Wednesday, April 04, 2007

everyone's related

It’s hard for me at the moment.
Besides just trying to forge ahead and get on with my life, there’s an extremely difficult obstacle I’m trying to overcome.

I love doing the Joburg braais, the let’s go-out-to-our-usual-haunts, the digs parties. You know, social life in my town.
Right.
And it’s something I have to do. Blending into obscurity is not my bag.
Having three ex’s in this town, whose friends are also my friends makes this hard.
And this place very small.

It’s fine to see one or two of them, share a little small talk, put a smile on my noggin and be all jolly hockey sticks every once in a while.
But have three ex’s around, and have mutual friends, and just about every time I attend a braai or whatever, guaranteed at least one of them will be there. Possibly with their girlfriends.
And so deliriously happy it seems.
It’s fine every couple of months, but try every weekend.
And because people publically know about my string of failures, I walk in and immediately feel judged. Or ‘shame, poor chick. I dumped her, and check it out, another relationship failure.”
Or, “ha ha ha, stupid bitch, check it out, what a loser.”
Sometimes I panic, and in a proper pickle, leave the party early.
God knows what else they say about me. Or maybe they pity me, which is even worse.

It’s hard. But I suppose I wouldn’t go to these things if my closest mates weren’t there too. And I know they love me regardless of my fuck ups, which is why I go back.

Last night was fantastic. I went to a 'safe' braai and caught up with K2, whom I haven't seen in ages. It's a relief for me to walk into a place and see completely unfamiliar faces.

“There must be something wrong with her.” This is what I’m thinking goes through most of the people of Johannesburg’s heads that I see on a regular basis.

It's all getting a bit much. I don’t want to go anywhere, for fear of being judged and not being able to relax, because I actually just want people to see me as Peas, someone they like regardless of her ex(s). But Peas comes with stories, see.

God, what I’d do to cash in my Satrix retirement fund, and fuck off to a town a thousand miles away where nobody knows me, can’t analyse my baggage, can’t judge me, and have no idea where I come from. Even for like, one weekend.

Conversation:

“He’s taking me to The Singing Fig, isn’t that amazing? But it’s so nice to meet you properly, is the food there nice?”
Peas: Oh devine! Lovely place, great food, you two have fun!


Conversation I wish I had:
“He’s taking me to The Singing Fig, isn’t that amazing? But it’s so nice to meet you properly, is the food there nice?”
Peas: Food is fantastic. When he took me there, we had the oysters. Highly recommend it, if you knowwhadImean… [nudge nudge wink wink]

49 comments:

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, I def. know what you are talking about. Walk into some place & everybody knows your name...as well as everything you've done for the past decade of your life. And I don't even blog half my exploits.

"Oh the last time I saw you, you were doing such-and-such" or "Ha ha, I heard that at that party I missed, you were the life of the action" or "Sorry I didn't invite you along, but 'such a guy' was there & I thought it would be awkward for you".

Huh? WTF? Who are you anyway??

I have no decent concrete advice. And even if you go to the next town, you'll still have the memories & maybe your self-created perceptions wih you...sometimes I think I project too much of my own thoughts into other people's words/ looks.

But just know that someone else understands what you're getting at. And I'll reprimand anyone should they pass silly comments about you the next time I see you at a local braai.

Dr Marcus said...

Hey, stop stealing my shit! I cornered the market on the "how the conversation went in my head". Get your own awkward comedic device.

Peas on Toast said...

Hiya Champs

Thanks babe, I kinda knew you'd understand, flitting around Joburg like me, I knew you'd get it.

It's hard, as you say: do I never go out ever again? No, I'd die. Do I force myself into these situations and plant on a brave face after brave face? I can do this, but not every weekend.

Conclusion: I need to move to Zurich.

Peas on Toast said...

Dr Marcus - sorry for stealing your thunder doll :)

Anonymous said...

Um, dude - if you want to post your entire life on the interweb, you can't feel too upset if people know your business, right? Kind of comes with the territory.

Dr Marcus said...

Not my thunder, my shtick. It's gimmick infringement of the first order. Now I have to write six paragraphs about a show being cancelled only to find out twenty comments later that it wasn't cancelled, thus invalidating the post.

I must do unto you as you do unto me.

Louisa said...

what's wrong with having the last type of conversation?

Brandon said...

Going through the same kind of torment at the moment. I call the phenomenon: Interfuckedness.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - that's not the issue. It's just having them around the whole time. As you can read.

Louisa - the last conversation would've been good :)

Dr - sorry, I didnt know.

Peas on Toast said...

brandon - interfuckedness. Its a shitty thing. :(

Revolving Credit said...

