Thursday, April 05, 2007

modern sculpture

Originally uploaded by peas on toast.
Peas: Hi is that the Everard Read gallery?
Art gallery lady: yes
Peas: Excellent. I sent an image of my latest artwork, did you get it?
Lady: Well I received one of soap dispensers...
Peas: That's the one! What did you think?
Lady: Well, it's um, not exac...
Peas: Do you think you can select my latest piece if shite art?
Lady: Are you an artist?
Peas: Yes, I became an artist yesterday.
Lady: I see.
Peas: I was thinking that you guys could display it in your reception area.
Lady: Just describe it again, please, because we might not be talking about the same image here.
Peas: Well, it’s a tower of strategically placed soap dispensers. It’s called ‘Le toilette de la Jolly Roger.”
Lady: Right. Why would you think that is art?
Peas: Well excuse me, it just happens to be modern art, that exudes the waste and dilapidation of today’s youth. It's misunderstood, which metaphorically describes my life right now. It’s contemporary without being completely crude, yet is cutting edge and reeks of confident hedonism.
Lady: No, you see we are contemporary. We're not modern. But let me take your details.
Peas: I’d prefer to stay anonymous if that’s alright.
Lady: How come?
Peas: I nicked the dispensers from the Jolly Roger and I don’t want to be caught.
Lady: Ah.


Lady: Look, we receive requests for this type of thing every now and then, and even some of the most professional artists don’t appeal to our tastes. Can I make a recommendation?
Peas: But I want to go in this gallery....I've already told all my friends to come see it this Saturday.


Peas: How much do you think I could get for this?
Lady: Ito be perfectly frank, around five bob.
Peas: Well that’s a little insulting.
Lady: Yes, but we showcase esteemed South African contemporary artists in our gallery, and I’m afraid its not to our tastes.
Peas: But if I sell it at Art in Park at Zoo Lake, my friends will laugh at me.
Lady: I'm sorry, but you're going to have to think of other options other than Everard Read.
Peas: And if I added a toilet roll holder on the top? Or maybe, like, a tap or someth..
[phone goes dead]

PS: Delighted, though! the muso's girlfriend, who happens to be a clothing designer new to the scene, gave me a gorgeous dress and fahb-u-lous satin top to wear. It's Christmas! Look out for her label, Silas in Sowearto, amongst other stores in Joburg. Funky, fabulous and beautiful.

PA: Was gonna call this art 'Spencer.' With a 'please don't diss Spencer' sign attached....yeah. OK. Enough.


Revolving Credit said...

Theft = Crime = Art

(only in South Africa)

Dr Marcus said...

Er...would this be a break-up, hook-up, fuck-up or cover-up?

Peas on Toast said...

Crime d'art?

Betenoir said...

You see, the problem here was your approach: she knew you weren't an artist because you weren't quite...well... supercilious enough. you have to strike the right balance of "I am an artist and you answer phones at a gallery, so stop arguing" with "I am the spirit of the Muse, incarnate". And possibly used some sort of phoney accent, to prove your dedication.

Keep at it Peas. you can do it, if you try.Marcel Duchamp would be proud.

Peas on Toast said...

Dr M - a cover-up bro, coupled with a fuck-up :)

Betenoir - I know. I should've thrown in a word like 'Tate Modern', 'Moma' or 'Keith Haring' into the convo :(

kabintsimbi said...

Phone The Tate Modern! They have some odd stuff there too, maybe they'd be willing! Not that your art is's modern.

Good luck! Do keep us informed.


redsaid said...

Hello Wife!

Ah, sweet Peas, you don't need a gallery to show the world that you're an exhibitionist!

But for what it's worth? LOVE your Crime d'art. And I'm wearing black, therefore I'm an authority on the matter and should be taken seriously.

Loads of pretentious air kisses!

Le Rouge A indiqué

Third World Ant said...

oh no! Does that mean we lose our fabulous little red table in the name of art? I'd rather we keep the exhibit to our visits, then :)

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - do you think I can post it to them in a box? Or Fedex it? Can't trust the postal services these days :)

Redsaid - why hello there wifey! Totally pretentious air-kissing you back :)

Ant - We can get another one from Mr Price Home for twenty bucks.

Urk said...

stolen from the locker room?

Peas on Toast said...

...the water closets.
But I plead the fifth.

Revolving Credit said...

Calling it Spencer..Hmm

Well tell the Art Gallery Lady not do 'dis' Spencer until she's given him a squirt.

ChewTheCud said...

Obviously I went to the Jolly in its Post-Peas state. Now you know anyone going into the bogs there hasn't washed properly at all! All thanx to Pois ;P

Jam said...

It's a social commentary on the state of cleanliness of the Jolly.
Have a fab weekend.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I can't believe - can't believe - she hung up on me! Bitch. :)

Chews - thing is, every time we go back there - there are new ones up, baiting us.
The Jolly is trying the baiting game with me. ("Betcha won't steal these ones!") And then we do. Although this year, we've been good girls :)

Jam - have a simply fabulous time in Spain, sinorita! Fajitas and tortillas and quesidillas and buritos baby!

John Doe said...

This generates a whole lot of questions:

1. How did you sneak the dispensers out of the club?
2. Did you do it one at a time or all at once?
3. Did you enter the bathrooms with the intent of stealing the dispensers?
4. If not, were they empty before you wanted to wash your hands after whatever it was you were doing?

All very intriguing...

Urk said...

think you are mistaking mexico for spain. they are quite close to each other, so its a common mistake

Anonymous said...

Urk, you're terrible... hee hee

Peas on Toast said...

