Tuesday, May 08, 2007

the special fellas

I've been lucky in my trivial little existence to have had a couple of amazing guy friends. Some I have lost contact with as the years and boyfriends roll by, but ever since I could remember post-puberty, I've always had a special fella not too far away, even for a brief period.

Each very different characters, the common denominators have been the same:
1)We've never had sex with each other – even if we were both desperate and in the doldrums of the merde.
2)I've shared everything with them, stuff I wouldn't share with my boyfriends
3)We've been each other's wingmen
4)I would chat to them nearly every day
5)And they weren't a Gay Best Friend either. One out of, say, ten, turned out to be gay - and it was a surprise.

The latest guy mate, nearest and dearest to me, is the Big T.
But from the top, there was Duck Man. Back in high school. Duck Man and I stole liquor from our parent's booze cabinet, got drunk together on Amarula Cream (mock charge), then got grounded. Repeatedly. We learnt to drive together, wrote each other letters and probably had our first joint together.

There was the journo guy in first year, the DJ in second year, the chef that lived next door in third year. And of course, Third Roommate who was there for me at a bad time but has a new life now.
These significant chaps aren't to be confused with the usual guy mates. The ones you see anyway, all the time.
These chaps would know immediately if he was one of the Incredible Ten on reading this.

The thing with men, often anyway, is that I don't understand them at all in a sexual context. There was a time when I thought I did, but fuck me in a fortress, I have as much clue about them a la penis, as much as the next woman.
But I know men can be fantastic mates for girls like me. Men as mates are low admin. They listen more than they talk, they're kind, funny and protective. Perfect boyfriend material really, except in most of these situations, there's been one big giant factor missing (I say most, there're one or two exceptions). There has been

...zero chemistry. The X Factor. The pulling factor. Some of these guys I've imagined naked, but I have to say that mostly, not.

Which is where maybe I've gone wrong in the past. Maybe, like my father – we've agreed on this – chemistry is huge for us. When a guy walks into a room, I want my jaw to drop onto the floor. I want to, within, the first 0.2 seconds of contact, imagine doing dirty things with him without our doondies on.
Some people can date people that they'll describe as “...look, it's not butterflies in the stomach, but he/she's a really nice person....you know? No seriously, so nice you know? And, you know, maybe it'll grow.”
I've tried, and I've hurt those people.

The people who have hurt me have been those I had instant, incredible, unmistakable chemistry with. Where I can't remember where I am for a second. So maybe I need to start looking at forging relationships with those I don't feel instant chemsitry with. Maybe they're right, maybe it will grow. It's not out of the question. I've seen it happen before.
And these unions seem to last the longest. (What's that saying about the brightest light burns out quickest? Or whatever?)
It's a drug, chemistry. It's like listening to Nessun Dorma on max volume, with a great guy mate, while drinking Woolies House Red, and eating brie and crackers. Like I did with Big T last weekend.


Kevin Cadman said...

Just be careful of the "I really want something more" variant of male friend... the guys that are too scared to make a move so they become best friends hoping you will go the "He's just so nice, you know?" routine.

Oh... and fuck me in a fortress... haha, awesome!

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas, I'm exactly like you, I can't be with someone if they are "such a nice guy" I've had the most divine guys interested in me but if the chemistry is not there, sorry I just can't do it. Don't try and fake it and be with people coz they such great people - when you love, you love truly and passionately so why do a half measure in an attempt to prevent being hurt.

My ex was a mate before we got together, I was not interested in him at all at the start but then something clicked and the chemistry kicked in and then I knew I wanted to be with him - prior to that, I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole!

Guy mates are the best, I adore mine and they constantly come in and out of my life. I love it when I'm going through a rough patch and I make generalised men statements and they end up looking at me and reminding me not to group them the "you men" category!The danger zone with guy mates is when either party falls for the other - I've ruined friendships this way.

Peas on Toast said...

Kev - I realise. Absolutely. It's happened before. And I've done it too, to be fair :)

Boldly - Yip - what we're looking for is the nice guy with chemistry. They can't be that hard to find surely??
My latest ex it was also friendship before getting together - but there was always a chemistry there.
It's tough ground.