If you join Ant for braais in the Poenda you'll probably be safe.

On a lighter note, I was flipping channels this morning on TV and guess what, Home & Away on Channel 10 @ 8:30am.

Now you can choose or watch it twice a day.

Syllable said...

I could invite you to a braai - we'd be the only ones there so we'll probably end up at Primi or somewhere and drink too many cocktails.
I have no social life. Last Friday was a bit of a challenge. It may be because I'm in Pretoria.
Or not.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yes, the Poenda is first on my list for quick getaways :)

8:30?? Niiiice! Much better timeslot, thanks Rev!

Syllable - thanks babe :) May take you up on the offer if I find myself in the jacaranda city :)

Hot Pink Flush said...

Hey peas.
About that (percieved) judgement. your mom has probably said it to you a hundred million times, but for good measure, I nominate myself annoying jewish mom for the day.
9 out of 10 times its in your head.
Here's what they're really thinking.
"grumble grumble. Oh, so thats Peas. Damn she's thin. And pretty. And I hear she has this fabulously succesful website. It's so not fair. But they broke up. So there must be somethign wrong with her. Even if everyone says she's fabulous. I can't see it. It's not fair. Maybe he has commitment issues? Why's everyone talking to her? Why is he smiling like that at his ex? What am i? chopped liver?"
Etc..
That's if it's an issue at all...so don't take it on, honey.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Hot Pink. For the second time this week you've made me feel better about my sordid little situation(s).

It's hard to get perspective at the moment - when everything out there sets me off on this destructive mind pattern.

I think I'm just completely overwhelmed with everything.

The Big T said...

... stop mopeing!

udderwise i 'frow wifff da jean pant...

Fark!

Peas on Toast said...

Big T

I'll stop moping when the yellow walls of madness stop closing in on you and we hit the town like crazy motherfuckers this weekend.

PS: Can we go somewhere, where, like, nobody knows me?

Big T said...

i've been speaking to my dealer after the disaster of the sweetner laiden blow, and i've scored some awesome columbian marching powder.

ref earlier communique for details on the spot for rendezvous with the Bigg T, and his merry band of Columbian marching band members.

ps. thanks for introducing me to the triplets, they really do have some skills ;->

redsaid said...

Hot Pink is right, you know. (Especially about the: "Damn, she's thin and gorgeous and funny and charming and clever and nice and has a successful website and it's not fair and look how he is still looking at her" part.)

Trust me, it's better than meeting the new girlfriends and seeing that they're everything you're not (thin, pretty, clever, funny, etc. You, basically.)

At least you can say you're past is XXX rated!

P.S. I've belatedly (sorry!) replied to your marriage proposal on my site.

Peas on Toast said...

You're a riot :)

Peas on Toast said...

Redsaid - also, you my dear have managed to make me feel heaps better this week.

So what did you say, what did you say?? Are we sialing off into the sunset together, you and I? ;)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie
#1 Six Degrees of Separation.
#2 Little village Venus effect.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy

#3 - I'm living in a place smaller than Hekpoort.

:(

Daedalus said...

Little village Venus effect:

If you lived your whole life in a village, the village Venus must be the most beautiful woman, since you have never seen anyone better.

- Edward De Bono

redsaid said...

Suddenly I'm reconsidering. I mean, you have DSTV! Ha ha.

At least I can keep you warm at night, what with my lard and my hot flashes and all! Can we have a dog? (Or, like the Proclaimers proclaim in their "Let's get Married" song: We can have a cat as long as it barks.)

Stuff Jozi. I think you should move to the Western Cape. It's pretty! We have mountains and lots of wine.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - one of my mates suggested I start causing male chaos in places like Carletonville. I don't think so, somehow. :) Nice and very valid quote.

Redsaid - well I can offer you this: a rat called Chad (he's sweet, promise), dsTV, clean sheets, great music, a karaoke machine, constant flow of wine, a free flatmate who cooks Italian all the time, and you can borrow my iPod whenever you like. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Interesting lebola :p

Anonymous said...

Population:
Zurich - 366,809
Johannesburg - 3,225,812

That the Swiss are that accurate in counting people doesn't surprise me, but I'm sceptical about the 3,225,81*2* figure. Anyway, point is, if you're trying to go incognito, Zurich isn't the place to move to. You're actually ten times (roughyl) more likely to bump into someone you know in Zurich. And you do - trust me, I've lived there. If you're going to move to Zurich, do so for the right reasons ... like Blattspitz park where the needles are free ... or watching people pick up their doggies runny dooh with plastic bags.