John Doe
1) In our handbags
2)Separate occasions. I have four in total.
3) Yes.
4) We had to empty them. Schoolboy errors were encountered on the disposing of said waste product, like overflowing bubbling toilet cisterns and soapy handbags.

Urk - or not.

Anonymous said...

did you know Dr Marcus thinks your blog is yawn worthy? and has dedicated a whole post to this....

Smells like yawn worthiness of his own if he has to post about someone elses yawn worthiness to me!

love your post peas!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yip, I saw. It appears he has shitloads to write about himself.

Dr Marcus -
My blog is my blog, so at the end of the day - I can write about whatever the fuck I fancy. If you don't like it, don't read it. It's fairly simple.

Can't make everyone happy all the time.

DaveRich said...

Hmm very good. Is there anything that you can do with 45 Glass shot glasses, 3 Stella glasses, a door knob and a juke box sign also stolen from said establishment, we could do a collabartion or something

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - superb! A man with tools!
We could make something epic china.
And once done - then we'll see who has the last laugh: Everard Read, Dr Marcus or us :)

DaveRich said...

We could sell it for....a MILLION DOLLARS, Mwahahaha!

Dr Marcus said...

Fuck, absolutely you can. That's the beauty of blogs. Same rules apply to me though. All's fair. If I don't like something, you'll know about it.

P.S. I never write about myself. Ever.

Peas on Toast said...

Sure. It's completely safe never to wrte about yourself. Rather just slate other people's blogs, or write a [really boring] account of 'who to win a blog award.'

I tell you what, when you start winning awards - any award - then tell people how it's done.

But saying my blog is crap in a really crappy way just makes you stupid, doctor.

Dr Marcus said...

You sure visit my blog a lot for someone who finds it boring. Oh, right sorry - when we look at our hits tracker, we see that you visit it because you GOOGLE YOUR OWN BLOG. That's why I take pot shots at you, pumpkin; the absolute worst thing in the world is someone who takes themself too seriously. Actually boasting about winning a South African blog award is also pretty pathetic. Are you making any money off your blog? No? So what fucking use is it, then?

Peas on Toast said...

You're right, there's no fucking use to it at all. And therefore you don't need to visit it anymore.

Dr Marcus said...

Try and stop me. I get my best material from here.

Have a lovely weekend.

Third World Ant said...

dear dr marcus... such inexplicable vitriole is a little unpalatable at this time of the morning.

why should peas have to make money off her blog to justify herself? not that she needs me to defend her, but i have to point out some obvious things here: 1) someone just gave her free clothes for endorsement - we all know many famous sports people and other shlebs who earn money that way. 2) when peas recently started looking for a new job, she got involved in a recruitment bidding war between different parties who were very, very determined to have the gifted (and most witty, if the blog awards are anything to go by) blogger as their employee - bragging rights for them. this has earned her a new, thoroughly decent pay check (even by an accountant's standards) - more payment for you! 3) peas may or may not have other things in the pipeline that would earn her (a shitload) of payment. but she would hardly give the privilege of announcing such developments in this ridiculous argument.

for the record, i don't think the measure of a blog is the money it earns, but if you do want to measure it in that way, peas has earned a lot more from hers than you have off yours. or is the accountant having problem counting his beans???

happy easter.

Third World Ant said...

ps: has peas pissed you off by turning you down for a date or something? why are you so angry? take a moment to smile for a change :)

HooX said...

Come on PEAS!
Where are you? I'm sitting in my office bored out of my skull. I need something interesting and hysterical to read. Im not sure you should be allowed to take a long weekend away from your blog. What am I supposed to do? Can you not take a PDA and run eBlog or would it be iBlog? Speaking of tech, I needed your opinion. Is the term "Tinterweb" too geeky?

Thanks. Happy Easter. x

Dr Marcus said...

See Ant, now if she had said that instead of "I won a blog award and you haven't", my response would be slightly less vitriolic.

On the date thing - no, the lady in question is quite far from my type.

Is there such a crime in trying to shake things up?

Dr Marcus said...

Sorry, that was a rather rushed response. Had stuff to do today. Let's try this again.

I'm not really interested in how much Peas makes off her blog - I was asking because she (twice) mentioned winning awards. I wanted to know what they were worth. I'll tell you Ant, I don't find this stuff particularly witty at all. In fact, YOU'RE a better writer. How does that work?

Also, I don't want or need to make money off my blog. I make plenty (well, I could use more, but enough) from my actual career. Which is part of my life. Not on the net. Life. You know? Urk and I started the blog to write funny shit and make each other laugh when I came overseas. If people like it, great. If not, not really a problem.

The whole "argument" started because I criticised her bland entries on my blog, and she HAD to say something about it. She comes to my blog once in a while, because I mentioned her on it by name and she Googles herself.

And on the whole "getting clothes as sponsorship" thing - Peas, you can have my beloved boxer shorts with the Tazmanian Devil on them, that say "Wild Thing" in red, if you stop writing shit. How's that for a sponsorship?

Let me end off by saying - I'm not angry Ant, nor do I hate Peas. I don't know Peas. It's just that if there's three things I hate in this world, it's people who take themselves too seriously, and people who can't count.


Maxine said...

Dr. WHO THE F*** do you think you are?? If you dont find Peas or her stories in the slightest bit funny and rather "bland" then seriously stop putting yourself through it. Her humor is South African and she is a very normal woman going through very normal everyday girls/women stuff and the fact that she can see the funny side, and make other girls/women laugh constantly is a serious feather in her cap...stop justifying yourself and piss off!!!

Peas i love your writing and find it a wonderful distraction from everyday life in no attention to this loon.