Tuesday, March 27, 2007

horizonal change

So my last days are imminent at Hell Inc.
It’s funny, I’m going to miss Darryl, who married, still wants to be my boyfriend, and Marjorie who shares her whole life with me, and the others – I will. Even my editor is making an effort. It’s hard to leave a small company.

I have my goodbye lunch today. I’ve cleared out my inbox of something like 14 000 emails (fuccccck it took forever), and I am ready to embark on my new venture. Almost.
I’m knotted in anxiety and a little stressed about the unknown, but what the hell. I’m ready to become corporate bitch extraordinaire.

Always The Wit, whom I don’t know personally, has been reading my blog practically since its early inception. So, he's seen all my relationships [and their aftermath thereof] turn into a one way ticket to Aloneville. It’s amazing how he looks at them. I see them as a string of failures. He’s observed them differently, which really touched me:

A brief history of Peas

Peas broke up with her beau today.

March 2007

the end

We broke up.

It was mutual.

And amicable.

I feel like Captain Shiteski right now.

This breakup has, like the preceding ones been reasonably public (and on this one, one can even read the other side of the story.)

There was even a bit of warning last month.

February 2007

We had a relationship review at the beginning of this year and it made me realise that if we don’t work, I’ll be okay, I’ll get over him.

Things have changed a bit though.

Peas has been blogging for some time now and I have been a regular visitor. A vicarious way of living I guess. I really do dearly love this amazing person. She wears her heart on her sleeve and has a unique style. Full of halarious misspellings but behind it all immensely sharp and very funny. The classic say as you think it sort of girl. And no less than 4 SA Blog Awardes nominations this year to boot.

Anyway …..Peas used to blog on a site simply called Peas on Toast. (although if you visit that site now – its been hijacked by some online dating website!)

She moved to the Mushy site in March 2006 when things went seriously mushy. It took a few days to track her down.

March 06

the worst day of my life

That's today. If there are three people that should never ever come across my blog, they are in order of importance:

My ex S

My ex R

Small Bum

But ESPECIALLY not my ex S.

This has got to be the biggest fuck up ever. He found it without me even having saying anything. I went out with him for 6 years. This blog would've hurt him like nothing on Earth. I'm actually sort of floating on this dark cloud of Hell, not sure whether to throw myself in front of a bus, or just drink myself to death on the bottle of whiskey I have sitting at home.

Henceforth, please spread the word. My new address is: http://mushypeasontoast.blogspot.com

Too little too late.

From then on Peas was a bit wary and stopped linking to her Archives on her site. But google rarely forgets. So one can still get there with a bit of sleuthing.

It does seem that the bits that would have/did hurt ExS have gone though. So the details of those departures have been erased.

But the end of Small Bum is still around…

May 2006

tears in the traffic

"50% of me wants to stay with you, the other 50% thinks its better I leave now."

He left.

Small Bum broke up with me.

I am devastated.

Anyway – why do I go to this effort to haul out the history? Is it some vindictive reminder to Peas of all the crap times she has had to deal with over the last year?

On the contrary.

With the passage of each of these men in her life, we have, through Peas writing, been witness to a life (that between breakups) she has seriously enjoyed and lived fully. Each of these men have been special to her and have been a large part of her being able to enjoy and live her life fully. Each time she has bounced back, stronger, more mature and happier. I want to remind Peas of that.

Before you can say cotton doondies - she will do so again.

It’s strange seeing your life, or in my case my hook ups and fuck ups, through the eyes of someone else. And he’s made me realise that even though I’ve experienced heartache, it's how things are done around here. All or nothing.
E2 told me last night that I have balls. Maybe that's what its about.

PS: Andrew the DJ is the best fucking DJ I've heard in my life.


JAm said...

I think it seriously takes courage to live life the way you do - to throw yourself into relationships with all your heart, to love fully, to emerge stronger as you do every time. ATW is so spot in what he has written. It's people who never try who never get anywhere. It's people who hide, opt for the safe zone that don't actually live life to the fullest. To be real, to be alive means immersing yourself fully in all of life, good times and bad.

acidicice said...

A friend of mine started blogging before I did and I could never really see what the fuss was about. I've always tried to keep a diary and failed miserably. I must admit, Peas, that I've often been jealous of your blog...of it's popularity and of your fan base...but I've come to the realization that even though my little blog will never come close to yours, yours deserves all the attention it gets, including mine.

I wish you the best of luck for your future endeavors...and hope that you will be blogging for us for years to come.

Daytripper said...

Respek Peas, respek!
You keep right on tracking, even though you actually need no encouragement, cos thats just who you are~!
And good luck for semi-self employed-dom

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - wow, I can't believe you think this too - it's pretty cool! :)
I honestly have never thought of it like this. I've always thought, after one trainwreck to the next - "This time I won't be so stupid. I will make sure I do not get completely swept away." (OK it never works, but still.)

Maybe I don't learn from my mistakes? Either way, for me it's impossible not to love with all my heart and just go for things - personal and career-wise. Myabe I'm just seriously self-indulgent. Sigh.