Somali said...

Hey ya Peas!

Chemistry is a definite must! Don't settle for anything less... you might start looking for someone who would be a good father and husband and a "nice guy" but that feeling for "wanting to rip his cloths off" would always be there.

Trust me, I've had the nice guy. But it was unfair towards him cause I was still unconsciously looking for Mr. Chemistry.

Just be patient...

Good luck to you!
PS: Brilliant Post!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Somali.
For sure. I just don't think it's possible for me to be with someone whose clothes I don't want to rip off.

All these factors are hard to find though. I think.

ChewTheCud said...

Yup! Guy mates are really cool. I love hanging out with guy mates. I just hate it when they become attracted to me though. It spoils everything ;P

Hehe - just replace guy with girl ok ;P

Jamq said...

I don't always believe in chemistry at first sight, but if it's not there by third sight then there is no hope. Me and current bf met one night at a club - and there was no instant chemistry to speak of other than a really amazing intellectual connection. On second meeting (he pitched up at a bar I was at), we were holding hands within 10 minutes. On the official date, we could not keep our hands off each other.... the rest is history.

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - bummer dude. It's like when my girlfriends express their undying love for me... :)

Jam - your story is always a favourite of mine, it's just too romantic.
*sigh* :)

kyknoord said...

But these days you don't have to worry about the "maybe it'll grow" factor. Erectile dysfunction can be sorted out very easily (and ten billion spam messages can't be wrong, can they?)

hot pink flush said...

Oh shucks. There's something about this post.
And I don't have a call on chesmitry - you know my story with teh BF - buut i do believe it can grow, I am living proof.

Also, a little tear came to the eye while reading this.
I am having a massive row with my best guy friend (acutally, just one of my best friends, full stop! who is coincidentally an ex).
I hate that we are fighting, but circumstances beyond my control (ie. in HIS control) are making it so.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - oh thank God. Someone is finally talking sense!

Hot Pink - I'm so sorry to hear that my friend. It's not got to do with the fact he is an ex does it?
I hope it gets sorted out pronto though.

You and so many other are living proof of things growing into love eventually. Which is why I should broaden my...chemical boundaries.

maurice said...

people should mate like the francoline bird.

Peas on Toast said...

Yes Maurice. Whatever you say.

Jam said...

and you will find a story just as amazing when ready, Peas. It's never easy though, so don't even go there!

It is the question said...

Oh grief.

As per Kevin.

It is hell being the other person in that friendship if you feel the chemistry and she/he doesn't.

Broken heart, sadness, lost friendship. Not good.


Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I may be ready...like, next century at this point :(

IITQ - Oh I hear you babe. One-sided situations suck. It also happens in relationships though. You think the other person feels the same way, and then they just don't.

The world is a cruel place indeed.

zuzula said...

I've been having exactly the same conversations with my friends. 'Always marry your best mate' says one (who is now, coincidentally, divorcing), 'what you need in the long run is compassion, the lust runs out anyway' says another. Well quite. But if it is going to run out, isn't it worth having at the beginning at least? Chemistry is key, i think. Hard to come by, mind blowing when it does.

Peas on Toast said...

Hear, hear Zu.
It's rare that I've heard the lust suddenly kicks in after a few months.

But if there's a tingling of pseudo-lust in the beginning with a mate, is it worth giving it a shot not knowing whether it will grow? It's hard to tell, eh.

Third World Ant said...

It's a tough question indeed, with no right answer - just look how varied your responseas are. As the person with a very close friend who I know has liked (I almost wrote love, but it's too heart-breaking to think of it that way) me for a very long time, I can sometimes see the attraction of 'caving'. You know they care about you, there's no awkward getting-to-know-you phase (although that's also exciting), and you know you get on like a house on fire. Could I have been with him? Maybe. Will Gilb and I last longer than my friendship with him? I dunno. Or will my friendship with him cost me my relationship, or vice versa?

ugh. too many questions.

Peas on Toast said...

Touche babe.

I think every case has to be handled differently. Although similar, every oke and every girl shacking up for whichever reason has different variables.

Hold on a sec. That sounded like science.

Revolving Credit said...

