Wednesday, April 25, 2007

road rage and the pectoral guy

I've never accosted a stranger, blind with previously-inert rage before. That is until some fuckidiot on a motorbike decided to take me on.
I hadn't had my morning cuppa Joe yet.

The middle-aged balding nutcase cut me and another car off on his Kawasaki. It was in an area of town I am unfamiliar with, so I'm the first to admit I had no idea that people on the West Ront drive unlike those on say, Oxford Road.

So motorbike fuckwit cuts me off, so there's a whole lot of hooting going on behind me.

Pulls up to me at an intersection:
“Wind down your window bitch”
Peas: OK, fuckwanker. What's your problem?
Fuckwanker: You hooted at me.
Peas: I did no such thing, the car behind me hooted at you, you deaf idiot.
[Now I'm already angry. But itchy angry, like the only thing that'll make me less angry is if I rearrange his face through the medium of a clenched fist. Sweating like a necrophiliac in a morgue]
Fuckwanker: You made the other car hoot at me!
Peas: WHAT THE FUCK? I made the other car hoot at you? Like, I am transpiring through mental fucking telepathy with that driver saying he should hoot at you? Are you retarded, or did you have too much crystal meth last night?
Fuckwanker: You made me cut you off.
Peas: I made you cut me off? Listen here. And listen carefully.
[Leaning in close] I am an angry woman at the moment. In fact, I probably shouldn't be driving around in public. I will punch you. There will be a problem here if you take me on. Because I will FUCK YOU UP, YOU HEAR ME?? I don't care who the hell you are, whether you live in Florida Hills and married your second cousin – I will smash your face, using adrenaline alone.
Fuckwanker: OK. Calm down. Sorry. Goodbye, have a nice day.

I went overboard. Completely overboard. Possessed by rage and irrationality of an unprecedented scale, I drove away leaving him to eat my dust. Luckily for him, not my knuckle sandwich.

On telling my father about the incident, he came back with:
“Peas, I keep a rifle in my car these days. In fact, I carry it around with me everywhere. Just yesterday, a taxi was pumping loud music a little too close to my balcony, so I popped a bullet into it's roof.”

He wasn't even driving. My father owns a gun, shot at a taxi from close range, just to shut it the fuck up.

Not for the first time, I'm worried. He owns a gun. And is shooting the roofs of stationary vehicles. Off his balcony.

In other news, the horniness persists like a rash borne unto me in the desert. He Who Has The Same Name As My Domestic Rodent, also now known as Foxy Forearms – and I, have been in like, a little bit of contact, like a lot.

The great thing is that I've told him straight what I'm about, and he's done the same. Me to him: Trust issues. Eccentric. People say to me “You're crazy” a lot. Sing karaoke in my lounge alone, impulsive and weird. If you're looking for a quiet little princess who does everything you say, you've got the wrong girl.
And yet, he seems unperturbed by this unbecoming information. Thus far.
He said he "can't put his finger on me," which is odd, since I'm a very open book. Perhaps the most open book on the fudging planet.

He's joining me at a party this long weekend. Poor guy – it's me and my crazy mates. I get to see those pectorals again, and maybe I'll just rip his shirt off, after a couple of tequilas.

I've also joined a Joburg French Society – much like the Ant's Italian Society. It's super fran├žais – the okes email me in only French, and expect I write back in their le langue. English eez not permeeted at all. Fantastique.

23 comments:

Betenoir said...

Peas, I think I have a little crush on your father: he's totally rock 'n roll. He's not... Keith Richards is he?

Peas on Toast said...

Betenoir - you and half the country it seems. The man has a new girlfriend every week, if not dating a couple at once. "I have difficulty choosing" he tells me. Lucky bastard :)

kyknoord said...

Maybe Mr FF accidentally slammed his finger in the car door?

kyknoord said...

Maybe Mr FF accidentally slammed his finger in the car door?

kyknoord said...

Wow. How did I do that? Is there and echo in here?

Jam said...

Shot at a taxi? My ongoing concern is that they will shoot back.
Now, how about a drink some time this weekend??

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - it's like we're ...in a cave or something. Exciting! :)

Jam - that's what I told him. Bt does he ever listen? Nay.
Yes, a drink this weekend would go down a treat! :)

damario said...

I thought you were joking when you said you cause your own chaos.

Peas on Toast said...

Da Mario - it's an addiction.

Un Parisien said...

Mlle Pois Mous sur Pain Grille,

Excellente idee pour apprendre le francais! Tu penses pas que ce sera encore mieux d'ecrire quelques blogs dans la langue des grenouilles aussi?

Peas on Toast said...

Parisien - peut etre, je mangerais les grenouilles a la societe, weh? ;)

Et j'essaye d'ecrire quelques blogs dans la langue aussi.

Mon francais est nul, merde, pardon pour le, um, spelling :)

Hot Pink Flush said...

Jeez, peas...the scary thing is for a moment i thought the belligerent biker might've been mu bf, sicne he has been known to visit the west ront and be rude to drivers...checked with him and thank god it twas not so...
as for your dad, hells bells...i'm getting visions of an old aged peas...avec martini and pellt gun (with a cool hat on and great shoes)

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - I seriously doubt this guy was your dude, babe. He was about 40-odd, and not smokin' hot :)

As for pops, old age will be interesting for me.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post Peas, had me giggling with tears in my eyes and strange looks form the other office dwellers.

Lau

Justin McCall said...

Ah, the joy of being a woman! Imagine I had said that to FF ... bwahahahaah ... *THUMP* would be the last thing I remember.

Haha, the guy probably got a bit turned on from all the insults ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Lau :)

Justin - I think he was dumbfounded at how a girl could spew such pottytalk from her mouth so quickly :)

John Doe said...

I find it quite disturbing that people like your father exist quite frankly. Nothing like good ol' vigilante justice to screw up a couple of lives.

Peaches said...

Hillarious!

Peas on Toast said...

John - you find it disturbing? Just keep the noise level down when you pass his house, and you'll be apples.

Peaches - I have an anger management problem at the moment :(

Antoine said...

Goodness I can do with you in Mali at the moment.

My Pidgen French is definately not getting me anywhere.

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - A holiday in Mali would be a peach! No honestly - get me out of Joburg!

Anonymous said...

Ummm, sorry, did you say ´fuckwanker´? Now, once again, that really is poetry....Dove x

John Doe said...

'John - you find it disturbing? Just keep the noise level down when you pass his house, and you'll be apples. '

...and hope I don't think like your Dad.