Jam said...

I think it took a long time for me to learn this lesson. I always used to beat myself up every time I "fell". But I wasn't falling, I was learning. Being able to reflect on what went wrong with honesty is what makes us grow. And if we didn't make "mistakes", we would never grow...so we have to keep on living and learning!

What is the point of being in a relationship or job if you don't embrace it for all it's worth?!

Peas on Toast said...

Acidicice - wow, babe, that's really sweet. It's strange, because I've also always been a diary writer. Since I could hold a pen and write, that's what I did. Thing is, look at it this way: you're planning your wedding right? Which is an amazingly happy thing, that most women want eventually. My blog started when I was in a long-term relationship that turned empty after a while. So I insist your personal life is a helluva lot more stable and happy than mine - and in that, I'm slightly jealous of you me dear. ;) xx

Daytripper - thanks dollface. :)

acidicice said...

I think that you've grown and become stronger and wiser. There is a vast difference between you now and you a year ago as you pointed out in one of your entries. Your strength is something for other women to aspire to!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - so wise, my friend!
After SB, I was like "never again will I let myself just let go again." Perhaps I have some walls now, but I still feel I let go enough with Dick.
I suppose it just isn't worth doing if you don't put everything into it, eh? ;)

acidicice said...

*BLUSH* PEAS! Stop it! Firstly...you know I'm planning my wedding - so you must have made a turn at my blog at some point *is embarrassed* but yeah...if you look at the older entries in my blog you'll see that we've been to hell and back to get to this point. I'm just glad that there's someone as open and honest as you to show me that I'm not alone on the thorny road...

Peas on Toast said...

Acidicice - it's crazy eh? I think I learnt an important thing from last time too: consequence.
I've never been good with it. :)
Thanks for your kind comments. Right now, I really really appreciate them!

Revolving Credit said...

ATW 'touched' you...nice!

acidicice said...

Consequence - that's a big one. Don't think for one second I'm not slightly apprehensive about getting married...anyone who isn't is C.R.A.Z.Y - it's HUGE and I realize that and could have dire consequences, or wonderful once. It's a risk, no matter how you look at it. I don't understand how people can say they're "ready" to get married...or how you're supposed to know when you're ready for sex when you're a teenager with raging hormones - you just kind of have to dive in and hope for the best, which is kind of how I see you living your life. Like I said, something to aspire to.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ha ha, you funny man. :)

Acidic - I'm sure it must be super scary. And the plans that go with marriage and the wedding in general must be daunting at times. But there is someone who is willing to make that commitment to you and you to him. It's amazing, and really warms my hopeless romantic little heart. Best of luck with it dear, and holding thumbs for you. xx

acidicice said...

Uh...don't go there...there are a ZILLION things that are stressing me out at this very second...they haven't started my dress, I haven't booked my hair and make up, I don't have shoes...the table gifts aren't sorted...the list goes on and on...but I'm sure it will pan out eventually (I think). Thank you for the well wishes *hugz*

ChewTheCud said...

HeeHee! Shameless mate pimpage there ;P

Well done Peas. On everything ;)

Mel said...

When I went through heartache and breakups I could never understand why, I thought that maybe I just had the worst luck ever. Then I started dating my fiance, and everything just fell into place - all the previous relationships were necessary just as they were to prepare me for the perfect person for me. I saw that they taught me so much about myself - about how I deserve to be treated, how I don't deserve to be treated, what I actually want out of a relationship, what works and what doesn't. And also, everytime you look back, you'll see just how perfect your perfect person really is! Hang in there...

Hot Pink Flush said...

Onward and upward Peas.

Peas on Toast said...

Acidic - good luck doll, I'm sure it will fall into place. We all know the dress is the most important! :)

Chews - shot china. :)

Mel - it's amazing, because my mates who are in happy, awesome relationships have said the same thing. All the hang-ups and baggage just fall away when the right person is there. And everything seems to just work. It's good to know, especially now. :)

Hot Pink - Was doing that, but am scared I might hit the ceiling. (wahahahaha I crack myself up! Not :)

Revolving Credit said...

The post should be titled 'Horizontal Change' - that's because it's about all the times you changed who you got horizontal with.

kyknoord said...

It's the End of Days. Watch out for beefy guys with german accents saying stuff like, "Kahm weeith mee eef yoo wahntoo leerv".

Antoine said...

You have the right attitude to succeed in life young Peas.

If you are gonna do something, put everything in it!

And you do that alright :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - true, true. :)

Kyk- are you ok my dear? What funny German cuisine have you been consuming, freund? ;)

Antoine- thanks babe. Now to convince the world of this. :)

Anonymous said...

Dude - have some self respect. If you're going to practice this kind of auto-cunnilingus at least get one of your friends to post the link and pretend you're surprised. There are blogs on the web who get ten times at many hits as you and don't post links to other people saying how good they are.

Do me a favour.

ATW said...

Hey Peas, glad I hit the spot. I meant it.

No Rev.. not that spot!