Wednesday, April 11, 2007

an artist's tag

So Klo popped in for a cuppa over the weekend:

Klo: Yip, it appears even some of the most picturesque relationships have problems.

Peas: Yeah. You know those annoying couples that claim 'they never fight,' and are all over each other every five and a half seconds.

Klo: I know this couple who always seem so...oh my God! Someone has been wiping snot on your walls!

Peas: Beg pardon?

Klo: Look here, right behind the couch! And there's a long nosehair here too. Which could only be from a man.

Peas: Sweet mother's boobs.

Klo: The least they could've done was try and hide it, like further down the wall.

Peas: What bastardo wipes their snot on my wall??? For all I know, it could've been here when I first moved in!

Klo: And look...the person was seriously unhealthy...it's dark. The perpetrator has a mucus problem.

Peas: I have a mucus problem at the moment. You're not suggesting I put snot on my own wall, right?

Klo: No this is a man. This is the work of a mucus-filled man.

[pause]

Peas: Should I Handy Andy it off, or ask Pretty our maid to do a once over on the walls?

Klo: Put Handy Andy on it now to make sure it loosens. Look, they're glazed. Two little glazed snot blobs.

Peas: Do you think it was one of my previous male companions? You know, and I went to get tea and they stretched backwards and smeared it on the wall?

Klo: I think that's exac....oh wait, look! A fingerprint!

Peas: Do you know any forensics Klo, that would be happy to ID the Snot Man for me?
Klo: No, not as such. But the evidence is here if you ever wish to go ahead with an investigation.

[pause]

Peas: I'd feel a helluva more comfortable knowing that was my snot. Instead, here we are sitting mere centimetres away from somebody else's bodily protrusions. With a fucking nose hair...Anyway, you were saying about relationships that look picture perfect from the outside that aren't really?

Klo: I know three couples that paint the picket fence, but deep down are seriously unhappy, so I've learnt not to compare my relationsh...

Peas: Sorry, I'm distracted by the snot. Keep talking. I'm just getting the Handy Andy.

36 comments:

Billy said...

Boogers! Lovely. How about we have a vote on who we think it belongs to?

I have my suspicions....


P.S Its easier to open a facking bank account than comment on your site lately. You taking tips from Home Affairs on how to make people's lives easier?

Peas on Toast said...

Hello Billy!
I know, sorry babe. I'm all for security. Maybe I'll take it off, hacker or no hacker :)

PS: It wasn't me!!

Kevin Cadman said...

Hah! I bet it was you!

And now, to cover up your moment of disgustingness, you have to write an entire post and blame someone else! ;)

Another place to check is the under-side of computer -chairs. Oh my god, sometimes that can be disgusting!

ChewTheCud said...

Maybe you need more things around for people to discard waste. Buy a couple of spittoons, more trash cans, ashtrays, tissue boxes and leave em lying around your place for all the messy friends. So it HAS to be a guy just because of the hair? Tut, tut peas - girls can be gross too ;P

godsgimp said...

If you were down here I would reccomend CSI Bellville, they found my neighbours cat no problem. But up there, dunno, maybe CSI Morningside.

Betenoir said...

Wait. Why would they wipe snot on the wall when they could wipe it on, oh, say toilet paper? I mean...how far away is your toilet? couldn't they wait? That's just freaky.

Revolving Credit said...

Previous male companion?
So, you once dated a snail??

Peas on Toast said...

Kev - I digress, it was not me. I personally would've chosen a much less visible spot.

Chew - , like, a snot jar?? That would just encourage to pick their noses in front of me...;)

Godsgimp - Or keep a close eye on everyone who visits!

Betenoir - the toilet is about twelve short metres from the lounge. They definitely could've waited.

Rev - I'm starting to think so...

ChewTheCud said...

hehe - whta would you prefer then? to have them clean their nostrils behind your back and then hide it behind the couch? Or to do it in front of you and dispose of it in the trash?

Maybe you should put up a sign...

Revolving Credit said...

I'm assuming that it is snot, not cum stains from wild roll in the lounge when things possible got a bit..umm...out of hand!

Gran said...

You obviously have nothing better to do - yuch! ..... so here is the good news - you will find 'Home and Away' on channel 10. I don't know what time but it is definitely there.
Gran

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - I'd prefer it if they did it outside, really ;)

Rev - Oh it's snot alright.

