disprins yet...two coming right up! As for the pyscho lady, I just can't keep up. I stand strong - what's she to do - fire me? ;)

Dick said...

Base body slammed my once. I still get a nervous twinge in my neck when i bench press. Perhaps we can organize some contract editor bodyslamming.

kyknoord said...

You're so lucky. I wish my boss was bipolar. I could have such fun with that.

Peas on Toast said...

Dick - Best she teaches me how to do this. It'll definitely come in handy. ;)

Kyk - One thing is for certain. She's off the lithium.

George T Stagg said...

Double bourbon with a twist of lemon, platter of bacon and hashbrowns, red bull followed by 7 Panados should cure the hangover.

Peas on Toast said...

George T Stagg - you don't fuck around do you buddy? I like your style.

Daytripper said...

Sounds like your boss got the same advice you got here yesterday: be nice!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - she beat me at my own game! And not only that, it's overkill! How annoyed am I? ;)

Baze said...

The body slam was a technique I mastered at a younger fatter time of my life... it originated with one of the ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends...

The technique involves manouvering the deadest body weight you can find within yourself, and airlifting your body onto the lucky chosen person. Ones body must cover most of the area of the chosen one's body to give the full effects of the body slam! It's for sure my favorite technique of elimiating the not-so-well-liked people of this world.

DaveRich said...

So it sounds like you had a good one last night. Sorry I couldn't make it. Had to work, tried the dirty look campaign with the boss but I think she is in the same boat as yours, got tonight off though. Small graces in my line of work I guess...

DaveRich said...

So it sounds like you had a good one last night. Sorry I couldn't make it. Had to work, tried the dirty look campaign with the boss but I think she is in the same boat as yours, got tonight off though. Small graces in my line of work I guess...

Baze said...

Oh and Dick.... just to make you a toiny bit jealous.... I'm going wake boarding this weekend :) I still remember that time # Bryony's when you got me up first time... you should see my moves now! Hoaned the skills baby!

Peas on Toast said...

Baze - excellent! I'll body slam him tonight, lucky bugger. :)
PS: My bum holds the deadest weight. This is normal right? ;)

DaveRich - Shame dollface, if she's like my editor, then I completely understand. BUt there's always a next time! :)

Baze said...

Hmmm... the bottom body slam. My advise is, since the body slam business can be dangerous sometimes... try it out on Smokin' Legs later, he's felt the wrath of mine - he can give you the tips to improve on it.

Peas on Toast said...

Baze - consider it done babe, I'll be happy to body slam him later. ;)

Betenoir said...

hmmm.

maybe it's time to step it up: intimate to her that the real reason youre leaving is you can't handle your love for her anymore, and now "we can be together...forever..in life and in death" follow her around, and cut a lock of her hair, "for a keepsake". when soppy love songs come on the radio, stare meaningfully at her. be deadpan.

even if she suspects you're fuckin with her mind, she won't know for sure!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Betenoir - ...and leave mushy poetry on her desk...
wahahaha!

The idea turns my stomach...;)

Betenoir said...

Yeah, i thought it might. Otherwise you can do random insane stuff to freak her out, like SAYING THINGS REALLY REALLY LOUDLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON and referring to your knife collection. Leave notes on her desk that say "I'll take care of everything. It will be untraceable".


man, Sometimes I worry about myself, and my penchant for imaginative evil. I think I may have missed my calling.

Insane Insomniac said...

Rescue Remedy. She's on freakin Rescue Remedy.
Light weight, legally available from all major stores version of ecstacy.
Am I the only person not hungover today?

Revolving Credit said...

Bodyslamming?

Is that like a combination of Tequila Slammers & Bodyshots??

OK, so who wnats to go Bodyslamming??

RE: Editoress - she either got some last night and is happy or she reads your blog and is plotting something.

ChewTheCud said...

I was gonna mail you guys this but I thought I'll save some time and give you the link. Well it got me laughing ;P

Revolving Credit said...

Chews, are you the 9-incher or the 8-incher in this chat??

ChewTheCud said...

ah. legend! well obviously you can see this is not me chatting rev. those guys are way too small to be any of us ;P

ChewTheCud said...

rev - just go here and start reading. This is too good. It's totally making my friday.

Insano said...

Chew- Thanks for the Link...OMG but thats funny.

other-duke said...

what a psycho biyaaaach!

Kevin Cadman said...

Hi Grunter, uuuuh, I mean Peas!

Heh. Last night was cool eh? Will definitely meet up again when I'm up there next...

Just keep it down please, the neighbours can hear you! :P

And your german pop music totally rocks the party. Hahah

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - no I'm pretty positive it's stronger poison than that...

Betenoir - evil, wonderful woman!

Rev - ...well she can't fire me, eh? ;)

Chew - hilarious! Thanks for the link.

Kev - thanks matey, last night was v. cool! And yes, the german pop rocks the party. I serenaded Ant in the communal garage last night.
PS: I AM NOT A GRUNTER! :)

The Granny Wrangler said...

"wears zoom, not worth it... wears zoom, not worth it... wears zoom, not worth it..." goes well with rocking in a corner.