If you have 3 ex's that you keep running into, what you need is a town with 3 times the number of people Joeys has. I just happen to live in one of those. Paris with a population of 9,644,507 is the perfect place to disappear in ... 'cept everyone here's French.

Revolving Credit said...

For incognito go somewhere in the Far East, maybe China (hey they're got that wall thing and you can uphold a family tradition)

You know that orientals think that all round-eyes look the same, right!

Maxine said...

DO not let Rev.Cr and Annon convince you of anything of the sort...if anything you should pack your bags and come and live in London in the
"we LQve PeAs nomatterwot" fraternity.

I honestly believe my housemate, the Dirty Pirate, who is due to move out will stay if you came!! shes that a big fan.

Pritty Please Pea's

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - you may have a point, and Paris really appeals to me. Alwaya wanted to live there. And luckily for me, I love the French :)

Maxine - can you squeeze one more roomie in?? I'm coming over! (Well as soon as I tie up a few loose ends) x

Peas on Toast said...

Rev- standing out from the crowd in Asia...sounds surprisingly nice!

Revolving Credit said...

They will 'love you long time'!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev = wahahahahahahahaha!
For a small fee, I just bet they will :)

Revolving Credit said...

Only 5 dollar!

Anonymous said...

London = the Northern Northern suburbs, the only place that has more South African bars than Jowbeg, where the fish and chips guy says, "Lekker bly," when you get take out, where there's still enough nostalgia for Just Jinger to pack a stadium!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh goddd, this reminds me again why I'm not in London :)

Maxine said...

Pea's darrrrling dont listen to Annon... (Annon you can come stay too) there will be none of that lekka by die see shite...just endless fun and culture and blending in where no one gives a flying fokol who you are....and Peazie

...do i reallllly need to spell it out!!!?

H O M E & A W A Y ??

boldly benny said...

Shame Peas, sounds like a mare. If it's any consolation, I have people either asking where my ex is and I can almost feel the person behind me mouthing "don't go there!" and then awkward silences and changes of subjects ensue. Or my personal fav, a squeeze on the arm and a "I heard" with a side-cocked head and pitiful look. Well noone died, the fucker just didn't realise how great I am!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - Oh boy oh boy oh boy - can I relate! "So where's your dude?"
(Usually said within a large circle, over a dinner table,or another public arena)

"Um, well, he's not here. In fact, he could be anywhere really, um, yeah....for, like, ever."

Perhaps we should hang a sign around our necks.

ChewTheCud said...

The funny thing about Joburg is there's groups of people that you'll never run into at all. You think you know everyone and everyone knows you but that the tip of the iceberg still. Also depends on whether everyone new you meet is from a digs party. Some people don't do that ;P

boldly benny said...

I totally agree and can identify and when I finally stammer out that the two of us broke up - people generally look at me and ask "What happened?" or "Why?".
I just want to reply "Um, do we really have do this now, talk about why I feel like a giant loser/failure coz he didn't want to be with me!"
Bleugh, glad I'm going home for a visit this weekend!

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah, that Hot Pink Flush! She's a wise one. I have to agree with her words to you. Doesn't mean it should make you strut about arrogantly, but you have awhile for that.

I reckon there are still a few corners of this megatropolis you have yet to conquer... Carfax/ Loaded is one BIG place, and many of the patrons are so high on drugs that they won't recall you from the last time!

And more importantly - with the foreign circles - they at least keep leaving town about every 3 months!

And you need to get out - you have a crate to make use of now!

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - No really, I really think I have met most people here. But I'm always up for surprises ;)

Benny - we're living the same life babe. I'm convinced.

Champs - I haven't been to Loaded/Carfax in ages, and perhaps will do a sneaky there this weekend. But getting out? Been doing way too much of that at the moment. I'm thinking NIGHT IN with a crate, if you get my drift :)

Lou said...

PEAS!!!! Big news. Please stop me if someone has told you this already (i've had a bit of a manic day) but I went home early yesterday and was flicking through the channels. what do you think was on go at 4.30? I kid you not. Home and Away! Now I know that it's not an ideal time but maybe now that you are your own boss you can have more flexible work hours?

Just a thought.

Peas on Toast said...

Lou - he he thanks doll :) Hot Pink told me yesterday too. 4:30 is fine when I'm working at home - like today - so am SUPER chuffed!!

I'll be tuning in...in approx...18 minutes! Woooohooooo! :)

Anonymous said...

you could make a new rule not to go out with guys connected to your circle of friends. that would however necessitate broadening your horisons of acceptibility beyond saxonwold and westcliff...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yes I could. And I could've. Suggesting that I only choose my boyfriends because they live in those areas is a little ridiculous, however.

nettie said...

long time no see...my you're popular!