Gran - I got the memo thanks.

kabintsimbi said...

sis...that's grosse...could only be a man? Could it be the ant's beau? Next time he blows his nose, grab the TP & check it out...hold your breath though, we don't want no spewing or anything!

A little bit of Nancy Drew never harmed anyone...although she was a bit of a naff!

Why didn't 'they' put it on the couch...it so would have gotten lost there & not seen...but a wall?!? TP would be better...next time, have a box of tissues or something near the couch!

kabintsimbi said...

by the way...what happened to your rat? Chaz is it? Can't remember, it's been so long since we heard anything...

kabintsimbi said...

Chad...that's it! The Chad...

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - I questioned the Ant's Gilb accordingly, but he's off the suspect list. :)

Chad is great thanks babe. My widdle boychie! He's grown into this massive cretin, so mates don't dig him so much. But he's my sounding board right now, and is as chipper as ever. :)

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas, sounds MAD! Your weekend sounds good but you're going to have to share your new haunt with us sometime... I can't do Manhat and I tried Mellville on Thursday and didn't quite feel it although the 80s pop was welcomed!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - in good time I will definitely share - you'll love it babe, I just know you will. xxx

Anonymous said...

"Peas on Toast said...
Kev - I digress, it was not me. I personally would've chosen a much less visible spot. "

"Digress?" I think the word you're looking for there is reiterate, ma'am. Thought you were a journalist ;)

Sunchaser said...

Always with the negative vibes Anonymous. Always with the negative vibes. There's no need for this kind of attitude. Picking on our Peas is bad karma. It's also just plain mean.

Are you gonna correct everyone's grammar now? Why don't you go write some wikipedia entries seeing as how you seem to know so much?

You are so weak right now dude. Totally lame!

Peas on Toast said...

Sunchaser - I wonder what wikipedia has to say under 'anonymous.' :)

Antoine said...

S'not Good that

Peas on Toast said...

No it'snot :)

Jam said...

Well what happened to the maid? Did you get her to clean the walls? Time then. Relationships from the outside always look different. Therefore, I no longer cast any judgement. But just sometimes, it is possible for people to get along!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - hell yeah :)
It is possible that two people can get along - but NEVER fight? Maybe I'm just jealous :)
Hope Spain is rocking babe.

Anonymous said...

well now, that is pretty, why don't you call up all those useless fuckers and do a snot comparison at a round table with a magnifying glass? Glad you're having fun in Joburg - sounds like your entertainment is way more exciting than my boring life of Spanish beaches and Bob Dylan on Sunday night. Maybe I'll sacrifice it all for a spot of booger inspection in a flat in Rosebank.... Tart.... xx

Dr Marcus said...

Ah, no, Sunchaser. Anon was right - he/she was not correcting grammar (that's sentence structure). It was the wrong word. Besides, he/she made the winking emoticon ;) which means anon wasn't being mean.

That's why we have editors, I guess.

Peas on Toast said...

Tart/The Dove - hello my little honeycake!

I thought you back in Inkland for a while, but I suppose the pull of the beaches and those greasy Spaniards means you're back, you lucky bitch!
Miss ya xxx

Sunchaser said...

Dr Marcus - You're doing the same thing. We can all see whats really happening here.

Anon - you suck ;)

Dr Marcus said...

Sunchaser - "what's" has an apostrophe in it.

Just saying.

Anonymous said...

He's right, you know.

Sunchaser said...

Thats amazing. Comments 1 minute apart. I wonder who anonymous is?

Dr Marcus said...

Your definition: "In Internet terminology, a troll is someone who intentionally posts derogatory or otherwise inflammatory messages about sensitive topics in an established online community such as an online discussion forum to bait users into responding".

Using the wrong word is a "sensitive issue"? Pardon me, I had no idea.

Peas on Toast said...

Sunchaser - I get a wide grin on my face when I imagine geeks getting all excited about posing as an anonymous.
They probably start sweating in unbecoming areas.

Ha ha ha! :)

Sunchaser said...

You seem to delight in picking on Peas and anyone who defends her any way you can. Thats troll behavior. Read the bit under Intent buddy.

I'm not going to feed the sad little troll anymore.

Naturegirl said...

Peas, you're such a hoot, you really keep me giggling