Monday, May 07, 2007

i love the smell of bovine manure in the mornings

Weekend at C's farm was a peach.

The great thing about leaving the Big Smoke to park off on a cattle farm for a weekend is this:
1)You smell bovine manure the whole time.

Why is this so significant?
It ultimately means you're not in the city anymore. And the wonderful, natural, if not steamy stench of cow by-product is a constant reminder of this.
Hits the lungs like a sharp spank on the ass.

Also, being C's farm – we didn't milk cows, hoe fields and fanny about with combine harvesters.
We went clay pigeon shooting, and luckily, squeezing triggers has become a favourite pastime of mine.

We had a double bender until 3:00am both Friday and Saturday. We drank the Free State dry. Every type of alcohol known to mankind was involved – gin shots, rum and vodka, tequila, Jaegermeister, the list goes on. We drank until we were flying across the room and landing on bar stools, making a train up the stairs, crawling on the floor, undressing and diving naked into the pool.
People were drinking wine and tequila together, gin and cane straight shots, cane and Fanta Grape.

Juvenile behaviour is always nubile. I'll give it that much.

The boys who came with us were all very beautiful. One pranced around in a black Speedo like a German tourist – yummy.
Fruit Guy showed me how to pull the trigger good and proper, while aiming at clays in the recently ploughed meilie fields. That was nice, even after recoil bruise in the shoulder.
We had Air Supply Hour, after popping on over to a certain Gerrie's Bar – a place that plays the De La Rey ryperd conglomerate and throws out Springboks like a fast food joint, wedged neatly in between the Viljoenskroon silos and an abattoir.

I did a lot of sitting on the stoep, drinking Mozambican rum, listening to birds.
Like a true chav.
Occasionally the howl of a pregnant bovine would break the silence, or a tractor would trundle by.
It really is the most beautiful farm.

(Chav, I learnt, stands for Council House And Violent, which is a bit bovvering)


High in Dubai said...

Hi Peas,

Sounds like a most fantastic weekend out of the big city... The tales of weekends away at C's farm always sound supa-fantastic...

I was in London 2 weeks ago and was on the lookout for the elusive Chav... Saw one or too - but my quest continues, although a few of them make their way to Dubai every once in a blingged out Channel bag!

Billy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Billy said...

Gin shots? Fack! Thats gotta hurt the next day. Was at a bachelors a few weeks back where we were doing cane and siver tequila shots from a teapot. That didnt end well.

kyknoord said...

If you really enjoy the smell of bullshit, you just need to attend one of my endless meetings.

Peas on Toast said...

High in Dubai - it was superb! Yes, chav-spotting is a new sport, or so I hear. :)

Billy - teapot shots always end badly :)

Kyk - I'm not sure if I actually enjoy smelling bullshit, can I get back to you?

maurice said...

Hi Guys!!!

Hope you all had a great weekend??

And I hope you missed me??

Thank you


Peas on Toast said...

Maurice - more than you'd ever know. Your dildo's in the post.

ChewTheCud said...

Small towns in the Freestate... the horror! ;P

It sounds like a cool weekend. You can at least claim to have truly gotten away from it all. And killed some poor defenseless pidgeons, clay though they may be ;)

(I'm a hypocrite - We aimed for pigeons on the driving range this weekend. And the guy in the protected cart ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Chews - are the beeyoody of this such farm is that it's two hours away, and yet Joburg couldn't have been further away. :)

Tell me about the guy in the protective cart....

hot pink flush said...

ek schmaak die vrystaat ook.
the plaas-life has somethign to recommend it...

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - the Free State is the new Western Cape, I'm telling you.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah, drinking mozam rum to the soft sound of a tractor & the smell of fresh manure. What Cloud 7 dreams are made of!

Cloud 8 Dreams obviously rather being sipping that rum on a deserted African beach to the smell of cooking prawns & tanning oil.

But hey, if the Free State is what is on offer, I'll take it with pleasure!

Great to hear that you got to get away from it all for a bit!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - yip, it's been ages since I left the greater Johannesburg area (within the highways), nevermind actually get out the province.
It was bliss!

maurice said...

what a great day!!!


Thank you the scared little baby jesus!!

Peas on Toast said...

Maurice. You're not meant to smoke the dildo.

maurice said...

Mrs Peas

please find my contact details at Any other contribuitons very welcome.


Maurice Delafonte

Peas on Toast said...

Maurice, I'd never give Jacob Zuma the pleasure of sending him a dildo.

You, however, are a different story.


Revolving Credit said...

Peas, go check out Ostendo, i think that your cycling prowess is being questioned.

If your hangover allows....LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Revvy - hahaha! How excited am I to go home and remove the saddle from my bike??

maurice said...

I'm waring no panties

Peas on Toast said...

Well Maurice. That is good for a number of reasons:

1) 'Waring' isn't a word.
2) 'Panties' would imply you're a man who usually likes to wear female undergarments, and judging by your name, you're a male.

Can I send you some Y-Fronts in the dildo package as well?

maurice said...

i would prefer gold lame thong or if you cant get that some of those shiny uncomfortale boxers from game or checkers or makro. that would be nice.

Anonymous said...

Maurice: Huh?

What the fuck are you trying to say dude? Cant make sense when its not in english? You wouldnt happen to be Maurice the chap who so thoughtfully emaled me to make some money out of the unfortunate death of the wife of the former dictator of bechuanaland who had 10 trillion US$ in a bank, would you?


Peas on Toast said...

Maurice...because uncomfortable boxers are nice?

Well I suppose they're better than man tangers. Which I have seen before.

Peas on Toast said...

Mike - that's our Maurice! :)

Jam said...

Sounds like what you needed!!! Away from city bullshit and into REAL bullshit. Refreshing.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - the best bullshit is always tangible :)

maurice said...

man tangers. I don't understand.

A question. do you and all your blogg friends know each other face to face or all you all anynonmous people in the web?

it is very fun but dis-tracting.

when is your book out. rubbing my hands together with anctipation.

what is it called? is it only about a girl who is horny and does not get laid because that will be quite boreing, i think.

thank you


Peas on Toast said...

Maurice - you'll find the blogosphere an interesting place.

The few bloggers I do know from my comments I met through blogging, some of the others haven't met before at all.

And never fear, my book does go beyond not getting laid and being horny. It's about relationships and general city living in a lot of ways, with fictitious sub plots. Think Bridget Jones but with a large South African flavour.

Hey, you may even enjoy it :)

Where you from?

maurice said...

I was born in Johannessburg, moved to CT when small, moved to Durban, then moved to CT again. I have spent the last 15 or so years in CT, and have now moved with my partner somwhere else.

I try not to swear in my writings.

Anonymous said...

Uhm.... actually Chav stands for "Chiltenham Average".
Chiltenham being the biggest council housing estate in the UK.

If you've ever spent any time there, you'll have much appreciation for this very descriptive term....

maurice said...

And i am quite famous in a small way

Peas on Toast said...

Maurice - ok. I swear all the time. Love it. And you're famous. That's great Maurice.

Anon - I do apologise. I was told it stood for council houses over the weekend - and believe you me, I am a big appreciator of the term either way.A huge appreciator in fact.

Where is Chiltenham Average?

maurice said...

but in a small way. like if famous is ponte tower i am famous like a garage door. Or something.

Peas on Toast said...

Maurice - why so self-deprecating? I'm sure you're as famous as Ponte Tower...or something.

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