(...when you go to a new club over the weekend)
A is for Ass – make sure yours is wrapped in the tightest pair of jean pant possible.
B is for Bitch – you don't need to be one, when you go to a club where everyone is a stranger.
C is for Charfing and Condoms– Make your way through the establishment by charfing every delectable looking boychie in your site. Big T actually bought me condoms that night from his personal collection because he thought I was going out to get laid. He was wrong.
D is for Dish – One is round and attached to the side of your house, the other is not round and was brushing against my bottom.
E is for Evening – and what a fabulous one it was.
F is for Face – Put yer face on with a trowel.
G is for Good Looking – which, ahem, was me on Friday. And the talent didn't consist of Manhattan's bottom feeders either. I walked up to anyone and anything that looked tasty and, with a smile, said 'Hi! Do you come here often?”
H is for Hat – I didn't go to The, I have a new secret club now.
I is for Itye flatmate – she missed out on a good one, by going home to do love stuff with her boyfriend.
J is or Jaegermeisted Myself – But only twice. OK maybe three times.
K is for Keen- Big T reckons about four okes. Fantastico.
L is for Loser's Complex – For once, after a large night, I didn't get it.
M is for Mates and Men – New Secret Club has millions of beautiful, chiselled strangers therein, but then there're also my mates – E2 and Klo had a great time yesterday, I love them to pieces. We drank too many cocktails. And, there are other men around.
N is for Not Shit – that was my night.
O is for Old Flame – I hadn't seen him in ages. And this one I was happy to see. We had a fantastic catch up.
P is for Peas On Toast – that's me.
Q is for Quiet One – I got home at the decent hour of 2:00am. Way before the party ended.
R is for Rotund – there were no fat people in this club.
S is for Sex and Sunny Delight – My mojo, after some abrupt hibernation, seems to be flickering to life again. Sunny Delight is a brand of Australian OJ.
T is for T, Big – my [future] wingman. Even if people immediately think we're together just because he's a guy and I'm a girl.
U is for Uvula – Mine is sore from singing in the rain. It's the dangly thing at the back of your throat.
V is for Ventriloquist– I don't know one personally.
W is for Water – one drink, one water, one drink, one water. The sensible option.
X is for Xylophone – I don't play it.
Y is for Yak – I scream like one when I boof, or so my roommate says. Like, whatever.
Z is for Zest For Life – I want mine to come back. Friday night was a good start. I think I'll be apples in a few weeks.