So in a nutshell, you're planning to test the non-chemistry lets-get-our-groove on theory with Big T???

maurice said...

but the question is what is the big deal about having sex you start and then its over and you go too sleep.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - no babe. This is about Big T being an awesome mate. :)

Da Mario said...

Great post, this (you) make alot of sense. Especially for a girl!! Hehehe... :)

kabintsimbi said...

It's all about the chemistry! Agreed...but that one guy, the one who will knock each & every one of us off of our gorgeous heels will be the one you spend the rest of your life with. You've obviously not met him yet...he'll walk through the door, you'll have many a dirty thought & he'll be that one who is nice, can talk to, can drink wine with at all hours of the night etc etc...he'll come along, sometime! Hou vas! I am...although I'm pretty much sold at the mo...

The Big T said...

Dear Peas,

there's something you need to know,......

i've harboured this from you since we first went to the colon....

it's important that you know this...


think your karaoke singing is abominable.

Heh heh. sorry to break it to you like this.

cool post, i enjoy your company too IN A STRICTLY PLATONIC SENSE.

Be Safe (LOL)

maurice said...

Vito is very sexy in leather

maurice said...

seriously people should try francoline bird loving

Revolving Credit said...

Based on Big T's comment I must assume that you were in fact listening to a recording of Nessun Dorma , not trying to sing it???

The 'IN A STRICTLY PLATONIC SENSE' bold statement does concern me somewhat. Is their something wrong with you? Leperosy? Hunchback?Psychosis, Nik Nak Poen??

Sounds like Big T is somewhat repulsed by the idea of getting Up Close and Personal...or is it possible a case of 'I think the Big T doth protest too much?'

Peas on Toast said...

da mario - thanks mate. I'm glad, as a girl, I have a little grasp of reality :)

Kab - well my ex boyfriends have all been like that... maybe the next one will stick?

Big T - always in a strictly platonic sense. (WHY YOU SHOUTING??)

Rev - I have leprosy. Sometimes when I sing, the reverberations of my bejangling vocal chords make my fingers fall off.

It's a great party trick.

Anonymous said...

According to an unparallelled (sp?) tome of relationship advice called 'Beyond Cinderella, finding the love you want' or some such book (it is basically 8 steps to finding a husband, but seriously is an excellent read nonetheless)it says that in interviews with happily married couples, up to 80% confess to not having felt chemistry initially. use it, don't use it.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - very interesting indeed! Will def keep that in mind.

Perhaps finally see through the haze that chemistry/lust seems to form around me...and evidentally, fuck me up afterwards.

Champagne Heathen said...

Gorgeous post Peas!!
And yes, I definitely know what you are talking about! It's the men who wake you up at 4am by ringing your doorbell. Climb into bed with you. And tell you not to cuddle them, they've just spent the past few hours in jail for some drunken misdemeanour. And all of this done in a plutonic manner. Gotta love them!

(Maurice, my dear little toy boy, you gotta make sense when you put comments up here. You have to make them fairly relevant to the post, in a respectful manner. And if you are going for a left-wing comment, you still have to show how it links to the post of the day).

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I knew you'd understand babe :)

And yes, on Maurice - dude, I understand you're horned up and stuff. You're welcome to partake in the web 2.0 conversation - but it would be easier for us if we knew what the fuck you were going on about my china.

Kisses all round.

Revolving Credit said...

***trumphet sounds here***

Maurice, I hereby officially rename you 'More-Ass' because your comments are so incoherent that you may as well be speaking out your bum.

This has been a Pubic Service Announcement

maurice said...

the francoline bird mates with its other bird for life. No hookups no fuckups etc.

neolithic said...

hey peas
I hav shitloads of guy friends n im onli 21. I always fell bad for guys I dont wana date especially the cute ones so I sometimes become friend with them jus coz they make the guy I m with jelous...am i evil?

Jax said...


Firstly - awesome blog! I heard about it from a friend and in a huge wave of procrastination decided to read it. All.

Secondly - I have had the same experiences with guy friends and agree that they are the most fantastic people to have around. In fact we have Nessun Dorma as our road trip song! Good times!

Loving the blog so far - keep it up!